inside all of us... is beer.

What better way to pay homage to Maurice Sendak's timeless work than by dressing up like the main character, getting drunk and throwing up all over yourself? With the recently-released "Wild Things" movie enjoying huge popularity, there are sure to be more than a few homemade Max/wolf costumes this year. It's easy, it's comfortable and it lets the wearer feel edgy and hip without the fear of actually alienating anyone.

Better Suggestion: Build a 12-foot animatronic "Wild Thing" puppet and pay James Gandolfini to record every possible response you would say at a party. Wear the puppet and communicate using only the pre-taped lines.

    Every year has its consistencies the changing of the season, football fever, and the dreaded month of depression we all know as February (Screw Valentines Day). Amongst all of the joys and sorrows there is the month of October. Sure we all know October for Halloween, the German festival of Oktoberfest, but did it ever occur that this span of 31 days is the month that women are the most horny! Through my own experiences and while observing others I have come to the realization that October is the" human mating season." Whether its women have flash backs to high school and want to rekindle that homecoming fling or the weather starts to get cooler and they need to heat things up. October is a time when women need to be satisfied sexually. Other contributions to this phenomenon might include, but are not limited to slutty Halloween costumes, the rapid approach of the holidays and women need a boyfriend to buy them a gift or flaunt to the family.

            Whatever the reason, women tend to desire sex during this month. I know you're thinking people have sex all year round, but October is time that women relinquish their control over sex simply out of pure sexual desire. Is there anything wrong with this, of course not. This goes to prove that women are just like men sexually in that they need to be satisfied. The only difference is guys are willing to relinquish whatever little control we have over sex any time of the day, month, or year. So you're probably asking your self how can this fun fact help me? Well if you are a guy and it's October your chances of having sex are very high. Guys, don't hold back even the cheesiest pickup lines work.. As for the ladies enjoy your month of sexual satisfaction and please don't make us wait the whole calendar year for another month of high sexual promiscuity. The month is nearing a close so get out there for one last night and get yours. Remember people THERE IS ONLY ONE OCTOBER!!!

*Watch this video before reading*  http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1812621

The Beginning:  Huh, that's weird; we haven't stopped at a floor.  I wonder what has happened.  It is probably just a common malfunction.  It'll start up any minute, and I can get back to doing my secretary.  I mean that is why I am at the office at 11 pm.  Perfect plan ever, wife is never gonna know.  As long as I've got time to kill, I am going to count how many condoms I have left for like 10 minutes.  If anyone were to watch the elevator camera video sped up to 10x normal speed, it'll look like I'm doing some sort of magic trick to kill time. 

Hour 1: Yup, the brick wall is still there.  Wait, maybe not.  Yea, no it's definitely still there.  I'll just chill, they're probably calling the fire department right now. 

Hours 22:  Hahahahaha kind of going crazy.  Been alone for about a day.  The secretary probably isn't waiting anymore.  So lame.  If I find out a repairman checked every elevator but this one, I am going to be sooo angry.  God, I've got to go poop so bad.  I've been trying to hold it in by lying down in various positions, fetal was best, but I can't anymore.

Hour: 23:  Maybe I can poop on the roof of this thing.  Oh god, they don't open.  Who the f seals this shit?  Why would you seal an elevator hatch?  What if someone were to get stuck for more than 40 hours in an elevator and had to go poop?  I mean, I'll probably only be in here a few more minutes, but what if?  I've counted and I think I have enough Kleenex to wipe. 

Hour 24: I pooped my pants.  God it smells awful in here.  Not going to lie, it felt really good at first, but now I kind of wish I had held it longer.  Oh well, hindsights 20/20. 

Hour 31:  I am suing the shit out of this place.  The settlement is going to be so huge; they won't be able to reveal how much it is.  I'll be able to retire from making textbooks for this god-forsaken company.  I wish I had some of their paper to wipe myself.  I'll be wiping with 100 dollar bills when I get out of here.  I think I hear people talking in here.

