2) "I love funny guys"

First of all, women generally look for three things in a guy, in this order- Confidence, attractiveness, and the other women he's slept with. Besides, most girls will tell you they know whether they'd sleep with a guy within the first five seconds of meeting him, and unless you're blurting out a knock-knock joke in that time, there's no way humor factors in.

Second of all, when they say funny, they don't mean actually funny. Ever watch your favorite stand-up comedian along with a girl? No, because if you leave it on for more than five seconds they'll demand you change the channel to What Not To Wear. "Girl funny" means only one thing- making fun of women besides them- and they reserve that spot on their roster for the Gay Guy Friend, anyway.

3) "I love video games!"

No, you like playing Mario Party, Super Smash Bros, and Mario Kart. Unless you play with a guy who is willing to use any skill beyond just button-mashing (read: all of us) in which case you'll get bored after six minutes and quit.

"I'm confused...which button changes the channel?"

4) "I'm totally like a man when it comes to hooking up, I can do it and never see them again. I know! It's weird."

It's not true. But if it was true, it would only because they didn't get enough attention from their daddies. But it's not true.

5) "Ugh, I'm sorry I said that, I was totally PMS-ing."

According to the only source I'm willing to look up, PMS only significantly affects 2-5% of women. So a more accurate explanation would be, "Ugh, I'm sorry I said that, but at the time I was having trouble hiding the fact that I am a gigantic bitch."

6) "I can tell you how big a guy is, just by looking at the size of his hands/feet/nose/car/"

This psuedoscience needs to stop. Everyone should know the only way to know the size of a guy's weenie is to see it for yourself. Or you could just ask him, I'm sure he'd give you an honest answer.

7) "My boyfriend likes watching Sex and the City with me, he just doesn't want his friends to know."

Your boyfriend is willing to bank on you being horny after watching Sex and The City, which is the female equivalent to hardcore porn. It's worth it to him, so long as his friends won't make fun of him.

8) "I'm a total dude. Whenever I watch football with my guy friends they say I make so many comments!

Yeah about that...that might not be a compliment.

"But they say I'm just like Rachel Nichols!"

"For the last time, Erin Andrews is busy covering something else."

Definitely not a compliment.

"I was the one who started the saying "and then I found 5 dollars. I swear dude, cuz like one time I was telling a bad story and no one laughed-

"Like this one."

"Yeah, and then I remembered I'd found a fiver in my couch that day, and I brought it up, and then everyone thought it was great and it just like, caught on.

Overconfident Friend:

"Let the bouncer try to kick me out, I could take that guy any day."

"He weighs 300 lbs., easy."

"So he is fat and slow, I'd duck a few punches and attack when he's tired, quick like a fucking cat."

"You have the build of Woody Allen. And not Annie Hall Woody, like current Woody Allen. Besides, you slipped on ice today and made me carry you the rest of the way home. I think you were crying a little, too."

"So what? That's ice, you can't beat ice in a fight. I'm not fire. Idiot."

Overemotional Friend:

"Yo, maybe it's the Smirnoff Ice talking, but you guys are the best. You are always there to pick me up when I fall, through my highs and lows- I know I never tell you this, but I love you guys."

"You ALWAYS tell us that."

"In the words of the Dave Matthews Band..."

Girl Friend:

"And then she was all talking to me like I had said something, but I was talking about her friend and not her, but if she is going to say that I was talking about her than hell yeah I will talk about that bitch, I will talk about her until-"

"Why are we friends?"

"You want to have sex with me."

"Oh yeah."

One Upper:

"So today I was chilling in like the longest bank line, it literally took 25 minutes-"

"Yeah last time I was at the bank it took me 40."

"Right. So anyway, in line I met this chick who was hot, she must have had full C cups"

"Hey yeah! When I was waiting there were these 2 chicks, 4 D's between them"

"...Okay. So, all of a sudden this girl starts talking me up in line-"

"And they were sisters, twins, and I boinked both of them in their Boxter right in the parking lot with the top down."

"Did you have a lot of siblings who got more attention than you as a child, or something?"

"Dude I had like 50 siblings, at least."

Man's Best Friend:

"Bark! Ruff! Ruff! Bark! Etc!"

