So I'm alone in my 12-degree apartment, which is dark save the bluish light emanating from my 32" TV (which I got for free, no big deal). My roommate has left for spring break, my ex-boyfriend is texting me from New Orleans about how totally badass the JT concert is (and about how he'll never love me again, no matter how many Omaha Steaks I have shipped to his house), I'm all out of scotch, and now, to top it all off, I have to sit through an hour of American Idol Manufactured Bullshit. But lo! Both life and American Idol were chock full of surprises this evening, and, as it turned out, I was hardly the only person in the room (if we're counting the people on TV as being in the room, which I obviously am, because I am a sad, lonely spinster woman) crying. Also I wasn't really crying. I was smiling. Because somehow, 32 million people have conspired to make a mockery of American Idol. But I'll get to that later, right after I finish starting all my sentences with conjunctions.

Our 20 favorite songsters started the hour off wrong with a resplendent rendition of "Joy to the World." Last week they started off with a Tears for Fears song, and everybody ended up crying this week, so I can only assume that  next week there will either be a flood of clear water or a church revival, or both. It was, as anticipated, unremarkable except that A.J. sang the lyric "You know I love the ladies," which is uproariously ironic because he is easily the gayest guy in that 20-person high school show choir. And then Antonella sucked at singing, and I was counting the minutes until I never had to deal with her pretty, "family landscaping business" ass again. 

Nick Pedro is going home, which is fine. He sings "Fever" one more time, and I'm sure his elimination was due to the fact that he's neither young, nor bald, nor unibrowed, nor fat, nor sweaty enough to be memorable. If you'll recall, he left Hollywood last year because he couldn't bring himself to remember the words to "Build Me Up Buttercup," and tonight he apparently has the same problem with The Last Fucking Song He Will Ever Sing On National Television. Get a hold of yourself, you sexy-voiced amnesiac.

Seacrest takes a moment to promote the Idol Challenge, and just to prove that it's not all a big giant lie of a fake contest, he points out last week's winner, one Sean Jones of Wisconsin, who is in the audience. Sean Jones is fat, old, gray-haired, wears glasses, and has bad teeth, and should either be euthanized or given an Extreme Makeover. Or merely not visually broadcast to the entire nation.

In what I assumed would be a break from the Sobfest, Kelly Pickler performed some stupid country song she co-wrote. Judging from her appearance and the banter she and Seacrest exchanged before she sang, I'm assuming that she was appearing on Idol tonight as Reese Witherspoon playing June Carter in Walk the Line, who is dressed up as Xtina-during-her-Marilyn-Monroe-phase for Halloween, who is in turn dressed as Kimber from Nip/Tuck. By the end of her song, Ms. Pickler was almost in tears, which surprised me more than it probably should have, although I still don't understand why she was crying. Ah yes, I forgot: The Curse of Tears for Fears.

    = Kelly Pickler

When eliminations came down to two boys, A.J. the Gay and Sanjaya the Long-Haired Hippie Person were left trembling on the brink of disappointment. I was sure, as I'm sure were the judges and everyone else in the room, that Sanjaya was out of there. However, it was A.J. and his diminutive height who were sent a-packin', and no one was pleased. Even Sanjaya looked like he felt kind of bad about it, but that little Indian garners a whole shit ton of teen votes, and the judges made remarks about how people should vote for the singing and not because someone is close to your same age. Then A.J. sang his farewell of "Feelin' Good," and he sang it awesomely, as if to prove to America that he is way, way, WAY more appropriate for this competition than Sanjaya and his Michael-Jackson-circa-1984 costume choices. To be fair, I've never liked A.J., but that's just because I'm prejudiced against gays and short people. Oh, also, of course, all the girls and Sundance were crying as he said his good-byes.

We get to the girls' elimination, and Gina already has her stupid-"rocker"-haircut-covered head in her hands, weeping, for she knows that one of her new BFFs must depart for anonymity. Seacrest calls Antonella, Leslie, and Jordin up to the stage, and it's obvious that Jordin's not going home, because she's the shiznit, but still Gina must weep prematurely. Seacrest recounts for all 32 million of us the judges' negative comments about Antonella's awful performance last night, and immediately afterwards pronounces her safe. Antonella gloats.

I'm reasonably sure that everyone in the studio audience was making the exact same face

This episode had more twists than The Sixth Sense and The Shawshank Redemption combined... which equals one and a half, and this episode had two, so my math is correct. The judges seemed all pissed because America is playing a giant prank on the show by keeping Sanjaya and Antonella around, and I am happy because now I have so much more hating to do. Buenos noches, bitches.

Sorry this is more like The Evening After. It's midterms time. And I'm lazy.

I'll just get right to it. It's still Dedications Week, so. That's great.

1. Gina Glocksen - dedicated to her boyfriend, Joe - "Alone"
Me: Her dress is too tight on her shoulders. This song suits her personality. It was meh, but it suited her. She looks pretty... -er than usual.
Randy: This song was a song choice for you. I think that's where you really belong.
Paula: Excellent job, really good.
Simon: I thought your vocals felt very forced at the end. I'm still kind of confused as to who you are, though. I thought, to be honest, when we put you through, that you were a little bit more edgy than this.

2. Alaina Alexander - dedicated to her mom - "Not Ready to Make Nice"
Me: Oh good, her mom is crying, too. Geez, Alaina, quit breathing so loud. Ew, bad note at the end of the chorus. Her dress is adorable. I hope she NEVER has to go to college. She's pitchy as hell, though.
Randy: It started off good, the first coupla bars were good. When you went up for the chorus, the tuning and the pitch just went away. It was a mess for me. It was all over the place.
Paula: It's a hard song to sing. The pitch was a little bit off.
Simon: Let me put this in plain English: It was like Randy taking part in a 100-meter sprint. Three-fourths of the way through the race, he would run out of steam, and that's what happened.

