Length of episode: 2 hours
What happened: a lot of stuff
Who showed up: the Top 12, the judges, Ryan Seacrest, Tony Bennett, Joe Perry, Taylor Hicks, Kelly Clarkston, Carrie Underwood, Smokey Robinson, Gladys Knight, some other black people who sang with Melinda, Doug E. Fresh, that girl who cries every time she thinks about Sanjaya, the African Children's Choir, some whiny bitches who sang about Darfur, Reuben Studdard, Margaret Fowler, that one guy who yells when he sings, the bush baby kid and his sidekick Baby Beluga, Bette Midler
Who phoned it in: Gwen Stefani, Darfur refugees
Things that were awesome: Joe Perry's guitar
Things that were awkward: Blake's entire performance with Doug E. Fresh, specifically 1) Blake's whiteness and 2) his total botch of the handshake at the end
Things that were not awkward at all: Simon and Ryan's mutual affection, how much I want to hang out with Bette Midler, how much I wanted the Happy Hands Club to perform while Bette Midler was performing
Things that make me feel extra racist: (besides not knowing any of the black people's names) the fact that, if not for their costumes, I would have had no idea which gender each member of the African Children's Choir was
Things I am legitimately excited about: the fact that the fat black guy from Hustle & Flow is going to be in a show about New Orleans "after the storm." I assume that will involve a whole bunch of him being like, "Why the fuck aren't any of the fast food places open past 10 pm?" I won't really watch the show, of course, but Hustle & Flow marks one half of the total number of landmark motion pictures of 2005 in which Terrance Howard punched Ludacris in the face, so it's clearly awesome.
People I had to hear sing Beatles songs: Carrie Underwood, Kelly Clarkston, Taylor Hicks, Reuben Studdard, the entire Top 12
People I like to hear sing Beatles songs: The Beatles and MAYBE Fiona Apple
Who won: Jordin. Obviously. I called that like two months ago.
Things that were not a complete and utter waste of my time: Joe Perry's guitar. That's it.

What an anticlimactic finale this was. And now the phrase I've been waiting three months to type: Marino out!

We're in the ginormous Kodak Theater, watching old footage of Jordin and Blake from the Seattle auditions and onward with the approximately 450,000,000 people who fill the venue tonight. I am reminded, during this montage down Memory Lane, just how stupid looking Blake's hair used to be: really, really stupid looking. Thank God he got on this show, if only to fix that 4-foot frosted party hat that used to live on top of his head.

Speaking of things that are stupid: Randy's Michael-Jackson-cum-Jacob-Marley jacket, Paula's frizzy hair, and the fact that Paula "tripped over her dog, Tulip" and hurt herself.

1. Blake - "You Give Love a Bad Name"
Wow. Blake learned how to sing higher notes without leaning his head back. Awesome. Additionally: Blake's dad looks like he'd be the recovering alcoholic assistant basketball coach for some team in a mid-western state. He seems like the kind of guy who spends all day on an old recliner on his front porch, wearing a stained wife beater and his boxers, watching reruns of Step By Step on a 10" black and white TV and drinking a 40 and laughing about how goofy Cody is. Good people, in other words. Paula's score for Blake: "10 + 10 + 10 + 10" So... 40. I'm not sure why they're even critiquing these kids anymore, really. People are just going to vote. And hopefully Blake won't win so he can do his own awesome non-solo album and have awesome productions on his tour and continue to rock my socks off. Were I wearing any. Which I happen to not be... ANYMORE.

2. Jordin - "Fighter"
Man, but that's a lot of words all at once. I would really like Jordin's shirt if it didn't have that retarded dip-dyed thing going on. Just black would have been fine. Who designs these clothes, and why don't they design them more to my tastes? Idiots.

3. Blake - "She Will Be Loved"
I take back what I said about him not tilting his head back. Oh well. I swear to God, Blake looks just like a gay, preppy Ryan Atwood. I assume, also, that if Ryan had been gay and preppy, instead of punching people all the time, he would have dressed in argyle sweaters and sung Maroon 5. He also wouldn't have ever put up with any of Oliver's shit. Damnit, why did the OC have to go off the air? I hate my life.

