I'll try to get through this without using "cosmic," or references to the "universe," on account that it'd make me sound "fey".

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=11974811940

So this little ditty popped up on my invitations, and I thought "Well that's neat, there's a Derby party with some guy from something."
And then I realized I'd rather clamp my genitals in a George Foreman grill when I saw this little bit of information:

18 and up for girls

21 and up for guys

Classy stuff, fellas. Now I know, consenting adults and living your lives and everything, but really? Are you that bad at picking up women that you'd rather make sure there's no possibility that there will be anyone their own age there for you to be compared to? But this wouldn't be for nefarious purposes, right? Never, in a million years, would one of these male attendees use their age to buy alcoholic beverages in a desperate attempt to go at least one night without jacking off into their mom's hand towels. But hold onto your hats, because things are getting better:

VIP tables available: $650
includes:
cover for 8 people
Large bottle of Grey Goose
Large bottle of Moet Champagne

Well, it's hard to argue with that kind of high rolling. Panties are all but guaranteed to be flying through the air with these big spenders. Game set match, Brody Jenner. Considering admission for one is $20, why wouldn't someone pay a premium price for premium beverages? According to Wikipedia, because I'm too lazy to do actual research, Grey Goose's humble beginnings began as such:

"When Sidney Frank created Grey Goose, he priced it well above established competitors such as Absolut. This high price created a perception of quality. Frank's strategy proved successful, as Grey Goose was a financial hit and led to significant changes in the market. Many people attribute Grey Goose as being a major inspiration for the various other high-priced vodkas."

And, honestly, if anyone wants to dispute the different tastes of Vodka, try out a little experiment: mix the shittiest, pipe cleaning, throat bloodying vodka you can find with one red bull, and then throw a shot of some of the finest Vodka available into another, and maybe a third choice for fun. Now, without knowing which is which, have a taste and see if you can tell the difference. Go ahead, I'll wait.


So at first, as rational people would think, we might say "the fuck?" But it actually is kind of poetic. Brody Jenner, in himself, is not famous. He hasn't accomplished anything. Nothing. He's the son of Olympic runner Bruce Jenner, and the fact that his sperm was the only one strong enough to swim out of that urethra is the beginning and end of things impressive about him. So why is he the "special host" of anything?

Well, that gets us to the only conclusion: he's famous for being famous. He has done nothing of worth, yet we somehow know him as famous. He's certainly not the first of this caliber; you have your Tila Tequilas, Paris Hiltonses, Nicole Richies (but I guess who cares about her anymore, she had a baby or something), and a laundry list of others. Everyone has a favorite. Even the Hills characters are actors, so they at least kind of have something. So is it possible that they've realized this, and this is all some kind of crazy performance art?¼br>
1. An overpriced party for guys who are older than the high school girls they're trying depressingly hard to bang on the hope they'll appear "Mature" based solely on their age (wet t-shirt contests and roofies aside, right ladies? Respect).
2. Serving overpriced and therefore assumed "Quality" beverages that are exactly the same as anything else.
3. Hosted by someone we all assume is some kind of celebrity even though there's nothing to support such a statement outside of the razor blade condom section of hell.

Is it possible for there to be this many coincidences in one night? One perfect moment of irony in which no one involved is aware?


As much as I'd like to say people should go, just to see it, I can't. This is because the co-host is Frankie Delgado, who is basically the same person as Brody Jenner, and if the rules of Time Cop are to be believed (which they should be), if the same matter occupies the same space, the universe will melt into itself.

Or maybe I'm just a pretentious bag of dick.

Curling. In terms of national importance, it falls somewhere between handball and the world record holder for eating pancakes. If you're not familiar with the object of the sport, as almost no one outside of the participants and their embarrassed relations would be, it consists of two teams of four men (or women, who gives a shit, it's curling),one of whom pushes a big granite stone towards a big target, called the house. And there's no name for the granite stone, they're just big rocks. Even curlers don't give a shit what the fuck you call it, they know you're just killing time until the luge. Anyway, you can knock out other players' stones and hope you score more points. And here's a little trivia for you: it's known in curling circles, no doubt the shadiest group of badasses this side of a knitted apron, as "chess on ice".