I made a photo montage to commemorate our loss of Chris Sligh. I'm a bad singer, so I guess you'll just have to deal with that.

Editor's Note: How strange is it to hear Katie Marino's voice?  Discuss.

-Street

I'm going to admit something to you, America. I used to be a huge fan of Tragic Kingdom. Back in 5th grade, as far as I was concerned, No Doubt could do No Wrong. Sometimes I look back on my 10-year-old, body-glitter-as-eye-make-up-wearing self and I think, "Self, that's a great pair of royal blue platform Sketchers sneakers you're wearing. Now, why I called is-" and at that point, I see 10-year-old me covering her ears with her hands and yelling, "Sorry! I'm not home right now! I'm walking into spider webs, but leave a message and I'll call you back!" 10-year-old me is kind of an asshole.

Also, and I know this is a really unpopular opinion, but up until tonight I was convinced the Gwen Stefani was one of the most beautiful women in America. I'm not going to bother to defend that opinion, first of all because it's a matter of taste, and secondly because after I saw her on Idol tonight, I became convinced that she's actually not a woman at all. Guys, Gwen Stefani is a robot. A really, really boring robot. And without her signature red lipstick, she looks like she has no mouth. And she's stupid.

1. LaKisha - "Flashdance"
I know it's pretty had to be boring on a song that contains both the words "flash" and "dance" in the title, but despite the fact that she had stacked her deck, I think LaKisha did a good job tonight. I'm back to liking her and wishing she would get some cosmetic dentistry.

2. Chris S. - "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic"
I've lost all the faith I once had in this dweeb. First he lied about being adept at various needle-based arts, and then he couldn't even stay with the beat on this song. Really, Chris? At any given moment, someone in the world is singing this song in the shower. Not even along with the radio, just singing it. And they're probably closer to being on the beat than you. Then he made up some shit about having to "learn about music" and not just "open his mouth and let pleasant sounds fall out" and "think while also walking around holding the mic stand like an idiot." Also he looks like the live-action incarnation of the improbable love child of Governor Ratcliffe and his pug, Percy.

3. Gina - "I'll Stand By You"
Gina actually did a really good job. She managed to stand still and not point unnecessarily, and this song suited her voice. Or vice versa. I still can't like her because she's still a giant poser, and when I say "giant," I'm referring specifically to the way her flesh seems to be encased in her clothing every week like ground-up animal parts in so much pig intestine.

4. Sanjaya - "Bathwater"
No... words... should have... sent... a poet...

San-gay-a, mohawk?
You're lucky people only
Care about your hair.

Hey? Maybe next week,
You could try relying
On your "talent," whore.

5. Haley - "True Colors"
Leave it to Butterface to manage to sing poorly the only song in the entire universe that I thought, up until this point, was literally impossible to screw up. Cyndi Lauper did it all upbeat, Eva Cassidy did it all mellow, and thousands of other people, like the ones who record it to play over a 30-second commercial-slot-filling "message" about the Boys and Girls Club of America, have managed to make it unassuming yet beautiful. All Butterface managed to do was look hot in a minidress and remind me of being in the waiting room of my orthodontist's office.

6. Phil - "Every Breath You Take"
I hate to say it, but... Phil sounded kind of awesome tonight. This song really suited him. For the first time this season, I found myself willing to look past his habits of being a lousy husband and father, his bulging eyes, his misshapen and hairless head, and his apparent membership to the Stupid Hat of the Week Club, and admit that I maybe wouldn't mind listening to that again. Just as long as I wouldn't have to look at him.

7. Melinda - "Heaven Knows"
Can Melinda even wear necklaces? What would happen if she had lived in Elizabethan times, when they wore those big, stiff, frilly collars? Who decided that Gwen Stefani was enough of a musical authority to try to teach these people about singing? Such questions may never be answered. (Obviously Melinda was awesome, as usual, despite the fact that I have no idea in which part of her body her vocal chords could possibly be contained.)

8. Blake - "Love Song"
Dear Blake/The Cure,
I will always love you. I will always love... you.
Sincerely,
Katie

9. Jordin - "Hey Baby"
This song is kind of an unlikely choice to perform for a singing competition, since it basically only requires that the performer be able to dance and shout, but of course Jordin tricked me into believing that it was actually an acceptable vehicle to showcase her glorious vocal abilities. On a marginally related note, she looked adorable, as always.

10. Chris R. - "Don't Speak"
I love TimberFAKE, don't get me wrong, but, as I said before, I also really used to love No Doubt. I think the primary reason was the unassuming clarity and simplicity of Ms. Stefani's voice. TimberFAKE, apparently, is incapable of willing himself to not go off on a bunch of weird little baby runs on every note, which, while allowing him to "make the song his own," also kind of negates any reason I may have originally had for liking it. I guess what I'm saying is, why the hell didn't any of these clowns sing "If I Were a Rich Girl"? At least that wouldn't have marred the soundtrack to every memory I have of 5th grade.

Bottom Three Predictions: Chris S., Haley, Sanjaya (pfft)
Elimination Prediction: Haley

Well, America, I'm sad to report that the British Invasion is over, and just as Peter Noone and Lulu must sail back over the pond to their flats and lifts and loos, so must Stephanie Edwards make the long journey back to wherever it is that she's from. I'm not too worried about her, though. Something tells me she's a "Survivor."

What bothers me a little more than Stephanie leaving (which I'm fine with, and predicted) is the fact that my beloved TimberFAKE was the other half of the Bottom Two. Probably because he's not a great singer, but just look at the way his eyes sparkle! Sanjaya has nothing on him! Except maybe like a bushel and a peck of hair.

So there's your Top 10: the ever-huggable TimberFAKE, pocket-sized Melinda, LaKisha and her bling, Phil and his weird alien head, Gina and her anarchy t-shirt, Chris Sligh and his lisp, the unabashedly beautiful Jordin, Blake from the future, Butterface and her mile-long legs, and Sanjaya and his fancy hairdos. Odd how their most defining features are not their voices.

Light two lanterns, America, because the British are coming! Yes, that's right, this week is BRITISH INVASION Week, and you have no idea how badly I wish I could make those letters be gigantic and flash red and blue. I happen to really like '60s British pop music, and most everyone happened to be pretty good tonight, so it was one of those rare occasions when I actually really enjoyed this shitfest.

1. Haley - "Tell Him"
Tonight I think it became abundantly clear why I have dubbed this girl "Butterface." That child has some gorgeous gams. Her French braid was on the stupid side (It's BRITISH Invasion, you nitwit, not FRENCH In...braid...sion. Shut up), but she looked pretty amazingly adorable in her little hot pants and backless halter top. She also looked pretty amazingly adorable the way she was prancing around the stage, all happy and pretending she can sing well. Good job, Butterface. Keep showing off those mile-long legs of yours, and there may be hope for you yet.