OH MY GOD that Archer Farms commercial was adorable! I wish cows really had wings. And that trees really giggled.

4. Jordin - "A Broken Wing"
Jordin's mom is a fucking retard. What kid can't talk at 18 months old? A retarded one, that's what. Parents with an IQ of 14 notwithstanding, Jordin is so much better suited to this championship than Blake. She's got that whole "big voice, sentimental songs, pretty, old people will really like her as well as young people" thing that so many of the other winners have shared. Except for last season. And the season when Reuben won. But still. Blake is from too far into the future to win this and not be stifled by the responsibilities of being the American Idol. Jordin would do well. She's still a kid. And I'm fairly certain that we've been led to believe that she's from each and every one of our next doors.

5. Blake - "This is My Now"
This song is laaaaaame. And it really highlights the fact that Blake isn't very good at singing at all. Also would you feel like such an L7 weenie if you and your bff won the American Idol songwriting competition? I guess they're from Seattle, though, so it was either this or suicide. This is probably a little bit healthier. I really really really want Blake to produce an album that is nothing more than covers of The Cure and The Police songs. Simon is all, "This song sucks. Disregard it, everyone." Blake's vest is super sparkly. That's pretty gay.

6. Jordin - "This is My Now"Yeah this song still sucks, but when Jordin sings it, at least it's very "American Idol winner's debut single" as opposed to Blake's "egregious train wreck of an ostensible musical number." I still really hate it, though. Her dress is cute, though. They were both very sparkly for their last performances. Aw. She actually started crying. That's adorable, if totally unprofessional.

So, who else is totally stoked for the premier of On the Lot?!
Results tomorrow. Jordin will probably win. If she doesn't, I'll be crying about as hard as she is right now. (Just kidding, I lack the ability to sympathize with others.)

So it's 9:06 EST, during the first commercial break of this, what is perhaps the most important Idol elimination since the invention of TV, eliminations, and American Idol. Normally I wouldn't watch the show until much later, when I can conveniently 4x FF through the commercials, but I'm staying with my friend until I move to New York, because I sublet my apartment to some fancy (sorority, I assume) girls, so I don't have DVR now. To help me deal with commercials, I'm undertaking to drink a pint of scotch during this show. To be honest, either it won't get done, or it'll get done with a lot of throwing up, which is cheating. And no one likes a cheater.

Hmm I don't really feel like updating this entire thing, I guess. Results shows are boring. Maroon 5 is playing. I'm going to go have a cigarette and then come back and then talk about how much I hate commercials some more, probably, because I'm drunk. I probably won't even edit this later. I submit that drunk American Idol is the best kind of American Idol. Almost like Rockstar: Supernova . Did anybody else watch that last summer? I really wanted Delana to win but instead that emo bush baby kid won. What a crock of shit that was.

Not gonna lie, Blake's not-at-a-highschool concert totally beats the pants off of Jordin's at-a-highschool concert. Or pep rally or whatever that was. Of course we won't find out who's going home until the end. This is lame. Now some Elliott dude is singing. I didn't watch last year so I neither know who he is nor care. He looks like an older, less attractive, less talented Josh Groban singing with an older, fatter, less talented TLC. Also my shift key is being a jackass.

Ooh a preview for a movie in which Bruce Willis throws a dude out of a truck. I think in was or something. Maybe Die Hard: 3? 7? Which number are they on now? I certainly don't know. Woah a music hunter? Or huntress? Women are allowed to hunt now? Looney Toons did not alert me to this fact. Oh, and good, a Mac commercial. You know what? I have a PC and I'm not a hipster or a rockstar, but I can still use the internet just fine. And I can process words. And play Sims. And illegally download movies, music, and TV shows. And that's pretty much all I need my computer for. ... I'm just sad because Macs are so cute. But every time I use one I feel like a 4-year-old. I know how to use a computer, Macs. You don't need to make it extra easy for me. My friend has a panda bear costume and there's a big panda head staring at me right now. That's sort of weird. Also his speakers are making weird noises. Eeep. I'm sort of scared that they might explode. I bet they won't though. Not from Maroon 5.

