I guess it must have been three years ago, Thanksgiving Day. Mom made a delicious meal, that enabler. She should have known what she was doing. We sat around the table like any normal family, me, my mom, my dad, my sister, Sparky with one of those dumbass holiday sweaters on. The food was great, duh: mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and a giant turkey. This was the pre-Turdunken era; we were Thanksgiving purists.

We ate. "Pass the turkey, mom." "Oh of course Derek, we love you so much." Whore! You were poisoning me!

Tryptophan

I was baked. Totally and utterly stoned...and I liked it. My Dad and Sparky started to blur and distort around the edges turning them into a sort of Gumby and Pokey duo. My mom's incorrect guesses sounded more and more like Charlie Brown's teachers. My sister's cackles turned from a Cruella de Vil to a Mary Poppins reproduction.

Three years ago, Thanksgiving Day, was my first time using. All of you out there eating your Turkey dinners remember what you're actually doing. They say a little experimentation is fine, especially if it is in a loving family setting, but let me tell all of you drumstick-eating, white-meat-preferring bitches, Tryptophan is no laughing matter.

Trippin' on Tryptophan was my gateway into harder stuff. I began to like other downers like warm milk and advil. When that wasn't exciting enough for me, I started doing Coke. Coming down off of those caffeine highs, I knew this drugged out lifestyle would be the end of me, but I couldn't stop.

I just couldn't stop.

And now look at me. It's Thanksgiving Day three years after my first score, I'm alone getting high off of fermented poop fumes (it's a real thing!) looking enviously at my old Tryptofriends who are getting Tryptofried without me.  

I find no comfort in cold turkey puns.

These have been the true accounts of a real life Tryptophanatic.

Do your parents not understand technology? Do they ask you stupid questions? Do they send you absurd text messages? Do they use words like "MyFace,""SpaceBook,"or "The World Wide Web?"

Your parents' Call of Duty 2.

At the mall, I saw an older woman with a home phone clipped to her pants.
Sydney Sheloff

My mom, after years of refusing to learn how to turn on our TV and surround sound, finally asked me to write everything down for her. I included a step that said, "shake the remote at least 100 times in order to charge." I came home from school several months later and she still hadn't realized that step was a joke.
Dave Powell, Louisiana College

My mom deletes what people write on her Facebook wall at the end of the day to "make room for more the next day."
Lynn Donaldson, University of Texas

My dad came to me saying he was gonna buy the new version of Windows, because it enabled touch screen. I had to explain to him that installing it just wouldn't turn his 5-year old CRT monitor into a "touchy" screen.
Marcelo B

My mom just sent me an email saying, "My email isn't working I don't think.. call me when you get this."
Bobbi C.

For those of you who own every Bruce Lee related movie ever made (34), and have worn the cover of the tender, gripping biography his wife Linda Emery wrote (Bruce Lee: The man I only Knew) on which the thought-provoking, touching film "Dragon: the Bruce Lee Story" was based, then you and I should really hang out. Moreover, you've been agonizing over the absence of any great front men in the genre. Upon seeing Ong Bak 2, I realized that Kung Fu fans everywhere might be in luck.

Do your parents not understand technology? Do they ask you stupid questions? Do they send you absurd text messages? Do they use words like "MyFace,""SpaceBook,"or "The World Wide Web?"

Your parents' App.

My dad overheard me and my friends talking about how awesome youtube is. He tried searching for "Youtube Season 1" on DVD.
Benny L

My dad paid 25 dollars for a used VCR. He thinks he got a good deal.
JJ LaMonaca, IUP

My aunt was concerned because she bought Michael Jackson's greatest hits album on iTunes but she hasn't received the CD in the mail yet.
Juan Ramirez, CSUS

My mom couldn't figure out why her e-mails to me were coming back undeliverable for months, even though I gave her my e-mail address several times. Turns out she was sending them with the ending, ".edu.com."
Eric Rapchak

Do your parents not understand technology? Do they ask you stupid questions? Do they send you absurd text messages? Do they use words like "MyFace,""SpaceBook,"or "The World Wide Web?"

Your parents' Blu-ray.

My mom once asked my friend, very earnestly, "Tim... what does an MP3 look like?"
Max L, University of Arizona

My grandmother called me and told me she was having problems with her cell phone battery. I drove 20 miles to get to her house. When I got there she had two AA batteries. She swore they were in the phone before she opened it.
Hunter S

My mom pointed to her Blackberry and asked "How do I write on somebody's wallpaper with this thing?" Later she asked, "Why can't I write on your dad's face?"
Kevin Deskins, Columbus State Community College

My dad still orders things out of catalogs.
Kelli K, University of Wisconsin

My mom's relationship status on Facebook is "It's Complicated." Ibrought this up to her because my parents are married. Her response:"Well, it is!"
P J

Do your parents not understand technology? Do they ask you stupid questions? Do they send you absurd text messages? Do they use words like "MyFace,""SpaceBook,"or "The World Wide Web?"

