You know that scene in The Princess Bride when Buttercup is dreaming that she's married to Humperdink, and she's dressed all pretty and walking out of the castle into the crowd, and everyone is cheering except for that one old hag who's going, "Bow to her, Princess of Garbage! BOOOOO! BOOOO! BOOOOOO!" and the camera zooms in on her face, mangled with age, and it makes you shudder? Well, that old lady was me at my TV last night, specifically during the last five minutes of this show, but really also the whole time. It sucked.

I'm basically so disgusted by it that I don't want to talk about most of it, but the important thing is that at the end, Jordin and Chris were left waiting to see who would go home. And everyone is dressed in these bright white suits, like Morgan Freeman as "God" in Bruce Almighty or a lesbian at her commitment ceremony or something. And I'm pissed off, not just because I like both of them, but because really, how could Jordin possibly be in the bottom two? That's bullshit right there. Anyway, Seacrest tells them that they're both safe, because why would they send someone home during a show about charity and being good people? Geez, I dunno, because that's what happens on this program? Maybe? Everyone is happy forever until he announces that two people will get the ax next week, and then they're just happy for a little while.

Oh, American Idol, what trickery will you dream up next? On the plus side, they resurrected Elvis to perform tonight, which means that this has been the single most important musical event in the past, like, 45 years. Good for them.

This week is apparently Footage of Simon and Ryan Choosing Which Foreign Baby to Adopt to Raise as Their Own Week. Really it's some stupid special Idol Gives Back bullshit, which I am clearly really happy about. I don't care about donating money, I really, really don't. I just want to get on with the singing. Isn't that what we're all here for? Right? Please?

Oh yeah, and Bono was apparently their mentor, and PRAISE JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD AND SAVIOR that I didn't have to deal with him. After all these GAP ads and the AIDS iPod and a really unfortunate incident I had at the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame in 2003, I'm really pretty sick of Bono. I probably would have broken my TV with a shoe heel if I'd had to endure him talking about how Phil Stacey's singing is going to put food in children's bellies.

1. Chris - "Change the World"
I wouldn't call myself an Eric Clapton fan, per se, but I do think it's pretty cool that he's from England or Ireland or wherever (no need to look it up, I'm sure I'm close with the geography), and he still stole the shit out of the delta blues and made, like, "Crossroads," and "Sunshine of Your Love," and whatever. He's a good musician. As soon as TimberFAKE started singing this, I realized that his voice isn't nearly sexy enough, and I couldn't help but hate the performance. With a sexy voice (and not that Eric Clapton has a sexy voice, really, but it's a lot smokier than Chris "Penny Whistle" Richardson's. Oh well. The judges ate it up, but I think that TimberFAKE doesn't have a lot of time left in this competition. Then again, no one does, really.

2. Melinda - "There Will Come a Day"
Finally, something that sounds a little gospel-y. I realize this is a ... Faith Hill? song (some country woman), but Melinda was able to make it sufficiently black sounding so that Simon didn't have to get all up in her bid'nass about how black girls shouldn't belt out country songs because they don't know how to lasso or whatever. I forget what his actual problem with it is. Probably not good for marketing. Anyway, Melinda is still rockin awesome, in case you were worried.

3. Blake - "Imagine"
Blake looked really cute tonight. I think it was the combination of new hairstyle and "I know this is going to suck just because it's 'Imagine' and everyone can sing this song and everyone does and it's never as good as the original, especially not in the eyes of these judges." I'd go as far as to say that tonight was perhaps Blake's best vocal performance ever, in so much as that this was just a straight vocal, and he didn't fuck it up at all, really. However, he's been getting a little boring lately. What's the good of naming a song "Imagine" if you don't get to imagine new ways of producing it? Nothing. No good at all. Anyway, what I was thinking while I was watching this was, "Blake really should have sung 'The Rainbow Connection.' That would have been awesome." And, really, would it not have been?

4. LaKisha - "I Believe"
Poor poor LaKisha sucked sooooo much this week. I mean, she looks bored all the time, like she's struggling to force her mouth to form the words because she's just so tired and apathetic and whatever. She messed up some notes, it wasn't that great, fine. The worst part was that the judges, for the most part, ignored what was actually wrong with her performance and played the old "It's not you, necessarily, you're fine, you're just not ____(insert name of big screamy famous female singer here)____" card. Lame. She's probably going home this week.