3. LaKisha Jones - dedicated to Grandma Ruth - "Midnight Train to Georgia"
Me: Holy hell. Grandma Ruth is 90 but she looks about 55. Wow. Okay, I hate her eyeshadow, but her voice is divine. I want her to sing me to sleep every night. I hope when I die and go to heaven, the heavenly choir is comprised entirely of LaKisha Jones angels singing gospel lullabyes. I want to steal her voice and keep it in a seashell around my neck.
Randy: That was- man, forget the nerves. You got that big ol' voice, man. That was hot!
Paula: You gotta remember, you're *black person face* LaKISHA! WOO-WOO! *end black person face* I love it. And I love you.
Simon: You have a phenomenally good voice. I think, at this stage, you can afford to predict that you're gonna be a big star, and you've gotta start acting like a big star now.

4. Melina Dolittle - dedicated to her "gay-ulls" - "My Funny Valentine"
Me: Oh. My. God. She deserves to win. Her voice sounds like velvety smooth cello honey butter. God, she is amazing. This is easily the best version of this song I've ever heard.
Randy: Melinda Dolittle came out here tonight to win it! That was unbelievable. Yo, that was hot, man. Wow.
Paula: You phrased that song so brilliantly, so differently, so out of this world... I applaud you.
Simon: That was incredible. What I like about you -because we've had some precocious little monsters on this show with very little talent and enormous egos- and you have this fantastic talent, great voice, and you don't know how good you are, and I don't think you'd change if you did well. You're a breath of fresh air, and it was a fantastic performance.

5. Antonella Barba - dedicated to her brother, Vincenzo - "Because You Loved Me"
Me: She would have a brother named Vincenzo. Then again, my brother's name is Vinnie, too, so maybe I should shut up. Maybe Antonella should shut up, too. She is the worst singer ever. Ever. Oh God, her mom (maybe?) is mouthing the words along with her. This arrangement is really fast to compensate for Antonella's inability to sustain notes. But you can still tell she sucks. I wish she would unwittingly cross the bridge that Sundance guards, and I wish that he would demand a toll of, like, a quart of Rita's Italian Ice, and Antonella wouldn't have it because it's winter and Rita's is closed, and then I wish that Sundance would cook her for dinner in his troll stew because she couldn't pay. I do love her shoes, though.
Randy: On the positive side, you're a drop-dead gorgeous girl. That song was the wrong choice. Way too big for you, pitch was all over the place. I wish I could sing like Celine, too, but I can't.
Paula: Less than 1% of the population can sing like Celine. Having said that, Antonella, I think you made leaps and bounds from last week.
Simon: I thought you were worse than last week.
Antonella: I'm gonna listen to Paula's criticism, cause Simon was wrong about Jennifer Hudson.
Audience: OOOOOHHHH.
Me: Antonella, you will not be winning any awards for anything except perhaps looking really good in a retro-print minidress.

6. Jordin Sparks - dedicated to her brother PJ - "Reflections"
Me: She's not that great on this song. I know she's young, but Christina Aguielara was only 19 when she recorded it, and she sounds a lot less breathy. Of course, she also wasn't crying at the time. Jordin has great control over her voice, though, even through the sobbing.
Randy: 17 years old, where you are today, is just unbelievable as a record producer. I am just so, so impressed with where you are and the ability you have, so, it wasn't the best you've done, but it was still really good.
Paula: There's something about you that's infectious. You just know that you're a good human being. You are a brilliant, talented girl.
Simon: It wasn't your best, but compared to a lot of other people, it was excellent. I think your dedications are probably getting to you, but you did very well.

7. Stephanie Edwards - dedicated to her mom and dad - "Dangerously in Love"
Me: I like: her voice. I hate: her dress, her hair with her dress, this song, her earrings.
Randy: You proved that you should be up here. You did SO much better than last week, and you did well last week. But check this out: it's a little "Beyonce Lite."
Paula: I think you were fantastic, brilliant, and so many people are in love with Beyonce. I think so many people are going to be in love with Stephanie Edwards.
Simon: I have to agree with Paula. Because you're not just taking part in this competition, you're coming out here, putting your mark down. I thought it was a terrific performance, Steph.

8. Leslie Hunt - dedicated to her dead grandpa, Bob - "I'm Feelin' Good"
Me: I hate to say this, but A.J. did it way better. This weird-faced overgrown Cabbage Patch Doll is outta here. Stop scatting, you horrible, pumpkin-haired, giant child.
Randy: I don't know, it was just alright for me. I'm happy to see her turn back to her jazz thing, though.
Paula: I love that you're being you.
Simon: Paula liked it because that bit at the end sounded like Paula judging the show: "blee doo blop blah de bloop." The problem is, Les, that you've just been whacked by three or four BIG voices before you, so I think you're getting lost in this competition.

9. Haley Scarnato - dedicated to her fiancee, Bobby - "Queen of the Night"
Me: She is SUCH a butterface! This song is lame. It's all "I'm so fun and naughty" but really she's probably neither. She would look awesome if she were beheaded.
Randy: It wasn't great for me. Vocally it just wasn't on point.
Paula: I wanna say, leaps and bounds better than last week, and we get to see your personality a lot better.
Simon: I think it was A for effort. It was a little manic, verging on insane, at one point, and I think you are one of two or three very vulnerable girls tonight.

10. Sabrina Sloane - dedicated to her grandmother (who wears giant hats) - "All the Man That I Need"
Me: Her hair looks a lot better tonight. Her voice has a nice tone, but I think last week was better. It was less screamy.
Randy: Very nice, overall.
Paula: I just love you, you are fantastic, you are a big contender in the competition.
Simon: Very good. Don't confuse power with shouting, though. I preferred you last week. I thought you were better, younger, more refreshing. But you'll be back next week.
Me: Simon and I always agree.