2. Chris R. - "Don't Let the Sun See You Cryin'"
It made me laugh pretty hard when Peter Noone was talking about how stupid TimberFAKE's voice is. Hasn't he been paying attention to the wildly successful career of J.T.? Historical precedents and my illogical love for TimberFAKE notwithstanding, I wasn't as completely enamored of him tonight as I usually am. The judges all liked his little "sit on a stool and make it painfully obvious that my voice sounds like a dry squeegee on a windshield in the desert" shtick, but I think I appreciate him more when he's bouncing around and smiling at me. Also, I always assumed he was kind of short, but TimberFAKE looks like a giant next to little elfin Seacrest. I kind of really want to snuggle with him in a bean bag chair and watch Ten Things I Hate About You and rub his buzz cut. He reminds me of a teddy bear. A teddy bear who probably always remembers to get Dunkaroos when he goes to the grocery store.

3. Stephanie - "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me"
Lulu told Stephanie that she reminds her of Beyonce, and Stephanie did a pretty good job of acting like she'd never heard that before. Maybe she really hadn't, though, because tonight she cranked her Sound Like Beyonce dial up from "Cause Recognition" to "Unadulterated Copycat Overkill." The song was all boring, and I really wished I could just run up on stage and smack her and be like, "Wail on this song, you stupid-haircutted emulator!" I just felt like she could have done a very good job, but instead she decided to pretend to be Beyonce for four minutes, which I sort of understand, because Beyonce is pretty and I wish I reminded people of her, but at the same time... Play to your strengths, Stephanie, not to someone else's. Also, I wrote a little math equation while I was watching: boots + dress + jewelery = : ( She needs a new stylist.

4. Blake - "Time of the Season"
I am incredulous regarding the degree to which I find Blake sexy. I mean, the guy looks like Robin Williams in One-Hour Photo. He should be super creepy, but he is such a goddamn musical genius, and when he sang that "Who's your daddy?" line... I dunno. I kind of shivered and blacked out, and when I came to, the stage was still covered in Easter-egg-colored lights and Blake was still dancing all awesome, kind of like a mime who's trying to move so slowly that you can barely tell he's moving at all, but then you notice all of a sudden that he's twelve feet away from where he started and he's somehow holding a basket full of puppies, and they're yipping along to the beat. Also, Seacrest is a bad dancer. Also, Simon and Seacrest are so totally gay for each other and they're sooo not even trying to hide it any more, you guys.

5. LaKisha - "Diamonds Are Forever"
I mean, I like LaKisha. I think she's a good singer and all. But for serious, she gets more and more boring every week. This week she wasn't even trying. She was just all, "Look at my bling, sparkly sparkly sparkles," and I was like, "Zzzzzzzz." Kick it up a notch, lady! Just because you're better than mostly everyone else doesn't mean you get to slack off. God, black people are so lazy.

6. Phil - "Tobacco Road"
I always feel like Phil is yelling at me through his songs, like he's shouting, "LOOK AT ME! LIKE ME! I AM TALENTED!" and I'm just nervously inching away from my TV like, "No! Stop! Please don't yell anymore!" He's really aggressive, but it seemed like the band was overpowering his stupid little shouty voice tonight. Also, I don't know this song, but I really want to play it on Guitar Hero. That would totally rock. Oh, ALSO, I hope Phil gets shot in the face.

7. Jordin - "I Who Have Nothing"
Jordin and Lulu were adorable together in practice. Jordin is gigantic for a 17-year-old. I mean, I've been the same height since I was like 12, but I didn't start to look like a woman (I still don't, but at least I've started) until, like, last year. Anyway, speaking of becoming a woman, Jordin is the prettiest girl ever in the world, and she has excellent eyebrow control, and when she sings I get chills all over my whole body. What I'm trying to say is, I'm pretty sure Jordin gave me an orgasm with her voice. And I'm not kidding about that. Best. Four minutes. EVER.

8. Sanjaya - "You Really Got Me"
I think it needs to be said that before Sanjaya performed, Peter Noone was all, "This is not a singing competition. Sorry, Simon. It's a voting competition." And then Simon proceeded to froth with rage and look like a sourpuss pouty face for the rest of the night. Anyway, once Sanjaya got onto the stage, I could not help but erupt with laughter, because 1) he was wearing, like, a shirt with a hole in the sleeve for this thumbs to go through (?) under a blazer than looked like someone attached a printing press to a truck tire and then drove through white paint and across the front of his jacket and 2) there was a little girl in the audience who was just weeping the whole time. And, I mean, she was like 8 or 9, she wasn't young enough to actually be crying for no reason, and she wasn't just, like, happy crying, she was SOBBING. It was totally nuts. Also, Sanjaya just sucks. There's no way around it. He's completely awful, and I think that girl might have leukemia or something, and this is her Make a Wish Wish, or whatever, so imminent death is a pretty good reason for tears, but still. It appears that she was crying so hard because Sanjaya was just that bad at singing. (It wasn't even singing tonight. It was weird yelling awful bleh.)

9. Gina - "Paint It Black"
Gah, Gina is SUCH a motherfucking poser. I'm pretty much over her. I just... she sounds okay, and everything, but it just pisses me off that one day the judges were like, "Quit being you and be more ROCKER... that's who you really are." And she was just like "Shredded shirts and unnecessary head banging, here I come! Let me just make sure I have my superfluous chains on my pants... okay, check. Now I just hope I don't forget to point to the ceiling for no reason while I'm singing!"

10. Chris S. - "She's Not There"
I THINK this song is about a dead girl? Mr. Sligh seems less impressive to me every week that I realize he might actually be gaining weight. That's not healthy. It makes him all panty while he's running around the auditorium and singing. He sounded okay, as usual. His voice is pretty, but it was still kind of meh. Also, at the end he and Seacrest were all like "Fro Patro!" and the judges got all mad at Seacrest for promoting a single contestant, and they were like, "Ryan! We'll talk about this later!" and I was like, "OOOOH, Ryan got in trou-ble!"

11. Melinda - "As Long As He Needs Me"
Okay, so you guys know I think Melinda is the greatest thing to ever happen to the music industry or America. It's no secret that I want to carry her around in my bike basket and buy her ice cream and dress her in baby doll clothes.

That being said, when I was in 11th grade, my high school put on a production of Oliver! that was, if I do say so myself, pretty badass. And I was Nancy, the female lead who sings this song, no big deal, and I was totally in love in real life with the guy who played Bill Sykes, who is the guy Nancy's singing this song to in the show. And all I'm saying is, Melinda sounded really good, and she really sold the song, but I also sounded pretty good (for a 16-year-old white girl), and I actually really truly meant the words, because I actually was in love with the dude. So. Just saying. I obviously really miss high school.

Tomorrow we find out which singers will comprise the Top 10, as if that's somehow a lot more exciting than the Top 12 or 11.

I'm an authority on a lot of things: American Idol, staying up late, making clothing out of holiday decorations, even which color crayon to use for Native Americans since Crayola robbed us of Indian Red (answer: Chestnut). Every day people bombard me with upwards of 46 billion questions, and I always have an answer for every single one. I'm like an encyclopedia with the pages glued together and hollowed out and filled with jelly beans. Jelly beans made of knowledge. (Watch out, the brown taste like bullshit.)