I never noticed, but Melinda has bad teeth. You're famous now, Melinda. Get some veneers! She looks very pretty tonight, actually. Probably because her mouth is closed so I can't see her need for braces. I like her hair a lot more lately. It makes her look 28 instead of 48. Her shirt says "Death Cheater" on it, though, and frankly, I think that's a rather liberal term for "someone who has managed not to die yet." I mean, really. It's not like Melinda is wearing a Dreamsicle suit, riding Gatorade-powered cupcake motorcycles through a village in Nebraska during the Dust Bowl or anything. She's hardly about to be mauled to death.

After a brief performance by Maroon 5, whom I had confused with The White Stripes for at least the first half of the song, because both band names contain colors and I'm clinically retarded, Melinda is VOTED OFF!!!! Sincerely, I'm excited for this finale. I love Blake and Jordin more than anyone will ever know. But still. Melinda? The best singer in the universe? Off the show? Bold choice, America.

Let's just get right to it. I'm sick of this bullshit.

1. Jordin - Wishing on a Star
I'm not in love with Jordin's hair tonight, but Simon chose this song (and, I assume, her wardrobe), and she does a good job with it, I guess. I don't know it at all. It sounded good. Then again, everything better sound good at this point. Randy really liked it, so I guess it must have been good, and Paula's hair is so fancy tonight! Simon was all, "Meh. The arrangement was too jazzy. And upbeat. And I got a haircut and it looks sort of dumb."

2. Blake - Roxanne
Not as good as the Moulin Rouge version, which isn't saying much, because that version is possibly the best recording of any song ever in the universe. The positive points: Blake sounds not unlike Sting anyway, which is good, I guess. However, he can't do the gravelly "ROXANNE!!!!" thing that I so admire in the Moulin Rouge version, and he's decided to wear a sweater vest again, which, I mean, is fine, but really Blake? Are you secretly 68?

3. Melinda - I Believe in You and Me
Why, Randy? Why Whitney Houston? And why, if you must Whitney her, not  "I Wanna Dance with Somebody"? I love that song. Oh well. They loved it anyway, obviously, even if the whole time I was singing every other of Whitney's songs in my head. Melinda's really talented, we get it, blah blah blah. I'm tired of feeling inadequate. I feel like if I were singing a song with her and there were two sets of vocals on the recording, but sometimes there was only one, Melinda would be like, "That's where I was carrying you," and I'd be like, "Thanks a lot, jerkface. I can sing for myself." Then I'd hug her, because seriously, she's so cute. I can't stay mad at that dress.

4. Jordin - She Works Hard for the Money
Ha ha. Aw. Jordin loves Hanson. So does Ryan. He "has the CD in [his] car." Of course he does. I like how Jordin justifies her "favorite song" choice with, "What? I'm 17." Like, honey, when that song was popular, you were... 8? I'm guessing. I'm only four years older than she is, I guess, but that's an eternity in music years. Also I'm pretty glad that the producers picked a song that has recently been featured in McDonald's commercials. (I think. It may have been Burger King or even Subway. I don't really pay attention to TV. I'm positive it was fast food. Or possibly computers. Something.) Ugh... this isn't excellent. I mean, it's awesome for a Hanson fan, don't get me wrong (also I secretly love "Mmmbop" too. It really is catchy as hell), but I think Jordin may be going home. Depending on how much Blake sucks. Hmm... the judges all really liked it. Maybe I'm too drunk to be critiquing people right now.... Nah.

5. Blake - This Love
Ooh a Blake movie! Jim Carey?!?!?!?!?! The fuck?! Robin Williams or Ben MacKenzie, you stupid fuck! I'm pretty sure that if The OC were still on, it would gladly feature your version of this song in the soundtrack! Damnit I miss The OC. They're always looking for the newest music in the world. Not kidding, one episode this season (during Kaitlyn's tennis lesson with Spencer, the guy who ended up being the head gigolo in Julie's male prostitution ring) had a cover of "Float On." My roommate was like, "Is this... is this a cover of 'Float On'?" And I was like, "Stiles, we're listening to the newest music in the world right now." Also Blake did a good job. It's pretty hard not to improve upon Maroon 5, though.