5. Phil - "The Change"
Obviously Phil had to mention the Oklahoma City Bombing when he was talking about this song. Okay, when did that happen? 1995? A DOZEN years ago? What next, Mr. Stacey? Trail of Tears? I guess Phil ran out of recent tragedies to exploit to get sympathy or empathy votes. That's probably fine, though, because he's been sounding better lately. And by "better," I mean, like, it seems like he found a fresh batch of hosts to suck the blood out of so he can continue on his quest for immortality and eternal youth. Dude looks like a vampire. A vampire with advanced HIV disease.

6. Jordin - "You'll Never Walk Alone"
It was pretty good, I guess.

I think tomorrow night is some bullshit mega concert benefit show, and it's going to last two whole hours (minus 37 minutes of commercials). I think... Keira Knightly is going to show up? Maybe Kelly Clarkston? Maybe Gwen Stefani will make a triumphant return. I seriously haven't been paying attention to this aspect of the show. It will be quite the surprise for me.

I've spent a long time thinking about what I would say when this day finally came. Weeks ago, I would have been righteous and jeering, screaming, "TAKE THAT, YOU CREEPILY-GRINNING LITTLE BOBBLE HEAD!" At first, weeks and weeks ago, when there were still multiple dozens of these songbirds crowding my week with their "music," I would have been pensive, wondering, "What might he have accomplished, had he not been cut off in the blossoming youth of his musical career?" Now, as I amble through the shattered dreams of the likes of Gina and Stephanie, hands in my pockets and kicking absently at the debris of forgotten lyrics and sour notes that litter the stages in America's collective memory, I pause as something glittering and triumphant catches my eye in this graveyard of broken dreams and fleeting personalities: ahead, in the center of this haunted battlefield, emerges the brilliantly illuminated, towering mausoleum of Sanjaya's idolatry. It is massive and defiant and hairstyled differently from week to week. At is base burns an eternal flame fueled by Simon's hatred and the admiration of hundreds of thousands of teenage girls. The priests who attend this shrine wear the cloaks of unapologetic anarchy. They are revolutionaries; they have arrived in hordes to practice their democratic right in this last bastion of American voting over which they can still exercise some power: the reality television contest. Sanjaya has been their false James Dean, their rebel pawn, their metaphorical cigarettes and mohawks and rock n' roll music and beat poetry. An army of sexually frustrated Catholic school girls guards the entrance to his temple. War protesters with their guitars, PETA members with their red paint,  and those motherfucking wet blankets from truth.com with their self-important orange signs form a picket line guarding this solitary, miraculous entity from the licentious eyes of would-be assassins. Not since 9/11 has this country banded together so unanimously on a single issue: Sanjaya sucked. And millions of people very week made damn sure that no one forgot.

(I'll probably post a video later, but I didn't want to rush it. I need time to work on this. It's going to be the Citizen Kane of American Idol farewell videos.)

The lucky se7en get down with their bad selves this week in a country tribute hosted by Martina McBride. Obviously hardly anyone likes country, especially Simon, so this should be fun.

1. Phil - "Where the Blacktop Ends"
Phil claims to like country, and to be from Kansas (I think that's what he said), and to be really comfortable in this genre. Those are all fine claims to make, and they may well be true. It's hard for me to tell in which genre Phil feels most comfortable, because I can literally hear Phil dying while he sings. I am absolutely certain that he suffers from a terminal illness. He's probably on dialysis every second that he's not on that stage. And I'm not just saying this because he's bald. Listen to his voice. What's that? You can't hear it? It's too quiet? That's what happens when your body is struggling to fight against THE LAST STAGES OF SYPHILIS!

2. Jordin - "Broken Wing"
Jordin looked like a goddess tonight. I think she's pretty all the time, but tonight I really thought she looked like she emerged from the ocean, or maybe from a giant, vibrantly colored tropical flower, fully-formed and flowing and shimmery, just to sing to me the prettiest song I've ever heard. Okay, not prettiest. But it was a good Idol performance. Even Simon said so. He said she's going to win. Which means that Simon has finally decided to agree with me. For reals though, you guys, I'm totes in love with her.

3. Sanjaya - "Something to Talk About"
Sanjaya is dressed like a mechanic. Who is also a woman. Working on airplane engines. During WWII. The singing was sub-par, obviously (clarification: is was fairly good, for Sanjaya, but shitty for the standards to which everyone should be held). The judges have stopped humoring his billions of voters and decided to actually lay into him again this week. They were met with boos that, if they were arrows, would block out the sun at high noon. And then Simon would insult people in the shade.