I know you guys probably have questions, like, "What's the best way to get to Lakeside Mall from Uptown?" (S. Carrollton to I-10 W.) or "Who would win in a boxing match between Pope John Paul II and Mother Theresa?" (trick question, they're both dead). The problem is, I don't get to see most of you every day, so thousands upon thousands of silent questions stay imprisoned in your thoughts and never get answered. Luckily, the internet makes it pretty easy for us to communicate. Just email me a question -any question at all about anything ever in the entire world- at askkatieanything@gmail.com, and I'll answer it as honestly and accurately as I can.

Here's a little taste of the magic to whet your appetites:

Dear Katie,
What are you eating? It looks disgusting.
-Caitlin L. from the bedroom across the hall


Dear Caitlin,
It's sausage wrapped in a pancake on a stick, and it's probably the best food ever.
Love,
Katie (your roommate)


Email me, kiddos. I double-dog dare you.

We open with footage of last night's show, which prominently features Ryan and Simon's "You're gay!" "No, you are!" slap-and-giggle fest, and which paints basically everyone except Jordin and LaKisha as being essentially not great, with the obvious exception of Melinda, who is, of course, so awesome that she makes Paula cry tears of vicarious joy.

After that, we get to sit through all 12 contestants singing a mess of a tribute to The All Powerful Diana Ross, which was remarkable only because it made Butterface seem like the weakest singer ever. Poor Butterface.

Seacrest gets to eliminations surprisingly quickly, and before a commercial break rife with anxiety, we learn that Phil and B.Rog comprise 2/3 of the Bottom 3. After the break (during which aired a Ford commercial starring the Idolers singing a particularly boring cover of "Float On", which I just barely missed fast-forwarding all the way through), Diana Ross appears on stage in all her big-haired, red-feathered glory, and I fast-forwarded through that, too, because frankly Diana Ross doesn't impress me that much anymore. What is she, like 75 now? She's officially a senior citizen. It's not like she's too young to get Social Security. Why doesn't she just retire already?

Seacrest, who looks especially cute tonight in his little purple tie, asks her who she thinks is going home, which is kind of unfair considering the "I'm BFFs with everyone, especially children" image she's trying to pull off. She gets a look on her face like "Haha, I'm so happy that I look so good in this slinky red dress! I haven't been paying attention to you proletariats!" and manages to joke that she will be going home. Reality TV is not about diplomacy, Ms. Ross. Choose sides already.

It's down to Sanjaya and Butterface to fill out the Bottom 3, and I think that Haley's stoic reception of criticism last night, paired with Sanjaya's new stupid hairstyle, really saved her cute little ass. After very little fanfare, Seacrest reveals that Phil and his alien head are safe, and that Sanjaya, despite his utter, unadulterated sucktitude, will be around for at least another week. This obviously leaves the consistently mediocre B.Rog alone in the Loser Club, and the my DVR cut out towards the end of his Sadness Montage, so I have no idea how he really took the news or how his Get The Hell Out Of Here Performance went off. I'm just going to assume that it was boring and a little bit bad, as usual.

I wanted Sanjaya to go, but this is almost better, because neither of them really deserved to be on the show anymore, and at least Sanjaya is entertainingly crappy.

This week finds America's Greatest Singing Competition Ever of All Time in a snazzy new arena, complete with an 85,000-person audience, what appears to be a full symphony orchestra, and festive neon appointments. Seacrest reminds us that this Stage of Glamor and Forgotten Words will be Idol's home for the next three months, and it took all the restraint I could muster to keep me from pulling the trigger on the loaded double-barrel sawn-off shotgun I keep under my couch. Just think: in three months I'll be out of school, probably teaching black kids how to read, but I'll STILL be recapping this insatiable beast of a television show. Idol is my cross to bear. I'm so much like Jesus.

It's also Diana Ross Week, which means that we have to listen to her babble about each contestant, and blah blah blah I don't really care about her. I'm kind of like George Bush in that way.

1. Brandon Rogers - "Can't Hurry Love"
I'm not convinced that B.Rog is actually anything special. His dip-dyed shirt is stupid, every week I think he's less and less hot, and he's never sung well enough (especially for a professional singer) for me to forgive the fact that he's pretty much sucked every time he's performed on this show. He kicks the sucking up a notch tonight by forgetting some words while continuing to give me no reason to believe the judges when they insist that he's secretly very good. I'd say I think he should get kicked off, but then I remembered that Sanjaya is still here.

2. Melinda Dolittle - "Home"
Okay, so Melinda's performance was the second best thing to happen on this show tonight. She was awesome, as usual, and she was so moved by the audience's reaction that she started to cry, which made Paula cry, which almost made me cry except that my heart is made of charcoal, and it was really cute. The Best Thing, though, occurred before she started to sing, when Ryan was asking her some question from a fan, because whatever, they like to waste my time. What followed Ryan's query was so perfect that I must transcribe it:
(the question was along the lines of "What's the worst thing about your life right now?" or something to that effect.)
Melinda: I hate having to wear these heels and dresses. I prefer my tennis shoes and sweatpants.
Me: I hear ya, sister.
Ryan: Simon, any advice on the high heels?
Simon: You should know, Ryan.
Me: Oh snap!
Ryan: Stay out of my closet.
Me: Double snap! And double-entendre!
Ryan: This is about the Top 12, not your wishes.
Ryan and Simon are soooo totally gay for each other. Oh, and for the record, I actually do talk out loud to my TV. It's lonely in my world.

3. Chris Sligh - "Endless Love"
Chris did not wear glasses tonight. He also rearranged this song to be less upbeat, which the judges really hated, because, although they also hate copycat performances, they really hate it when people do stuff they don't expect, so. They're hypocrites. I actually didn't mind the arrangement. God knows I love Chris Sligh and his silky smooth magic voice, but it reminded me of Jamie Cullum's cover of "Everlasting Love," so I thought it was not super ridiculously great, but really pleasant.

4. Gina Glocksen - "Love Child"
Fact: Diana Ross kept telling Gina that this song has a lot of words and that she needs to "pronounciate" them. Conclusion: Diana Ross is stupid. I thought Gina did okay, but I really never listen to Diana Ross songs, so unlike the judges, I'm not comparing these performances to the original recordings. The judges thought it was bad, but as long as people are dyeing select portions of their hair red to match Gina's, I really don't think their opinion matters.

5. Sanjaya Malakar - "Ain't No Mountain High"
Sanja should go home this week.
Reasons:
1) He is using his hair as a crutch, and tonight it looked really stupid, despite Randy's praises, which don't count because Randy is bald.
2) Susan Sarandon gave a better performance of this song in The Stepmom, and she was dying of cancer.

6. Haley Scarnato - "Missing You"
Tonight I gained a lot of respect for Butterface. She wasn't doing that well on the song anyway, but then she forgot all the words, and it was sad, and she almost started to cry, but she managed to hold her shit together even though Randy and Paula were all like, "THIS IS THE WORST MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE. EVER." I felt really bad for her, but she's a trooper, even if she's not a very good singer anyway. Also the camera guy was taking like a million bagillion shots from below her knees. I think he was trying to see up her dress. Good thing she was wearing her belt close to the hem.

