Articles from George Mason

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Letter to all of you so-callled "real" guitar players

by keith mann June 29, 2007

Alright I've had it, all I read about on youtube when I watch guitar hero videos (yes i watch them because my job is THAT fucking boring and I've run out of things to do) is these people complaining about so-called "nerds" who should "learn how to play REAL guitar". Let me tell you something, you real guitarists have it easy.

First and most importantly, they don't have a TV screen that keeps them to a rigorous note chart that ridicules them when they miss a note. There is nothing more embarrasing then the dreaded squeaky honk noise and seeing the fretboard shake as you miss an easy chord. It's enough to make the toughest rockers fall to their knees and scream with primal rage.

Lets get into the performance aspect of it. When real guitar players perform, people usually like whatever they play, regardless of what it sounds like. Like that fucking band Phish. I watched one of their DVDs and they didn't play an actual song THE WHOLE TIME! They just played whatever came into their heads and the crowd of drugged out scumbags loved it. How hard is that? I could fart into a microphone for an entire concert, but because I'm an "artist" it's cool. Guitar hero players don't enjoy such luxuries. Imagine that you're halfway through the "Sweet child o' mine" solo trying to show off for a bunch of friends and you haven't missed a note. There are so many eyes fixated on your every note and chord, and you know the second you miss one the whole group of people behind you will lose faith in your playing ability. Along with saying the "ohhhhh, almost had it' comments. Now THAT is pressure. These "real" guitarists miss notes all the time and nobody even notices! What is that shit!!

The whole star power thing is rediculous too. I'd like to see a real guitarist rock out when all of his frets disappear. Guitar hero players rock out when there are NO COLORS on the screen just the buttons. Let me stress that the colors DISAPPEAR completely! This means that you are relying on position alone. That's like trying to take a real guitarist's pick and making him play the same song, it's really fucking hard.

Plus our note options are limited. We only have 5 notes to work with while these lazy string strumming shitheads have 6 strings and endless possibilites. Lets give them only five and see how well they do. Their laziness makes me sick. Don't even get me started on the competition aspect. Guitarists NEVER compete for high scores or leaderboard rankings. NEVER! Rediculous I know but somehow they just play without knowing who is better. You can't give EVERYBODY 1st place so how the fuck do they decide who is rocking harder? And how do they know that is the right decision without getting 3-5 stars or knowing their note percentage? Idiots.

I hope that now all of the string pluckers will realize how much better the plastic axe is than the wooden antque shit guitar that they play. Any time you guys want to have a rock-off just let me know...So I can bring my T.V and Xbox.

P.S don't stop playing because then I won't have guitar hero 3 and 4 and i kinda need those.

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