Your parents' Windows 7.

My mom called me to tell me she liked my Facebook status.
Colleen McAuliffe, Georgia Southern University

Today my I was watching the Vikings/Packers game when that NFL robot graphic came up on the screen and my mom asked, "How much do you think that guy gets paid to sit inside that robo-suit?"
tyler storrs

My dad thinks Google Earth is in real time.
Kaleigh F. O

Do your parents not understand technology? Do they ask you stupid questions? Do they send you absurd text messages? Do they use words like "MyFace,""SpaceBook,"or "The World Wide Web?"

Your parents' Safari.

My mom thinks I'm really popular because of how many people wished me Happy Birthday on Facebook.
Peter L, NCSU

Mom: "I loved the Twilight soundtrack! Even bought two copies so I didn't have to move it from car to house!!"
Roy Fahrenheit

My mom has called it "Michaelsoft" for years.
Flibbo B, WWU Muenster

Do your parents not understand technology? Do they ask you stupid questions? Do they send you absurd text messages? Do they use words like "MyFace,""SpaceBook,"or "The World Wide Web?"

Your parents' File Sharing.

I just walked into my mom's office as she tried to drag a picture from her desktop onto her facebook page. I asked her what she was doing and she replied, "I want to change my profile picture."
Tessa D

My mom put the same song on a playlist 15 times so it would keep repeating.
Greg Knowles, Manhattan College

My mom called me to tell me she can text.
Dan Ranges, SUNY Purchase

Do your parents not understand technology? Do they ask you stupid questions? Do they send you absurd text messages? Do they use words like "MyFace,""SpaceBook,"or "The World Wide Web?"

Your parents' artificial intelligence.

My mom, who is no stranger to checking emails, having accounts and the like decided to get a Facebook. When prompted to created a password she thought she had to fill the entire box, resulting in a complex 40+ character password that she forgot.
Andrew Fry

My dad has a bunch of photos he wants printed professionally. He doesn't know how to transfer them to a memory stick so I said I'd do it. He gave me a headphone jack two way splitter to put the images on.
Gabe N-H

My mom makes popcorn on the stove.
C. R.

Do your parents not understand technology? Do they ask you stupid questions? Do they send you absurd text messages? Do they use words like "MyFace,""SpaceBook,"or "The World Wide Web?"

Your parents' Google Doc.

My sister's school is paying a man $500 to give a one hour session on what twitter is so that "the parents can understand what their kids are doing with their time."
David Thomase

My mom texted me about getting a case for my Macbook, and she typed it as MAC. She thinks it's an acronym.
Rob Baumann, U of Maryland

My mom signs her tweets.
Melanie Hanson, School of the Art Institute of Chicago

Do your parents not understand technology? Do they ask you stupid questions? Do they send you absurd text messages? Do they use words like "MyFace,""SpaceBook,"or "The World Wide Web?"

Your parents' MP3.

My mom just joined Facebook, so I IMed her. She was typing for a long time before she finally called me and asked how to make it send what she wrote because she couldn't find the button. I told her to hit enter. This is the IM I got: "Are you IMing me on purpose or is this auto? I don't know how to use this thing. How do I send this? Can you see me typing? Help help help help ... Send send send send send send send send send send send send now send now send now finished SEND SEND Help send..."
Rebecca S., ASU

My girlfriend's dad typed a huge letter out on the computer. After he was done, he printed it and decided the font was too small, so he erased the whole thing, changed the font size, and retyped it.
Mike Williams

My mom just asked me if I have an email address.
Kyle Bourret

Do your parents not understand technology? Do they ask you stupid questions? Do they send you absurd text messages? Do they use words like "MyFace,""SpaceBook,"or "The World Wide Web?"

If you've got an example of your Parents Just Don't Understanding, submit it here!

And thank God we'll never be as dumb as they are!

Your parents' Star Wars Kid.

My dad and I were in the car on a long drive. I showed him my new GPS and pointed out that it calculated how long it would take to arrive. He turns to me and asks, "Does it take into account stopping for lunch?"
Jeff Poley, NC State

Whenever my Dad wants to turn my computer off he comes over and turns the bass on my speakers to zero, and turns off the monitor.
Johnny Osborne

My mother claimed she could not read my latest email because her printer was broken.
Jen Mach