Hour 36: I pooped my pants again.  Doesn't really make sense cause I haven't eaten anything.  At least they won't be able to tell 10 years from now if this video goes viral.  Haha turns out there were people in here with me the whole time.  One is named Jo Ann, she's a struggling actress from L.A. visiting her Aunt.  The other is John, he likes wake boarding.  They both seem really nice; maybe we can hang out after we get through this.

Hour 38:  F! I killed Joann and John.  I am going to prison forever.  I can't believe this.  One minute we were having a nice conversation, and the next they were saying that they couldn't believe I pooed my pants.  I was so embarrassed that I murdered them.  There's blood everywhere.  My life is over.  I was going to win a huge settlement, but instead I am going to prison.  Now I have no one to talk to either.  This is the worst day ever. 

Hour 40:  Alright just act natural, they are never going to know it was me.  I'll just bolt out of here when the elevator opens and head straight for the bathroom. I'll clean the blood off and wipe my butt.  Oh, it's moving.  Ok here goes nothing. 

Hour 41:  *Elevator Operator Enters* Oh god, it smells like shit in here.

Good Heavens!  It appears I have time journeyed to the 22nd century.  I shall explore further. 

As I saunter down the streets, I notice that Negroes are running rampant.  Women appear able to partake in the same activities as men.  HA! Preposterous!  One was even so bold as to become an agent of the law.  Let us see her overcome a red coat!  She would most certainly be raped... repeatedly.

 My throat has become parched from all this nonsensery and so I enter a place of business to quench my thirst.  I enter what appears to be a harlot household filled with minorities.  A giant Negro (Tom?)* stands watch over the door.  Although my natural inclination is to enter a segregated dwelling*, it does not appear as though this is an option.  God save me. 

I have just recovered from my fourth seizure.  My senses have been overloaded from the loud noises, flashing lights (which appears to be very popular to say/sing) and sexual maneuvers that I have encountered.  It is difficult to tell whether men and women are copulating or gyrating to the music.  Methinks the answer is both from the lyrics of the new-fangled hit, "Fornicate in this Club". 

The women here are dancing in very revealing knickers and brassieres. I have not seen dance gyrations such as these since I walked in upon Darqueesha preparing my meal.   I try to avert my eyes but they are everywhere.  My pantaloons have become very tense from watching the dances of these seductresses.  I am quite embarrassed by my forward actions.  I must find a private place to tuck my flesh musket into my undergarments.  If only Jefferson were here, he would go mad in a place with so many women of color. 

Some of the slaves have taken it upon themselves to perform varying shenanigans in a circle of people.  They are pleasing to the eye, but my heart tells me they are of the devil.  I stay away.

A large Negress (Negro princess) has taken me captive.  I do not know where she is taking me...   It appears we have entered an outhouse of sorts and she has begun, if I may be so bold as to reference a song from the music chamber, to "unbutton my pantaloons just a lil' bit."   I am afraid of contracting the Elephant's Scorn from her. 

Call me Ishmael!*  I write this from atop the beast.  I liken her to a beached whale that I continually harpoon despite the fact that I have defeated her.  If Revere were to have me choose, this one is definitely by sea.  But I must focus for... The British are Coming! 

Note: *Indicates anachronistic reference

I've decided that I am going to win your little prize. In fact, I went ahead and took the liberty of writing myself a check for the prize money, and signing it for you, just to save you the hassle of coming back from the dead. I haven't yet decided how I'm going to win it, but with so many categories to choose from I can't imagine it being too difficult. It is in honor of you, sir, that I plan on winning your prize. You see, I have always been a fan of yours. In fact, I've always said they should call it nobelite instead of dynamite; that's far better than having a synthetic element named after you. Here, I'll prove it. Which one of these statements is cooler?

1) "Hey Tom, little is known about nobelium and only small quantities of it have ever been produced. It has no known uses whatsoever outside of the laboratory."

or...

2) "Dude! Did you see that?!? We just blew the hell out of that city and all of its inhabitants with a million pounds of nobelite!!!"