In like two hours: Eliminations!

A summit of mock world leaders assembled at West Chesterston University over the weekend to debate a number of simulated world issues.  After about 4 hours of skillful negotiating and heated debate, the summit ended when Stan Winkowski, representing Finland, declared: "Everything is totally cool."

The long and rocky road to global unity began with a discussion between the US and Iran about nuclear energy policy.  Debate came to a head when the Iranian representative called the US ambassador a "total cock-goblin" causing the assembly to erupt in furious laughter.  The United States then imposed sanctions on everyone for "being total douches."

Meanwhile, tensions continued to mount elsewhere as a discussion about conservation of whale species led to a comment about the Japanese ambassador's mother.

The stage was set for global conflict when an unlikely hero rose to the occasion, bringing all of the nations present together, unified possibly for the first time in history.  Alan Fordberg, representing Cuba, shouted above the din, "Can we just cool it for, like, one second and get a pizza, or something?"

For a moment, the air in the room was silent before a few intermittent claps crescendoed into raucous applause for Alan "The Peacemaker" Fordberg.  Old hatred was forgotten in this new era of extending an offer of pizza to one's foes.  New alliances were forged based on the common humanity that exists among all peoples, and all feasted merrily upon the bounty of Antonio's Pizzeria.

"This is a great day for pretend world politics," remarked model UN proctor Kathy Hollingstonworth. 


A transcript of the day's proceedings was sent to UN headquarters for consideration in upcoming sessions.

So, I don't exactly know how to say this, but... tonight's episode was actually good. I mean, not "good TV" good, but "American Idol" good. For the most part, the guys sounded good, and I even laughed a few times. With them, not at them. Even Paula brought her A-game, and, in addition to apparently not  being under the influence of any prescription drugs, was actually almost witty. I'm going to write this off as an anomaly, and assume the quality was due to residual good humor from Jennifer Hudson winning an Oscar. Also, Jeff Foxworthy was in the audience, so... make of that what you will, but whatever was going on, I enjoyed watching this episode. It was surreal.

Also, because every week obviously requires some sort of gimmick, this week is "Dedication Week," so we got to witness short video segments about how much each contestant loves one or more of his friends or family, which was much less charming than I'm sure the producers intended it to be.

Now let's get on with that hating (sort of)!

1. Phil Stacey - dedicated to some dude from (or perhaps an entire branch of) the US Military - "I Ain't Missing You"
Me: I actually like his voice now, despite his weird alien cancer head. Plus I love this song, obviously. He sounds good.
Randy: That was hot, Phil. You showin' your power.
Paula: Every week I'm hearing how great the TONE of your voice is. And I can hear you right now on the radio.
Simon: I'm not jumping out of my chair. I think you're a very popular guy, I think you have a completely unoriginal voice. I quite liked the bit towards the end, but where I'm struggling here is: I'm still not hearing anything unique. I'm just hearing very, very good karaoke.

2. Jared Cotter - dedicated to his mom and dad - "You Sexy Thing"
Me: Oh, he's no Marvin Gaye, that's for damn sure. He's not bad though. But seriously, talk about cheesy... Also, is this appropriate for all the 8-year-olds who watch this show? Plus his face looks pained. Like he's had an erection for four hours and requires medical attention. Maybe Foxworthy can do a joke about that...
Randy: I kinda liked it, but I loved the whole face move, dog. I might have to borrow that one.
Paula: You're a good looking guy, you are.
Randy: Did you like the face thing? (does the "face thing")
Paula: I like it when JARED does it.
Me & Audience: Ooooh!
Paula: That's the kind of song, though, that you don't have to push. No pun intended.
Simon: Look, I'm glad that you made the attempt to actually make a bit of a statement. It did remind me, though, of The Love Boat. It was a bit corny, in parts.
Randy: That would have been a great Love Boat, man.
Ryan: And the things we've all done to that song! Memories...
Me: Yeah, like DUDES, Seacrest?!
Audience: Ooooh!

3. A.J. Tabaldo - dedicated to his mom and dad - "I'm Feelin' Good"
Me: I really like this song. He'd better not gay it up. So far, so good. Oh, there it goes. Stop dancing, you tiny Mexican fairy! I guess he's an okay singer. Gay last note. Gay! Idol ruins everything.
Randy: So check it out, dog, it was so much better than last week. At least you proved that you got skillz [sic]. Kinda nice, though, baby. It's kinda nice.
Paula: A.J., you have a real, real, real, real, REAL good voice.
Simon: You know, I have to say, that was actually nearly very good, and you looked strangely comfortable doing that.

4. Sanjaya Malakar - dedicated to his dead grandfather - "Stepping Out"
Me: Sweet "Billie Jean" costume, kid. I like him, personality-wise, but I really don't think his voice is strong enough for this. Also he looks like a girl in that hat.
Randy: Sanjaya, God, listen: you're a nice guy. I like you, but this felt like a weird high school talent show for me. It's like you borrowed our dad's hat. It just really didn't work for me. This was not good. I thought it was really weak.
Paula: I think it would be great to pick songs that celebrate your youth.
Simon: It was like some ghastly lunch where after lunch, your parents asked the children to dress up and sing. It came over as very weak, a little weird, and it made absolutely no impact. I don't get why you did that.

5. Chris Sligh - dedicated to his wife (who is way too hot for him) - "Trouble"
Me: His voice is really beautiful. I will kill his wife. I don't care how much he claims to "love her" via the lyrics of this song.
Rudy: Good choice, I liked that.
Paula: Watch your pitch a little bit, and watch getting ahead of the music a little bit. Other than that, you're real awesome.
Simon: Tonight, you were a very good singer.