4. LaKisha - "Jesus Take the Wheel"
Obviously SOMEONE had to sing a Carrie Underwood song, and I'm okay with that somebody being LaKisha. Personally, I thought she did a pretty good job tonight. She gave me chills on some of the big notes, her hair looked nice, and she managed to keep most of her boobies covered up. I even forgave her metallic golden space boots. The judges were all, "Fuh fuh fuh you could soooo totally do better," which I think is just a tactic they sometimes employ to get people to pity-vote for her. So they won't vote for Sanjaya as part of the American Revolution II: Electric Bugaloo.

5. Chris - "Mayberry"
Chris sucked at singing a little bit tonight, and because he looked like he was ready to cry all through his judging and offered his condolences and prayers to VT students and families, I'm guessing it was because of that, and really that just makes me love him more. He is from Virginia. I bet he's sincerely torn up about it. I mean, on a more personal level than your average sincerely upset person. This week I also discovered why I love Chris, exactly, despite his apparent lack of vocal talent: he's southern. I'd forgotten about that. I have a soft spot for southern boys. It's the accent, and the attitude, and their general love of whiskey and going barefoot and calling me "babydoll." Man, I cannot wait until Chris and I get married. Barefoot and whiskey-drunk.

6. Melinda - "Trouble is a Woman"
Melinda looks pretty fly this week. She got some sweet-ass hair extensions that seriously make her look about ten years younger. And although Melinda brings it, as usual, unfortunately it has already been broughten by Jordin, whom no one can touch this week. NO ONE. Not even Melinda, and you guys know how highly I think of her. Jordin FTW!!!!!1!!1!! (Spirit fingers!!!)

7. Blake - "When the Stars Go Blue"
Blake is a wizard. He made me love this song. He made me fall in love. Not with anyone in particular, but maybe with The Cure (again), I think, and Wilco, too? Anyone who has ever sung about stars or happens to sound like Robert Smith, which Blake kind of does, but more than that, it restored my faith in humanity. Because I've never heard the original version of this song before, but I'm sure it sounds a lot stupider than the one Blake sang. I mean, for sheerly mathematical reasons (that I doubt I will ever hear anything that sounds better than Blake's version of this song), but the point is that he took a song from a genre whose products I haven't been able to tolerate for the past ten years, at least, and made it awesome and clear and simple and vulnerable and lovable. Like a baby is lovable. I want Blake to kidnap me and carry me off to the cloud palace (designed by Le Corbusier) where he lives with his synthesizers and fog machines and light gobos. Also, Blake totally wore an argyle sweater and looked awesome in it. Remember when Jared tried to pull that shit? What a jell-o loving fool he was!

I seriously think that Sanjaya has a decent chance of going home this week. But who am I kidding? It'll probably be Phil, or, to the chagrin of my eternally broken heart, Chris.

P.S. In all sincerity, my best wishes to everyone who attends or knows someone who attends VT. I would hug each and every one of you if I could.

Did I have any trouble getting here?  Why no, none at all.  I just had to sell three weeks worth of my meal plan to get the money for the forty-three dollar cab ride down here.  No that's not ketchup on my suit, that's actually homeless person blood.  See the cab wouldn't drop me off in front of your building so I had to walk through eight blocks of the finest urban development the city has to offer.  No, I didn't harm the homeless man, I assure you he was already bleeding from the ears when he started to hump my leg and demand nickels.  I agree, panhandlers these days are really dedicated to their craft.

What do I think of the interview process so far?  Well I didn't quite understand why you locked me in a room for four hours and made me do a Give Yourself Goosebumps book.  Thank you, I had no idea that I tied a record when I made it all the way through Werewolf Woods in three attempts.  Yeah, I suppose R.L. Stine would be proud.  Well, with a week before finals what better way could I be spending my time.  I'd probably just be masturbating in my room right now.

Do I like the office atmosphere here?  Well when I walked in and the secretary called me a 'little faggot,' I really felt like I belonged here. I guess having to dodge the fecal matter being tossed around the cubicles really keeps you on your feet at all times, too. 

What?  You're offering me the position.  Well, that's terrific.  Wait a second, what kind of intership did you say this is? Marketing?  Oh shit.  Yeeeeeah.  Um...hah...how do you leave this room?  There's no door.  How the fuck did I get in here?  No, no, don't touch me!  Just let me get the fuck out of here!

