Harvard

Personal Safety Tips

In self-defense classes, people always tell you not to yell "Rape" when you're being assaulted. Instead, they suggest, yell things like "Fire!" to get people's attention. Here are other things you can shout to get people's attention.- "Boobs!"- "...

Things I Want When I Grow Old

Finally, A Game For You And Grandpa: 'Lil Wayne Bingo

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Hans, Personal Trainer

Thank you for joining Gold's gym.My name is Hans and I am your personal trainer.You may say "Hans, I don't need a personal trainer," or "Hans, what do your many African tattoos represent?" But these are distractions. Our focus is your body. Show...

My Only Visit To University Health Services

Nurse: Okay... your name?Me: Josh.Nurse: And you pregnant?Me: Huh.Nurse: I know this is sensitive. Take your time.Me: I'm not pregnant. In fact, I'm sure I'm not pregnant.Nurse: Be honest.!sliceMe: I'm a man! I physically cannot give birth.Nurse:...

Battle at the Bar

A conversation between different parts of my body, as I'm sitting at a bar:Pants Brigade: Limp and ready for action, sir!Captain Noggin: Private Eye! I need a status check now.Private Eye: We got a bogey moving in at 2 miles per hour. She...

Things To Do When You Go Abroad

Destination:England, France, Germany, Spain, Italy, Sweden, Norway, Finland, Czech Republic, Poland, Ukraine, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Amsterdam, Hungary, Romania, Bosnia, Turkey, Israel, Morocco, Algeria, Egypt, Austria, Australia, New...

Cooking on a Budget

Dish #1: Watermelon Ingredients: Rock 1. Throw the rock at a supermarket window. 2. Climb through the window. 3. Take the watermelon. !split Dish #2: Watermelon Ingredients: Timber 1. Go to the local hardware store. Buy nails. 2....

The Evil Leprechaun

Leprechaun: Psst. Need some luck?Boy: Who are you?Leprechaun: I'm a leprechaun, asshole. What did you think? The Irish Gary Coleman?Boy: Point taken.Leprechaun: Here, try this out. It's a lucky rabbit's foot.Boy: Aw gee! This is...

Saturday Nightilicious

Saturday night, FERGIE STYLE!!!!! LOLz...f-ing classic-Yo brosicle, you wont get wastedlicious tonite.-Hahaha you know I will, but dude whats with adding "licious" to the end of everything you say?-I add it because it's fucking cool as shit...but...

Top Ten Sentences The 9/11 Plotters should receive instead of just the Death Penalty:

  10) "I hereby sentence you to listen to the Bush sisters' 2004 Republican Convention speech on loop from now till eternity. May God Have Mercy On Your Souls." 9) "10 years hard labor, 20 years solitary confinement, the rest of the time...

Top Ten Additions to the UN list of Celebrity Ambassadors:

10) Ambassador for the UN High Counsel of Shirtless Nights: Matthew McConaughey 9) Ambassador for Objective Media and Kentucky Fried Chicken: Michael Moore 8) Ambassadors of Toppling Hostile and Oppressive Governments: Jessica Alba, Jessica...

Top Ten Indications Its Time to Find a New Job:

  10) You've caught your boss urinating in your coffee on more than one occasion. 9) You're co-workers throw rocks at you -- even on your birthday. 8) Instead of copies, the copy machine spits out sheets of paper that read: "Don't Touch...

Top Ten Reasons Why No Democrat has a Chance of becoming President:

  10) Although he cannot run for a Third Term, Bush has been campaigning under the slogan "The fix is in!" 9) Hillary has two things working against her; she isn't attractive enough for most men to vote for her and all women hate other...

Top 10 Slogans for the All-Nude Airlines:

10) "Don't worry, our seat covers are disposable" 9) "When you're happy, it shows!" 8) "Security's a breeze - two fingers is all it takes" 7) "If you've got it - flaunt it, spank it, shake it around - but please mind the seats." 6) "If you can't...

LAMPOON IN REVIEW: ALEXANDER NEVSKY

  "Fuck!!! Wrong Movie!!!" ***WARNING*** If you have not seen the movie Alexander Nevsky, you are a sucker. Read no further. ***WARNING*** ::: FROM ARCHIVE OF COLLECTED COLLEGE PAPER ARCHIVE ::: Matthew E. LiptonHistory 354History of...

FROM THE ˜REJECTED' PILE: STRAWMEN & PAPERTIGERS

  -- "don't be a dick"            Some ideas require one to be famous before one can "make them happen" -luckily I keep all my rejection letters: He's one from Sarah Gorham, President and...

The Time Capsule

Hey buddy, remember me? That's right, I'm you from the past. I'm writing from the year 2006, the most important one so far. And I've got a surprise for you- the time capsule this letter is attached to. It's filled with objects, and history. I've...

The Greek Tragedy That Resulted From My Having World Lit And Sex Ed Back To Back In The Tenth Grade

EPIDIDYMIS REX: Children of Thebes, hold this proclamation dear to your souls - there are multiple forms of birth control available over the counter, but unfortunately I didn't use any of these when I boned my mom.nnCHORUS: Woe, diaphragm! Woe,...

My Hobbies

I’ve always wanted to have hobbies.Right now I just have interests, which makes my answers to questions about hobbies and interests disturbingly lopsided.I wish more people would let me engage in my hobbies. In the Hospital Bill: What are...