6. Nick Pedro - dedicated to his girlfriend (who has a GIANT CHIN) - "Fever"
Me: This song is perfect for his voice. It sounds really good, but he can't sing jazz forever. ... OR CAN HE?
Randy: Very pitchy in spots, and you were kinda rushin' a little bit, but very nice, dude. That's the Nick that we love.
Paula: Just let go. You don't have anything to worry about. Just go for it.
Simon: I felt you lacked charisma on it. I felt you should have dressed up a bit.

Ah, elimination: my favorite part of the show. My other favorite aspect of this show, Drunken Ramblings With Paula Abdul, was also showcased this hour. If I weren't so broken up about the OC ending, I might actually have enjoyed myself.

The 24-strong Ragtag Multicultural Misfits Brigade pretended they were the cast of Rent for a few minutes and harassed  my ears with "Sowing the Seeds of Love." I'm not a fan of giant group performances. They always seem like first-grade school pageant numbers performed by attention-hungry pseudo-adults, some of whom are wearing stupid hats (I'm looking at you, Phil Stacey). I'm confident that somewhere, on a plateau in a desert, Tears for Fears was "Shout"ing at their TV.

The first row of guys went up, and Paul "Chinaman Who Refused to Wear Shoes on Stage" Kim, the last one in line, got sent home. Then Antonella was the last girl in her line, so I was sure she was out of there, as she well deserved to be. Inexplicably, she will be with us at least until next week. I have to hand it to Seacrest, that was a pretty good fake-out. Even better, though, was when he realized that he needed to send somebody home so they could sing before the break, so he just called up Amy "Boring With a Giant Stupid Ugly Face" Krebs and was like, "Hey, Amy, you're gone." And I was all, "Thank God! She is a hideous mer-beast," and my roommate was like, "She is NOT that ugly!" and I was like, "Are you serious? Take a gander at that mouth. She looks like a catfish." Also she's boring, and with that pairing of characteristics, I'm pretty sure she's incapable of making any worthwhile contributions to society. Oh, ALSO, she was wearing one of those shirts that gathers under the bosom and makes ladies look pregnant. That girl can't do anything right.

During Eliminations Part 2, we said good-bye to Nicole "I Claim to Be a Voice Major, But When I Sing I Make Noises Like I'm Being Anally Raped by a Red-Hot Screwdriver" Tranquillo and Rudy "I'm So Boring That Katie Can't Even Think of Anything Insulting to Say About me" Cardenas. Nicole screamed her black-person song from last night (which I believe Randy claimed was "too urban" for her) and Rudy closed the show with his stupid candy-ass dancing and being tall. Good riddance to both of them.

Next week it's all "more performances" this and "give Katie a migraine" that. I've asked my grandma to light a candle in church for Sundance to get eliminated, but it's Lent and God's probably pretty busy with other stuff, like fat people who need help giving up cake or whatever. Still, Virgin Mary, if you're listening, please send that sweaty troll back under the bridge whence he came. I'm sick of looking at the bloated, magenta parade float that he calls a face. Amen.

Disclaimer: I do not watch American Idol live. I watch it after the show is done recording. Last night I decided to start trying to watch it at like 8:30, because my roommate wanted to watch Lost at 10. Long story short, the recording got all messed up and I only ended up seeing 6 of the girls. But... half is better than none, right? I'm not sure if anybody actually cares about this anyway.

2. Amy Krebs, 22, Washington - "I Can't Make You Love Me"
Me: My God, she has a giant mouth. And she does not know how to pronounce vowels. This is boring. Her face offends me.
Randy: That was kind of like a medium, middle-of-the-road kind of performance. It was kind of a boring song for you. It was little, very, very too safe for me.
Paula: I am gonna have to agree with Randy.
Simon: I said in that clip, "I'm not gonna remember you." I still can't remember you. When you sing, you have the personality of a candle. There's nothing to remember.

3. Leslie Hunt, 24, Illinois - "Natural Woman"
Me: All these girls have such huge, stupid mouths. This sound like karaoke. The background singers overpower her. Is she really one of the top 12 girls they could find? In the entire country? God.
Randy: Uh, I was hoping for definite greatness, but that song, actually, I felt, was too big for you. You can't take Aretha, Stevie, Mariah, Christina, and just let it lie there.
Paula: I think you did a great job, Leslie. However, watch the songs you pick.
Simon: It wasn't great. You look embarrassed and ungainly when you perform, as if you don't really wanna be there.

4. Sabrina Sloan, 27, California - "I Never Loved a Man (The Way I Love You)"
Me: I hate her hair so so much. If I had that hair, I would get a weave. Wow, I like her singing though. She's good. Despite her hair.
Randy: America, we finally got ourselves Season 6, a competition! That's the way to put it down, that's the way to sing! Yo! That's the one to beat right there. That was hot! That was fire right there.
Paula: Standing ovation. Awesome. Way to go! Mwah!
Simon: That performance, probably, out of everything I've seen so far, is the best so far.

5. Antonella Barba, 20, New Jersey - "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing"
Me: She's pretty, but everything about this is painful. She is not a good singer. Her diction is so stupid and weird. That was a dumb arrangement to compensate for the fact that she has no range.
Randy: I gotta keep it real. It wasn't good. It was really pitchy, it was really bland. It really wasn't good, it wasn't great.
Paula: It may not have been great, but it wasn't bad. You had some pitch problems. First of all, you look... you're an amazingly beautiful girl.
Simon: Well, the good news is, you're attractive. The bad news is, it didn't work. It was way, way, WAY too big for you, that song. And I think this has seriously damaged your chances of staying here another week. Sorry.

