Mizzou

Sibling Rivalry

Right: Hey Lefty, how's it hanging?Lefty: Lower than you, Jingle Balls! Haha!Right: Man, that was even funnier the first 328,000 times. Lefty: Whatevs, you're just jealous.Right: Of what?Lefty: Of the fact that the GF paid a lil' more attention to...

The Academy of Crazy/Creepy Uncles

Teacher: Ok class, today we're going to cover familyfunctions. This is probably the Super Bowl of inappropriate behavior for crazy andcreepy uncles, so make sure to bring your "A-game." Reese, what's the firstthing you do when arriving at the...

A Realistic College Diploma

God Acts Like My Roommate

God: Adam, might I speak with thou for a moment?Adam: Yes my Lord?God: It seems that fruit is missing from my tree. Adam: Indeed my Lord! Eve tasted from the tree earlier this morning! God: ...What did thou say? Adam: My blessed Eve, she ate from...

Notes That Your Mom Put In Your Lunch Over the Years

Darth Vader tries to buy beer with his Anakin Skywalker ID

Darth Vader places two cases of beer on the counterCashier: Can I see your ID?Vader: Really? I'm much older than 21... I don't think anyone has even carded me before...do you really think I'm a minor?Cashier: Sorry sir, it's store policy.Vader:...

My Mind Every Day I Wake Up for Class

*cell phone alarm goes off*My Brain: "Sh*t! What time is it? Aw I think I hear it raining outside. Just a few more minutes of sleep...)*hits snooze on cell phone*(Yes. My cell phone does have a snooze button, doesn't yours?)*cell phone alarm goes...

Fall Out Boy's Next Album

Track Selection:1. We put this song at the beginning of the album cause it was the weakest thing we had, but since it's the first track, you're gonna have to listen to it every time you first put in the cd.2. E oo ou e ooa i ie, ae' e ee? (We took...

Droopy Eyed

I hate falling asleep in class. Now don't get me wrong, I love sleep. I'd make sweet sweet chocolate sex to my fluffy head rest if it had the right equipment. There's something genuine about being able to slay hundreds of bloodthirsty zombies...

Dear Santa

Dear Santa, It's about that time Santa.That?s right, I hope your elves have beenslaving extra hard this year because I?ve been rocking the good deeds list likeRambo on a roid rage.So listen up youHolly Jolly hunk of holiday fluff.All Iwant this...

Letter of Apology to the Girl Whose Boob I Touched By Accident on the Bus

Tanner123 College DriveColegetown, USA12345Dear Miss,On September 25th, 2007 at approximately 11:15 A.M., I accidentally touched your left breast. We were on the bus passing the student center when it happened. Perhaps you were aware because you...

Fantastically Cheap Hallowwen Costume Ideas for Equally Fantastically Cheap Bastards

Halloween is right around the corner (which means Christmas shit is already up at Walmart). Here's some tips for those cheapskates who are looking for great Halloween costume ideas for when you're low on cash. 1. Overly stereotypical Frat guy -...

Inspiration

Every great artist has their moments of inspiration, from which masterpieces are born.Yet, in this fast paced, high energy, microwave-my-iPhone-for-some-tasty-YouTube-juice world, we tend to forget the real reasons for such deep, soul-touching...

Sexual Chocolate

*inspiration from baaaaaallin, and Pop Doc Noisewater’s friend Driving down, to Chinatown, by way of Indiana, A blue striped globe, and flashing strobe, Caught our eyes in a city. We pulled over, set to stride and gazed upon what field, Ten...

An ancient Japanese Art

Hairo young grasshopper and wercome to Master Kurosake’s Makesoutai Dojo.By the time I’m done with you, you wirr no ronger attempt stupid American mouth mash and wirr trury know the sacred art of makesoutaike.You think furr frontar...

Teddy Roosevelt’s Final Adventure

    So I was chillin and maxing with my homies the Ruff Riders, when Biggie G dropped the most insane idea. We’d been smoking ass loads of opium from our brothas, the T-Urban Gang, and cruised over the Earf globe in my Pimp Chambers. That&...

A Few Fun Techniques to Prove Your Significant Other is Cheating on You

We've all heard the stories, the lies and a few of us have been ego fucked by Chris Hansen on "To Catch a Predator"  We all know the heartbreak and occasional physical injuries incurred when discovering a cheating girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse/...

101 Uses for "Ol' Betsy"

If you’re anything like me, you stare down the 5’3” Scottish sword resting in the far corner of your room, contemplating all of the possible ways to cut down those who stand between you and your favorite lunchbox filled with...

5 TV Shows That Scarred Me for Life

The 90's did a lot to help usher in this great generation of ours.  It gave us the greatest Nickleodeon shows known to man and condensed all of our favorite cartoons into 3 hour segments specifically designed to give us weekend long migraines and...

An uplifting message to the short ones

  Hello my miniscule counterparts. I come to you today from the land of 5’7” and taller. Do not be ashamed of your tinyness. You are a blessing to this overgrown earth and its average height inhabitants. Take life by the balls; because...