6. Melinda - Nutbush City Limits
Melinda's idol is her mommy. That's pretty cute. My mommy would be my idol, if she weren't the single loudest and most immature person ever. Speaking of being immature, am I 8 1/2 or is the title of this song hilarious? Nutbush? For real? I don't even know how good of a job Melinda did because my inane giggling was drowning out her singing the whole time. The judges seemed to like it. I figure they know best... ish.

7. Jordin - I Who Have Nothing
She did a really good job on this song the first time, so I understand why she chose it again. But why didn't she sing "Mmmbop"? I guess they had to pick a song they already sang, but she did a lot better the first time. She also looked a lot prettier the first time. Curly hair = not super sexy long hair = not causing me to think she's the prettiest girl in the world. Which I guess might not be her objective every time she takes the stage, but it wouldn't hurt. Also I sort of take back what I said earlier. She's sort of kicking ass. I remember the first time being more rawly emotional, but I dunno. I've never written this article in real time before, and it's sort of weird. I just didn't feel like taking notes. But enough about me... JORDIN RULES!!!!11!!!! *spirit fingers*!

8. Blake - When I Get You Alone
Oh swizzle, yo! Blake is beat boxing to "Baby Got Back"! That was some kind of "quick jam"! Since "jams" characteristically involve pre-written songs. I love the way Blake dances. It's so weird and fluid and asexual. Okay, so this song has basically convinced me that Blake needs to cut a record stat. It will be pretty cool. Hopefully it comes with a free disco ball. I mean, I wouldn't buy the album or anything. I'd probably download like half of the songs illegally, and then my friends and I would make fun of the Blake Lewis craze among 12-year-old girls, which would be especially biting because like half of my friends are gay, and if there's one thing they know how to do, it's make scathing remarks about popular culture.

9. Melinda - I'm a Woman
She should have done "My Funny Valentine" again. Yeah, I said it. That was the greatest thing ever. I guess this song shows her "sassy" side, but didn't the Turner collaboration also do that? Like Jordin's performance, I can't help but remember this with more fondness than I'm feeling towards it now. Her pantsuit, however, is D-I-V-I-N-E (get it? because she was spelling out "woman"? Whatever, I give up).

Our Father [...] deliver us from Idol. Amen.

Then have I got a suggestion for you! Join this Facebook group: JOIN ME!
Shameless plug for a group that isn't even mine? Yes. Am I doing this so that it will maybe get the desired amount of members because I don't think that the person whose group it is will actually make good on the promise? You bet. You only need to be in it for, like, 15 minutes. Be a champ, not a chump.

Well summer is upon us once again and for those of us lucky enough not to graduate and have to work a real job or go home and face psycho highschool exes, we must rebuild college society.  This translate into finding girls and relentlessly trying to have sex with them (Ha ha...300 feet restraining order).  For those of you on the hunt and brave enought to use them, here's a short list of some pick up lines that I've been tossing around...(NB: no. 4 relies on a confident delivery)

1)  "My penis, your vagina, now."

*2)  "I don't have anything a little penicillin can't clear up."

3)  "I don't even cry after sex anymore."

4)  (put two fingers up to the girl's face)  "Make these smell like vagina."

5)  "If you come back with me tonight, I'll cook you breakfast in bed in the morning, then we can walk to the clinic to get tested for lunch."

6)  "I paid your friend to tell me who you are and I literally have a condom with your name on it in my pocket."

7)  "I play on the top hockey team at the university.  No, there's no Division I hockey team at our college.  Wait, wait it's still Division I club hock..."

*If this is a lie, simply cross your fingers behind your back.

**Under no circumstances use any of these pickup lines, unless you're really, really drunk.

Choo-choo! The Excuse Train has pulled into the station. Um, Monday - Wednesday I was at home, and my internet doesn't work very well there, and plus I don't know what time Idol is actually on. So I didn't watch it until about an hour ago. Also my dog kept catching baby bunnies and I had to keep taking them back to their nest. It was an exciting and tumultuous time. Especially for the bunnies.

Barry Gibb was the mentor this week, and he's probably the coolest person in the entire world. Case in point: He was totally fine with everything Blake did, unlike previous mentors, who have been all, "Blake, why you gotta be fucking up my song with your mouth garbage?" Also Simon was wearing a WHITE shirt. What the hell?! Oh, also everyone sings twice, because really, why not?

