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  • The Morning After Gossip Girl

    The Ex-Files

    by Katie Marino September 22, 2008


    Best episode in a while. I don't want to say that Gossip Girl is heating up just yet, but Gossip Girl is heating up.

    It's the first day of school at Constance Billiard/St. Jude's, and (surprise surprise) nobody wants to go! Kids hate school. Lily is back from Taiwan or Fiji or wherever, but Bart is still in Asia "on business" (banging that Japanese chick from last episode). Here's how much Serena doesn't want to face Dan: She would rather stay home and listen to Lily tell sex stories than go to school. Maybe if Lily were having sex with Chuck, I would want to hear those stories. Maybe. (Chuck mentions something about Serena reclaiming her title as Official Queen of UES Girls Aged 14-17 Years, but nobody pays attention because Eric distracts them with rumors of a champagne-filled limousine.)

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  • The Morning After Gossip Girl

    The Dark Night

    by Katie Marino September 15, 2008


    You can imagine how thrilled I was when I read the episode info and saw the title and realized that Morgan Freeman was going to be playing the part of Eleanor Waldorf. It's actually an apt title, because this episode was almost as action-packed as that movie. The action was just less literally explosive. Especially in Chuck's case.

    It's 6 AM and already 14,000 degrees, because to live in NYC in the summer is essentially to live inside an Easy Bake Oven. Because she is an internet doctor as well as an unscrupulous yenta, Gossip Girl has tips to "beat the heat": 1) drink plenty of fluids (Chuck drinks Scotch in his darkened hotel room at 6 AM), 2) stay out of the sun (Jenny stumbles down a Manhattan street with her arms full of shit covered in silver lame), 3) avoid physical activity (Dan and Serena make out in what appears to a church doorway at 6 AM). Nobody ever listens to Gossip Girl...

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  • The Morning After Gossip Girl

    Never Been Marcused

    by Katie Marino September 08, 2008


    Is this show fond of the punny episode titles or what? I imagine Gossip Girl writes each one herself. She loves puns.

    It's the morning after the last episode ended, and Dan and Serena wake up on the beach. Over the course of the night, elves have apparently woven cloth and made Dan a shirt, because he's wearing one now, and Serena put on her dead grandpa's jacket to cover herself up. Rather than putting back on her dress. Because they totally had Sex On the Beach last night. Although neither necessarily wants to "get back together" in a Facebook relationship sense, they both have morning wood and they make out a lot before Serena finally runs away, presumably to go wash the caked mixture of sand and Dan's semen from her inner thighs.

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  • ill conceived

    by Tom Sunnergren September 02, 2008

    Apparently Sarah Palin chose to keep her child despite learning he had down syndrome when he was still in utero.

    Unfortunately it wasn't the first time a republican stubbornly refused to bail on something that was completely retarded from conception.

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  • The Morning After Gossip Girl

    Summer Kind of Wonderful

    by Katie Marino September 02, 2008


    *If anyone feels like Gossip Girl is "too gay" for consumption, he should keep it to himself. I swear to God, if there are any comments about how gay this show is, I will break into the homes of those commenters in the still dead of night and do things so horrible, I haven't even thought of them yet. I know exactly how gay this show is. I watch it. You don't need to tell me.*

    Previously on Gossip Girl: Bart and Lily got married, Dan and Serena broke up, Chuck and Blair got together, Chuck and Blair probably had sex with people who weren't Chuck or Blair, Nate's dad left the country to continue his coke/fraud habit elsewhere, Rufus continued to pretend to be a rock 'n roll star, Jenny got an internship with Waldorf-cum-Parsons, Dan and Vanessa looked like they were going to spend the whole summer together being righteous and annoying, and Nate and Serena met on the street and laughed awkwardly about how they were going to be in the Hamptons all summer, secluding themselves in their respective oceanfront mansions and probably having a lot of sweaty beach sex or whatever rich teenagers do when they're not swimming in their vaults full of gold coins.

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