A homosexual walks out of one of their bars. He's dressed like one.

Gay-My ass is sore from all that gay sex I just had. We do it all goddamned day like goddamned jack rabbits or something.

A black jumps out of an alley.

Black-Hey white person.

Gay-(I'd like to have sex with this guy and give him AIDS)

Black-Give me your wallet or I’ll shoot you. I act like this because of rap music and not knowing my father.

Gay- Oh please don’t shoot me with your big manly gun. (Crying)Please don’t take my money; I was going to use it to buy those gay-sex drug pills they talk about on the news. I’m a little baby woman who doesn’t know what it is to act like a man. I’m afraid of guns and that’s why I can’t be in the military.

Black- Stop talking and give me all your money. I have a false sense of entitlement and that’s why I feel justified in stealing. I never learned accountability because of welfare.

Gay-(crying) Fine, take all my money you big manly stud. I got it from doing hair perms or writing poetry or something. I never played little league, or maybe I did and I was terrible at it, and that’s why I do women’s work.

Black- I’m going to spend this money on drugs and prostitutes! I’m some kind of violent lunatic all hopped up on cocaine!

The African shoots the homosexual in the head and then tries to run away, but trips and falls because his damn pants are past his damn ankles anyhow and what the hell kind of way is that to wear your pants. Some police officers arrest him (but are sure to be as “gentle as can be” because they don’t want to get sued by the democrats) and then he goes before the judge

Black- I’m speaking in the goddamned Ebonics because I never learned to speak right.

Judge- That’s OK; Ebonics is just as good as English if you’re an African. Now, normally we'd send you to prison even longer for killing a gay, since the liberals say they should have more rights than the rest of us, but since you’re a black and the liberals say that you should also have more rights than the rest of us, we’ve decided to give you a scholarship to the state university over a more deserving white person, or maybe some kind of Asian. They’re hard workers too.

 

AW HELL YES BITCHES! MY DAY HAS COME!
Seriously, thank God for this. It's what's best for everyone.

It's Latin Night here on American Idol, and who better to teach these 8 (probable) virgins about being lusty and passionate than Jennifer "Taco Flavored Kisses" Lopez? Speaking of lust, passion, and J.Lo, remember when she played Robin William's teacher in Jack? Me too. And remember how Fran Drescher played his friend's mom, and Robin Williams had to pretend to be the principal so that his friend wouldn't get in trouble or some shit, and then later he was at a bar and Fran Drescher saw him and they were dancing together and she squeezed his butt? Me too. Okay, now do you think that's gross? Because he's really only 10, even though he looks like a 46-year-old half-man-half-wooly mammoth. Some films just never answer the important questions. Speaking of Fran Drescher, wasn't Beautician and the Beast an awesome movie?

1. Melinda - "Sway"
In case America couldn't figure it out on its own, Melinda confesses before she performs that she is totally not sexy. Yeah yeah, we know. Being sexy is for people who aren't good at singing (I'm looking at you, Haley and TimberFAKE). Her dress was adorable, the song sounded really good, Simon didn't like it. I kind of agreed with him. It was probably better than every one else tonight, but it lacked that extra sparkle of fairy dust that brings the magic to Melinda's other performances. Not like it matters any. She could walk out on stage, fart, and walk back off, and she'd probably still get 15 million votes.

2. LaKisha - "Conga"
J.Lo tried to teach LaKisha the proper way to say "conga," which turned out to be futile, but was also stupid. People don't need to be using foreign accents when they say a word that has been adopted into the English language. You don't hear people at Burger King ordering a breakfast croissant with a stupid French accent. Anyway, LaKisha did a pretty good job with the song, although it probably was really easy for her, as Paula pointed out in a single, shining moment of astuteness. What is apparently not easy for LaKisha is finding an outfit that covers more than 12% of her breasts.

3. Chris - "Smooth"
Oh, TimberFAKE, where to begin? I guess all I have to say is that I have never wondered what it would sound like if *Nsync sang this song, but now I know anyway. Thanks for that. Also, I hereby formally invite you to sleep with me in a tent in my backyard, once it gets nice out. We read to each other by flashlight from my treasured copy of Scary Stories 3 and then snuggle in the same sleeping bag if we get too scared about the one where the kid gets locked out of the cabin by his friends and spends all night clawing at the door and they think it's a monster and then in the morning they find him and his head's all bashed in and his fingernails are broken off and stuck in the door. Eeeep!