6. Jordin Sparks, 17, Arizona - "Give Me One Reason"
Me: I love her. She's smart and she knows how to use her voice. And she doesn't have a giant stupid weird face. She's awesome.
Randy: Don't be afraid, you can do it. I don't know if there's anything too big for you, so go there.
Paula: You do have that natural talent. Go for it, go for it, go for it!
Simon: I think: push yourself. You may surprise a few people in this competition. That was good.

7. Nicole Tranquillo, 20, Pennsylvania - some Chaka Khan song
Me: She looks like Sheryl Crow. Horse face. This song seems too low. She's a good singer, I guess. This song is dumb though. She makes dumb faces when she sings. She's a pretty good performer though.
Randy: I don't know, dog, it wasn't really workin' for me. That was rough for me.
DVR: HAHAHA Now the recording doesn't work anymore.
Me: NOOOOOO.

Tomorrow we find out who goes home. Tonight, I guess. Whatever. It's also the OC SERIES FINALE, though, so I may have some trouble typing the update through my tears.

Okay, so here's how things are going to go down from now on (at least for a while): Every week there are three shows. On Tuesday night the boys sing, on Wednesday night the girls sing, and then on Thursday night they announce which two boys and two girls are going home. This will go on for three weeks until the Final 24 have been reduced to the Top 12. During this time, I feel that I have to comment about everyone, but that will take forever, since there are 12 performances each night. For the sake of brevity, I'm just going to transpose my notes about each performance, with quotes from the judges, and hopefully that won't take up too much space or time. Because for serious,  this show is really fucking long.

[Quick note: Ryan looks older than usual tonight, and Paula (due to an unfortunate dye job) looks crazier than usual. But enough about them. The American people are the ones who matter now. Oh, also, sometimes I may or may not have made up the titles of the songs based on the lyrics in the chorus. Whatever.]

1. Rudy Cardenas, 28, Venezuela - "Free Ride"
Me: Bad diction, nice bulls eye shirt. I'm tired of him already.
Randy: Really corny, dog. Just keepin' it real.
Paula: You started [the show] off fantastic.
Simon: I've never heard you do anything which is unique. (Paula tries to argue) We don't want to hear from you, Paula.

2. Brandon Rogers, 29, California - "Rock With You"
Me: Man, he's cute. Mmm mmm. And he's eye-fucking the shit out of the camera. This song is stupid.
Randy: A little pitchy. It's cool just to sing the melody.
Paula: You're great, and we remember you from your previous auditions. (This comment makes me think that Paula does not remember him at all.)
Simon: Predictable song. You've got to make an impact. You're better than that.

3. Sundance Head, 28, Texas - "Nights in White Satin"
Me: Sundance is so fat and sweaty. Eww and he's off key. He sounds nervous. And he's short. I hate him.
Randy: Oh, so yo, dog. I think it was pitchy like all the way through.
Paula: I think you picked the wrong song.
Simon: You've gone right off since we first saw you. Tonight you were like dad at a wedding. Very uninspiring. I don't like you tonight. (Paula to Simon: I don't like you ever.)

4. Paul Kim, 25, California - "Never Gonna Dance Again"
Me: Get over your barefoot bullshit, loser. He's so quiet and breathy. Ew and an awful high part of the song... what a stupid song. I wonder what it's actually called.
Randy: I don't know if I love this song on you. I still like your potential.
Paula: You kind of over sang the song and you kind of didn't find your center.
Simon: I would suggest you put your shoes on next week. It's a singing competition.
Ryan: (who has taken off his shoes as well) I just gotta represent. And I just got a pedicure, so I wanted to show it off.
Me: Oh, Seacrest...

5. Chris Richardson, 22, Virginia - "I Don't Want To Be"
Me: Nice forehead acne, Justin TimberFAKE. Oh God I hate this song. Wow, he really sounds like Justin though. And dances like him too. Awful last note! Gah! Okay, he is cute though.
Randy: I feel like this show just started right here. Do your thing, baby.
Paula: I thought you did a great arrangement; a lot of fun. Way to go.
Simon: I thought your voice sounded very small in that song, although I like you. I think the girls are gonna vote for you. You're a good looking guy.

6. Nick Pedro, 25, Massachusetts - "Now and Forever"
Me: Nice accent. Seriously, though, sexy voice. Okay I want to bone somebody. NOW. I love him.
Randy: I don't know, dog. It was really boring, man. I feel like I lost Nick.
Paula: The magic kind of fell flat.
Simon: I didn't think it was that bad, actually. We miss liveliness and confidence. I think you'll definitely be back next week.
Nick: Vote for Pedro!
Ryan: Haha.

7. Blake Lewis, 25, Washington - "Sympathy"
Me: I LOVE YOU, BLAKE!!! Really. I love him.
Randy: I kinda dug it, man. You did a good job. I liked it, man.
Paula: I'm really proud of you. I love your falsetto.
Simon: Not the best vocal I've ever heard in my life, but you're the first person who's come out tonight and sounded like they were in 2007. By far, the best tonight.

8. Sanjaya Malakar, 17 - "Somethin' Bout Your Love"
Me: Kind of weak, but his voice has a beautiful tone. And he has nice teeth! He's cute.
Randy: You try and tackle a Stevie song? It wasn't even remotely close. I'm sorry, it was bad.
Paula: You are a sweet soul and there's an easiness about you.
Simon: The irony was the verse used most was "I don't want to bore you with this." This was, without question, the most dreary performance we've heard this  night. It was dull.

9. Chris Sligh, 28, South Carolina - "Typical"
Me: Oh God. Marry me, Chris Sligh. Wow. He sounds like Sting + Phil Collins + God himself.
Randy: You were ahead of the beat. I am a Chris fan, I loved it, I like you, I think you're the bomb, baby!
Paula: You're anything but typical.
Simon: I kind of felt like I was at some weird student gig.
(Then followed some weird, uncomfortable thing during which Ryan tried to start shit with Simon and Chris mentioned Teletubbies. I don't know what was going on.)

