The Drunken Blog


I was in DC recently for Lisa's birthday party. The plan initially was to start at Rumor's and barhop. I had a feeling the barhopping wouldn't happen because it's hard to coordinate a large group of people leaving one bar and going to another bar.

We stayed at Rumor's the entire night, and through the process I become somewhat intoxicated, so much so, in fact, that I decided to lower my standards. I spotted two girls that weren't ugly by any means, but they weren't exactly Perfect 10s, and they might have been a bit on the "meatier" side, although I wouldn't go so far as to call them fat, despite the fact that I called one of them "Fat Tina Fey."

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I got Will to come with me, since there were two of them and we started dancing. The one girl didn't want anything to do with Will, which was odd, since Will was out of her league. But I continued dancing with my girl, who I quickly dubbed Fat Tina Fey. Tina Fey, of course, was one of the lead writers for SNL, she also did the Daily Update, and most recently she is on the show 30 Rock, which happens to be one of my favorites.

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Really the only reason I called her Fat Tina Fey was because she had on similar glasses. The manner in which she dressed was also reminiscent of the way Tina's character dresses on 30 Rock.

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I was getting pretty drunk and FTF wanted to leave so I walked over with her to the area near the door. She started telling me where she lived and I started mulling over if I wanted to leave with her. After some clarification she told me she lived off the red line, which is part of the DC Metro. I live off the orange line, and while the two are relatively close, it requires a train transfer and would therefore be very inconvenient for me. As soon as she said she was off the red line I just wanted to get away from her and luckily Caitlyn was there to facilitate that extraction and I never saw FTF again.

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Several days later I was having a conversation with Will, this is how it went:

(3:32:32 PM) Will: i have a feeling tonight's going to be crazy
(3:32:39 PM) Will: and i'm usually right about these feelings
(3:32:58 PM) Justin: oh man, but I said I would take it easy tonight!
(3:33:04 PM) Will: look
(3:33:11 PM) Will: why did you say that?
(3:33:29 PM) Justin: Because, I figured I wouldn't want to be a bump on a log at [redacted]'s party tomorrow
(3:33:33 PM) Will: you can take it easy, and it can still be a crazy night
(3:34:24 PM) Justin: That's true
(3:34:33 PM) Justin: But generally when things start to go crazy, I drink a lot
(3:34:34 PM) Justin: ha
(3:34:58 PM) Will: hahha
(3:35:02 PM) Will: its a state of mind
(3:35:12 PM) Will: hahaa
(3:35:17 PM) Will: its all in your head
(3:35:34 PM) Justin: I'm so ready to go home
(3:35:41 PM) Justin: I have a water in front of me
(3:35:45 PM) Justin: but I want it to be a rum and coke
(3:35:45 PM) Justin: ha
(3:35:53 PM) Justin: Jesus can do that, right?
(3:36:00 PM) Will: hahahaah
(3:36:11 PM) Will: but you know what i've learn over the years
(3:36:23 PM) Will: if tonight presents itself as being a good night...i won't hold back
(3:36:32 PM) Will: because you never know what the party tomorrow will bring
(3:36:47 PM) Justin: That's how I've been partying recently
(3:36:56 PM) Justin: Except my initial assessments have been off
(3:37:02 PM) Justin: e.g., Fat Tina Fey
(3:37:11 PM) Will: LOL
(3:37:27 PM) Will: there's nothing wrong with Fat Tina Fey
(3:37:42 PM) Will: you just didn't capitalize on that cause you were worried what we would say
(3:37:56 PM) Justin: And she was all the way up on the red line
(3:37:59 PM) Will: hahahaha
(3:38:01 PM) Justin: ha ha
(3:38:13 PM) Will: that's not that far if you think you might get some action
(3:38:14 PM) Will: hahahah
(3:38:46 PM) Justin: She wasn't red line-hot
(3:38:57 PM) Justin: She was barely even an orange line-hot
And so with that a new hotness scale was born.

Obviously the scope of this scale is very limited and can vary among people in the same city, but among my friends this is how it will be known.

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Orange Line-Hot - There aren't many girls that aren't orange line-hot. This is a girl who is attractive to the point where you would only hook up with her if it was extremely convenient for you. She's not pretty enough for you to go out of your way, but let's face it, if she's going your way, you'd do her.

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Blue Line-Hot - The blue line runs on the same track as the orange line for the majority of its route, so you don't really have to go that far out of your way for one of these girls, but it still requires some effort so it's a slight step up from the orange line. This is the line that most girls fit into, which is to say that most guys will go out of their way for sex regardless of the attractiveness of a girl.

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Yellow Line-Hot - The yellow line requires a transfer at Metro Center, which as the name implies, is in the center of the entire Metro. This is inconvenient because you have to go all the way to the heart of the city before you can get your ass hauled to where you actually need to go - the land of rainbows and unicorns, aka, a girl's bedroom. The yellow line partially overlaps with the blue line which can make a shortcut home, depending on the location of your lady friend's actual abode. A yellow line girl could require multiple transfers so she has to have a great "personality" to keep your attention. Just as an aside, imagine me cupping my chest when I say "personality."

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Red Line-Hot - The red line also requires a transfer at Metro Center to go up north. A red line-hot girl is very attractive; hopefully you will be in the heavy make-out stage of the night, because you're going to have a lot of idle time waiting for and on trains to get anywhere on the red line. The red line actually covers the most land in the entire system and it goes all the way up into Maryland. This girl has to be attractive enough to cross state lines for, just keep that in mind.

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Green Line-Hot - The green line actually shares some track with the yellow line, but instead of curving back towards the orange line, it goes the exact opposite direction. Green line-hot is as hot as they come, because not only is it going to take forever to get back to her place, but you'll probably have to double padlock the door on your way in, but you'd die a happy man if your last action was hooking up with a green line-hot girl.