See? I told you. So I'll start spreading the word, and within a few years your name will be much cooler. In the mean time, I'm also going to work on winning one of your prizes. I was thinking of discovering a new element, but it would probably be just as gay as nobelium (no offense), and solving world peace just seems like a big hassle, so instead I think I'll opt for the writing option. That seems like the easiest one, because I can just sit on my ass in front of the computer writing some shit and eating snacks all day. Then next thing you know, BAM, Nobel Prize. I'll need some motivation though, and although being bored is often times the only reason I do things, this one might take a little more creativity. So I've compiled a list of people who have been more bored than me, and what they did to cure their boredom:

1) Jesus Chris: making tables in Bethlehem was so boring that he finally said 'screw this' and started telling people he was the son of some guy named God. Now he's probably the most famous guy in the world.

2) Christopher Columbus: Spain was so boring that he finally said ˜I gotta get out of here. I don't know where, but I'm just gonna get on a boat and go." And then he discovered white people (Americans), the greatest people in the world.

3) Anne Frank: Amsterdam was so boring that she decided to lock herself in an attic just for kicks. Now she's the most famous female Dutch comedian there is.

4) Mr. Ed: being a horse was so boring that he finally said ˜this is lame' and straight up just started talking. Needless to say, he is now the most famous talking horse ever.

5) Michael Jackson: being a rich and famous pop singer was so boring that he started molesting little boys.
*(On second thought, I decided not to use this one.)

6) God: being the only being in existence was so boring that he created the whole universe and everything in it. In fact, now that I think about it, he's probably more famous than Jesus.

7) Napoleon Bonaparte: France was so boring (no joke!) that he decided to take over the world. Thankfully he didn't succeed or we'd all be French. God help us.

8) Willy Wonka: not being allowed to eat candy as a child was so boring that he built the most elaborate candy factory in history. Now he can eat candy every day.

So there you have it, the most influential people of all time. If that's not enough to motivate a guy then I don't know what is! I'll get started on that prize now. Say hi to some dead guys for me!

Sincerely,
Chris

Now I know that this is a pretty rare situation, nevertheless there is going to be a time in your life where you will have to make a decision. Do I go poop with this person on the phone or do I make up a lame excuse and tell them I have to call them back? Now when asked whether one has done this before, the automatic response is denial. Of course, a recent survey says that more than 70% of women and 95% of men have pooped on the phone. My job here today is to provide you with the skills to accomplish this difficult task. Learning this skill will prevent a synapse in your conversation with someone or the damage done to your bowels from trying to hold it in.

Step 1) Walk to the bathroom.

2) Getting your dick sucked is never gay.

3) Anything can be straight if enough money is on the table.

4) Tossing salad is gay either way, but rim jobs are a mystery.

5) Its not gay if it leads to you seeing two girls repeating what you just did, unless you are sober, or the other guy is curious, or you aren’t wearing pants (See Rule 1).

6) Nothing is gay if it is all in the process of running the train on a bitch. (Yes, the high-five must be given upon eye contact otherwise you are sooooo gay.)

7) All cowboys are gay. Jeans rule does not apply.

8) Nothing is gay if you are playing sports. And by sports I mean football. (Note: While the Dallas Cowboys might be gay, they aren’t gay, so this is an exemption to the previous rule.)

9) Whiskey dick by all means is not gay. Unless you are attempting to dirty lawnchair a dude.

10) Nothing is gay in an orgy, even a pink shirt.

11) Wearing a pink shirt because you're “a man” or because you “feel comfortable in it” is 100% gay.

12) Looking at someone in a pink shirt and calling them gay but thinking to yourself that you wouldn’t look that bad in it is more gay than my vocabulary can express.

13) Accidentally getting a slight glance at a man's junk in a locker room isn’t gay, but accidentally gaping at a man's junk in any setting is.

14) Giving a dirty kermit is never gay… it actually feels really good if you can get your balls in also.Seriously, I came in like 5 seconds.

Yesterday, Novemer 5, 2007 - a date which will live in infamy-- my butt was suddenly and deliberately attacked by the nation of Devil's Diner, but more specifically its Grilled cheese and curly fry rebels.

