On the question of free will.
Do we have free will? Everything points to yes. We certainly have the feeling that whatever we are doing at any given moment is our free and unobstructed decision, usually taken as what we like to think of as the best possible of all alternatives.

HOWEVER
How can we live within a world in which it is generally accepted that things act within a causal framework AND still believe that we ever had any choice in the matter as to whether or not we were going to eat that cheeseburger or lock our keys in the car for the tenth fucking time this year?!

Time can be seen as a line (ex. ------------------) There is a beginning and an end, the end being, for the sake of argument, the present. Now, that line is punctuated by an infinite amount of events, all being affected by the events that occurred earlier in the line (1--------2-----3---4--) Here we have the cross-section of the time line, event 1 could probably be... I dunno... my father deciding to have that one last beer in 1985, event number 2 is him forgetting to wear a condom, event 3 is my being born, and event four is my 5th birthday where I cried because the clown my mother hired for me couldn't adequately perform the simple task of making his nose honk (what the hell?).

So this is how we generally accept that things work, every event has a cause. However, then a ll of these events must stem back to the beginning of time... to the FIRST event in the universe which caused the second which caused blah blah blah. So when I decide to stay up all night watching G-String divas on HBO and doing lines of coke off of a birthday card from my grandmother... how can I really say that I ever had any choice in the matter? One's choices should always leads back to the big bang, in some way or another.

"AH", you say, "but there's the question of God". God gave us the ability to decide what we are going to do with our lives and whether we will subsequently burn in hell or lick postage stamps for Pat Robertson in heaven. We will forgo the question as to whether or not there is a God for a later session that will never occur. Instead, we'll chalk everything up into two possibilities. A:There is no God and everything we do falls into this causal matrix already discussed. Or B: There is an omniscient omnipotent omnipresent power out there who breathed life into man and... made woman out of spare body parts... apparently.

What does it mean if there is a God like this? Well, God started it all, he made the universe with a flash and a flourish and everything in it, including porcupines and that Uncle that never comes to Thanksgiving anymore. Now, it was supposedly God's plan for man to be made in his image and... do things. Also, he supposedly gave us free will. Ah, but a problem arises from this version of our oft bearded, oft sandaled creator: how can an omniscient, omnipotent power create something without knowing before even creating it exactly how it will behave in the end? Omniscient means that God knows everything that will ever occur from the alpha to the omega, so when God created you... wouldn't he have to know that you were going to lose all of your money in a pyramid scheme or marry a waitress named Claire and have a child with a lazy eye? He would have to (that minx)!

So the God argument is a bust unless he lacks some of his all-powerful... powers... which would take that capital G down a peg. The only way would be for God to be able to limit his own knowledge... which is a logical conundrum right next to "could God make a vodka gimlet so powerful that not even He could finish it without going into that fucking story he always tells at bars, around closing time, about his son?".

CONCLUSIONS: Who the fuck cares? The illusion of free will is so good that it is indistinguishable from the genuine article. Besides, philosophers are just hacks who play with words in order to escape the fact that they drive a ford Taurus and watch entirely too much Jeopardy. At the end of the day, it doesn't actually matter whether or not you had any choice in taking that girl home last night who, in the daylight, kind of resembles Al Franken-- you still have to make her coffee and get her the hell out of your bed.

Boston
(617) dude, all these ppl at the harbor are dressed like indians wtf. come get me.

Lexington
(781) the british r coming. no homo lol.

D.C.
(202) I shot burr, that a-hole deserved it.

Texas
(956) I was at the Alamo all nite, blacked out, don't remember a thing.

D.C.
(202) I totally just freed the slaves, Davis is gonna be so pissed. LOL.

Berlin
(+49 030) Somehow wound up in Poland. crazy night.

New Mexico
(505) I m become deth.

Alabama
(334) Drunkk as fukk on front seat of bus. No ideaa where i am
(1-334) Don't move. I'm coming to get you.

Havana
(+53) Dude the soviets just hooked us up fat wit som nukes
(202) This is the usa
(+53) fuck

D.C.
(202) oh man, just boned this fatty. don't tell hillary.

Hair - dreaded or simply unwashed
Clothes - made of hemp
Accessories - A bong that costs more than all of your text books

Accessories - Clip board filled with possibly fraudulent voter registrations. Mickey Mouse voted Obama.
Catch phrase - "Would you like to..." You will never hear the rest, because you're going to class... and you hate them.

Never take this advice. You're friend is a naïve idiot, telling the truth is f*cking stupid, and will never get you want you want. Here's what happened when I decided to cut the crap and tell the truth at a job interview. Be warned: The truth will set you free... from employment and sex.

Interviewer - Tell me about yourself.

Leah - Hi my name is Leah and I'm an alcoholic... Oh, sorry, old habits die hard. I'm not an alcoholic... anymore. With the help of prayer and meditation I've thrown that monkey off of my back.

Now, I just smoke weed. Copious amounts of weed. In fact, I'm high right now. It helps make boring people fun. Even you seem interesting to me right now.

There's not going to be a drug test for this job, is there? I can pass it. I'll just have to tape a condom filled with my friend's piss to my leg. It'll be a pain in the ass, but I can do it if you really need me too.

Why did you leave your last job?
My manager was a sexist asshole. He didn't respect me because I'm a woman. I'm a very devout feminist, you know. I even stopped shaving my legs to make a point about how society tries to turn women into little girls.

Actually, to be completely honest, I just really hate shaving my legs. It's a pain in the ass.

Anyway, it's important to me to be treated with respect even though I'm female... and have huge boobs. I mean, I know my boobs are really big and awesome but that shouldn't make it so men treat me any differently. It's just not fair to my gender and it diminishes me as a person to always get free things and have people go out of their way to help me and be nice to me. I demand to be treated with the same respect as a man... or an ugly chick.

What do you feel is your greatest strength?

My legs. I can do a ton of squats without breaking a sweat.

What do you feel is your greatest weakness?

I have a thing for guys in power. If someone is my boss and has control over me, I can't resist. I hope that doesn't interfere with me being hired. I'm really great at all kinds of jobs... and I'm willing to go down... I mean, I'm down for anything. I hope you're up for anything...

And ice cream. I also like ice cream.

Describe a time when you held a leadership position. What was the outcome?

Well this is a pretty awesome story actually. Last Sunday, my friends and I wanted to get really, black-out, stupid drunk but all of the stores had already closed and we couldn't get any booze.

Everyone was about to give up, get high, and watch South Park, but I took a stand and said, "Not tonight! I am on a diet and munching out on ramen noodles and chocolate ice cream for the next three hours is not going to help my ass get perkier! We are going out boozing!"

To make a long story short we not only got obliterated drunk, but there were some strippers, pills, and lots of dancing involved. It's pretty safe to say that the outcome was that - I am awesome.

Can you describe a time where you have been required to perform as part of a team?  What part did you play in the team and what was the outcome of the exercise?

I don't work with other people. They just slow me down. F*ck um. Team sports and events are just a group of weak people leaning on each other to become slightly less useless. It's really pathetic actually. We all do NOT need somebody to lean on.

Alright, that's it. Thanks for your time and we'll be in touch.

I'm sure you will be. You'd be an idiot to pass this up. Peace out.

˜Twas a calm summer night,

but two cherries burned bright.

One from a joint,

The other from a pipe.

¼/o:p>

The darkness surrounding

Their oasis of light,

While the skunky funky smoke

Took them places, alright.

¼/o:p>

Settled on the back porch,

Seated semi-circle,

Each one relaxed and chilled

By that dank sticky purple.

¼/o:p>

One boy sat alone,

And dude, was he geekin'.

Too stoned to speak,

He'd been high all that weekend.

¼/o:p>

So high was the boy,

He was barely sane.

For the good ganja smoke

Had invaded his brain.

¼/o:p>

Ideas and thoughts

Rushed through his head so fast paced,

He was beginning to think

The Mary Jane had been laced.

¼/o:p>

Paranoid now,

And crippled with fear,

He stood up and screamed

"I'm kirkin' out here!"

¼/o:p>

The friends all knew

What the boy needed next.

So they passed him the pipe

Called the Bongasaurus Rex.

¼/o:p>

The boy almost cried,

And said "No man, I can't."

For it stood four feet tall

And ate weed by the plant.

They all urged him on

Using awesome peer pressure,

Just cuz the green was so good,

It had never been fresher.

¼/o:p>

Finally relenting,

The boy took his place.

And brought that great bong

Right up to his face.

¼/o:p>

He breathed all air out

As he prepared to inhale.

He was suddenly nervous,

And his face got all pale.

¼/o:p>

But no turning back

As the cherry was lit,

And the boy set a record

For the World's Biggest Hit.

¼/o:p>

The circle applauded,

But the boy said "I quit."

And he stood up so fast,

His pants filled with shit.

¼/o:p>

Yes the boy got so stoned,

That he released his bowels.

And the circle all gasped,

Cuz the air had been fouled.

¼/o:p>

So the next time you smoke,

And you've got quite a bit,

See if you can reach that state

Where you're really high as shit.

RecentlyI've kept a notebook next to my bed with a little reading light and a pen. Theidea was to write down any ideas that come to me while I'm sleeping so that Ican remember them in the morning.

