Brown

If Sitcoms Were Real

Bill, a paunchy middle-aged man, eats breakfast with his young, thin wife Mandy.Bill: Maybe I'll finally clean out the rain gutters this weekend.Mandy: Right, and I'll do cartwheels on the moon!Laugh track plays. Their wacky neighbor...

Famous Novelists' Letters Home From College

Henry David Thoreau:Special thanks to the exceptionally well-coiffed Jake Klocksien.

Simple Ways to Slack Off at Work

Some people think that slacking off at work means concocting elaborate alibis about mysterious recurring dental ailments just to cautiously sneak out a few precious minutes early. These people are wrong. Slacking off can be as easy as falling off...

Your Politically Active Friend

College Graduation:"Let's get drunk!"

Mythical Creature Convention

Moviegoing: An Epic Quest

THE DEADLY CHOICEJust when you think you're home free, a new obstacle presents itself. It's time to choose a seat. You must strike the delicate balance between two evils: the neck-breaking front row, or so far in the back that you're in the front...

Your Dreamcatcher

Caldwell Tanner puts the "chill" in "CH Illustrator."

Camp Counselor Buddy Jones Gives a Pep Talk

Gather 'round, kiddos! We've got a choice for afternoon activity. Softball with Pete or Arts and Crafts with Bianca. If you want softball, raise your hand. Hands down. Arts and Crafts, raise your hand. Anyone? Well, okay, don't cheer yet. That was...

Guy Who Robbed a Liquor Store Last Night Talks to His Buddies

Friend 1: Hey, did you guys hear about the liquor store on Main?Friend 2: No, what happened?GWRALSLN (a second after Friend 2): No, what happened?Friend 3: Oh, I heard about that. Apparently some guy just ran in at like 10 last night in a ski mask...

If You Had a Time Machine

You've put a lot of thought into it, and here are the top 5 times you would go back to:1. The first time you met your freshman roommate.Why: Little did you know on that fateful day that he would take "sure, I guess country music's alright" as...

Survivorman

The Survivorman episodes I would actually watch: Survivorman goes to prison: 1) Where I keep my razor blades 2) Keeping your head down in the cafeteria 3) Survivorman asserts his masculinity 4) Survivorman learns a...

Drunken posts from my roommate

First post ever - "she's got one leg.""-easier access."I CAN BE YOUR HERO BAAAYBEEEEY....I CAN KISS AWAY YOUR PAAAAINhahaha MY MOM IS IMMORTALIZED VIA FACEBOOK never take that down pleeease.ps why am i posting on your wall when im sitting on your...

7 Best History Channel Apocalypse Specials (and what they mean to you)

THE NEXT ICE AGEThe glaciers are constantly moving, no seriously, they are. The world is going to flip its shit and go all Greenland style. Greenland isn't the nice one, Iceland is, Vikings were mildly retarded publicists. So...long story...

My open letter to Wild Turkey 101 proof

Wild Turkey,How many things have I punched under your influence?  People, doors, ceilings, walls, a mirror that one time.  How many people have I sloppily made out with in public?  Lets not get into specifics.Just think how many...

Slogan Shuffle

kleenex, good til the last dropDurex. Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you dont.Monistat. An army of one.O.B. The quicker picker upper.Charmin. See what brown can do for you.Nipples. Strong enough for men, made for women.AK-47s. another...