"Whosagoodboy?! Whosagoodboy?! Areyouagoodboy?! Yessyouare! Yessyouare!"

"[shits on your floor]"

"Okay, time to put you down."

Though they have changed their main character's name, the story seems eerily familiar. Maybe it's because it is a longer rendition of their Facebook status. Come on, we all know you are writing your life verbatim, which makes reading about Uncle Jeff touching the narrator that much more awkward for the rest of the class. I understand that taking this class might be cheaper than therapy, but in therapy at least you probably won't have to defend yourself as a reliable narrator or not.

Excerpt: "Shmichael Shmo'Reilly liked to pretend he was a tough guy, but in reality, even as he writes this, he is crying while masturbating to pictures of his ex-girlfriend."

Me: Hey, sorry to bother you. I have no idea how I got here, but-

 

Tom: Why if isn't my crazy cousin Mike! Come in! (Studio audience cheers wildly)

 

Me: ...I don't exactly get what's going on here.

 

Tom: Yeah Mike, after those drugs you did in the 90s, I'd be surprised if you ever know what's going on (Ha ha!)

 

Me: Seriously though, how do I know you?

 

Tom: See what I mean? (Ha ha ha) So lay it onme cuz.  How long do you need a room this time? A week? A month? Until the police dogs forget your scent? (Smells me.) That should be a while. (Haha ha clap clap ha ha)

 

Me: What the hell?

 

Sarah: Tom honey, who's at the door? If it's the Jehova's witness people tell them we already have a religion, and that you don't look good in a suit anyway.

 

Tom: No, Sarah, look! It's my wild cousin Mike looking to crash with us for a while.

 

Sarah: (surprised)Oh, so it is. Hello Mike, how was the commune.

 

Me: Um, good. I guess.

 

Sarah: Oh, interesting. Tom, go grab some pizza and a beer, I'll help Mike bring in his things.

 

Tom: Pizza and beer! Don't have to tell me twice!

 

Sarah: So Mike, you decided to come back, even despite what happened with us before Tom and me got married (Ooooooh...)

 

Me:  Holy cow, wait a minute, I get it! I can't swear, there's canned laughter every time someone references pop culture, my cousin is a fat slob with an inexplicablyhot wife... I'm guest starring in a sitcom!

 

Sarah: Are you on mushrooms Mike, because I'll have you know I don't approve of drugs in my household. Except of course my happy pills for when the kids get too rowdy.

 

Me: Right, right, depression, hilarious. So what's the deal, am I going to get to plow you or what?

 

Sarah: Mike, you're still a dog! (Slaps me) And I always liked that about you! (Kisses passionately without tongue) Meet me, broom closet, at midnight, tonight! (Storms off, audience collectively shits themselves)

 

Me: Wow, that was one crazy bitch. I can say bitch? Weird.

 

Jeff: Uncle Mike!

 

Me: Hey little buddy, you must be the disappointing son in the family. Are you a miscreant? Too fat? Gay?

 

Jeff: My dad says you're a dirty hippy. I like hippies though, they wear the coolest bell bottoms!

 

Me: Definitely gay.

 

Jeff: I'm gonna go play with Mommy's bad girl toys! (Jeff scampers out, Dianne walks in)

 

Me: You guys really have this entering and leaving timing down.

 

Dianne: So my mom told me about you. She says you're a bad man and I shouldn't talk to you. Oops.

 

Me: Are you the slutty 16 year old girl?

 

Dianne: I'll be whatever you want me to be. Sorry, I dropped something. Let me get it. (Bends over in a short enough skirt for a casual viewer to beat off)

 

Me: Thank you producers. Thank you.

 

Dianne: Meet me tonight, at midnight, in the broom closet. I'll be there. (She walks up the stairs, her skirt flying up masturbationally)

 

Me: So if that's theconflict, and I'm alone right now...please let me bone someone before the commercial break. (Jeff walks in)

 

Jeff:  By the way, you know that broom closet at the end of the hall?

 

Me: Oh you guys are assholes.

Please hold, a representative will be with you shortly. You are 7th in line.

Devlgrl69: Oooh, cum on, I cant wait much longer for u. Ur serving so many u bettr be good.

(45 minutes later)

You are now connected with the representative Venkatnu_144344.