7. Phil Stacey - "I'm Gonna Make You Love Me"
No, he's not.

8. LaKisha Jones - "God Bless The Child"
LaKisha seems like she's probably a pretty boring person. Either boring or incredibly shy, but my money's on boring. However, she was really awesome on stage tonight. Her dress was gorgeous, her singing gave me happy chills, and each of her boobies is big enough to serve as a pillow for me, Streeter, and Jake Hurwitz at the same time. (Should the need ever arise.) (Fingers crossed.)

9.  Blake Lewis - "You Keep Me Hangin' On"
I really love Blake. I mean, independent of the fact that he's oddly charming and looks like the lovechild of Ben McKenzie and Robin Williams, I sincerely think he's a talented and innovative musician. The judges hated what he did tonight, because they fear change and the new millennium. They were all, "If you turned on the radio and you heard this, you'd immediately turn it off and pop in a Journey CD!" Granted, the audience for almost-but-not-quite-rave music might not be that large, but I really like when people throw electronic beats behind oldies, so they can just go suck a fuck.

10. Stephanie Edwards - "Love Hangover"
Stephanie apparently hopped on the B.Rog/Butterface train and forgot some words to her song, but I couldn't tell, because I don't know this song. She also apparently left out the best part of the song, "much to everyone's chagrin," but again, I had no idea. I was too busy hating her dress and musing over how much her face reminds me of Beyonce without really looking like Beyonce.

11. Chris Richardson - "The Boss"
TimberFAKE, true to his namesake, is not the best singer in the world by a long shot, but that kid can perform the shit out of a song. He sounded like he was incredibly nervous (or maybe he's just that bad at singing and I never noticed it before), but he still danced his adorable little buzzed cut self all around that stage, and I still want to have his babies. Also I was sad when I discovered that this song is not necessarily about Bruce Springsteen.

12. Jordin Sparks - "If We Hold On Together"
My notes for this song just say, "Jordin is so pretty! EEEEEE!!!!" In addition to the Prettiest Award, she wins the Singing A Song From Land Before Time That I'd Totally Forgotten About But Is Pretty And Makes Me Think Of That Time Ducky Almost Got Eaten By A T-Rex Award. Also she sounded awesome. Also I want to have her babies. Well, I want to steal her babies and raise them as my own.

Tomorrow night we find out who goes home! If it's not Sanjaya... I don't know what I'm going to do. Be incredulous, probably.

...don't waste your time, girls don't play basketball

Oh hey, how you doing, bud?  Ah, tight on money again. It’s really crazy how you have five grand from the summer, you're doing work-study, and you're still broke. Really says something about our economy. Honestly, I'm shocked that that kind of money wouldn't support an $800-a-week spending habit.

You're out of meal blocks by Wednesday, too?  One thing’s for sure – the fact that you have nine grilled chicken sandwiches on Mondays has nothing to do with it.  Who could blame you – they have a wicked amount of protein. Which reminds me – about that hundred bucks for your NITRO-TECH protein… I was thinking that perhaps you could buy the $40 generic protein. Well, I guess you’re right – your brand probably is 27 times more powerful than that generic slop -- I mean, look at the guy on the label. He's so buff! You certainly have a point when you say that you are saving $1,040 every time you buy it, and I can't argue that the “bitches go wild for it.” It's scientifically proven.

It's time to meet your Top 12, nation! Instead of writing about this episode, I've taken the liberty (because we're in America, where freedom rings) of graphically representing the results using my extra-good drunken Paint skillz. See if you can guess who everyone is! It's just like a really easy, not-that-fun game!

Yesterday I compared the boys to a freshman dorm, and, if I do say so myself, that was probably a really great analogy. Somehow it doesn't translate for the girls. I think it's because I have trouble distinguishing one from the other, or from the flowers in the wallpaper, for that matter. That's probably, realistically, how freshman girl dorms really are, except that instead of a bunch of 110-pound, burnt sienna, huge-sunglass-wearing moppets in shorts that say "juicy" on the butt, we have several black girls who can really blow and a few white girls who wish they were the black girls. Oh, and Gina. All these girls have secrets, and they are totally ready to dish.

(Side note: at the beginning of the show, which is live, of course, Ryan was all worried because he couldn't find Paula. After the credits, we find her in her usual seat, right next to Simon "My Shit is Open to My Navel to Reveal the Small Forest Growing On My Chest" Cowell, and Randy reveals that she had been "under the desk." Presumably giving Simon a beej. Which Ryan more or less clarifies for the audience, in case we didn't get it.)

1. Jordin Sparks - "Heartbreaker"
Jordin's secret is that she really likes football, and that for a while, she dreamed of playing in the NFL. She's certainly built for it. Well, the girl NFL, maybe. I think Jordin is the cutest girl on this show. She looks like America Ferrara, only prettier, and while I don't think she has the best voice ever, she's at least never painful to watch. That being said, her adorableness is basically the only thing that makes me remember who she is, so she's lucky that she's so cute.

2. Sabrina Sloane - "Don't Let Go"
I think Sabrina might be going home this week. Her secret is that she used to want to be a news anchor, and we get to watch some sweet 20th century footage of Lil' Sabrina on her high school news program, wearing a polo shirt that's way too big for her. The reason I think she might go home is that she's good singer, but for the most part, all the girls are trying to do the same "I have a big voice, and I'm going to shout a song at you and break your speakers with my throat tremors" thing, and I think America can really only handle so much of the same thing. At this point, she's like a blacker, slightly less talented Christina Aguielara, but with worse hair. Her dress was cute, though.

3. Antonella Barba - "Put Your Records On"
Antonella apparently plays violin, AND she gives lessons over the summer! Sign me up for that. I'm starting to feel kind of bad for Antonella. At this point, it's no longer painful for me to listen to her sing. Her utter inability to perform well is actually pretty amusing, and it's a nice break from the Ethnic Girl Scream Fest 2007 that consumes the rest of this competition. The reason I feel bad for her is that she actually seems to believe that she's a good singer. The song today was just a mess. I bet she'd sound really awesome singing, like, "Itsy Bitsy Spider," or at least "Hit Me Baby (One More Time)" or something else that is intended for preschoolers. If I were her, I'd stop pretending that I could hold a candle to the blinding light of Melinda and LaKisha's respective suns, and just get back to fondling myself in or around a national monument.

4. Haley Scarnato - "If My Heart Had Wings"
Poor, sorry, butterface Haley Scarnato. Her face looks especially stupid today, but as usual her body looks nice, because (here's the secret) she used to be a gymnast. I think this is a Faith Hill song, but I don't really listen to that kind of music, so I'm not sure. She reminds me of Marie Osmond. I'm reasonably confident that Haley is not actually my 45-year-old English teacher who was really into musical theater and had two kids, but they sure do act alike on stage. Her feelings get all hurt when Simon says he doesn't know her name, and then Paula's all, "It's Haley," and Simon's all, "But what's her SURNAME?!?!" and Paula's all, "You're mean, but I have no idea." This kid has no chance. If she gets into the Top 12, I will eat my hat. And maybe one of Phil's, too.

