Fear not, however, your college has anticipated your needs and laid out a host of exciting employment opportunities. Well, not ideal opportunities. Actually, for the most part they're probably excuses to assign you the kind of menial tasks usually reserved for illegal immigrants and crazy veterans. After all these are the inventors of the textbook buy-back scam.

Still, you could take that job at the rec center desk... but be warned that your time will be evenly divided between finishing your class work early and gawking at sweaty members of the opposite sex. I think you'll agree that you deserve better.

Better to hold out for one of these jobs uniquely suited to your skill set:

1. Experimental Facial Hair Grower (males only, Kendra)

Group of amateur enthusiasts bent on solving the pressing questions of our day: Are all goatees douchey? At what point does a full beard cross the line from awesome to pedophiley; from pedophiley to saintly.

- Realization that you won't be able to get hired for any other job until May

Me: Ugh, please stop.

Alarm Clock: Don't give me that sh*t, college boy. You've been working for two months and you're still incapable of waking up early like a normal working person? What are you going to do when you graduate?

Pillow: He probably won't find a job anyway.

Curtains: Hey boss, want me to pull up for the day?

Me: Please, no. Just let me sleep for 7 more minutes.

Alarm Clock: No. You hit snooze 6 times yesterday, we are not starting this again. Go ahead curtains, let him have it.

Me: Arrrrrgh!

Sun: Morning you lil' bitch! Yeah, got my sh*t all up in them eyes, how you like that!?

Alarm Clock: 9,900 DEGREES, THAT'S WHY THEY CALL HIM MR. FARENHEIT!

Me: OK, fine, I'm up, I'm up.

A medium of communication (as newspapers, radio, or television) that is designed to reach the mass of the people? Nope. Definitely not us. Try CNN.

Apparently doing this is as dangerous as dumping a bucket of uranium over your head. Uranium comes in buckets right?

3. They try to convince me that absolutely ridiculous ideas are true.

Don't worry, it's supposed to be like that. That's how polarbears travel.

Except we only like Republicans

With the economic crisis in full bloom, hundreds of people are being laid off on a daily basis. Having nothing better to do with their lives, these ex-workers are turning to World of Warcraft. With already 11.5 million users worldwide, this growth in numbers puts the game in a position to take over the world.

I have seen the future, and it is disturbing.

The following screenshot is a forecast of a what a certain popular website will look like in three years - when a full third of the internet's users are Warcraft nerds. The text has been extracted from existing gaming forums and as you can see...it's not pretty.

Technically I'm supposed to be writing a paper right now, but I just spent the last 20 minutes discovering the "Best of Craigslist" and stumbled upon the greatest public bathroom story ever. I don't claim authorship of the following, but I thought I'd share it with you anyway - because who doesn't love a good shit story?  It's pretty long, but very worth the read.

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Dear Best Buy #305,

This Letter of Apology is not only for the staff at the Best Buy #305 in Schaumburg, Illinois, but also to the gentleman in the middle stall in the men's restroom at about 5:17 CST on Saturday, January 31st. You had been in there for awhile, so this Letter of Apology is as much for you. Please let me expand...

I recently finished reading The Chris Farley Show (I strongly recommend this book for everyone) and have been wanting to buy SNL's Best of Chris Farley. After my fiancee's grandmother's 90th birthday party in the northwest suburbs (very lovely gathering, by the way) Saturday late afternoon/early evening, I decide to stop by and buy it. Right away, I find the last one on the shelf as my fiancée is looking for other "bargains," and I pass it to her when I realize my stomach is rumbling. I decide to take a trip to the men's room in search of a better life for myself. That's when complications began to arise.

As I walk towards the men's room, a mother is telling her son "it's okay, use the bathroom, I'll be right here" or something like that. I remember being that age (about 7-9) and public bathrooms were not your friend. I walk in just behind the little boy and see him glance at the urinal for a brief second - and then he walks to the rear stall. DAMMIT!! The middle stall is taken, and I think pooping in a urinal on a Saturday afternoon is a felony in most states. I sigh, leave, and take a couple of more (fast) laps around all of the movies and Wii games.

I return to the restroom about four minutes and ten seconds later, and the rear stall is now open. PAYDIRT!!! The middle stall is still occupied by the same dude as before (I can tell by seeing the same shoes and pants on the floor underneath the door). I actually think to myself, "that sucks, poor guy." After wiping the toilet seat, I sit down and take a refreshing and cleansing poo. Things are looking up in life again.

I go to flush the toilet and sneer at how ugly it looks in there. It's bad. Really bad. It is actually too gross for me to follow-through on taking a picture of it and texting it to my friend Steve.

Anyway, here is where things went awry. Very. I flush the toilet. Bubble. Bubbling. Rumbling. Uh-oh. The water rises a little. Please go down. Please. The water rises a little more. Nervousness settles in. Quickly. Shit. Dammit. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Stop the water. Industrial toilet. It's not an option. WTF. Shit. Please go down. Water still rising. Not going down. Really bad. 1" to go. Fuck Fuck Fuck. Please just stop. 1/2" left. Time to think of an exit strategy. Water overflows. Well, I guess you can call it water, but it doesn't really look like water anymore. And, I just remember about the poor guy in the middle stall. Stay calm. And get out of there. Now.

"Watch your feet, dude, I'll get somebody quick." I said it as calm as I possibly could.

I almost immediately find a Best Buy employee: "I just wanted you to know that a toilet is overflowing in the men's restroom, and you're going to want to get somebody in there quick."

This is kind of what I imagine the aftermath looked like.

I find my fiancée almost immediately. I walk very (very) fast towards her. "Can you get the movies? I'll get the car." She knows something is wrong. Very wrong. I guess I won't argue with her buying Forgetting Sarah Marshall, then. I go to the car and circle around the parking lot for about eight minutes. I am hoping that the guy from the middle stall isn't scouring the parking lot yet for the guy with brown hair in the black pullover and dark green vest. My fiancée walks out, she jumps in, and I speed away as fast as a 5 MPH speed limit in a parking lot permits.

So, please accept my apology, the guy in the middle stall, and also the fine employees at the Best Buy #305. I sincerely apologize for any heartache, headaches, and pain I may have caused you. And for ruining your weekend. Every time I watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall with my lovely soon-to-be wife, a special cloud of guilt will hang over my head for you.

Sincerely,

Anonymous.