Devlgrl69: Are there really 144,343 other Venkatnus on Dell chat support?

Venkatnu: Yes. Thank you for contacting Dell Premium Support. My name is Venkatnu Singh. How may I assist you today?

Devlgrl69: You can assist me out of these jeans lol. O no, I forgot to wear pnties! im so bad.

Venkatnu: This problem I can assist you with. What it is it you mean by when you say that you forgot to wear "pnties!" please?

Devlgrl69: Well actually, I m wearin a black lace thong. Would you like to take it off for me?

Venkatnu: This problem I can assist you with. How is it would be the best way to remove this appendage from your's system?

Devlgrl69: How about ur teeth hehe.

Venkatnu: I would be most happy to help you in this way. First I need you tell me, what is the name on the account, the address, the phone number, your service tag, your weight in kg, and the last 4 digits of the social security number?

Then: Most likely to succeed

Now: Most likely to share with you ways in which they've succeeded

Then: Party animal

Now: High school guidance counselor

Then: Most likely to become a Hollywood actress

Now: Most likely to be "Topless Sunbather 7" in a pay-per-view

Guy Standing 2 Feet From The Mirror: Sorry Champ, I would, but I was just about to pick them up and hold them at a 90 degree angle so I can stare at my taught bicep for the next 20 minutes or so.

Me: Oh, it's okay. Great decision cutting the sleeves off that t-shirt, by the way. And continuing it all the way down to your stomach, so everyone can see your whole upper body, just great decisions all around.

GS2FFTM: Yeah man! That's why I cut the sleeves off everything. You should check out this new leather jacket I got.

Me: Yeah,sounds sweet. I think I'll just go work my legs.

Middle-aged Woman: Not on this machine you won't! I've been sitting here all morning at the leg press, with 15 lbs. on it, and I don't plan on getting up until my legs look like they did in high school.

Me: Maybe you should try lifting it a few times. Forget it, I'll go bench.

Spotter: DUDE I HEARD THE WORD BENCH! LET'S DO IT! LET'S BRING THE PAIN BABY!

Me: Who are you?

Spotter: I'M THE OVER-ENTHUSIASTIC SPOTTER DUDE! NOW LESS TALK MORE BENCH!

Me: I was actually planning on just doing a bunch of reps. Ya know, build up some endurance.

Spotter: SHUTUP STOP BEING GAY! GET DOWN THERE AND BENCH! DO IT!

Me: Why do you have to scream all the time?!

Spotter: INSECURITY! NOW BENCH FAG BENCH! MAX OUT! MAX OUT!

(70 Year Old Man walks over)

Old Man: Sunny you're pressing that iron all wrong. You've been doing everything wrong, and that's why I've been sitting here glaring at you as you've moved from exercise to exercise. You kiddies walk around here, thinking you can do anything, with your young muscles, your thick bones, your creamy, sweet thighs.

Me: I'm really just doing it how the trainer told me to do it.

Old Man: You don't know dick squat about bulking up. You need to keep your back straight, your eyes on the bar, and your sweet sweet buttocks clenched. You know what, step aside and let me give this a good ol' try.

Me: You sure? You weigh like 135 lbs, and most of that is just in extra skin flaps.

(Old Man tries to lift the bar)

*crack*

Old Man: AAAAAH!!!

Me: Are you okay?

Old Dude: See? This is the good stuff, oh yeah. You can tell it's a good burn when you can't stand up, you're crying, and you crap yourself. I might've done that earlier, actually.

Spotter: YEAH BRO! 2 MORE! JUST 2 MORE BRO YOU GOT THIS!

Me: Well,the woman sitting at the leg press machine just got up, so I think I'm gonna go hit that up...

Old Man: Okay boy-o, don't worry about me, I'll be fine. In fact, I feel good enough to spend the rest of the day loitering naked in front of your locker.

ME: Hey Jen Jen, long time no talk right? I mean it's just that we knew each other waaaay back when, and i saw you on Facebook chat, I thought I'd give you a holla

ME: I think it was like In like middle school or something. We had a class together. I think we both were doin some mad flirtin back then. We were still lil and everything so it would've ended up in a handjob at best, but still thought itd be fun to talk bout.

ME: So yeah, thought I'd just catch up, cuz we're like the only 2 people up at 3:30 in the morning, ha ha.

