Where do I begin? Valentines day is quite possibly the most over-hyped day of the year. The day where you prove to your special some one how much you love and care for them. You prove this buy going to the local hallmark store and picking out that "one" card that best conveys your feelings towards your significant other. You also throw in a couple other "thoughtful" gifts along with a special evening. All this is done to prove that you love that person.

How do they repay you? From a guy's standpoint they are repaid with nagging, because the day wasn't perfect, and their respective counterpart doesn't feel appreciated. "It was too cold" or "I don't like this restraunt", or "I guess its the thought that counts". These are the quotes you will most commonly hear on valentines day. The classic roses and chocolate don't cut it anymore. If you are one who in fact gets these items, you are looked down upon as the proverbial cheapskate. Girls, mostly are waiting for something more. Every year, it seems, they push the envelope. Soon Valentines day will be called Burn a hole in your dignity and wallet Day. I do recognize that this is a big generalization, but I think you get the point.

The more and more popular gift from girls on this over rated day seems to be the "Love Coupons". for those of you who are unfamiliar with this item(s), they are simply coupons, usually hand written, that give her respective man a free massage, for example, free of charge. Other types include but may not be limited to, Free whatever you want, Dinner on me, You get the remote, Exotic movie night, or the infamous Get out of Jail free card where she is supposed to bite her lip when an argument arises.

First of all men do not use coupons, we lose coupons. So odds are that the guy getting this seemingly thoughtful gift will 9 out of 10 times lose them, which relieves the girl of the coupon-inspired activity. Coincidence? I think not; especially when the coupons say "present this coupon for..." Who's the cheapskate now? Secondly all these things should be standard in a healthy relationship. A guy is not expected to pay for everything in this day and age, so the movies, and free dinner ideas are null and void. as for all the more exotic actions due pending presentation of the coupon, that should be expected as well. A healthy relationship encompasses "the whatever you want" in that sexual experimentation prevents couples from getting bored. Never mind the fact that I have yet to encounter a girlfriend that will charge me for a back massage. This is where, guys get to use the ole "I guess its the thought that counts".

So ladies If you want to give a meaningful gift on V-day, I would go with a case of beer, a sexy little number from Frederick's of Hollywood for you to wear for him, and a reassurance of faithfulness. Don't go the candy and flowers route, because that is our route. Don't get him a videogame because that then plants a seed for a fight when he's playing the game rather than paying attention to you. "Oh baby, I use your gift all the time. I love Halo. I will be done when me and my clan defeat these noobs, probably in a matter of hours. then we can have our time." I'm sorry but you have dug your own grave on that one.

My point is this. You should not need a set designated day on the calendar to prove your feelings for some one. It should be shown everyday. I will however, permit guys to use it as a means to prevent a harsh nagging from her for a duration no less than 30 90 minutes after the day has diminished into the 15th of February. Its not that I am bitter about being single on this day. I have my share of women in my life and I am happy at that. I just do not understand the hype of this day. It is fun going out to dinner and having an enjoyable evening with that special someone, but it is not enjoyable going out to dinner to wait 2 hours to be seated because she "doesn't care" where we go, so I take her to the Olive garden without a reservation, and then when we finally get seated she spills wine on her dress, and bitches about that while simultaneously complaining about the salad being underdone, while commenting on the waiters bad breath. That's why I will take out this girl out the next day making the excuse that today is really really busy for me, and tomorrow I would be in a better mood. Ok I got off track. I will then leave you with this joke:

A doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar on the 15th of February having a drink talking about what they got their respective ladies for Valentines day. The Doctor sipping his martini says, " I got my wife a Diamond ring because she loves diamonds, and if she didn't like that I also go her a Monet because she loves art, and she will then know how much I lover her" The lawyer takes a swig of his scotch and says " I got my wife a brand new Mustang to show her my love, but if that wasn't enough, I also blew some coin on a 7-day Caribbean cruise. Either way she will know how much I love her." Finally the biker, not to be outdone, slams his beer and says " yeah well I got my wife a Sturgis T-shirt and a dildoe, so if she doesn't like the T-shirt, she can go fuck herself".

V-day is soon approaching, i know this not by calendar, but by a girl describing to me in january what her plans were on valentine's with her boyfriend.

Brando

I love that when I walk down the street, I see all these trendy guys wearing those designer jeans with the holes in them. You all know what I am talking about. You walk into Hollister or wherever and buy these pants that have holes and shreds in them already for the cheap low price of $189.95. I have jeans with holes all over them but thats because I worked construction for several years. It makes the guys wearing the jeans look rugged and tough like they have been through some shit in those pants.

What a genius idea on the part of the desingners. "Because an increasing number of guys get manicures instead of doin manual labor they should still have access to the rugged look. Lets make a pair of jeans with the holes already in them." CHA-CHING. when my pants get like that i buy a new pair at Wal-mart for 15 bones. These dudes want so hard to be rugged that they will pay the insane prices.

Being inspired by this way of thinking, I am going to become a clothing designer. If people are seeking a false image through the clothes they wear, I should be able to cash in. Instead of having holes in my pants and shirts, I am going to have stains. I will have a shirt with the classic ketchup/mustard stain. this will say to others "hey, look at this dude, he has ketchup on his shirt. He must go to ball games. He looks like he knows how to party." My line of jeans will sport the oil and grease stains. This will of course make others say, " Woah, look at this bro, He must be a mechanic, or know how to fix engines. His bad assery knows no bounds." An finally my line of khakis will have the once unsightly white stain which will have the ladies thinking, "Oh what a sweetheart, he must have just taken a lucky girl out to a fancy Italian dinner and spilled some alfredo sauce on his thigh. I want his nutz."While theguys will think, "This man must have got some sniz last night, look at that stain. What a pimp."

All this for the competitive price of $167.98. I think I found my calling. This will allow this Metrosexual filled society to once feel rugged and manly again. They can still go to the local starbucks with their collar popped and get their Triple mocha caramel chocolate iced latte frappucinno (while still calling it coffee in front of the fellas, which is a whole other story) and not lose any manliness. Stains are the future of fashion.

~Brando "the man with a plan"