5. Stephanie Edwards - some Chaka Kahn song, the title of which I am too hungover to bother to discover
Stephanie's secret is that she used to be really shy. All these secrets are pretty lame, but at least they aren't about hair. Because I bet she could have busted out an awesome "my haircut didn't always used to be this stupid" nugget of information. Stephanie is really weird to me, because I recognize that she has a good voice and that she's a good performer, and there's nothing really wrong with her, but I don't enjoy watching her that much. The songs are always impressive, I guess, but not very fun to listen to. I mean, I liked her dress today, at least, but... I dunno. I think she should get a weave. And some songs with a hook.

6. LaKisha Jones - "I Have Nothing"
I know I professed my love for LaKisha last week. Obviously I still think she's great, but after I learned that she is afraid of ALL ANIMALS, even, presumably, baby ducks and sleepy kittens, I kind of lost a lot of respect for her. It's similar to the Blake/redneck fiasco. If American Idol could just bring itself to stick to the music and not make this about how much these people are "just like the rest of us" because they have weird quirky shit they like to do, I'd be much happier. Anyway, LaKisha is rocking what would be about 6 million dollars worth of diamonds, if her jewelery was real, but I'm guessing it's not. Her aunt and mom are also wearing a lot of bling, but they're wearing it with Lakisha Rules! t-shirts, so... black people just love bling. They don't care if it doesn't go with the rest of their outfit, apparently. Her aunt and mom are also kind of obnoxious, and my mom is really obnoxious in the same loud cheering kind of way, so I feel for her. But LaKisha, just because I can relate to your problems at home, doesn't mean I think you should keep trying to single-handedly revive the Bodyguard soundtrack. 

7. Gina Glocksen - "Call Me When You're Sober"
There is a brief pillow fight between Seacrest and the girls before Gina takes the stage in her rock n' roll costume and tries to convince us that that's who she "really is." I'm not buying it. Her secret was that she has a lot of lucky charms that she carries around everywhere, though it probably should have been that she's a big giant fake Hot Topic enthusiast. She did a pretty good job with the song. As much shit as I want to give her for wearing a costume and pretending to be all wild n' crazy or whatever, hers was probably the most entertaining performance of the night. Which might just be because I can grasp angsty "rock" marketed towards teens, but I may never understand amelodic black woman music.

8. Melinda Dolittle - "I'm a Woman"
Melinda Dolittle is OCD. That's her secret. My secret is that I want to carry her around in my pocket because I love her so very very much. She's truly awesome. She managed to sing a song from a musical and not have them be all, "Nice lame-ass musical song, r. tard!" Truly, she is my starlight and moonbeams, and everything she touches turns to gold. Melinda Dolittle's tears cure cancer and get rid of wrinkles. If she ever has a child, it will be the second coming of Christ, and the entire world will perform Godspell until the Christ child and Melinda ascend straight to heaven on a throne made of subwoofers and adorable, floral-patterned dresses.

Eliminations tonight! My predictions: Sanjaya, Jared, Haley, and Sabrina.

(The scene is the oval office. Into the room walks President Bush’s plucky 18 year old nephew Billy)

Billy- Uncle George, can I ask you something?

W-Sure Bill, I’m not even busy at all. With anything.

Billy– Thanks. You see, I’ve been dating this girl for a while, and I don’t think it’s working out.

W– Hmm, why do you say that?

Billy– Well, when I started dating her, I thought she would… I thought she would sleep with me. But it turns out I was wrong. Well, I guess I thought there was a chance she might sleep with me. In retrospect there was a lot of evidence to the contrary that I overlooked.

W- What?

Billy- I should have realized that she wouldn’t do it.

W- Oh.

Billy- Even worse, since I’ve been dating her, these other girls have popped up who I know would sleep with me. Some of these girl’s whole lives revolve around the possibility of them sleeping with me. I’ve heard that some of them are planning on doing it right now. But I can’t go after them because I’m stuck with this one.

W- Hmm. So you can’t go after those other girls because you’re so busy with this one, but they’re the ones who you really should have gone after in the first place.

Billy- Yeah, and on top of that, dating her is getting really expensive. I’m practically broke now. And I have way more important things to spend my money on… way more important.

W- Hmmm, so what you’re saying is that you are in this huge mess right now because you started dating the wrong girl based on faulty information, and now there are lots of other girls out there that you can and should pursue, for your own good, but you’re unable to due to the fact that you’re stuck in a hellish and senseless relationship with one that you have no business being with in the first place? And the longer you stay in the relationship the worse you make everything?

Billy- That pretty much sums it up Uncle George. What would you do if you were in my shoes in almost this exact situation, or one that served as a sort of thinly veiled metaphor for it?

W- I’d break up with her. Definitely

Billy- Thanks Uncle George, you’re not an embarrassment at all.

(Billy walks out of the oval office. From an intercom that sits at the President’s desk comes a woman’s voice)

Intercom- President Bush, today’s US soldier death figures just came in. It looks like a bunch more people are dead.

W- That’s fine Gladys. That’s just fine.

(President Bush picks up a newspaper to look at the comics when, suddenly, a switch turns in his head. His eyes narrow, then widen, and for a brief moment, the stars allign, and the mysteries of the universe reveal themselves to him in an illuminous flash. He has an epifany, and he now knows what he must do)

W- My God, it's all so clear...Gladys

Intercom- Yes Mr. president.

W- I'd like a cherry coke

So this is the last week of gender-specific performances (and, by extension, eliminations), which is really too bad for the boys, because they kind of sucked tonight. This episode was also sort of weird, because... Okay, you know the first week of freshman year, when you've moved into the dorms and you have your first floor meeting with your RA, and he makes all the guys go around and say something interesting about themselves that "you might not know about just from looking at me" as an ice breaker? That bullshit? And each guy has a distinct physical appearance and style of dress by which you judge him, and then you judge him even more harshly after he admits that, "Um... something weird about me... well, sometimes, if I'm up early enough, I guess I like to watch The Ellen Degeneres Show"? That's what tonight was like, with Seacrest as the tiny, paradoxically simultaneously homophobic and extremely gay RA to these 8 musical misfits.

1. Blake Lewis - "All Mixed Up"

Tonight Blake is that kid who wears plaid pants and really likes 311, so it's pretty safe to assume that he also likes pot, Airwalks, and 1995. His secret is that he really enjoys improv comedy and character acting, and then we get a glimpse into The Side of Blake Lewis That I Never, Ever, Ever in a Million Years Wanted to See, which is him pretending to be some redneck named Jethro or Tull or something else that only a person who has never met a real redneck because he's lived in Seattle his whole life would come up with. Aside from my delusions of Blake's perfection being crushed by that bit of knowledge, the performance wasn't all that awesome. He rocked about as hard as one possibly can on a 311 song, and there was beat boxing, which is always good, and I sort of appreciated that he bleeped out "ass" with something that sounded like "wikkity snizzle record scratch," but I've seen better. Strangely, neither Randy nor Paula had ever heard of 311, which prompted Blake to be all, "311 is the best band EVA!!!" which prompted me to be all, "Blake, why don't you just have a seat and drink some whiskey & wine until you can find it in your heart to stop killing me a shot at a ti-ee-ime?"

