Alright guys, it's that time of year again, time to spend some money on the girl that you call your "Shnoogy."� The problem is, what do you get her? Have no fear, I'm here to save the day by letting you know exactly what to get for your special someone and since there are only 10 types of women in the world, this is gonna be a piece of cake. Just scroll through and find your girlfriend classification to see what to get her. Happy Shopping!

One Look and You've Got a Chubby and Your Brain Melts When You Try to Help Her with Her Homework: Jewelry. And I don't mean that JC Penny shit either. Let's face it, if she is gorgeous and taking harder classes than you, you have got to seal the deal. Otherwise you will have to settle for someone further down the list. Unless, of course, she is a bitch and belittles you by using big words like "Colostomy"�, "Perineum"�, or other dirty words that you have to go to dictionary.com to find out the real meaning of, then you should just punch her in the face till she cries blood.

Ridiculously Hot and Taking the Same Classes as You: Burn her a CD. It's about time you unleashed that arsenal of underground hip-hop you've been collecting in your music folder on the world. Why not throw it to someone who won't really understand it?

Damn Fine and Equal to Gilbert Grape: A Whinnie the Pooh bear. Adorable things get you sex. No, you're not adorable.

Attractive and Reads Other Sections Besides the Sports Page: Buy her a book. She'll think it is thoughtful and that you are trying to enhance her learning capabilities or whatever the fuck it is she is into. Not poetry though because you won't know what kind to buy her and will inevitably buy the wrong kind. No matter what you do, it will be the kind of poetry that she doesn't like.

Pretty and Can Beat Your High Score on Arkanoid: Something off of bustedtees.com. Sure this is dangerous because if you buy the wrong size, she'll probably cut your throat and shove the shirt in the slot. Not to mention that you'll also end up being a victim of identity theft. And you wont' end up ordering it till the 23rd of December, unless your girlfriend is Jewish so you won't even realize her holiday week is already over. But at least your girlfriend can express your sense of humor on her boobies.

Decent and Enjoys the Taste of Olive Green Paint: Claw machine toy. Go for the machine that costs 25 cents. Set up a three dollar limit though. If you can't win anything in that amount of money, just tell her that you got her something nice but it is coming in the mail from another country so it will take a while. She'll forget after a day or so.

Your room mate calls her ugly but she has a good personality: A high-five and a subscription to Cosmo. Either she'll become really good in bed or learn how to remove all that acne from her shoulders.

Dropped down the ugly tree and is kind of a bitch: A cock slap. It doesn't even have to be when you are being sensual with her, just walk up to her while she is watching Beauty and the Geek and take out her eye. Then you can fulfill your dream of having sex with a chick that looks like a pirate.

You saw an image of her in your last crap and she forgets how to breathe at times: A pillow over her face for at least a minute. She'll like the gift eventually.

Awkwardly Skinny, Wears T-Shirts with Dragon Ball Z Characters onThem, and has Played Every Final Fantasy Known to Man: Birth Control or an Ovariectomy.

Best of luck shopping for your certain someone. If you don't think your girlfriend falls into one of these categories, you're lying to yourself, look again. If you don't have a girlfriend then buy yourself a Dirty Thirty and have a good time trying to hook up with any of these girls.

Does anyone know if Michael Jackson was molested as a child? The picture they have him in this advertisement makes it look as though a small, curved, uncircumsized penis is coming towards his forehead. You know that face you make when that happens, you get all big eyed, pull your head into your shoulders, make sure your tear glands are prepared for the vicious onslaught that is about to befall your face.

Which brings me to my next point, remind me not to molest my children. I don't want them going all politically radical on my ass and start trying to pick political fights with me. Then the result of the arguement will just end up being him starting a picket line in my front yard screaming into a megaphone about how I "support the death of unborn children and consequently am preventing the return of Jesus Christ." As cool of a nickname that would be, Sean "Anti-Armageddon" Connors, it really wouldn't help me out on my quest to become a christian rock artist. Sean "Rockin' for the Greater Cause" Connors. The only downside to that is that you don't actually get paid money, just vouchers to be used in heaven. It's a good thing to collect since you do have to spend ETERNITY there, and far be it from me to have to use up all my heaven allowance on Ice-Cream (which there better be plenty of.)

Now don't get me wrong, i will have to ruin my child in some shape or form, i just don't want it to be from molesting. The question is, what route should i take?

I could be the father that raises his children like he raises a dog. One type of food and water two times through out a day, hit them on their nose with a newspaper if they do something naughty, and rub their nose in their excrement if they do it on the carpet. Think of how disciplined they would be! Captain of the (Sport) Team and president of the (Whatever the fuck they're into) Club. I would be recognized as the best fucking father in the world by the PTA and my children would get a shit load of friends. The problem with this is that they would want to join some save the world campaign or a communist army, and by that age a newspaper won't be big enough so i would kill them and hide the body in the cellar because i wouldn't want to become blacklisted for that shit.

Of course i could raise them to explore their true self through art, music, and whatever hippie bull shit that they can do, too. Never knowing what discipline is and just leading their life as freely as they want. Creativity leading their way into dark t-shirts, ridiculously baggy pants, and anime. Sitting in the house all day and screaming their mother fucking heads off when the can of Sour Cream and Onion Pringles gets past half-way and they can't squeeze their fat, stoned, hands inside. They may graduate from high-school but will be far too lodged into the sofa to lift their asses out.

Maybe if i raised them with my belief system then they would be alright. Finding the most awful shit hilarious and not taking life seriously at all. Leading a life that they find to be the best suited for them, even if it doesn't go how they want it. And when it doesn't, they bitch about it for a long time and shit on everyone else's day until they feel better about their current situation. Only trying to amuse themselves and in turn, looking like total dickweed's to everyone around them. Eventually losing all social contact with the world and keeping to themselves in their dorm rooms writing weird random bull shit on their blog.

Or I could smother them.