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Breakfast Cereal and Hard Drugs

by Brian Zitelli December 24, 2006

As children of the early 90's, we all remember Saturday morning cartoons, full of mischief and comic violence, with commercials interspersed for cereal with enough refined sugar per serving to put a full grown African bull elephant into a diabetic coma. Of course we all wanted it. How could we not? the commercials promised us the glitz and glamor that only animation can provide. And let us not forget the spokesmen/animals that were the faces of these products; after all, it was these personalities that really made us believe that you could actually smell a bowl of froot loops.

Which brings me to the heart of this update. Recently while waxing nostalgic and saluting my shorts I got to wondering: What are these animated people/animals like in real life? Where are they now? So I decided to do a little investigation (read photoshopping). What I found was perhaps more heartbreaking than the Leif Garrett episode of "Behind the Music", but my sense of journalistic integrity demands that I share what I found with you.

I found a few stories particularly fascinating, particularly those involving drug abuse (I am a pharmacy major after all). Below I have detailed several of these stories, pieced together from interviews and first hand accounts gathered over the course of several months.

Tony the Tiger: Steroid Abuse - Hollywood is an unforgiving place. Just ask Tony the Tiger, whose affair with anabolic steroids and feline growth hormone began in 1996. In his tell-all book "Gr-r-r-eat!: The Tony the Tiger Story" he explains that it all began backstage at a photo shoot for that summer's Olympic Games where he met Bulgarian hammer throw phenomenon Isabella Von Bleucher. The two became fast friends, and before long Isabella showed Tony the secret to her success. She would later be stripped of her gold medal after an inquiry into the doping practices of track and field athletes. Tony stood by his friend however, and defended her until her tragic death in 2001 due to a weight lifting accident. Subsequently, Tony disappeared for over a year before being spotted in Japan. Sources close to Tony say that he has been in and out of anger management for almost a year now.

Sonny Cuckoo: Crack Cocaine

- This over the top spokesbird for the Cocoa Puffs cereal brand has been reportedly been using crack cocaine unapologetically since the mid 1980's. Friends and family report little change in his personality, however, noting that he would frequently smash into things and hallucinate at the mention of chocolate even as a child.

Trix Rabbit: ecstasy - After a particularly heated contract negotiation in October of 2006, the Trix Rabbit walked away from his acting career, finally fed up with his inability to obtain a single bowl of cereal or yogurt. His addictive personality led him to the underground rave scene, where he relished in the availability of young, attractive rabbits and mood elevating drugs. His most recent television appearance was an interview with Dr. Phil in November 2006, when he exclaimed "Trix may be for kids, but E is for everyone!" before claiming that he could taste colors.

Lucky: LSD - As a long-time friend of the late Hunter S. Thompson, Lucky is no stranger to mind expanding drugs. Possibly the most interesting fact I was able to uncover while speaking with Lucky was that the novel-turned-movie "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" is actually based on his adventures through the American West trying to keep children from taking "my fucking marshmallows."

That Honeycomb Thing: ???? - I don't know what this is supposed to be, or what he's on, but I kind of want to try some.

Snap, Crackle, and Pop: Methamphetamine - It turns out the manufacture and distribution of illegal stimulants is a team sport. These three spent much of the late 1990's accumulating arrests for shoplifting pseudoephedrine containing products and for possession of large amounts of cash and crystal meth.
Tragically, all three were killed in a high speed chase with police officers at 2:30 in the morning through the suburbs of Birmingham, Alabama on July 14, 2005. The Kellogg company said in a statement that they will continue to run adds featuring the three diminutive, onomatopoetic characters until they run out of the "hundreds upon hundreds" of commercials recorded prior to the incident.

Toucan Sam: Cocaine - Perhaps the most fascinating story of all is that of Toucan Sam. Born Samuel Josue Hector Ramirez to Columbian parents in 1963, Sam, as he would later be known came to the United States in 1982 with only a few pennies and a dream. He was introduced to show business by a friend by the name of Ivan Chocula, another immigrant sharing a room in the same run-down tenement where Ramirez was staying. The two became fast friends and supplemented their income by selling cocaine to school children. The two parted ways in 1986 when Ramirez's nose got him addicted to the product inadvertently. Unwilling to seek help, Ramirez pushed Chocula away, but continued to grow his drug empire. He would be given the nickname Toucan Sam by a Miami newspaper after the brutal slaying of 12 people in a Cinnamon Toast Crunch factory in 1988. In a twist of irony, Sam was murdered in his home by members of the gang run by his one time friend and partner, Ivan "the Count" Chocula in 1989.

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A former homophobe who came out gay but is still sorta homophobic

by Tom Sunnergren December 13, 2006

"If you're not secure enough in your masculinity to masturbate to two men kissing, then you're a bigger fag than they are."

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O Come, All Ye Sexy Ladies

by Katie Marino December 12, 2006

I can't help but notice that this Deck the Gals contest hasn't really been going as well as I'd hoped. A startling majority of submissions have featured pink, fur-trimmed Victoria's Secret Santa costumes, and frankly, ladies, they don't do justice to the wealth of creativity I know you can muster for this sort of competition. Or (let's be honest) to your asse[t]s.

I have no problem with an old-fashioned Santa hat or white, fur-trimmed thigh-highs. It's not that I'm suggesting you haven't been putting forth any effort, but I know you can do better. In case you're at a loss for ideas and are too swamped with finals to brainstorm properly, I've compiled a very short list of suggestions for ways to decorate yourselves WITHOUT going to Victoria's Secret and dropping $75 on Christmas-themed pink lingerie.

Strategically-placed Bow. Just rip a bow off of a street lamp or a wreath or a new Lexus or your neighbor's door and affix it to your bosom.

Strategically-placed Candy Cane. I'm fairly certain that they sell giant candy canes everywhere, but just incase you can't find one, get a regular candy cane and take a picture of you pleasuring yourself (or one of your friends, if they'll let you) with it. Boys will sing your praises, and your lady parts will taste like peppermint!

Strategically-placed Gift Wrap. Get a couple of those poufy last-minute ribbon things and use their convenient self-adhesive backing to stick them to your ta-tas. Then hold a small, wrapped gift over your vajayjay to indicate that it is a special present for your special guy. Hopefully he'll give you a special present, too, like diamonds, or a puppy, or a new pair of oven mitts.

Strategically-placed Star of David. This one is for our Jewish friends. I love Jesus, so I'm not really sure where you can get a Star of David that's the right size, but if you whine long enough your daddy will probably find one for you. I know that Jewish people feel left out enough as it is, this time of year, so I wanted to include them. Plus the prize for this contest is money, and we all know how much they like that.

And finally, Wear Felt Reindeer Antlers and Pretend One of Those Light-Up Reindeer in Your Front Yard is Totally Boning You. Make sure that your face conveys that you're either really surprised or just about to climax.

Okay, girls, I hope that gets your wheels a-turning. Remember, boys started this contest because they want to pay us $100 to see us in our skivvies, so let's at least give them their money's worth.

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