4. Haley - "Turn the Beat Around"
I just... please, will someone euthanize this girl already? Or at least buy her some pants? Or, better yet, some dignity?

5. Phil - "Maria Maria"
Ironically, Latin Night, the Most Passionate of All Nights, is the night on which everyone seems like they're sort of half-assing it. They all seem kind of secretly bored and indifferent. In LaKisha's case, she just seemed more bored and indifferent than usual, but in Phil's case, the performance was only equally as devoid of life as each of his others, presumably because Phil has AIDS. I'm not even kidding. That would explain his sunken cheeks and sad, sleepy eyes, and weird, inexplicable association with a drag queen. This week I guess his pneumonia is eating away at his vocal chords, because he cracked on a couple of notes. No biggie, he'll be dead soon.

6. Jordin - "The Rhythm is Gonna Get You"
Even my beautiful, sparkly, pretend little sister didn't do all that super awesome tonight. She was one of the best, of course, but she, like everyone else, seemed weirdly bored with the whole thing. I think maybe J.Lo threatened them not to do too well or something, and all they can think about while they're performing is the fear of being slowly beaten to death by Marc "Almost as Emaciated as Phil" Anthony.

7. Blake - "I Need to Know"
Speak of the devil... I kind of hate this song. I kind of hate all Latin-infused pop. Mostly because I don't know how to salsa dance, and I desperately wish that I did know, and Latin-infused pop just reminds me of my various shortcoming as a human being. Blake did a good job, as usual. Maybe he can teach me to dance. I should call him.

8. Sanjaya - "Besame Mucho"
Sanjaya is a motherfucking genius. He can do whatever he wants and no one can touch him, at least not until Haley and Phil are out of here. Tonight he abandoned the "generally sucking at life" route and chose to go for "being really super creepy, like old man serial killer child rapist who lives alone in a cabin in Montana that's decorated with the foreskins of thousands of Jewish babies creepy." Good for him. He pulled it off.

Please, please, please, God, let Haley go home before she does the Dance of the Seven Veils. (I hear they uncover the cooter first.)  (OH MY GOD AWESOME IDEA:  TimberFAKE can pull off the veil over her girly parts and then everyone can act like it was a part of the act, but like it wasn't supposed to totally expose her, and then 1) we get to see what Butterface brings to the party and 2) she'll get to be on the news for like a billion weeks. Okay maybe that's not SUCH an awesome idea. But still. I miss 2004 and its debauchery.)

You guys, tonight was the saddest night of my life. I had a video all ready for what I was certain would be Haley's inevitable dismissal, and then, of course, GINA had to go and fuck it all up. Thanks a lot, America! Now I have to wait one, maybe six more weeks to put that masterpiece to use! Okay, it isn't really a masterpiece. I was just excited because I'm going away this weekend and I have a whole shit ton of stuff to do, and I was all, "Ooh, look at me, I'm so ahead of the game with the American Idol business! Now I'll have so much time to pack and figure out train schedules and do my real homework!" That'll teach me to not procrastinate. Also, I guess I'm kind of sad to see Gina go (especially over Haley. I really wanted that to happen for Haley's own good.), but I'm a little comforted by the fact that her clothes will be returned to the 13-year-old goth girl from whom they were stolen.

Tony Bennett arrives to act as musical and spiritual guru for the nine Idolers who are left, which promises for a boring show, if nothing else. Mr. Bennett, winner of 15 Grammy Awards and Las Vegas's favorite octogenarian, claims that the music he sings is comprised of the "best songs ever written in America." If that's true, then he his newest album will obviously be featuring "White Houses" and "Gin & Juice." Also, as my roommate so astutely observed, Paula is dressed like the Hamburglar tonight.

1. Blake - "Mack the Knife"
I am so much in love with Blake and how he is from the future that I am willing to ignore the fact that his pants and his jacket didn't even pretend to match tonight. Coordinate, maybe, but "coordination" isn't really good enough when Seacrest is dressed like Regis Philbin and Paula is threatening to burger-nap everyone's dinner. Since you can do whatever the fuck you please with jazz standards, Blake obviously chose to sing this song with as few strobe lights and robot voices as possible. I was a little disappointed, of course, but I'm fairly certain that he was born in 2056 and has come back to our comparatively primitive era to teach us about music, and if future Americans still respect these oft-crooned musical gems enough to not tamper with them, then so must we.

