My name is Christopher Rifkin, chairman of Jamaica's Tourism Board. We'd first like to congratulate you on your recent successes, as well as thank you for raising awareness worldwide of the beautiful paradise that is Jamaica! However, we must make one small request as it pertains to the song "Take You There", as we feel you did not live up to the agreement we had put in place when you were commissioned to "write a song about a wonderful Jamaican vacation" (note: we even gave you a rhyme to use, we were very disappointed when that was left out of the final version).

We are more than happy with your characterization of Jamaica as the home to white sand beaches where you're encouraged to live without a care and spend your days "sipping Piña Coladas", as it were. The part of your song that we take most umbrage with is the second half of the chorus- "take you to the slums/where killers get hung". Firstly, it's not even grammatically accurate- how embarrassing! As if that's not reason enough to change it, we at the Tourism Board, feel as though it's just plain mean! So we have taken the opportunity to write a few alternate lines we would encourage you to simply switch with the current, more disparaging remarks about this wonderful tropical paradise:

• We can lay in the sun, where families have fun!
  
• We can beat on a drum, and love everyone!
  
• We can visit the beautiful island of Jamaica, and have a really great time!

Freddie Prinze Jr.: (Walking into the exam room) Yes- hello, Mr. Johnson, I'm Dr. Prinze.

Ted: You can just call me Ted, Doctor.. Prinze, is it?

FPJ: (Chuckles) Well, I mean, Dr. Prinze Jr. if you wanna get technical about things.

Ted: Alright then, Dr. Prinze Jr. So, do you have my test results?

FPJ: (Another, more forced laugh) Yes. I, Dr. Prinze Jr., do have your test results. And, you know, you could even call me Freddie, if you want.

Ted: That's fine, Doctor. I just can't wait any longer. I really just need to know.

FPJ: I understand that, Ted. Let me just come Down To You... (Sits on his stool and wheels over, smiling)

Ted: (Excitedly) Oh, so it's good news?

FPJ: Oh, no, not at all. You have cancer.

Ted: Oh my God, I'm going to die! Why God?! Why?! What's going to happen to me and.. and.. my wife?!

FPJ: Why?.. Would you say that She's All That? (Winks)

Ted: What are you talking about?! I just found out I have cancer...

FPJ: (Standing up, visibly upset) You know what, I was in the I Know What You Did Last Summer movies and Summer Catch, and I could go on and on. I mean, I'm married to Sarah Michelle Gellar for chrissakes. Seriously? This isn't ringing any bells?

Ted: (Sobbing) Oh my God...

FPJ: (Looks at him solemnly, places his hand on Ted's shoulder) Scooby Doo?

Chris Berman’s Kid (CBK):

Chris Berman (CB): Alright, shoot.

CBK: Ok, well I really need your help though. Please don’t do what you did last time.

CB: You got it, Li’l Boomer.

CBK: Don’t call me that. Okay… so who led Germany and Italy?

CB: Germany was led by Adolf Hitler Me with Your Best Shot. (Son rolls his eyes) And Italy… Benito Bullwinkle J. Mussolini.

CBK: Alright. (Taking notes) But, seriously, you don’t have to give them nicknames, you can just tell me, that works better, I think. What about the leaders of the U.S. and England?

CB: Franklin Kiss from a Roosevelt…

CBK: (Under his breath) Seal?

CB: Aaand Winston Chuchill or High Water.

CBK: Okay, honestly, it’s just distracting. Please. Stop giving them those stupid nicknames. I just need to study. Why did America get involved in the war?

CB: Well, it’s more complicated than one issue, but the simple answer is Pearl Jam Harbor.

CBK: Pearl Jam Harbor?

CB: Ya know, Pearl Harbor, but… Pearl Jam… that grunge band that was huge in the 90’s. Eddie Vedder. Come on, you know Pearl Jam.

CBK: Ok, not only did you give a nickname to an event, it was a nickname you had to explain. Stop. No one thinks you’re funny anymore.

CB: Oh! Auschwitz-y Woman!

CBK: STOP!

CB: Harry Too Good to be Truman. George S. Patton the Back. Charles de Gaulle-righty Then. Chiang Kai-shek, Please!

CBK: (Leaving) I hate my life.