10. Jared Cotter, 25, New York - "Back At One"
Me: Wow. I haven't heard this song in forever. Wow. Everybody loves a song with a list in the lyrics. He and TimberFAKE should do "Dick in a Box." Also he's not that good.
Randy: I didn't like the way it ended, but you know, it was pretty good.
Paula: You remind us of a younger Brian McKnight.
Simon: It was a very unadventurous performance. I thought you sounded a bit nasally. You look good...

11. A.J. Tabaldo, 22, California - "All My Love"
Me: Nice popped collar and gay dancing. He's not that good at singing.
Randy: It was pretty good. You definitely can blow.
Paula: You can definitely sing. I thought you did a great job.
Simon: It was good, nothing great, nothing terrible, very predictable. Maybe you're better than I originally thought.

12. Phil Stacey, 29, Florida - "I Could Not Ask For More"
Me: He has that "always-high-Jim-Breuer" look going on. He also looks like he has cancer. God he SUCKS AT SINGING. He's boring. Okay, maybe not. The chorus is good. The beginning was lame, though. And he still looks like he has cancer.
Randy: Phil, from the Dog, you get the best vocal props of the night.
Paula: Man, you just opened up and you were right on pitch. It was great.
Simon: The beginning was monstrous. I don't think you nailed it. I think it was okay.

Then at the end, Ryan tried to vilify Simon, as usual, which really pisses me off for several reasons which I won't go into right now. Simon responded to Seacrest's sophomoric antics with, "I'm not gonna lie to people. You can do that to people on your radio show, Ryan." Simon is the man now, dog.

More tomorrow. I'm going to need some Ritalin to get through it all. God, this show is so long.

Today the final 40 contestants gather expectantly in the lobby of a hotel or something to wait and see if they'll be staying in Hollywood (on the REAL show) or going home and crying. In the end, 12 guys and 12 girls will go to the "Idol House" (? I had no idea they all lived in the same house, though I guess that makes sense, but if I were a parent, I'm not so sure I'd want my adorable and busty 17-year-old daughter sharing living quarters with Sundance "Sweaty Balloon of Porridge" Head. Maybe I'm old-fashioned), which means that only 16 have to go home. Which kind of sucks for those 16 people.
Here's a run-down of who's in  the hizzouse and who's going "weep weep weep" all the way home:

• Sanjaya Malakar, the smiley 17-year-old Indian kid
• Melinda Dolittle, the meek background singer. She even gets kisses from Simon. Racy.
• Brandon Rogers, a cute black guy
• Gina Glocksen, who got cut last year during Hollywood Week
• Haley Scennardo, who is unremarkable
• Phil Stacy, the douche bag who missed the birth of his daughter to audition
• Chris Sligh, aka Jack Osbourne/Black
• Blake Lewis, the beat boxer
• Rudy Cardinas, who was also in their "How Deep is Your Love" quartet
• Paul Kim, some Asian guy who refuses to ever wear shoes again
• Jordin Sparks, the cute 17-year-old Latina girl
• AJ Tabaldo, who has auditioned 5 times now
• Stephanie Edwards, whom I have never seen before
• Leslie Hunt, ditto
• Nicholas Pedro, who "bowed out" last year after forgetting the words to "Build Me Up, Buttercup" and reminds me of Robert Downey, Jr.
  
• Alaina Alexander, who cries pretty much all the time
• Chris Richardson, who reminds Simon of his one true love Justin Timberlake
• Sabrina Sloan, who is... meh.
• Lakisha Jones, who is awesome at singing, if probably too old and fat to actually win once it's up to America
• Nicole Tranquillo, whom, like most of these girls, I have never seen before
• Jared Cotter, who is cute
• Amy Krebs, who is not that cute

It's Hollywood Week, y'all! (screaming and cheering) Seacrest reminds us that one of the 127 Hollywood contestants will go on to become as mega super famous as the likes of Katharine McPhee, Taylor Hicks, and Chris Daughtry. Oh, if only anyone who doesn't watch Idol knew who those people are.

• Cowboy whose group has bad (meaning "no") harmony
• Amanda & Antonella, BFFs from New Jersey, pair up with Baylie "Commercial with a Capital C" Brown, to Baylie's chagrin. The BFFs may or may not be smart enough to try to sabotage the outsider, but either way, they make for a pretty cute three-some. Singing threesome, of course. ... Eh, whatever. I'm sure those Jersey hos make out with each other all the time.
  
  
  
• Perla "I Wish I Was Shakira" Meneses, the Fakest Columbian Ever, is pissing her group off because she has no idea how to sing a song that she hasn't hear Shakira sing. Le sigh. She also has a strange Case of the Disappearing Accent, a la Buckwild from "Flavor of Love." Beaner, please!
• Amanda of Amanda & Antonella wanders off at one point to go flirt with a black guy. (Me: Jersey girls truly are trashy. My roommate: Jersey girls ain't trash. Trash gets taken out! Me: That's clever. Did you think of that yourself? My roommate: Shut up.)

Then, to my never-ending delight, come the performances themselves.

• The Good: Perla "Taco-Flavored Kisses" Meneses goes home.
  

• The Bad: Matt Sato, my favorite 16-year-old, pink-Razr-owning, 3-carat-diamond-stud-earring-sporting, show-choir-performing gay kid gets sent home.

• The Inexplicable:Sundance Head, despite being berated by Simon on the previous day for "looking like he was boiling" when he sang, AND despite the fact that he sang the loudest, worst back-up I have ever heard, was allowed to stay. Presumably because of his goofy-ass name. (His real name is Jason. Why the fuck would you prefer to be called Sundance? Hippies these days.)

