I was in quite a conundrum. Should I save a Sleeve from a different Hot Pocket, so when the time comes, it has a snug little sort of sleeping bag, if you will, to be prepared in? Or should I let nature take its course and heat it without a Sleeve, satisfying the Hot Pocket curiosity that had nearly driven me mad in the past? Well, I left this illegimate Hot Pocket until last, and if you know me, you know I have the foresight of a goldfish, and of course I forgot to save a Crisping Sleeve.

So, Mr. Hot Pocket ventured into the scary microwave world without ever knowing a Hot Pocket's only comfort, as I like to affectionately call it, its Sleevie. I anxiously waited in front of the microwave, body soaking up waves that will probably lead to cancer, for 2 minutes. When I took it out, it had the unattractive appearance and feel of an accountant at the beach. Doughy and pale.

Oh crispy goodness, where are you? Not in this Hot Pocket.
It was edible, but not quite up to par. So yes, I should probably get a Nobel Prize for my work, but I'm still going to Hell for ruining that Hot Pocket, who with a little help could have had so much potential...

The opposite of Christopher Reeve

Christopher Walken

The hardest part about rollerblading

Telling your parents you are gay

A guy dials his home phone number from work when  strange woman answers.

The guy says, “Who is this?”

“This is the maid.”, answered the woman.

“We don’t have a maid!”

“I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.”

“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”

“Ummm…she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.”

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make $50,000?”

“What do I have to do?”

“I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that whore and the jerk she’s with.”

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. “What should I do with the bodies?”

“Throw them in the swimming pool!”

“What pool?” Long pause.

“Uh.. is this 832-4821?”

One is a cunning array of stunts, the other....

Q: Why does Laura Bush have to always be on top?

.

.

A: Because George Bush can only fuck up.

 It can be said that it's the red STAFF tag that makes their add-ins that much funnier, but a few things can't be disputed about these commenters.They're lazier than we are. They're sure as shit funnier than we are. And they get paid to have the fun they do, and for that, we walk in their fuckin shadow.

At that I present, the first Staff Burn Hall of Fame

Coming in 5th place

Next in fourth

Third

A distant second

And the Number one staff burn of all time, while being simultaneously followed by the best comeback ever, shows that CH writiers have a little bit of comedic cannibalism

I'm not talking about the mural-sized testaments to Scarface your testosterone-deprived roommate uses to let the world know he's never been laid. I'm talking about the raving cunts that have inevitably made their way to CH and are trying to ruin the comment feature. It's impossible to go through comments on any picture or video without reading posts from the guy whose cock is so short, he must piss on his own balls.  They achieve their asshole goals of trying to ruin everything through varying methods of douchedom.

First, the insulter (a true BDIU)

Most often coming out when girls have their picture posted, a truly selfless act, the nay-sayer will typically comment  "Ugly.", "Trashy.", or "wtf is that, oh wait its your face." It doesn't bother them that they are only confirming our suspicions that the Douche Bag Poster has a steady, on-going relationship with Miss Michigan. But much worse, by sending a message that they'll feel bad, the commenter only deters other girls from posting themselves. They should not get in the way of hot, totally insecure totally do-able girls from posting themselves up. Not to mention the comment probably has created an insurmountable cock-block for the guys who spend time with these girls, or were the ones who stole the pictures in the first place. These crimes against humanity are also based on lie, as everyone knows this asshole would take less time than a bullet leaving the gun in deciding whether or not to stick it to any of the girls he spews shit about, something he knows he'll never get the chance of doing. In a heartbeat, we all know you would piledrive her upside down while giving a reach-around to a camel if thats what she wanted. Douche bag poster, all you're really trying to do is feel better about yourself after you accidentally came at the part of the porno where the dude's face or shaft came up (something I am almost sure you secretly enjoy).  Looking at you "Scott" and "Tom"

Second, there's this guy.

Being the first to comment "photoshop" or  "first comment" on something doesn't make you suck any less at life. It wasn't even funny or cool the first time, and now at the billionth, its become a psychotic fucking hatred. Get out of your parent's basement and sprint into oncoming traffic.

Third, jealous girl

Sadly, not every girl can be a hero like Sarah Schneider (nicccce). Some choose instead to be like the first asshole who attacks girls getting posted on CH. They do this by either calling them fat, slutty or ugly. When a girl has a hot tattoo on her lower back, it should not be referred to as a "tramp stamp", but rightfully as a  "bullseye". But much like the sorostitute you despearately wish you could be (sororities have standards....), you will go off and attack even the slightest imperfection of another girl. I'm glad engineers have finally designed a keyboard you could use with your sausage-like fingers, but you should get your fat ass up (I'm sure that you've squeezed into way too of tight clothes you got off a skinny-girl that you ate) and waddle off a cliff. Pig.

*Note, if your name is Katie Marino and you're amazingly hilarious commenting on other girls is allowed. Seriously, I have yet to see a better use of Christmas Lights.

Of course, there are other waste-of-life commenters that have been left out (mainly downers), "Graham" seriously please kill yourself. But I'm sure you know them already.