Thirty years later, the fear came back. This time, it's worse. The panic is everywhere. People are freaking the fuck out. But, seriously, guys, why? Your chances of getting the Swine Flu are like one in a bazillion.

But just to be safe, let's hide from our neighbors, put on a face mask, stay inside, and watch Lost!

Here's what went down this week, in a bullet in the leg:

Today marked President Obama's 100th Day in Office. But, it marked another historic day in American culture as well: The One Hundredth Episode of Lost.

Listen, guys. We know you love Lost. The adventures, the guns, the hostage-taking, the excitement. There are freighters and boats and canoes and there's always a war between someone and someone else. For pirates, like you, it must be a pretty great show.

But, we think you went a little too far this time. Not cool, Somalian Pirates, not cool.

We're sorry we had to shoot at you, but when you're playing Lost, there are a few rules you have to follow. Like, for example, you can't actually take someone hostage and threaten his country in the hopes of getting money. This isn't about money, you silly Somalian Pirates! It's about THE ISLAND!

And, one more thing....it's 2009. Pirates? Really?

Enough already. We get it. The economy is in the sh*tter. Everyone has lost their jobs, bailouts are more common than teen pregnancies, and every shop at the mall is empty, despite the 50% Off signs.

Suddenly, you realize how much toothpaste costs, and you're taking home leftovers from the Mexican place you frequent. There's a lot of talk about fancy financial terms and stock market gibberish that we all pretend to understand. If you bought, don't sell. And if you sold, don't buy. Just sit there and stare at a wall until things get better.

Or, you could always forget your troubles by realizing things could be worse: at least at your place, there are no vans on fire, bleeding children, or smoke monsters. Thanks, Lost, for always putting things into perspective!

Here's what went down this week, in a blood transfusion:

So you grab a gun, and you set your time machine clock to the first half of last century. And after the whirligigs and gadgets on your machine spin and zip, you see a bright flash, and you are suddenly hurled back through the years. And when you open your eyes, there are people speaking German.

You take your weapon and ask the closest person where you can find Adolf Hitler. She points to a small, adorable little baby. He's sucking his thumb and cooing. He looks up at you and smiles. You clutch the cold metal in your hand.

We've all made mistakes.

I mean, Sawyer should have never wronged all of those people that he conned in his past. Juliet should never have joined the Dharma Initiative. Jack shouldn't have become addicted to prescription drugs. Claire should have never considered giving up her baby. Hugo shouldn't have eaten that last Oreo. Seriously. And Ben probably shouldn't have murdered an entire community of people.

Similarly, I shouldn't have skipped Lost last night and tried to watch it on my computer this morning.

Especially when my internet connection. Keeps. Stopping. And. Restarting.

But, I seem to have it all figured out now. I have finally watched the episode, and all I can say in regard to my tardiness is this: I'm sorry. And also: It's Nice To Meet You, Ben!

Here's what went down this week, in a 14J at the Flame:

As for me, I've got an empty apartment with no heat, and no mattress. That's right: tonight, I'm sleeping on a pile of blankets on the floor. I've just moved in to my new place, and none of my possessions has arrived yet.

But, no worries. Because this evening, I found the closest television set and partied with our favorite time leaping bandits. (Time Bandits reference, anyone?)

Here's what went down this week, in a romantic bottle of Dharma wine:

Whatever Locke did must have worked; Jin, Juliet, Daniel, Miles and Sawyer have stopped flashing through time. They are now stuck sometime in the groovy 70s, when the Dharma initiative was in full swing (pre-Ben). They rescue a Dharma girl from some hostiles, and then go to their camp. At first, the Dharmanians are suspicious (Turn off that fence, Amy!). But after Sawyer diverts a crisis with Richard, the Dharma Initiative lets them stay for a bit. Three years later, Sawyer has become their leader, Jin speaks perfect English, and Sawyer and Juliet have fallen in love. Oh, then Jack and the rest of the gang show up. Hooray!

