Articles from University of Pittsburgh

408 Total 224 Pictures 24 Videos 9 R-Rated 151 Articles

I Believe I Can Fly

by Tom Sunnergren April 16, 2005

Every so often a product comes along that is so stupid it makes me want to run to the top of my building and scream "Don't see Boogeyman, it doesn't make any sense." I'm not talking about useless stupid like Pet Rocks, mini-disks, or condoms; I'm talking about "the world is a better place without this stuff" stupid. Crack-cocaine- Vietnam-war- celebrities-flying-airplanes- stupid. Currently such a product is exploding in the world of fashion with more momentum than my girlfriend when I pushed her down the stairs after she told me she was pregnant. I'm talking about the button fly.

Like mathematics, the resurgence of the button fly baffles and stupefies me. Since the invention of the zipper in 1893 (thanks Google), it has been the primary fly fastening device, and it's worked fine, until some dumb-ass executives at American Eagle decided to bring back the button fly. Why in the name of having to take 5 minutes to pee would someone bring back something so completely worthless? I haven't seen anything like it since Cher's last CD. As if using a public restroom wasn't uncomfortable enough, we now have to spend extra time unbuttoning, then buttoning back up our goddamn fly every time we wear a pair of khakis, all while some dude next to us probably thinks we're checking out his package, and either wants to kick our ass (bad) or buy us dinner and take us to see Boogeyman (worse, not because I'm homophobic, I just really didn't like Boogeyman. I'm also homophobic though). Thanks American Eagle, you bastards.

What a great approach to business, taking something that works fine and making it worse. I could do that, a girl could probably even do that (I'm also sexist"¦and flat footed).

"Mr. Toyota, I have a great idea for your new car"¦a bike."
"Hey NASA, instead of space-suits, have your astronauts wear Old Navy performance fleece. While they offer no protection whatsoever from the unforgiving conditions of outer space they do come in lots of colors."
"Mr. Gates, rather than make a computer with more memory, why not make one with less memory and charge more for it. Tell people its vintage, like stonewashed jeans. They're idiots."

The front that American Eagle uses to sell these abominations is that they're vintage. Apparently something is vintage when it's complete crap but people still like it, like Good Charlotte or the Olive Garden. For whatever reason, people just love stuff that's vintage. My mom keeps a rug in the living room that belonged to an aunt of hers that makes everyone in the house sneeze and have red eyes and she does this because it's "vintage." Hey mom, why did we put grandpa in a home, he was really vintage. He can't eat solid food; he's almost as vintage as those shirts with the little alligator on them.

Anyway, the deteriorating condition of urination convenience has an ominous feel, like it underscores a larger trend of regression. We've brought back Cher, Star Wars movies, and war in Iraq, and outside of that one scene in Star Wars: The Phantom Character Development where Yoda fights that other guy with a light saber and flips around, all of these things sucked. What could possibly be next, dinosaurs, polio"¦ the button fly?

View Article

Like it? You Like it! (0) Comments (0)

Girlfriends

by Tom Sunnergren April 05, 2005

Having a girlfriend is a pretty big adjustment for anyone. For me it was an even bigger adjustment than Dale Earnhardt made when he had to stop racing because he died in a fiery car crash. Basically what I'm saying is that I'm now in uncharted territory. I feel out of place, like Vin Diesel would in a room of actors, or anywhere else because he's so fucking dumb looking.

There are a lot of little things that having a girlfriend entails that a serial one-night-stand man like myself overlooked when I got into this whole mess. Tampons are one of them. Understanding that girls have a period, and then seeing physical evidence of it in the garbage can when you brush your teeth in the morning are two completely different things. It's like the difference between knowing that the holocaust happened and watching Schindler's List.

Another thing that irks me is that I can't see my pre-girlfriend friends anymore. I just don't have any time. I'm constantly walking her places, or watching Greg Kinear movies with her, or walking her to Blockbuster to rent Greg Kinear movies. Also, this girlfriend situation happened during the same week that a.) my cell phone stopped working (or I dropped it in the toilet, whatever) b.) my computer crashed and c.) I lost my cable on account of not paying the bill. All this, coupled with the aforementioned fact that a night with just my friends has become about as common as a sold out Everclear concert, has caused me a complete loss of communication with the world. The only news I get from the outside is what I read on bathroom walls. Last week in my ethics class we were talking about the Terri Schiavo case, and the only thing I could contribute is that two gay guys on a motorcycle are called Rolaids. That was hilarious though.

As well as money and self-respect, having a girlfriend has also deprived me of blow jobs. Girls seem to think once they've reached the exalted girlfriend status that blow jobs are below them. When this "relationship" began I was under the impression that the amount of blow jobs I got would increase. Now I can only get her to do it if she wants to get busy and I pretend I drank too much to get a boner, or if I drink too much to get a boner. I haven't stopped paying for shit, why can she stop giving blow jobs (on another note, what happened to the word blow job? Are we too cool to say it? Everybody says "head", or "go down on me." I like saying blow job. I also like saying homey don't play dat.)

Having a girlfriend does have its good points, I get laid more often and I"¦well"¦ no, that pisses me off"¦hmmm"¦she does do that one thing"¦ wait, no she doesn't do that anymore"¦at least I got my cable back.

1. Mindy has a new column out, so check that out.

2. HOTLINKS, JERK!

View Article

Like it? You Like it! (0) Comments (0)