¼o:p>

Afterabout 3 weeks of doing it this is what I've got down so far. It's not in anyparticular order and the ideas weren't for anything specific, just things thatI thought was funny.

¼o:p>

Theysaid to keep a pen and paper next to your bed so you can write down ideas thatyou would normally forget in your sleep. The only thing I have come up with isthat bad handwriting and jokes are made worse when made in the dark.

¼o:p>

Ilike to listen to my Ipod when I sleep. I just put I on shuffle and drift off.The only problem I find is that like to get ringbones of my favorite songs formy cell phone. So late at night when a song comes up on the shuffle I will tryto answer my phone. Then when no one answers I think I must have missed a callso I just my recent call list and call back the last person I talked to andthen yell at them for waking me up.

¼o:p>

Iget nervous that I might get to bland. Like if I were to be in a movie I'd bethe guy that gets out of his car to stare at the sky. (Not really sure what Imeant for that one)

¼o:p>

Ilove quoting things. I like to quote movies and other comedians. I also like tohang out with people who don't watch any T.V. or movies so that they think whatI say is original and that I'm funny. And the best part is that if I ever getcaught I can just say, "Oh so you like that movie too. Sweet."

¼o:p>

TapDancing American Idol (I was in tears I was laughing so hard when I thought ofthis one)

¼o:p>

Ihate the sound of my own voice. And I know a lot of people say that. And I justthink that's rude.

¼o:p>

Gotto keep in shape. I've been trying this new thing called, um, steroids.

¼o:p>

Ilove sleeping in girl's and British guy's beds. And it's not a sex thing oranything. I'd much rather prefer they were not there. What I love is how cleantheir beds are. When I make billions of dollars I plan to sleep in a differentgirl or British guy's bed every night.

¼o:p>

Ican't figure out writing papers for school.I write one where everything is justified with samples fromthe text and I am told that I am summarizing. I write a paper with no examplesand I'm too vague. I write a good paper and I'm plagiarizing. Can't win.

¼o:p>

Itook an acting class and about half way through we were all given monologues tolearn and perform. The teacher said that she chose our monologues based on ourpersonalities and whom she thought we would relate to. I was Charlie Brown. Andthe other thing that was weird was that everyone got really bleak anddepressing monologues of like people dieing or hard break ups. After a while ofthis a student said that someone should do a funny one to kind of brighten upthe class. The teacher chose me to do mine. Now I don't know what Charlie Brownspecials they all were watching while growing up but the ones I was used to hewas always bleak and depressing. That was a lot of goddamn pressure on me to allof a sudden be funny with material that I always read as being a downer.

¼o:p>

Iwork in customer service. One time I had to tell a customer "I'm really sorryabout that," and the customer said, "You don't sound like you are sorry. I don'tbelieve you." So I said, "Well I am sorry about that too I guess."

¼o:p>

Beingthe DD is bad. Especially when there was some kind of disaster that ishappening like a tornado or an earthquake. Cause everyone else will be laughingand you'll be the only one freaking out.

¼o:p>

BrokebackMountain was by far the weirdest chick flick movie I have ever seen. The twoguys are up there kissing in an ever too tender embrace and then yourgirlfriend will look over at you with that "that's so hot I wanna make out"look. I'm thinking "This? This is what is getting you in a mood?" Why can't sheget turned on when it's two girls making out? Then everybody wins.

¼o:p>

Ialways feel bad for my roommates cause I will wake up in the morning and turnon the T.V. and realize that last night I was watching T.V. with the volumeblasting.

Commissioner Stern,

I would like to formally declare my decision to enter the NBA draft. If you have been following the news you may have seen my press conference; however I sincerely doubt it as my mother was the only one filming it at the time, and the footage was removed from YouTube due to copyright restrictions. Please send me the proper paperwork so that I can fulfill my dreams of becoming a star Point Guard for whatever team chooses to acquire my services.

I believe that with a little hard work together we can rejuvenate the NBA into a league that is considered to be full of top-tier talent and top-tier people as well, and not the thugs like Ron Artest the NBA continues to employ. If you are looking for a player that can shave points, you've found your man. In High School my nickname was 'Bedsheets' because I always covered the spread.

If drafted, I won't drink and drive anymore. Well at least on weeknights - during the offseason - after the 4th of July. I promise to leave the strip clubs before my posse starts any fights. I won't own agun until I turn 25 and even then I promise not to aim it at people until I turn 27. In all seriousness if Michael Ruffin can makethe NBA, why can't I. Please send me the paperwork as soon as possible as my duties as a full-time student and apart-time father will take up most of my time.

Sincerely,

Josh Zurn

The Ohio State University