ME: ...I mean I just got back from going out

ME: To this party

Jenny: ...and me and her used to be good friends, too, till it turned out she is a complete and total psycho bitch.
Tim: So you two really had a falling out?
Jenny: No, it's so funny, she totally thinks we're best friends still, but I don't even return her calls half the time. I let her leave these long messages and play them on speakerphone for the rest of the girls to make fun of. She's such a bitch though.
Tim: Right.
(Waiter comes out, with the chef in tow)
Waiter: How did you enjoy your Tuscani pasta this evening?
Jenny: It was fine. (looks at almost full plate) I just wasn't that hungry, I guess.
Tim: Yeah, same here. we must have filled up on appetizers.
Waiter: Well, we have a surprise for you- That pasta wasn't cooked by the chef at all. You were just eating Pizza Hut's new Tuscani Pasta!
(In walk 10 pizza delivery guys with smiles on their faces and the restaurant inexplicably bursts into applause)
Chef: I didn't do anything tonight! Haha!
Jenny: ...What? I thought you were taking me to a nice restaurant. Did you seriously just take me out to a "Hut?"
Tim: I didn't know-
Jenny: I mine as well have just picked up some DiGorno on the way to your place.
Tim: You just said you liked it.
Jenny: How could I like it? It tasted like microwaved Play-Doh. I was just being polite.
Tim: Listen, I'm sorry. How about you let me make it up to you. I rented Notting Hill, I remembered you saying you liked that one character that Hugh Grant always plays. We can watch it at my place?
Jenny: Forget it, you probably recorded it off of TBS or something. I was going to pretend like I drank too much wine and sleep with you, too. Your loss. Bye.
(Jenny storms off)
Tim: Thanks a lot, assholes.
Waiter: I'm very sorry about that. Can we make it up to you with a complimentary plate of N' Fuego Buffalo Wings or Mamma Mia Mastacolli?

So, the other day I said to my sherpa, " My silly little Tenzing II, I think you're so fucking wrong on two counts. One: I do think it's wise to continue up through ˜Crag-Country' as you call it, whiteout or no whiteout. And two: it just doesn't make sense to keep drinking water, when it's positively freezing out here, so here's your Garfield canteen back, my friend, I won't be needing that anymore."

Guess what happened? Tenzing II, on his 64 mile solo trek back to base-camp, was obviously torn asunder by a bloodthirsty pack of high altitude mountain wolves consisting of all alphas, while I went forth towards a remarkable discovery.

"I'm so thirsty", I cried out as I internally cursed Tenzing II for his insistence on getting me hooked on water. "Bastard Tenzing II!" was the last thing I said before I decided against my will to fall backwards, shut my eyes and stop breathing.

I awoke. My eyes were ruined from forty-seven straight hours of snowfall accumulation on my lids, but I was alive. I couldn't make out my surroundings. I could smell pineapple, vanilla, and cheese steak. What little sensation my dead lenses provided allowed me to, like a dullard, become fixated on the flecks of shimmering light that danced across the walls of a cave. As I lay there, blind, drooling, naked, with a chub, he spoke to me.

"I see you're awake."

"Who's there goddamn it?! Tenzing II?! Come here you bastard, I'm going to fucking kill you till your dead!"

"Child, your wrath will need to go unsatisfied. I've been told by the jeweled snow lark that you're friend has already perished."

Completely blown away, I blurted, "Sweet Jesus... you can talk to snow larks?"

"Yes"

"Who the hell are you, what is this place"

"This is Shambala, and I am The Hedgehog"

"The Hedgehog... The Hedgehog, from the Hedgehog Porks Houston... Ron Jeremy?"

"Yes, Ron Jeremy."

"Oh my God, we all thought you were dead"

"Spiritually, I was, corporeally, I have been alive since birth"

"No shit, so listen, can you unfasten these restraints you've got around all my nooks and crannies, and maybe help me get outta here".

"Sure, let me just get some bolt cutters"

"Man, Ron Jeremy, wow, this is really shocking."

"Here we go, there's are a little rusty, as you can see from all the skeletons shackled to the wall, I don't usually let people go, cause nobody really asks, but let's just give these a try and..."

"Watch the chub, dude"

"Been."