1. Melinda - "Love You Inside And Out"
I love her inside and out. She's so precious. It wasn't the best thing ever, and I know I sound like Paula here, but honestly, who cares? People are going to vote for Melinda no matter what she does.

2. Blake - "You Should Be Dancing"
Blake beat boxed on this song, and Randy was all, "Yo, dog, you ain't gotta beat box every time, dog." Which I sort of agree with. I'm not sure what else Blake has going for him at this point (besides being the only white person and the only boy and the only one who's different from the other three.... Oh.), but it seemed superfluous in this song.

3. LaKisha - "Stayin' Alive"
I thought she did a really good job on this. The judges hated it, and as usual, she ignored the advice of her mentor, but as I was listening to it, I thought that it would actually work as a decent cover. Like, I could picture people dancing to it in some sort of strange Idol Meets the 1970s club.

4. Jordin - "To Love Somebody"
I love her dress. I wish she wasn't wearing it with a pair of jeans. Oh well, she's only 17. She'll learn how to dress herself later, I guess. Also she totally cleaned up with this song.

5. Melinda - "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart"
It was very nice. Not awesome, but ever since "My Funny Valentine," she's pretty much been coasting on very nice, so that's fine.

6. Blake - "This is Where I Come In"
I love the way Blake dresses. He's so nerdy cool, and his singing style is so 80s, and his dancing is so awesome. I want to go to gay clubs with him. Or I would, if I didn't hate gay people so much. (I'm basically kidding. Gay people are harmless.) I thought this was kind of boring, really, but it had some nice colorful lights.

7. LaKisha - "Run to Me"
Judge Judy was in the audience! And that's all I remember about this one. Except that LaKisha's dress looked totally r.tarded.

8. Jordin - "Woman in Love"
Jordin is really fucking gorgeous. The song wasn't awesome. It sounded a lot better in rehearsal with B.G. Still, I suspect that Jordin will win this whole thing.

AND NOW FOR ELIMINATIONS!!!!!
LaKisha and Blake (sporting a very classy tuxedo t-shirt) were the bottom two, and obviously LaKisha is going home, not just because she always looks bored and never moves her top lip and is fat, but probably also because there are two other people here who do exactly what she does, only slightly better. Sorry "KiKi." We'll miss you.

My prayers were literally answered tonight, as Phil and Chris went home, leaving a Final Four that is 75% black and 75% female. Affirmative Action? Probably. The best Final Four ever? Definitely.

Was it me, or at the beginning of the show tonight, did Paula not talk about Simon's flaccid penis? What the fuck was that about?

So of course I'll miss Phil, our resident vampire/advanced lymphoma patient/bad parent, and Chris, our nasally, ex-boy-band member, inexplicably adorable kid, but the important thing is that Jordin is still in the running for the title she so justly deserves.

So, just so everyone's sure: Chris and Phil went home, finally, and Blake, LaKisha, Melinda, and Jordin make up the Final Four. Which means we only have, like... a month left of this? The show will be in overdrive from now on, so hold on tight as we careen madly toward this season's winner (Jordin. I hope.).

I know what you're thinking: Top 6 again?! Boooo! I wanted to see the Top 5! I know, friend. Me too. But last week they decided not to send anyone home, so there are still 6 people here, and I still have to look at Phil's ugly mug. Unfortunately they're sending two people home this week, so we'll never share giggles and poke jabs at the contestants over a Top 5 together. There's always next year.

...This is worse than the time my parents forgot my birthday.

My only consolation (beyond the 70 million dollars [American] that Idol Gives Back raised, of course. To give kids in Africa mosquito nets. To cure them of malaria.) is that JON FUCKIN BON JOVI is the mentor this week. Well, him and his piano man. So everyone gets to sing super rockin awesome Bon Jovi songs and I get to watch a little promotional video for the band and be like, "Man, Bon Jovi is so cool."