• The Greatest Thing I Have Ever Witnessed on Idol:Chris Jack Black/Osbourne, Blake Beat-Box-It, Rudy I Don't Have a Nickname for Him, and Thomas Wears a Fedora sing "How Deep is Your Love." At first they're singing, and they sound good, whatevs, right? Then Blake busts out a sweet beat and they go all crazy and a cappella and... I cannot describe the glory in words. I never, ever, EVER expect anything good from American Idol. I mean, really, never. But when four guys with relatively tight vocals groove the "Saturday Night Fever" theme song to a motherfuckin' vocally-produced BEAT BOX... Let's just say that my roommate and I were screaming and clapping and rewound it like 6 times to watch again. Check it out, because it was awesome. And by "awesome" I of course mean "not a shit-show."

Finally, the judges herd the contestants into three rooms like so many kindergardeners during a tornado drill, and one of the rooms goes home. In that room were Amanda of Amanda & Antonella, the Indian girl whose brother did not get cut, and... other unremarkable people.

There's another show tomorrow, and who knows what will happen? Not me, my DVR stopped recording before the very end.

-Will you be Mein (Kampf)?

-Be my valentine and heil love you forever.

-Love me or I'll end you. I f*cking swear to god I'll end your life.

-This Valentines Day I can't bear to be without you (maybe draw a picture of a cute bear?)

-I reich you a lot.

-Our love is pure.

-You've blitzkrieged into my heart.

-I will f*cking kill you if you won't be my valentine. I will f*cking cut out your heart.

There’s a lot of things people have accomplished in their life; things they are very, very proud to have done.  The mapping of the DNA in the Human Genome Project.  Christopher Columbus just goin’ for it and ending up in San Salvador.  Aquaman being accepted into the Justice League despite having quite possibly the worst powers of all time and being totally useless on land.  But none, NONE, of these accomplishments can even compare to the mass amount of things that I’ve done with my exceptional life.


1.  Became C.S. Lewis’ inspiration for The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe after I told him about the time I went to the zoo on a drug trip and talked to a lion.

2.  Developed the Flux Capacitor which allowed Doc Brown to travel back in time.  (Note: Emmett had it completely wrong.  It’s 1.35 jigawatts, not 1.21....probably why it kept breaking down, idiot.)

3.  Taught Bear Grylls of Man vs. Wild everything he knows, including how to eat a live salmon and used a pee-soaked t-shirt to keep your head cool, a practice which I still use to this very day.

4.  Passed on this piece of valuable knowledge to the Ultimate Warrior: “Queerin’ don’t make the world work.”

5.  Developed a rift in the space-time continuum that allows me to completely skip over any work I have to do by just having a training montage instead, complete with cheesy 80's music.

6.  Wrote the smash-hit movie You Got Served after entering a dance competition where I did the robot for 3 straight hours......which I won, by the way.

7. I came up with the nickname “Fred-Ex” for former Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Freddy Mitchell.

8.  Choreographed the 1985 Chicago Bears “Super Bowl Shuffle”, and also produced the bass-thumpin’ beat.

9.  I’m the inspiration for the movie Rain Man.  I broke down in California and didn’t have enough money to get back to Pittsburgh, so I acted “special” so people would take me places and I wouldn’t have to pay for anything.  That whole scene with the toothpicks....true story.  It was a lucky guess.

10.  I was wearing the Bigfoot costume in the infamous Patterson Film.  Sweaty. As. Balls.  You can actually see sweat drip off the suits boobs in frame 149.

Finally, we get to the last audition city of Season 6: San Antonio. I'm almost as excited as the 11,000 people who showed up to bust a vocal chord in the hopes that the judges will "remember" them the way Seacrest "remembers" to mention "remembering" a certain "Alamo" approximately 846 times. Give it a rest, Ryan. That shit is even more played-out than jokes about you being gay.

Apparently the craziest person they could find in Texas was Brian Kyrish, who cites Billy Idol, "Ozzie," and ACDC among his influences. His speaking voice sounds really nerdy, like one of those guys who's always laughing a little tiny bit at everything he says, on the inside, because he's just so excited to be talking to another human being in person. His audition consists primarily of a loud drop to his knees and yelling "MO! MO! MO!" while pumping his fist in the air. Predictably, the judges do not want "mo," and Brian, despite the fact that he was the grand-prize winner of a mock-Idol competition, does not get to go to Hollywood.

Haley Scranto, age 24, has been singing with wedding bands since she was four. This is impressive because four-year-olds are traditionally allowed to sing with wedding bands because of their vocal prowess and not, for instance, because of their adorable novelty. You can tell she thinks she's totally the shit, and she does have a smokin' bod, but... I'm sorry, I have to say it: butterface. I kind of wish she would make it to the Final Two and lose just so I can say, "Wait, who's the winner? Oh man! I can't believe it's not Butterface!" But I digress. Her rendition of "I Can't Make You Love Me" holds true to its promise, as Randy and Simon remain unimpressed with a hint of ambivalence, probably kind of like how they feel about whether or not they want to have sex with her. Additionally, she has a decent voice, so she's going to Hollywood.