"Yuck it up"

"Anyway, so what were you doing trekking blind in a Himalayan whiteout?"

" Looking for Spanish galleons"

"Makes sense, listen these bolt-cutters aren't going to cut the mustard, I'm going to have to gnaw through your chains with my teeth"

"Oh God, this is going to take forever"

"I know, I'm sorry"

It did in fact, "take forever", but I'm glad it did. Because it was during the ensuing conversation that I realized that Ron Jeremy was like a hundred times smarter than that stupid and didactic ape Ishmael.

"All done, just a little bleeding, you should be fine"

"Thanks Ronald, do you mind if I call you Ronald, or should I call you the Hedgehog, or what?"

"Ronald is fine"

"Fucking yes!"

After an awkward silence, I turned to him, and asked if I could explore his face with my fingers, just to make sure it really was Ron Jeremy. He seemed to hint that if I really wanted to verify if it was him that I should take hold of his dong"

"Ronald!"

"Okay, old habits die hard"

"Great fucking movie"

After another awkward silence which ended with me using a sani-nap on my palms, I said, "So Ronald, Shambabla, huh? How'd you find this place?"

"A colleague of mine, Tits Ahoy, used to sublet this place, she's long since withered up, so I decided I'd take over her vigil."

"Tits Ahoy, great cookies"

"And it's been about a thousand years since I've been here."

"Wow, a thousand years... Tits Ahoy, great fucking cookies, man"

"Listen, before you steer us into another awkward silence, I'd like to offer you any sagely advice that you might be seeking."

"I'd have to think about that, Ron, this is all so new, so strange, please put your healthy hog away"

"Sure thing"

"Thanks, so, yeah, I guess I've got a question for, would you rather have shitty blood, or bloody shit?"

"That's disgusting, but bloody shit, for sure"

"Fuck, why?!"

"Because you're going to die if you've got shitty blood"

"Shit, shit"

"Any more questions"

"Yes, is it really scummy to sleep with a girl on the first date?"
...
Many hours later, I was exhausted from the spiritual tempest he unleashed on me. He completely drained my balls, and completely gave the best advice I've ever heard, ever. My life is completely changed. No longer do I think that my penis is average sized, I know now that it's below average. No longer do I think that cribbage is for babies, no longer am I scared of the wailing banshies that inhabit my mind when I shut my eyes, no longer, do I put ketchup on hamburgers, no longer I smoke contact lenses. No, he gave me the all the knowledge I need to live a full and complete life.
And guess what fellas, he's willing to do the same for you. He's got internet in Shambala, and he checks that shit daily, so if you've got any questions that you need answered regarding love, live, death, cribbage, he'll gladly dole out some wisdom.

Email Ron Jeremy here.

Twenty Minutes Later
Finally. A seat without a jacket on it... and that whore from my English class is moving in! Woman, don't make me punch you. Yeah, that's right, walk away in shame. I earned this seat. Its next to an outlet and everything. People have died for seats next to outlets.
Oh, don't freaking cry. That's such a girl thing to do. Look I'll buy you a brownie before our final or something.

...Okay, time for work. I'll just power up the computer... log on... pull up Solitaire--
Whoa, dude, are you scowling at me? What do you care if I'm not doing work? You gotta get warmed up, or you'll get cramps. Yeah, brain cramps. Yes, they're real. F*ck off.
Come on, its not like I'm the only guy here not doing wo-- okay, wow, I'm the only guy not doing work. Fine. I'll start reading my text book.

Dude, do you see that girl? No, not Boobs McGee, that girl right there, she's got like fifty books on her desk. I didn't read that many books in all my classes put together. Well, maybe with CliffsNotes. 'Cause I'm cool like that, that's why. No, it isn't cheating. Do I even know you? Get back to work.

Thank God for Wikipedia. I probably won't even have to look at my notes toni--

Oh God. That's a porn site. PANIC! Why won't the exit button work? Alt F4! Alt F4! Agh! Just shut the lid, shut the lid!!!

Okay. Don't look up. Not yet. Take one real fast look around and see if anyone saw that. Pretend you're stretching your neck or something.

...Yep. Everyone saw it. You know what? I think I can study at home tonight. The library is too crowded anyway, I don't know how anyone gets any work done.