Harvard

My Only Visit To University Health Services

Nurse: Okay... your name?Me: Josh.Nurse: And you pregnant?Me: Huh.Nurse: I know this is sensitive. Take your time.Me: I'm not pregnant. In fact, I'm sure I'm not pregnant.Nurse: Be honest.!sliceMe: I'm a man! I physically cannot give birth.Nurse:...

Cooking on a Budget

Dish #1: Watermelon Ingredients: Rock 1. Throw the rock at a supermarket window. 2. Climb through the window. 3. Take the watermelon. !split Dish #2: Watermelon Ingredients: Timber 1. Go to the local hardware store. Buy nails. 2....

Dear F-Buddy, This Is a Complaint

Hey everyone, I'd like to welcome our new sex columnist, Lena, to the site.  Every week she'll be writing about her sexual adventures and giving you little hints to make that drunken grope fest as special as possible.  She comes to us...

Proof Your Girlfriend Loves You

This is a difficult time to be a woman in America. In the contradictory land of double 0s and “lady lumps,” every body part – from nose to neck to tummy to thigh – is scrutinized. For most of us, unfortunately, the perfect...

Going Vegetarian on Steak and Blowjob Day

Steak and Blowjob Day was Wednesday, but I’m dating a vegetarian. Who lives in Philadelphia.For those of you not in the know, Steak and Blowjob Day was conceived as the man’s answer to Valentine’s Day. Appropriately situated a...

The Note You Hope Your Summer Roommate Doesn't Leave

Getting Our Hands Dirty

If your girlfriend says she doesn't do it, she's a liar. And I'm not talking about making out with your best friend, Bobby. Seriously, she admitted to it, and she's sorry. I'm talking about her once-in-a-while desire to scratch an old itch, or the...

Things You Don't Want to Hear From The Person Next To You as You Sit Down For Your 6-Hour Flight Home

"Have you found Jesus?""I may not be the best-looking person on this flight, but I'm the only one talking to you.""Do nose-hair trimmers count as electronic devices?""You can tell when your water breaks, right?"Hi, I'm from the future. May I share...

Drop-Off Lines

You know those cheesy pick-up lines that got you into that frustrating relationship?There's only one known antidote, like water for fire or robots for cancer.  It's these zingers that'll wind up your relationship quick!1.  It must have hurt......

Valentine's 2007: Less Flowers, More Deflowering

Valentine's Day comes in a close second to Christmas as the most commercialized holiday in America. And by commercialized, I mean “dreaded like a herpes infection spread by one Hallmark card at a time.” Window decorations let you know...

Battle at the Bar

A conversation between different parts of my body, as I'm sitting at a bar:Pants Brigade: Limp and ready for action, sir!Captain Noggin: Private Eye! I need a status check now.Private Eye: We got a bogey moving in at 2 miles per hour. She...

Rip Van Winkled

Rip Van Winkle fell asleep for 20 years in 1770, only to find things completely different when he awoke. His descendants had similar problems. Christopher Van Winkle: 3 years, 1930-1933CHRIS: I’m sorry I haven’t been at work in a...

Lent: When Jezebel Meets Jesus

Reader Poll: What did you give up for Lent?Overachiever that I am, I decided to be particularly ambitious this year for Lent. In addition to giving up greasy Mexican food and my guilty pleasure, Gawker, I made a vow to forgo sex for the next...