My name is Brice and I am a college student. I have an idea for a product that you may be able to develop into a useful facet of online interaction. My proposal is a breathalyzer lock for a computer keyboard. I don’t know how many of your employees had an active social life at college or, for that matter, went beyond Tech school, but there is an issue that needs attention and I believe that you can make this happen.

[upload:1130265:small:left:Rough sketch]Along with many other young people I associate with, I have a bit of a problem with alcohol consumption, not so much with my health, but with my social interaction while inebriated. I tend to come home after a long night of Beirut- the Liquor League and plop into my desk chair. After fumbling with the mouse long enough to actually log into my facebook and/or myspace page, I proceed to make horrible jokes that even I don’t comprehend the next day and make pointless references to movies no one has ever seen. My diarrhea of the fingertips is left behind, staining the walls/comment boards of my friends, coworkers, and acquaintances.

The solution: a breathalyzer mechanism that is armed before a night of imbibing copious amounts of alcohol. On return, the user is required to blow under a .1 BAC to be allowed entry to communication programs and online communities. The hardware would come with a program that would allow the person to select which programs to block and which to allow at what BAC levels. For instance, AIM would be blocked at a .12 but HALO is permitted up to a .20 because, let’s face it, beyond that all you will be doing is lie face-down on the keyboard while some 13-year-old kid from Taiwan pwns the sh*t out of you.

If you have any questions, comments, or need for marketing strategies, please feel free to contact me.

"First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

 1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable! My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on
the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately.

I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing."