Articles from Murray State

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Facebook Info of a Man With a Serious Personal Vendetta

by Zach April 29, 2008

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Brody Jenner Will End Us All

by Kave Man April 23, 2008

I'll try to get through this without using "cosmic," or references to the "universe," on account that it'd make me sound "fey".

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=11974811940

So this little ditty popped up on my invitations, and I thought "Well that's neat, there's a Derby party with some guy from something."
And then I realized I'd rather clamp my genitals in a George Foreman grill when I saw this little bit of information:

18 and up for girls

21 and up for guys

Classy stuff, fellas. Now I know, consenting adults and living your lives and everything, but really? Are you that bad at picking up women that you'd rather make sure there's no possibility that there will be anyone their own age there for you to be compared to? But this wouldn't be for nefarious purposes, right? Never, in a million years, would one of these male attendees use their age to buy alcoholic beverages in a desperate attempt to go at least one night without jacking off into their mom's hand towels. But hold onto your hats, because things are getting better:

VIP tables available: $650
includes:
cover for 8 people
Large bottle of Grey Goose
Large bottle of Moet Champagne

Well, it's hard to argue with that kind of high rolling. Panties are all but guaranteed to be flying through the air with these big spenders. Game set match, Brody Jenner. Considering admission for one is $20, why wouldn't someone pay a premium price for premium beverages? According to Wikipedia, because I'm too lazy to do actual research, Grey Goose's humble beginnings began as such:

"When Sidney Frank created Grey Goose, he priced it well above established competitors such as Absolut. This high price created a perception of quality. Frank's strategy proved successful, as Grey Goose was a financial hit and led to significant changes in the market. Many people attribute Grey Goose as being a major inspiration for the various other high-priced vodkas."

And, honestly, if anyone wants to dispute the different tastes of Vodka, try out a little experiment: mix the shittiest, pipe cleaning, throat bloodying vodka you can find with one red bull, and then throw a shot of some of the finest Vodka available into another, and maybe a third choice for fun. Now, without knowing which is which, have a taste and see if you can tell the difference. Go ahead, I'll wait.

So at first, as rational people would think, we might say "the fuck?" But it actually is kind of poetic. Brody Jenner, in himself, is not famous. He hasn't accomplished anything. Nothing. He's the son of Olympic runner Bruce Jenner, and the fact that his sperm was the only one strong enough to swim out of that urethra is the beginning and end of things impressive about him. So why is he the "special host" of anything?

Well, that gets us to the only conclusion: he's famous for being famous. He has done nothing of worth, yet we somehow know him as famous. He's certainly not the first of this caliber; you have your Tila Tequilas, Paris Hiltonses, Nicole Richies (but I guess who cares about her anymore, she had a baby or something), and a laundry list of others. Everyone has a favorite. Even the Hills characters are actors, so they at least kind of have something. So is it possible that they've realized this, and this is all some kind of crazy performance art?¼br>
1. An overpriced party for guys who are older than the high school girls they're trying depressingly hard to bang on the hope they'll appear "Mature" based solely on their age (wet t-shirt contests and roofies aside, right ladies? Respect).
2. Serving overpriced and therefore assumed "Quality" beverages that are exactly the same as anything else.
3. Hosted by someone we all assume is some kind of celebrity even though there's nothing to support such a statement outside of the razor blade condom section of hell.

Is it possible for there to be this many coincidences in one night? One perfect moment of irony in which no one involved is aware?

As much as I'd like to say people should go, just to see it, I can't. This is because the co-host is Frankie Delgado, who is basically the same person as Brody Jenner, and if the rules of Time Cop are to be believed (which they should be), if the same matter occupies the same space, the universe will melt into itself.

Or maybe I'm just a pretentious bag of dick.

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Bad Analogies #2

by Zach April 21, 2008

I like my women like I like my steak:

brown and bleeding

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Bad Analogies

by Zach April 16, 2008

I like my coffee like I like my women:

tall, dark, cold, and bitter

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Emo_GRRL Speaks

by Kave Man April 01, 2008

Hey internet. You'll neverguess what happened today! I saw Paul hanging out at the dairy queen withRachel breyez! OMG she totally knows me and him are practically going out!She's just doing it bc she knows itll piss me off, and hes doing it bc she'dgive head to a stray cat. Grrrz. I am so about to kick her out of the limo forprom. Me and paul's relationship status is definitely getting changed to"it's complicated". There, that doesn't look like a cry for help atall. Or a pathetic bid for attention. I think I'll set my mood to 'chill'. Nowpeople know how relaxed of a person I am. I added some more pics from matt'sparty, bc how else will people know how much I like to party if I don't put uppics that look like a bar skank's relapsing AA-camp day trip for st. patrick'sday?¨2day I learned how to make my pics black and white w photoshop, so I guessits time 2 go in2 the ol' bathroom to make some more. Ok, hair over one eye,point it down, keep the stomach out of frame. Tightz. Oh dam, no cleavage. Onemore time, pout the lips, crane the next to keep clear view of the cleavage,point the flash into the mirror. hoorays! Goddamnit I'm so fucking artistic!Now let's name this photo album. Should I use a souldja boy lyric orevanescence? I do like to party, but these are an artistic black and white.Let's see:¨

¼/span>( ‚‚‚‚ ‚‚‚‚¼/span>/ )¨Š

‚( / jUs cHiLLin' )¨¼/span>Š

Perfect. It reiterates myborderline obsession w chilling, while still showing my appreciation forclassic black and white photography.¨Internet, no one understands me. I go outof my way to leave cryptic blogs, yet no one ever seems to be interested. Likewhen I wrote "right now my life is in chaos, but I know things will getbetter bcuz I am strong." And "My love is som1 out there (they knowwho they are) and I wish we could find each other, and that things were different."I even changed my mood from 'chill' to 'betrayed'! Some1 commented that Ishould stop bitching. You're mean sometimes, internet. Why won't anyone noticewhat a tortured sensitive soul I am? Maybe if I put glitter in the backgroundof my myspace and use a terrible, overplayed rap song to ear-rape anyonefoolish enough to wander onto my page. I should sprinkle some pictures animecharacters around, too.¨Ohh, I can make a slideshow with my pictures! Now I canshow me and my homegrrls chillin' 2 gether. Ha! "Homegrrls". I'm soironic. No, she looks prettier than me in that one. Dam, that one too. WTF?!Rachel Breyez!? What's that cunt doing in my photo album?!¨I wish my parentswould just buy me the landrover they promised me already. Then I would drive toparis where they appreciate sensitive, artistic people. I've been chatting withthis guy online from there who is a total hottie. He's 47, and he said he'llbuy me PBR and Parliaments. He also said he'll buy my plane ticket there so wecan be together soon, too. I'm too mature to be attracted to these silly boysat my school. That's why I attract older men. THERE's that picture of medancing on a pole w a forty. Get in that slideshow, you lil' rascal. I can'twait for the new my chemical romance/fall out boy/plain white t's/somethingcorporate/brand new/coheed and cambria/mars volta cd to come out. If peopledon't like them it just validates how much of an individual I am. Now where'smy scribbled on chucks and hair gel?¨Whoops, my bff Ashli is hittin' up mycelly 2 go 2 the mall! G2g TtyL! ;}¨¼/span>Š

- Emo_GRRL4U4EVA_U4EA¨¨¼/span>

"I give it out like asoup kitchen."¨¨¨¨¨