#3. The "I Am Superman?" Song: "Morning Glory"
Your enhanced level of self-confidence and esteem has risen to near mammoth proportions, and you want this to "the day that all the world will see." So you decide to rip that bottle of vodka from the table and take a 10 second shot from it. Yes, you will need a little time to wake up in the morning, but fuck, right now, YOU ARE THE MORNING, THE SUN, AND ALL THAT IS MAN!

#4. The On the Path to Destruction Song: "Roll With It"
At the start of this song, Liam Gallagher tells you to "roll with it" and "say what you got to say." Not the best advise at this point, but seriously, who is going to care about the time you hooked up with your friend's sister. Oops, I guess he did. Oh well, "SEND OVER THAT BOTTLE OF UV BLUE TO ME! IF YOU PUSSIES CAN'T FINISH IT, LET A REAL MAN PUT HIS LIPS TO THE LIQUOR!"

Now depending on your tolerance for alcohol, you will either continue onto song 5, or you will skip ahead to song 6.

#5. The "Oh Fuck Did I Just Eat that Cigarette Butt Instead of that Chip?" Song: "My Big Mouth"
At this point, you are touching, smelling, attempting to drink and running into everything that has matter to it, which is well, everything. There is a 95% chance that you will have no memory of your actions during this time, and that is often a blessing. "Guess who's going to take the blame for my big mouth?" Yep, that is you buddy.

#6. The "I Promised Myself I Would Never Drink This Much." Song: "The Girl in the Dirty Shirt"
"The girl in the dirty shirt knows exactly what she means to me." Chances are that at this point, you will be saying these very words, to either a cat, or that empty bottle of UV that you "totally destroyed" earlier. Hey, that couch has some type of dirty shirt on it...

#7. The Don't Worry Dude, All of the Puke got in the Toilet Song: "Champagne Supernova"
It is 3 AM, you think. You have just emerged from the bathroom a wounded, but victorious human being, and you hear a calling to the living room. As the words from this song beckon you to ask yourself, "where was I when they were getting high?", you collapse on the couch, just as an exhilarated guitar solo starts, leading you on your journey to sleep, which takes about 20 seconds.

#8. The Holy Crap, My Piss is Oak-Brown Song: "Don't Look Back in Anger"
As you walk into the kitchen, you realize that look from your friend "isn't going to burn your heart out." He's cool about last night and the whole hooking up with his sister thing, alcohol was involved, and you said you would never do it again. At least not until Tuesday. But seriously, don't look back in anger, last night was the best night of your freaking life, don't lament on it.

Festivus involves the possibility to freely insult family and friends and it was started by Reader’s Digest, so it must be an excellent celebration. With further research, by watching the Seinfield episode “The Strike” where Festivus is being celebrated by Frank Castanza and company, I realized the splendor. The Festivus “Pole” is the replacement for the X-Mas tree and it symbolizes the holiday’s attempt to de-commercialize the season. Visionaries at Reader’s Digest.

The evening of the 23rd of December the celebration would begin at a home around a feast of assorted delicacies, such as, keystone light, natty ice light, Milwaukee's best special reserve or really whatever sort of drink and food that would satisfy the plans for the evening. Before the feast/drink off the first tradition of Festivus would take place, called the “Airing of Grievances”. This is where the group stands in a circle and one by one everybody would tell one person why they were disappointed in them in the previous year. Sounds like a jolly time, even more than Ole Saint Nick’s laugh. Approximately 8 jollies. Yeah.

After the “Airing of Grievances” the feast/drink-marathon begins. Discussing the previous year’s events, eating of various foods and hitting the beer bong is what I picture as the norm for the Festivus feast. Throughout the dinner, which should last between 2 and 4 hours, the guests of the party will start to get drunk and it will become apparent the “Airing of Grievances” never really ended. The end of the dinner marks a great tradition in the holiday. The holiday is not over until the head of household is pinned on the ground by all the guest attending the Festivus (for the rest of us) celebration. The pin would mark the end of the holiday and the beginning of the new Festivus year. I made that last part up but it just makes sense, ya heard.
In all seriousness, the way this holiday will end up is people will just start drinking, just pull out insults at random times and continually over the night the head of house would keep getting pinned.

This is also not a replacement for Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza or whatever else there is but it is meant to be a mere addition. It comes before Christmas, was created by fucking Reader’s Digest and thankfully, it is just another great excuse to party. Its just one step closer to 365 different drinking holidays.