2. Phil - "Night & Day"
Phil unnerves me lately. Sure, he looks like a physical collaboration between Vince Vaugn, Billy Zane, and Sadako of and the Thousand Paper Cranes, but he's actually sounded very good the past two weeks. Stop singing well so I can start hating all of you again, Mr. Stacey. At least I can rest assured that he cares about this talent show more than his most recently born child.

3. Melinda - "I Got Rhythm"
A couple of days ago I was on the phone with my mom, and we were talking about Idol, obviously, and she was like, "That Melinda has such a weird face! She looks like a gorilla. She looks like Magilla Gorilla's girlfriend. They should call her Melinda Gorilla," and I was just like, "Oh, Haley" (that's what I call her... it's not her name, but... actually, what I call my mom is really none of anybody's business) "that is perhaps the most racist thing I've ever heard you say." My mom is apparently the kind of person who would actually try to take back the term "porch monkey." P.S. Melinda was awesome and her dress was really cute.

4. Chris - "Don't Get Around Much Anymore"
TimberFAKE, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways: 1) I loveth the way thou appeareth on stage, striking a silly pose against a blinding flash of white light. 2) I loveth the way thou alloweth thine suspender straps to hang, useless, across thine pert buttocks. 3) I loveth the way thou cannotst actually singeth very well, but how thou hast captured mine heart despite it. 4) I loveth the way thou makest out with me in mine fantasies, then pauseth to grabeth for me another beer from the frige, then resumeth of the making out once I have taken two or three swigs. 5) I loveth the way thou wilt surely asketh me to marry thee someday. Please.

5. Jordin - "On a Clear Day"
I think Jordin is great and I want to invite her to hang out at my secret club house so we can talk about boys and take quizzes in Seventeen and eat Cheetos and say, "Oh, these Cheetos are going to make me sooo fat!" but know that we don't really care. The judges talked a little bit of smack about how it wasn't as extra-super-awesome and new-fangled as TimberFAKE's song, but unless you're willing to make your voice all silly and half-pretend to be Michael Jackson, it's kind of hard to make a jazz standard all "current" in a way that won't cause the judges to berate you for fucking it up. I think Jordin is going to win this whole thing, and I say that with complete confidence in the knowledge that I will never vote for her or anyone else.

6. Gina - "Smile"
Tony Bennett was all, "This song reminds me of 9/11, because I like to mention national disasters for no apparent reason because I'm 80," and I was like, "I guess that's fine, Mr. Bennett. Thanks for totally ruining the mood." Gina sang very prettily tonight. Honestly, I think these slow, emotional songs are better suited to her voice than the "rocker" malarkey Simon would prefer her to sing, but it's not up to me, I guess. Once again she looks like she stole her outfit from the rejected costume bin on the set of The Craft, and once again I wish she realized what size she actually wears. Stop sausaging yourself into clothes, Gina baby. You're prettier than that.

7. Sanjaya - "Dancing Cheek to Cheek"
Sure, Sanjaya's suit was too big for him and of a stupid color, and sure his hair was smoothed down with enough oil to keep my car's engine functioning properly for the next 3,000 miles, but don't you think it's kind of wonderful that the judges have officially washed their hands of this kid? Sanjaya has some sort of genius ulterior motive, and when his plan finally comes to fruition, one of two things will occur: the Apocalypse as foretold in the Book of Revelations or global thermonuclear war. In the case of the latter, it will become apparent that Sanjaya has merely accidentally begun said war while playing what he thought was a game on his 1987 desktop, and the only way to stop the bombs from detonating is to make it to the Finals of American Idol. Also, even if you hate him, you have to admit that it was pretty adorable when he started dancing with Paula.

8. Haley - "Ain't Misbehavin'"
I'm so sorry for Butterface. She knows that the only way she can stay afloat in this competition is to act like a lounge singer. She's prostituting herself for votes. It's not worth it, kid. You seem like good people. Put away the top half of your mermaid costume and retire to the loving arms of your fiance. Get out of here before you resort to performing a striptease on stage while singing "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road."

9. LaKisha - "Stormy Weather"
Lalalalalala Boob-sha sang pretty awesomely. The LaKisha I fell in love with five weeks ago is back, having apparently sent her far more boring, bling-mongering doppleganger off to get a breast reduction or cosmetic dentistry or a better haircut.

Who do I hope will go home? Haley, for her own good.
Who do I think will go home? Again, hopefully Haley, but you never know. It could be... Sanjaya? Phil? These predictions are getting tough.