There is the search for an apartment. There is the purchase of a car, as well as insurance. There is the hunt for a new job, new friends, and simply the search for a sense of Home.

But in the midst of all of this stress and searching, there is one search that I was most stressed about: the search for Lost viewing buddies. It is with such caution that we answer the invitation to watch this magical show at a new friend's house. How will you tell them about the NO TALKING rules that must be in effect? How will you punish them if they fail to comply? Where will you bury the body?

Not to worry, my friends. For as I pulled up to my friend's house this evening, I noticed the house number on the front of his building:

815.

And, I knew then that all was right with the world.

Here's what went down this week, in a homemade noose:

Just a quick update about places you can see and hear me this week:

1. I did a story for the Valentine's episode of This American Life called "Somewhere Out There." It's an extremely embarrassing story and is available as a free podcast on iTunes!

2. Tuesday A.M. I'll be returning to The Bob & Tom Show. It's my first year missing the Bahamas trip, so there's much to catch up on. Maybe a new entry in my secret journal?

1. Thanks for watching me on Conan. I'm assuming you tuned in for Ludacris, and stuck around for me. But whatever the case, you can watch it here on Myspace. Also, yesterday I was named the MySpace "featured comedian!" This honor has been compared to the Oscars, the Emmy's, and the MySpace "featured musician."

2. We have new shirts for Sleepwalk with Me! "Shirts in the winter?" you ask. Well, what do you wear under your sweater? (pause) I thought so.

3. Thanks to everybody who has come out to the first 2 weeks of Sleepwalk. We're still going strong. And by strong, I mean weak yet hilarious. Hey look, these blogs liked it!

The Media NerdMars I AmBuzy Guy In Da NYC

Thanks Blogosphere! And now a new journal entry...

I just returned from 9 cities in 11 days. Though I'm tired, I've returned with stories. In week 1, we rented a bus and hired a driver. The idea behind the driver is that we sleep while the driver drives through the night. The problem is that last week, while we were sleeping in the back, he started to doze off in the front. So both the back and front were asleep, leaving only the people staring at our bus swerving off the road who were awake. We knew this because we started to hear more and more of that "rumble strip" rumbling, and that's never a good thing. It's never like, "Oh, that pleasant rumbling! Our bus driver is probably taking a short cut through the woods!" The upside of this, had he driven off the road, would have been that we'd have died in our sleep. Of course there'd be that confusion if we show up at the Pearly gates and we explain to St. Peter that, in fact, we're just dreaming. And he says, "No, you're actually dead." And we say, "Of course we're not dead. We hired a driver to stay awake so we wouldn't die." And St. Peter would be like, "He's right behind you."

Can't thank you enough for coming to the first 10 dates on my tour. Every show has been sold out or at least "looks" sold out. (Shhh...It's all about perception!) And between Toledo, Milwaukee, Chicago, Tarrytown, Boston, and Philly " it should end with a bang. Or at least a serious makeout session. Get your tickets now because they'll either sell out or "look" sold out. (don't take your chances with this one.)

- I'm heading out on my tour this week on my SLEEPING WHILE STANDING TOUR. there are just a few tickets left for Indianapolis, Minneapolis, and St. Louis...

-Tickets are on sale for SLEEPWALK WITH ME off-Broadway! Plan your trips to NYC. Visit friends. Crash on couches. Get tickets right away if you want to secure a specific date. I'm working on getting some discounts for colleges students, broke people, etc, but they will probably be on very specific dates, so get your tickets now if you're making plans. This is the best show I've even done and we got a great early mention in the Time Out NY Fall Preview: "Birbiglia peppers an intricately crafted monologue...with the trademark witticisms that have already made him a commercial hit..." Commercial hit? I'm not sure about that. But that being said, I'm very proud of SLEEPWALK and would love for you to come. Also, I got a nice mention on broadwayworld.com!