2. Sanjaya Malakar - "Waiting On the World to Change"
Sanjaya is (probably in real life as well as in my imagination) that kid whose parents are foreign, so they've always pushed him to do really well in school, and he has an older sister whom he really admires, so he finds himself in college at the tender age of 17 with a girl's perspective on what makes a person cool. Because his voice probably hasn't changed yet, and because his short list of How to Fit In Among Older Kids includes only: "1. Sing a John Mayer song," he struggles to find common ground with the rest of the guys. Sadly for our young Indian friend, I can predict without hesitation that he will not find it by admitting that he knows how to hula because he took lessons for four years in Hawaii, nor will he win their respect by having silky smooth girl hair. Furthermore, even his fool-proof Plan to Win Friends and Influence People falls short, because apparently (who would have guessed?!) without an acoustic guitar with which to accompany oneself, performing a John Mayer song is really boring. I'm not sure what he was thinking when he came up with this one. You have to have an acoustic guitar if you want to impress the ladies. Everyone knows that.

3. Sundance Head - "Jeremy"
Sundance is that kid on your floor who isn't even a kid, but rather a 35-year-old who has decided not only to return to higher education after a brief (15-year) hiatus during which he worked at a used car dealership as a night guard, but also to completely revive his former college experience by bunking down with some "young people." He attempts to impress them by 1) openly acknowledging the fact that he is a fat tub of oozing, yellow Creepy Crawler Plasti-Goop, 2) growing a stupid chin beard and sporting a fauxhawk, and 3) trying to be ironic by blatantly lying about being fat, insisting instead that it is a "fat suit" and that underneath, he is really thin and handsome. This ruse is about as successful on TV as it would be in person, with the same sinking feeling we all experience when we realize that we're going to have to tolerate this overcooked Virginia ham for the rest of the semester. Like all the other hip and with-it young bucks of 1991, Sundance impresses his audience, for better or worse, by screaming the lyrics to a Pearl Jam song while contorting his face as if a pack of miniature wolverines was trapped in his colon and trying to claw their way out through his generous buttocks. In case none of those things work, he is also wearing eyeliner.

4. Chris Richardson - "Tonight I Wanna Cry"
TimberFAKE looks, and essentially is, that guy who makes all the other guys feel uncomfortable because he reminds them of JT, and he knows he reminds them of JT, and he's happy that he reminds them of JT. He's a little intimidating because they know girls are magnetically attracted to him, sometimes against their own will; for this, they will relentlessly insist that he enjoys having sex with other men. In the spirit of opening himself up to his floormates and proving that - despite the fact that he has been genetically engineered to attract females like flies to honey - he doesn't think he's any better than anyone else, he reveals that he used to be forty pounds heavier, and that he plays football. Then, just to really hammer home his vulnerability and inescapable appeal, he sings a country song about wanting to cry, but he manages to avoid sounding country enough to offend anyone, while still sounding country enough to attract fans of the genre. He is a sensitive teddy bear encased in the hybrid shell of a good ol' boy and a pop icon, and I desperately, desperately want to possess him sexually.

5. Jared Cotter - "If You Really Love Me"
Mr. Cotter is that black kid who, either because he was raised Baptist or because he suddenly decided that it would be really cool to be white, wears argyle sweaters independently of doing a Bill Cosby impression. It speaks to his apparent ignorance of stereotypes that his "secret" is the one detail about him that everyone immediately assumes because he is tall and African American: that he plays basketball. After allowing sufficient time for the shock to subside, he explains that he realized that he would never made it in the NBA, so he decided it would be best to pursue his safety career - being a pop star. He probably will not achieve that goal by continuing to ignore pitch, tone, and pleasing facial expressions in favor of straining his voice while yelling at me through my TV, but now that my world has been turned upside-down by the knowledge that a black man plays basketball, I really don't  know what to expect anymore.

6. Brandon Rogers - "Celebration" or "I Just Want to Celebrate" I dunno
In at what first seems to be a sharp contrast to Jared, Brandon Rogers brings the "black guy who looks like the lovechild of Denzel Washington and Lenny Kravitz, who is also awesome at singing" to the party. His secret, which is that he enjoys playing classical piano, is cheapened and made ridiculous by footage of him playing classical music on an electric keyboard with the tone set to "grand piano." Further, the performance of whatever the hell song this is, despite its insistence upon celebrating, it lackluster. Jock Jams, it was not, but then again, B.Rog isn't the black guy who also plays basketball, so perhaps he shouldn't be expected to know how to rile a crowd through the majesty of song.

7. Phil Stacey - "I Need You"
I figured Phil Stacey's secret, as the resident Kid Who Looks Like An Alien and Is Probably Either Suffering From Leukemia or Is Supporting His Little Brother Who is Suffering From Leukemia By Also Shaving His Head, would be that he's a douchebag who missed the birth of his child to audition for a televised singing competition/explotiationfest. Anti-climatically, it is that he has not been bald his whole life. I am... speechless. Wait, there's more to this story: he used to have LONG HAIR, but SHAVED IT OFF because he looks STUPID WITH SHORT HAIR. He looks stupid bald, too. I think it's just his face. He is also that kid on your floor who always wears a hat, but not a normal hat, like a baseball cap or a knit cap, or even one of those bastardizations of the two like Danny from the Real World: Austin always used to wear, but an old-person hat. Too add aural insult to visual injury, he sounds like a 62-year-old drag queen channeling Cher's future ghost for the first half of the song. Even after he finally remembers that he's a dude, he resorts to yelling instead of singing, and it makes me bleed from every facial orifice. Except mouth.

8. Chris Sligh - "Wanna Be Loved"
Chris Sligh surprised me tonight. Apparently he's that kid who is smart, and has a smart sense of humor, and is also fat and has ridiculous hair, so you figure he's probably good for 1) knowing all kinds of Simpsons trivia and 2) eating anything if you bet him $5 that he won't. His secret was not very shocking, just that his hair didn't always used to be as long as it is, (which, guy, ps? Secrets about hair aren't real secrets, unless your hair is a wig or your pubic hair is dyed rainbow colors and braided into cornrows). Even more shocking than the sparkly angel breeze from heaven that issues from his vocal chords, is the detail that he has chosen to perform a song by DC Talk. Which means that he's in love with Jesus. Which means that the only person on this show with whom I can really, in good faith and with positive prospects, desire to raise a family, is TimberFAKE.

