I must be frank, to say the least;
Your music taste's quite bland
Which is why I must inquire
If you're familiar with the band

You mean to claim you have not heard
This grand musical treasure?
My poor dear sir, you've been deprived
Of certain aural pleasure!

This fabled group of which I speak
Is far superior
To any band that does reside
In your iTunes interior

I suppose it's understandable,
This faction's anonymity
For the public could not stomach
Their raw talent and ability

The label "indie," I confess
Appears to me obscene
For you see, compared to them,
Indie is mainstream

I could expound for hours
On their lyrical invention
Yet my words would do no justice;
They're beyond your comprehension

They no longer use pronouns or verbs -
Grammar's too commercialized
They communicate in gestures -
Sheer brilliance they've devised

What's that you say? You heard their song,
When at Jill's house you stayed?
Now that you mention it, I feel
They're way too overplayed.

Here you go, Murphy. The Big Show. 12 years of medical school have come to this.  Sure, there have been mishaps in the past, but this man is counting on you to bring him home safely.  It’s your time to shine, so slap on your gloves and get going.  Shoot!  Did I just get a paper cut from latex?? Forget it. Focus.

You've rehearsed this before.  Make the primary incision. Not with your fingernail. Ask the nurse for a scalpel. What does she mean we’re out of scalpels? There’s a scalpel shortage? In a hospital? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.  Fine. Fine. Pull yourself together, dammit. Remember your training. You’ll just have to improvise. The nurse has a Swiss Army Knife. It’ll have to do.  Eww, there’s bits of cheese on it.  How am I supposed to work with this?  No matter.  Just visualize. New heart for Mr. Johnson.  New heart for Mr. Johnson. New heart for----OK, who the hell is playing Andrew W.K. in the OR??  Seriously, this is ridiculous.

Make $1000 a day at home!!! – Shirley’s son, Michael – you met him at Ruth’s wedding – well he’s becoming a cardiologist. What have you been doing these last few days?

FrEE viAGrA!!!! – I know, I know, you don’t need it. All I’m saying is, try it. Fine, give it your brother then, what do I know? I'm just an old woman.

Be Debt Free in 1 month!! – Look at all these bills!! This is why I told you to cut out those coupons from Sunday’s paper. You wouldn’t be in this mess if you had just listened to me. You’ve made your father very disappointed.

100% FREE XXX WEBCAMS!! – Why haven’t you found yourself a nice girl yet? That Laura was really special. Yes, I know, she was interested in Maureen, but still you could have tried harder. Any girl would be lucky to have you. They always tell me how good looking you are.

Samir is a Nigerian infant. You can help feed him with just your credit card number. – See how thin he is? All skin and bones! He just needs a little nosh. I’m sure your sister would be happy to help. She was always the kind one.