The United States of Me has been at peace with said restaurant and its grilled cheese and curly fries for many moons. Without warning, this enemy created the messiest and most vile poop known to my butt. It has been attacked thrice in the known history of my buttocks, but this massacre far outweighs the rest. Perhaps the damage was so massive because it was a surprise attack. Could we have been better prepared? Yes, but our alert systems told us that this poop would be a standard clean swipe through the combat zones, Code Dark Green. It was not until we had seen the damage done to our first line of troops that we pleaded with God to save us and raised the terror alert.

The USM had no choice but to take drastic measures to ensure the safety of my butt and prevent rashes from these Weapons of Mass Defecation. It was a tough battle, but thanks to the endless ammunition provided by the dormitory bathrooms, we were able to quell the revolution that had taken place.

Now, it may be difficult to gauge how large this attack was; this should put it into perspective. It took nearly 50 wipes at the enemy with quadruple plied ammunition. Even after the 50 primary wipes, there was still rebellion. We had beat the enemy on the port side of my buttocks. However the starboard side was more heavily attacked. Pearl Harbor (the name of the battle site) had no choice but to give up after the said 50 wipes. The enemy was left to fester andit was not until reinforcements arrived that we were able to completely destroy our adversaries. The reinforcements were in the form of shower and much more toilet paper. (Everyone knows you get all the leftover poop out when its been moistened by a shower.)

We will try to rebuild as best we can, but it will be a difficult and arduous process. We will be very sore for a few days and it will take patience to regain the trust that the grilled cheese and curly fries have taken from us. Our color coded alert system has moved to brown,second only to Code Red,and we will be on guard for all messy poops to come in the near future. I hope that one day we will be able to confidently return to our "Two Wipe" motto. As for right now, we have only to wait and see whether these terrorists return.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. If it were not for them, my butt may not have made it through these trying and mildly bloody times.

The following is a helpful compilation of what people with certain majors do at parties. Undecided students can consult this list to gain insight into their likely future educational and career path. Doing so can guide you to the major that you will inevitably declare, and perhaps allow you to do so before your first grandchild is born.

• Marketing- When people complain that the party isn’t what you promised, you tell them about another party that’s twice as fun at half the price.

• Sociology- More focused on what social sphere the people you are talking to are from and how society shaped their personalities rather than remembering their names

• Pre Med- You’re waiting for people to black out so they can convince the nursing students to take care of them and then take the credit.

• Art- You’re focused upon the essence of the party and how the visual themes convey something profound about life. You may spend two hours looking at a bottle cap to decipher what it means.

• Poly Science- You’re just sitting there waiting for something, anything, to happen so you can analyze it. Later, once the keg is kicked you’ll be able to give no less than forty reasons to explain why, most inferring that it was the people’s fault.

• Pre Law- If you jump the fence at the first sign of trouble consider Pre-Law. Other party goers should take their example and head out seeing as you have the perfect decoys.

• Finance- You collect money for beer with the promise that people that chip in will get a return on their investment. Often rely on marketing majors to help secure funds and to rip people off.

• Early Childhood Development- If you’re a woman, you’re trying to find a husband. If you’re a man you’re trying to find a husband.

• Computer Science- Like the Music major you’re hanging around the computer looking at the music selection. Unlike the music major you are not there to choose music, but you are there to insure that the latest version of I-Tunes is running.

• Creative Writing Majors and Actors- Convincing the party goers to “finance” your next project, you flake out on the party after several rejections.

• History- “How cool was high school?” I’m sure you have the answer. Also there is a good chance you’ll debate with the Poly Sci kids about the keg running out. Obviously the demise of the keg was inevitable regardless of the people at the party, you then leave to read up on the subject.

• Biology- Contemplating what effects the numerous drugs and alcohol are having on your body.

• Engineering- Fixing the kegtap with duct tape and WD40.

• Advertising- You got the people to the party, way to go. Now you’re unsure what you should do, so you invite more people.

• Accounting- Explaining to the owner of the house how they will end up losing money if they get any thing else to drink for the party goers. Nine times out of ten you’ll be told to shove off.