1. Phil - "Blaze of Glory"
(Query: has anyone else seen Blades of Glory, starring Napoleon Dynamite, Gob, Gob's wife in real life, Pam, and Buddy the Elf? Because its title sounds just like the title of this song. Also it wasn't a great movie, and I'm not recommending it or anything, I'm just curious.) Phil confesses that he used to sing this song into his comb 15 years ago. Back before the ovarian cancer took all his hair, rendering a comb unnecessary. I hope he dies in a blaze of glory. You know, from the cancer. I hope his ovaries look like the Aurora Borealis. I'm being mean about his lady part troubles, but I'm actually worried that Phil didn't do the worst job tonight. God, I'm so scared I might lose Jordin!

2. Jordin - "Livin' on a Prayer"
Um... Jordin? We need to talk. Come, fantasy little sister, and cuddle under my vintage 1994 Little Mermaid comforter with me. First of all, you borrowed my purse the other night and you left a lip gloss in it, so remind me to give that back to you later. But more importantly, you sucked tonight, kid. What was up with that? Didn't you say right before you went and sucked that your mom has been throwing Bon Jovi in your face since your infancy? Shouldn't you have been singing into your comb for the past 15 years, too? Although, based on the appearance of your hair this evening, I doubt that you actually own a comb. Anyway, babe, you should know that you can't sing that song. No one can sober. I guess maybe because you're only 17 and kind of -let's face it- a square, you've never been at a party or in a bar when this song came on. Everyone sings along, and it's like magic. A magic that you get from alcohol. And you did not have that magic tonight. Also, I'm not even kidding anymore, your hair looked ridiculous. I imagine you got the impetus for those red streaks from How to Dress Like a Totally Punkass Rocker by Gina Glocksen. (God, Father the Almighty, please don't send my fantasy little sister home. She's young. She's still learning. And she's so pretty!)

3. LaKisha - "This Ain't a Love Song"

LaKisha and Ryan are in love. So are LaKisha and Jon Bon Jovi. So are LaKisha and Simon. However, only Simon declared his love by kissing her on national television. Well played, Cowell. I had pegged you for a homosexual.

4. Blake - "You Give Love a Bad Name"(Why are all these song titles full sentences? Jeez.)  BLAKE WAS AWESOME!!!!!! I love Blake so so so so so so much. He was all "ziggity zzzzt zzt zt zt ztztzt SHOT THROUGH THE HEART! AND YOU'RE TO BLAME!" Man, it was sick hella uber mega way wicked awesome. Also he dyed his hair brown and it looks really cute. I think maybe Blake can be mine and Jordin's fantasy older brother. He's the gay one, and Jordin is the sports one, and I'm the mean one. Killer! (Oh yeah. I forgot to use that to describe the performance. Note it.)

5. Chris - "Wanted Dead or Alive"
So... should there be a colon in the title? Damn you, Bon Jovi, with your grammatically ambiguous lyrics! Anyway, my snuggly bear TimberFAKE looked really scary in the lights tonight. It was like he wanted me dead or alive! Hey wait a second... I kind of like the sound of that. Maybe if I pretend it was a sexually predatory scary face instead of a righteously murderous scary face, I can still masturbate while watching the muted performance. Um, for real, though, it wasn't that great. Simon was all, "Well, you did your best. Which still sucks." I think TimberFAKE probably deserves to go home this week. I'll miss him, but there's always youtube. So help me, though, if both he and Jordin go home. I will carve their names into a heart on my forearm with a rusty corkscrew.

6. Melinda - "Have a Nice Day"
I like this one because in this sense, "Have a nice day" means the same thing as when southern gentlewomen say, "Bless your heart": "Fuck you." And obviously Melinda is a pretty decent singer, so it was good. Also I love her hair more and more every week. It just keeps getting shinier!

I am unreasonably worried that Jordin will go home this week. Apart from her, I don't really care who else goes. But man, Holy Trinity, it sure would be awesome if, like, Phil and Chris could go! At least Phil. Come on. He'll be joining you in heaven soon enough anyway.

Oops, almost forgot! Speaking of God the Father, our fearless leader George W. Bush and his woman appeared (on the screen) at the end of the show to thank everyone for donating moneys to po' kids. Then George threatened to sing, but Laura was all, "Son, they already seen yo tired, cracker-ass dance moves! Them people don' wanna hear you sing! Day-um!" and that shut him up.