WHY, CHRIS SLIGH AND BLAKE?!?! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LOVE 311 and DC TALK?!?!?! I GUESS 311 IS PROBABLY OKAY AS LONG AS YOU DON'T THINK THEY'RE THE BE ALL AND END ALL OF MUSIC, BUT SERIOUSLY, CHRIS?!?!?! DC TALK?!?!?! ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?!?!?!

He's probably not. He might even wish that I had minded my language, because God was listening, and he doesn't like swear words. If tomorrow is anything like this... Meh. It doesn't really matter. I get to hear Antonella's secret, and that gift will be like a thousand Christmases all wrapped up in a velvet stocking bedazzled with Swarovski crystals.

My friends, I am writing today to describe my quiet struggle.  For much of my life I have been discriminated against, not for my race or gender, but something far less obvious.  It is the first letter of my last name.  people often ask, "What's the big deal?" when I let them in on my little crusade against alphabetical discrimination.  I'll tell you what the big deal is.

The big deal is that I've had to sit in the back of almost every classroom throughout my education.  The big deal is that I have to sit through functions like graduation while everyone else walks on by, then I get the bullshit "Hurry-up-Denny's-is-calling-my-name" applause.  The big deal is that I have to stand in the back of the line, which is basically a way of saying everyone better than you because they inherited a better letter from their parents.  Well I, for one, will not stand for this any longer.

It is time for those of us (last names W-Z, mostly) who are scorned for our phonetic shame to stand up and say in one voice "We are not afraid anymore."  No longer will we blend into the background while the Aarons and Abingtons hog the spotlight.  We will stand up and break the chains of alphabetist oppression. 

And don't pander to us with your pathetic "reverse alphabetical order", we know what you really mean.  Next time, try basing who gets a diploma first on merit, not on your filthy letters. 

We deserve a chance to shine through our lot in the alphabet game, to go beyond the limits imposed upon us by cruel fate.  So next time, before you alphabetize, I hope you think of me, and do what's right for equality.

Thank you.

So I'm alone in my 12-degree apartment, which is dark save the bluish light emanating from my 32" TV (which I got for free, no big deal). My roommate has left for spring break, my ex-boyfriend is texting me from New Orleans about how totally badass the JT concert is (and about how he'll never love me again, no matter how many Omaha Steaks I have shipped to his house), I'm all out of scotch, and now, to top it all off, I have to sit through an hour of American Idol Manufactured Bullshit. But lo! Both life and American Idol were chock full of surprises this evening, and, as it turned out, I was hardly the only person in the room (if we're counting the people on TV as being in the room, which I obviously am, because I am a sad, lonely spinster woman) crying. Also I wasn't really crying. I was smiling. Because somehow, 32 million people have conspired to make a mockery of American Idol. But I'll get to that later, right after I finish starting all my sentences with conjunctions.

Our 20 favorite songsters started the hour off wrong with a resplendent rendition of "Joy to the World." Last week they started off with a Tears for Fears song, and everybody ended up crying this week, so I can only assume that  next week there will either be a flood of clear water or a church revival, or both. It was, as anticipated, unremarkable except that A.J. sang the lyric "You know I love the ladies," which is uproariously ironic because he is easily the gayest guy in that 20-person high school show choir. And then Antonella sucked at singing, and I was counting the minutes until I never had to deal with her pretty, "family landscaping business" ass again. 

Nick Pedro is going home, which is fine. He sings "Fever" one more time, and I'm sure his elimination was due to the fact that he's neither young, nor bald, nor unibrowed, nor fat, nor sweaty enough to be memorable. If you'll recall, he left Hollywood last year because he couldn't bring himself to remember the words to "Build Me Up Buttercup," and tonight he apparently has the same problem with The Last Fucking Song He Will Ever Sing On National Television. Get a hold of yourself, you sexy-voiced amnesiac.

Seacrest takes a moment to promote the Idol Challenge, and just to prove that it's not all a big giant lie of a fake contest, he points out last week's winner, one Sean Jones of Wisconsin, who is in the audience. Sean Jones is fat, old, gray-haired, wears glasses, and has bad teeth, and should either be euthanized or given an Extreme Makeover. Or merely not visually broadcast to the entire nation.

In what I assumed would be a break from the Sobfest, Kelly Pickler performed some stupid country song she co-wrote. Judging from her appearance and the banter she and Seacrest exchanged before she sang, I'm assuming that she was appearing on Idol tonight as Reese Witherspoon playing June Carter in Walk the Line, who is dressed up as Xtina-during-her-Marilyn-Monroe-phase for Halloween, who is in turn dressed as Kimber from Nip/Tuck. By the end of her song, Ms. Pickler was almost in tears, which surprised me more than it probably should have, although I still don't understand why she was crying. Ah yes, I forgot: The Curse of Tears for Fears.

When eliminations came down to two boys, A.J. the Gay and Sanjaya the Long-Haired Hippie Person were left trembling on the brink of disappointment. I was sure, as I'm sure were the judges and everyone else in the room, that Sanjaya was out of there. However, it was A.J. and his diminutive height who were sent a-packin', and no one was pleased. Even Sanjaya looked like he felt kind of bad about it, but that little Indian garners a whole shit ton of teen votes, and the judges made remarks about how people should vote for the singing and not because someone is close to your same age. Then A.J. sang his farewell of "Feelin' Good," and he sang it awesomely, as if to prove to America that he is way, way, WAY more appropriate for this competition than Sanjaya and his Michael-Jackson-circa-1984 costume choices. To be fair, I've never liked A.J., but that's just because I'm prejudiced against gays and short people. Oh, also, of course, all the girls and Sundance were crying as he said his good-byes.

We get to the girls' elimination, and Gina already has her stupid-"rocker"-haircut-covered head in her hands, weeping, for she knows that one of her new BFFs must depart for anonymity. Seacrest calls Antonella, Leslie, and Jordin up to the stage, and it's obvious that Jordin's not going home, because she's the shiznit, but still Gina must weep prematurely. Seacrest recounts for all 32 million of us the judges' negative comments about Antonella's awful performance last night, and immediately afterwards pronounces her safe. Antonella gloats.

I scream, "NO FUCKIN' WAY!" into the cavernous loneliness of my empty apartment. The audience reacts similarly. Gina's tear production quadruples. Obviously, because Jordin is the cutest and most wonderful person of all time, Leslie has to go. I found her to be simultaneously boring and visually offensive, so I'm happy about this, but in all fairness, Antonella is the worst singer of all time, so I feel bad for her. Coincidentally, she also sang "Feelin' Good" this week, so she gets to sing that and be all, "Check this shit, America! I can actually sing! Like, songs, and stuff! All Antonella can do is look pretty!" and America's all, "Yeah, Ginger. We know."

This episode had more twists than The Sixth Sense and The Shawshank Redemption combined... which equals one and a half, and this episode had two, so my math is correct. The judges seemed all pissed because America is playing a giant prank on the show by keeping Sanjaya and Antonella around, and I am happy because now I have so much more hating to do. Buenos noches, bitches.

Sorry this is more like The Evening After. It's midterms time. And I'm lazy.

I'll just get right to it. It's still Dedications Week, so. That's great.

1. Gina Glocksen - dedicated to her boyfriend, Joe - "Alone"
Me: Her dress is too tight on her shoulders. This song suits her personality. It was meh, but it suited her. She looks pretty... -er than usual.
Randy: This song was a song choice for you. I think that's where you really belong.
Paula: Excellent job, really good.
Simon: I thought your vocals felt very forced at the end. I'm still kind of confused as to who you are, though. I thought, to be honest, when we put you through, that you were a little bit more edgy than this.

2. Alaina Alexander - dedicated to her mom - "Not Ready to Make Nice"
Me: Oh good, her mom is crying, too. Geez, Alaina, quit breathing so loud. Ew, bad note at the end of the chorus. Her dress is adorable. I hope she NEVER has to go to college. She's pitchy as hell, though.
Randy: It started off good, the first coupla bars were good. When you went up for the chorus, the tuning and the pitch just went away. It was a mess for me. It was all over the place.
Paula: It's a hard song to sing. The pitch was a little bit off.
Simon: Let me put this in plain English: It was like Randy taking part in a 100-meter sprint. Three-fourths of the way through the race, he would run out of steam, and that's what happened.

3. LaKisha Jones - dedicated to Grandma Ruth - "Midnight Train to Georgia"
Me: Holy hell. Grandma Ruth is 90 but she looks about 55. Wow. Okay, I hate her eyeshadow, but her voice is divine. I want her to sing me to sleep every night. I hope when I die and go to heaven, the heavenly choir is comprised entirely of LaKisha Jones angels singing gospel lullabyes. I want to steal her voice and keep it in a seashell around my neck.
Randy: That was- man, forget the nerves. You got that big ol' voice, man. That was hot!
Paula: You gotta remember, you're *black person face* LaKISHA! WOO-WOO! *end black person face* I love it. And I love you.
Simon: You have a phenomenally good voice. I think, at this stage, you can afford to predict that you're gonna be a big star, and you've gotta start acting like a big star now.

4. Melina Dolittle - dedicated to her "gay-ulls" - "My Funny Valentine"
Me: Oh. My. God. She deserves to win. Her voice sounds like velvety smooth cello honey butter. God, she is amazing. This is easily the best version of this song I've ever heard.
Randy: Melinda Dolittle came out here tonight to win it! That was unbelievable. Yo, that was hot, man. Wow.
Paula: You phrased that song so brilliantly, so differently, so out of this world... I applaud you.
Simon: That was incredible. What I like about you -because we've had some precocious little monsters on this show with very little talent and enormous egos- and you have this fantastic talent, great voice, and you don't know how good you are, and I don't think you'd change if you did well. You're a breath of fresh air, and it was a fantastic performance.

5. Antonella Barba - dedicated to her brother, Vincenzo - "Because You Loved Me"
Me: She would have a brother named Vincenzo. Then again, my brother's name is Vinnie, too, so maybe I should shut up. Maybe Antonella should shut up, too. She is the worst singer ever. Ever. Oh God, her mom (maybe?) is mouthing the words along with her. This arrangement is really fast to compensate for Antonella's inability to sustain notes. But you can still tell she sucks. I wish she would unwittingly cross the bridge that Sundance guards, and I wish that he would demand a toll of, like, a quart of Rita's Italian Ice, and Antonella wouldn't have it because it's winter and Rita's is closed, and then I wish that Sundance would cook her for dinner in his troll stew because she couldn't pay. I do love her shoes, though.
Randy: On the positive side, you're a drop-dead gorgeous girl. That song was the wrong choice. Way too big for you, pitch was all over the place. I wish I could sing like Celine, too, but I can't.
Paula: Less than 1% of the population can sing like Celine. Having said that, Antonella, I think you made leaps and bounds from last week.
Simon: I thought you were worse than last week.
Antonella: I'm gonna listen to Paula's criticism, cause Simon was wrong about Jennifer Hudson.
Audience: OOOOOHHHH.
Me: Antonella, you will not be winning any awards for anything except perhaps looking really good in a retro-print minidress.

6. Jordin Sparks - dedicated to her brother PJ - "Reflections"
Me: She's not that great on this song. I know she's young, but Christina Aguielara was only 19 when she recorded it, and she sounds a lot less breathy. Of course, she also wasn't crying at the time. Jordin has great control over her voice, though, even through the sobbing.
Randy: 17 years old, where you are today, is just unbelievable as a record producer. I am just so, so impressed with where you are and the ability you have, so, it wasn't the best you've done, but it was still really good.
Paula: There's something about you that's infectious. You just know that you're a good human being. You are a brilliant, talented girl.
Simon: It wasn't your best, but compared to a lot of other people, it was excellent. I think your dedications are probably getting to you, but you did very well.

7. Stephanie Edwards - dedicated to her mom and dad - "Dangerously in Love"
Me: I like: her voice. I hate: her dress, her hair with her dress, this song, her earrings.
Randy: You proved that you should be up here. You did SO much better than last week, and you did well last week. But check this out: it's a little "Beyonce Lite."
Paula: I think you were fantastic, brilliant, and so many people are in love with Beyonce. I think so many people are going to be in love with Stephanie Edwards.
Simon: I have to agree with Paula. Because you're not just taking part in this competition, you're coming out here, putting your mark down. I thought it was a terrific performance, Steph.

8. Leslie Hunt - dedicated to her dead grandpa, Bob - "I'm Feelin' Good"
Me: I hate to say this, but A.J. did it way better. This weird-faced overgrown Cabbage Patch Doll is outta here. Stop scatting, you horrible, pumpkin-haired, giant child.
Randy: I don't know, it was just alright for me. I'm happy to see her turn back to her jazz thing, though.
Paula: I love that you're being you.
Simon: Paula liked it because that bit at the end sounded like Paula judging the show: "blee doo blop blah de bloop." The problem is, Les, that you've just been whacked by three or four BIG voices before you, so I think you're getting lost in this competition.

9. Haley Scarnato - dedicated to her fiancee, Bobby - "Queen of the Night"
Me: She is SUCH a butterface! This song is lame. It's all "I'm so fun and naughty" but really she's probably neither. She would look awesome if she were beheaded.
Randy: It wasn't great for me. Vocally it just wasn't on point.
Paula: I wanna say, leaps and bounds better than last week, and we get to see your personality a lot better.
Simon: I think it was A for effort. It was a little manic, verging on insane, at one point, and I think you are one of two or three very vulnerable girls tonight.

10. Sabrina Sloane - dedicated to her grandmother (who wears giant hats) - "All the Man That I Need"
Me: Her hair looks a lot better tonight. Her voice has a nice tone, but I think last week was better. It was less screamy.
Randy: Very nice, overall.
Paula: I just love you, you are fantastic, you are a big contender in the competition.
Simon: Very good. Don't confuse power with shouting, though. I preferred you last week. I thought you were better, younger, more refreshing. But you'll be back next week.
Me: Simon and I always agree.

In like two hours: Eliminations!