• Management- You’re one of the party hosts, and you’re telling your friends to pick up after themselves and when to buy more cups.

• Any Foreign Language- Using your language skills to act like an exchange student and hitting on them with your accent. Strangely, you find it easy till you run into an actual exchange student. Embarrassed, you ask marketing/advertising major about other parties.

• Film- You hit on girls with the line “You would be perfect for a part in my next movie.” Unless it’s a cast party, this line will still be falling flat even after the keg is flat.

• Architecture- Shouldn’t be at a party. Go home and build that house out of popsicle sticks. You may be called upon to supervise the carving of the ice luge though.

• Philosophy- You analyze what it really means to be “at” the party. Upon failing to determine this, you consider what a party really is.

• Psychology- Remember that guy didn’t turn you down because he didn’t like you, he did so because of their mother.

Hopefully this helped you guys out. If not consult a guidance counselor. Just kidding, but not really.

Don’t: bother your parents by calling them.This is just as much a growing experience for them as it is you.They must learn to keep tabs on you by checking your credit card statements and ATM transactions.Limit the withdrawals at liquor stores.

Don’t: buy your books on time, wait it out until you’re sure need them, like during finals.

Don’t: be a myspace junkie, college is for facebook junkies.Other acceptable internet usage includes; going to humor websites and putting questionable pictures as your roommate’s background image.

Don’t: move in all at once, take your time.It’s better to have you stuff slowly shipped out over the semester.It will give your parents something to do.

Don’t: wear a wife beater without saying “brau.” They go together like Steven Segal and a ponytail.

Don’t: break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend from back home. Just call me a romantic.Being surrounded by thousands of good looking, young people for four years won’t tempt you away from your relationship of six months.

Do: stay in on Fridays to just talk to your RA, to get to know him/her better.It’s a good call.Meeting new people is a waste of time.

Do: realize that you’ll end up getting caught drinking.Better to do it on your own terms, get busted sneaking a keg into your dorm the first week.

Do: change your hairstyle based on your major. If you’re undeclared let it grow so when you choose your major you can change your hair style fittingly.For example, art majors, the more over the top the better, but no earth tones.If you’re a business major, you’ll need something conservative, you’d better start growing those dreadlocks.

Do: become a Lohanite.I mean Lindsey Lohan may not have ’ brains or street cread, but she was in Herbie.

Do: post picks of yourself drinking and participating in other illegal activities so ASU can bust you.

Gender Specific Rules

Girls: Do sleep with a loser Junior the first week, just because he’s a Junior.

Girls: Do make friends with that weird guy in your dorm without a roommate.You never know when you’ll need the extra closet space.Plus, it’s nice to have creepy admiration.

Girls: Do wear lingerie to class. It’s important to stay classy.

Guys: Don’t be ashamed when you inevitably pick up an easily treatable disease. Remember, you’re not a real man till you get scurvy.

Guys: Do memorize and constantly quote “300.”Be sure to dress appropriately.

Guys: Don’t brag about how many women you’ve been with.If asked simply tell them that you have been with nineteen and a half. It’s the half that will make your reputation.

• Example #1: In his article "My Thoughts And Actions Before, During, And After I Take A Crap," Jon tries and fails horribly at anthropomorphizing his asshole in response to the better written and better-know article by Matt, "A Conversation Between A Tongue and A Penis." Beyond this pseudo-original complete lack of comedy, he also sees the need to interject about power ranger underpants. This not only shows his mental age to be on the same wavelength as a grade-school dropout from '94, but also that he has poor taste. Kudos Jon, you suck at life.

• Example #2: In another feeble attempt at wit, "To goith by land or to goith by air?"  Jon  shows us that he is not just an everyday internet jerkoff, but indeed a class 'A'  moran. Grammatical errors, while endearing and comedic to a young child, as a collegiate student posting on the internet, you do not incite endearment but rather hatred and blood-lust in all that read your blatant idiocy.

• Example #3: Katie Marino has not once posted a comment on any of your articles, none of the CH staff has for that matter.