“Did you hook up with some slut at the Halloween party last night?" she asks in an annoyed tone.

You totally did, and it was awesome. Chick was fuckin' out of this world man, she had perky little tits bustin' out of her top, she was dressed like this cowgirl right? Pigtails and shit, bitin' her lip like you know she wanted it and...right, your girlfriend. She's pissed. What do you do?

-Confess your horrible sins and beg for forgiveness...pg. 13
-Concoct some crazy elaborate story that you hope she buys…pg. 14
-Tell her you love her...pg. 4
-Smack that bitch up...pg. 5


Pg. 4

You tell your sweetie that she is meant to be yours forever, that you love her and would never do anything to ever harm her. Sadly, your girlfriend isn't a dumbass, and just gets angrier.

Please return to pg. 3

Pg. 5

You politely ask your girlfriend if you may bring it.

"The pain!" you say, as you smack her across the face, rendering her unconscious. She lies motionless on the floor as you laugh maniacally.

Nonchalantly walk out the door as if nothing happened...pg. 89
Take advantage of what appears to be a sweet opportunity...pg. 69

Pg. 89

You walk out the door, without a care in the world.

“I think I’ll get some T-Bell” you say to yourself, and your tummy rumbles with the anticipation of tacos.

THE END

Pg. 69

*Pages 69-88 are mysteriously stuck together.”

Pg. 13

*Page 13 is intentionally left blank. No one ever chooses this adventure.*

Pg. 14

“Well, did you?!?” she provokes, stamping her foot like an angry elephant. An angry elephant named Stampy.

“No, I didn’t” you say, your mind racing like a stock ticker, formulating what may be the greatest lie ever told. “You see, babe, they were handing out Jell-O shots at the door. The problem was they didn’t have any Dixie cups, you see, so they had to use little plastic cups that you get at the dentist when you have to use fluoride. Jerry’s dad is a dentist, you know Jerry, right? Big guy, short hair, likes Black Sabbath. Anyway so he got a bunch of those cups and they put the Jell-O shots in there. So this girl…I don’t even remember her name, she looked beat anyway, that’s Alpha Phi for you, you know.”

“My roommate’s an Alpha Phi” she says, again annoyed, a constant theme in your relationship.

“Oh yeah, Michelle, she’s cool” you say. “Anyway, so this chick takes a Jell-O shot…the beat chick. Totally fugly. Anyway she takes the shot and accidentally swallows the cup. So she starts choking on it and I see what’s happening and Jerry totally has it all on video, it’s on youtube check it out, but I ran up there and heimlich’d the shit out of her and the cup goes flying. But she lost a lot of air so I had to administer CPR really fast. Totally saved her. So yeah, that’s what happened, I was like a hero, everyone was getting me drinks for the rest of the night.”

Your girlfriend stares at you blankly. You wait what seems like an eternity, then her frown turns upside down and she smiles, grasping you and kissing you. She totally bought it.

The two of you head to T-Bell, your tummies rumbling with the anticipation of tacos.

THE END

Pg. 69

*Pages 69-88 are still mysteriously stuck together.”

You sported the Louis Vitton bag with your earth-toned scarf,

You raised your hand in a festive manor,

               every time the professor asked a question to the class,

You would speak in a supercilious voice,

               a voice that makes most people’s ears bleed ,

You may not realize it,

               but most people in the class feel the way I do,

You do not have to show off your sheer brilliance,

You could just keep it to yourself,

               but no, that’s not your style,

               I saw you in the bathroom after class,

               I was standing at the urinal next to you,

You kicked your leg up in a Bruce Lee-like fashion,

               flushing with your leather Coach dress shoes,

               allowing your hands to be germless,

                              What a bitch,

               What a bitch you are,

You go home,

               alone,

Your hand and a bottle of Vaseline is the only cure to your loneliness,

               sweet dreams, Pompous Prick in my History Class,

               I’ll see you in class tomorrow.