Jasmine Holland's mom made her come onto the show, because (I'm paraphrasing) "she's 22 and she sings in her church choir, and it's about time she moved out the damn house and got herself a man." Jasmine is extremely meek, and her audition sucks pretty terribly, but I felt bad for her at first, because you can tell that, while her voice doesn't have the nicest tone or anything, she probably knows how to carry a tune, it's just that she's nervous because she's going to be on TV and her mom is trying to kick her out of the house, and if she doesn't make it to Hollywood, where will she live? She'll never get a man with that gargantuan fupa she's toting around in place of a fanny pack. Then when they told her she sucked, she got all, "You don't know me!" etc, and I, really, now I have to hate her. She and Randy have a Black Person Fight about how unfamous Randy is, and how he's not even sporting any bling, and how he sucks at shooting hoops and spitting rhymes and picking up hunnies in his Escalade. I was hoping Seacrest would be waiting in the hall with a knife when she walked out the door, and that maybe he would stab her in the fupa and it would deflate and she would fly around the room like a punctured balloon, but instead all I got was her family acting all indignant her her mom protesting that Simon doesn't know anything because he isn't American: "Simon... what's he? FRENCH?"

Baylie Brown may turn out the be the "Bay"n of my existence, depending on how far she makes it in this competition. First off, she's cute. She's 16 and blonde and is a self-professed aficionado of fashion magazines. She also lives in the country (but is a "city girl at heart") and is, according to her father, afraid that their horses will eat her. I guess at least she won't end up on the internet with her face covered in horsey sauce (probably). Anyway, she has a pretty nice voice, if she would just stop being so affected and country about it, which I don't foresee happening. Simon loves her. He says she is "every record label's dream" and "commercial with a capital C." Basically, he wishes she would end up on the internet with her face covered in Simon sauce.

Next up we are introduced to a pair of cousins of the African American persuasion, and my first thought was naturally, "Oh, another gimmick. How pleasant. How unexpected! I can hardly wait." I continued this prejudice (against gimmicks, not against black people, you jerks) when they professed to be total opposites who live together, much like Bruce Banner and the Incredible Hulk. A regular Odd Couple, they are. Additionally, neither has a job or any money, so, you know, they meet all my expectations about black people.

OR DO THEY? William Green auditions first. He sings "Amazing Grace" and the amazing thing is that he manages to never once sing a note that either sounds good or is part of the melody. Magnificent. I hated him until he admitted that he was only there to be with his cousin, at which point I was indifferent. Then he told the judges that when he left, he was going to make a fuss, and Randy was all, "Yo, represent, dog, do what you gotta do," and he opened the door and started yelling at the judges about how upset he was, etc, while they giggled, and then I fell in love with him. Truly. I want him for my own.

His cousin Akron Watson sang "A Change Gone Come," and one can immediately tell from the way she is smiling and stroking her clitoris that Paula thinks he is absolutely the cat's pajamas. Simon, however, was bored by his audition, so he stepped it up a notch and sang "Let's Get it On," which won him a sweet, Paula-sauce-coated ticket to Hollywood.

Sandie Chavez is, remarkably, the only person of apparent Mexican descent to appear in the Texas audition. She holds her ear while she's singing, presumably to hear herself better, and also, conveniently, to make herself look like an idiot. I'm not sure what the song was, but she sounded, if you can imagine such a bastardization, like the tracheally disfigured lovechild of James Brown and Sylvester Stallone. I hope Eddie Murphy was watching. I smell a new stand-up routine.

Ashlyn Carr gets to audition twice. Let me just say that the girl is seriously beautiful, which I think had a lot to do with their leniency towards her, but she was also respectful and polite and has an interesting and sexy voice. Their initial objection to her was that she scrunches up her face (not unlike Whitney "Crack is Cheap" Houston) when she sings, which they claim looks weird and is distracting, but which also affects her diction and makes her go off pitch, which is the bigger problem.  Anyway, after Simon says yes but Randy and Paula say no, they decide that if Simon actually likes someone, they should probably let her go to Hollywood. Plus, like I said, she's really beautiful, and Simon is not adverse to wetting his dick in some brown sugar. (Oh, also, when she came back into the audition room, Simon was all, "You have some bad habits that you need to get rid of" while overtly fondling his own glorious man-breasts. I mean, really. How is anyone supposed to take that hypo-Brit seriously? P.S. You're not the only one who can make horrible puns, Seacrest.)

Thank God for the last audition of the season, one Jimmy McNeal, a rotund and smiley black man who literally melts my heart with his good cheer and remarkably awesome rendition of "Cupid." Also, when he went out into the hall, Seacrest was holding his daughter up so she could see her dad, which was kind of  hilarious because he looked like he'd never lifted a child before in his life. Also, Jimmy was all, "I'm going to Hollywood!" and his daughter was all, "So?" It's funny because she doesn't care about his dreams.

With the 22 who made it from San Antonio, we wrap up the cattle-call portion of Season 6. Finally!

here's the breakdown:

0 Likes:  I will jump feet first into a wood chipper.

25 Likes: I will kill myself by ramming my head into something repeatedly.

50 Likes: Down the street, not across the tracks.

75 Likes: Downers and Alcohol, just like falling asleep without that pesky waking up thing.

100 Likes: I will live a life of torment and agony, manifested by a career as an emo songwriter.

150 Likes: I will be indifferent towards everything.

200 Likes: I will be a positive, productive member of society, doing the occasional good deed and/or community service project.

300 Likes: I will become a saint, healing the sick and giving sight to the blind.  Children in impoverished nations will clasp hands and sing at the mention of my name.

After Superbowl weekend, here is a new game for the masses to play under the illumination of burning Rex Grossman effigies.  It's a game that begins and never really ends, very similar to the burning sensation my roommate gets when he pisses (the thing that kills him is that she just looked so damn homegrown).  Either way the game is simple.  While sitting with a friend, claim that your penis has performed some grand and wonderful act which is wrongly attributed to some respected figure of the past.

This and other LiteBrite-like art was found strewn around the fair city of Boston, MA. Officials, assuming the images were somehow bomb threats, linked the artwork to terrorist activity. Yeah, Mooninite terrorists. Boston is officially not with it, and that sounds like a personal problem to me.

You can read a full story here.