Walking around campus, you are bound to come across some far out facial hair. Most of the time it's a chin strap here, or a fu manchu there, but sometimes we come across the most distinct "college beards". These are the beards that are usually only grown in college, and should either only be grown there or never at all. These different forms of human facial hair usually cause more distance in the gap between the bearer of the beard and the coveted sororislut. This is something we need to change. Help your fellow student, and let him read this. Maybe even you can learn something about your own filthy hair growths. Let's check out some of these styles: 



     The College Look- The most common form of facial hair seen on college campuses. These are the kids that either don't own a razor, only shave when they go home, or just don't really give a whole lot of thought as to how they appear to the other members of the human race. But it's ok, because nobody cares what their thin, patchy beard looks like. Give it a couple more years and you've got it, but as of now... you don't. 40% of any college campus's male population has this type of facial hair. Any average college student can pull this off.  If you're not a fan of it, get over it, because this shit is everywhere. 



     The High Cheek Beard- A full beard is always nice, but when the hair line is high on the cheek bone instead of under it, there's a bit of a problem. Why do these kids think it's cool to have this creepy looking beard? Your guess is as good as mine. You guys look like you just got out of a makeup chair on the set of Planet of the Apes. Either that or you're closely related to the hairiest known human: Robin Williams. This portion of the bearded population usually includes middle eastern students, jewish students, and the women's rugby team. 



  The Neard- The neck beard(otherwise known as a "neard") is effing sick. Let's just get that out of the way. This thing screams two things:  "white trash" and "I might as well be gay". This sort of thing is like insect repellent for vagina. The white trash boys with a hankering for a beard, but without anywhere near enough actual facial hair for it, make up for that problem with wispy hair on the bottom of their mangy jaw and neck. I can't say I've met a woman that found this style sexy or attractive in any way, but maybe in the deep south this is a popular look. A very small portion of the male population sports this hair-do. Scientists have yet to find a reason why. 



The Adam Morrison Mustache- This style was recently brought into the spotlight of the sporting world when college basketball star Adam Morrison grew one of the weakest mustaches these United States have ever seen. Can we please have a moment of silent reflection to remember those un-friended after the growth of a terrible ?stache?.... Thank you. I'm pretty sure I speak for not just the dude population, but also for the women in America's universities when I say that these are not cool. If I may quote the wise Walter Sobchak, "You're out of your element." You are a boy in a man's world. Shave it off right when you finish reading this article. I don't care if it took you three months to grow out. No amount of time wasted growing that eyesore is worth this humiliation.
  
    The Wispy Burns- These sideburns... Well... They aren't really sideburns. It looks like you just grew out the twenty facial hairs you have to your name. That sad excuse for facial hair is making you look younger than you had hoped. Your fake ID isn't going to work any better when the cashier sees that instead of just being clean shaven, you actually have yet to acquire any true manliness. The wispy burns are usually worn to mask a young age, or to show that you are in fact a man, when you are in fact, still a child. Grab some scissors and cut that shit. Don't use a razor... You haven't earned that privilege yet.

1. When kids skip grades, their classmates torture and harass them until the day of graduation.

2. If you love rock music and hate your mother, you should become a stewardess.

3. In the rock business, even if you look like you're 12, people will believe you're 18. No questions asked.

4. In 1973, writing the article on the cover of Rolling Stone would only net you a thousand bucks.

5. If you are electrocuted by your mic in front of 20,000 horrified fans, you are still expected to finish the show.

6. Tripping on acid with townies is actually a good career move.

7. Even pilots are stoked when they make it out of a thunderstorm alive.

 

Below is a chart containing the reactions of people from different stages in their young lives to certain words. It's amazing how little has changed over the past 15 years.

	Elementary School	Middle School	High School	College
Girls	Ew, cooties!	She is s0o0 hawtt!!1!	Damn, she's hot.	Does she have cooties?
Party	Let's go to Chuck-E-Cheese!	Is it a boy/girl party?!	Are there chaperones?	Let's get drunk at Chuck-E-Cheese
Vacation	Let's dig for treasure on the beach!	Let's go to the beach!	Let's get drunk on the beach!	Let's go on a 7 day binge on the beach!
Clothes	Sweatpants and a t-shirt	Jeans and a t-shirt	Jeans and a Polo	Sweatpants and a t-shirt
Lunch	PB&J and a Capri Sun	Turkey Sandwich and a Capri Sun	Turkey Sandwich and a Soda	PB&J and a PBR

It's like we're all these little kids trapped in these bodies that keep getting fatter and fatter at an alarming rate...