CollegeHumor: SUNY Oswego Stuff

What Wouldn't Jesus Do

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 19:18:00 -0400

What would Jesus do? OK, that's a valid question kid who is "saving himself for marriage" butI feel like what Jesus wouldn't do is stuff that I would be more likely toaccomplish. Now I'm not saying I haveloose morals or anything like that but can we take a look at some of the stuffthe "Bearded One" has accomplished. Heturned water to wine (and that was just to start off). That would be prettycool actually, and make you markedly more popular at an Italian fratparty. Then he stopped a storm just byasking nicely. This is just asking for lawsuits, especially during hurricaneseason, for example.

Scene: Hurricane Katrina

Tom: Wow it's getting pretty bad out there. What should do?

Larry (looks at WWJD bracelet): Don't worry, I got this.

Larry goes outside and BOOM! Volvo straight to the dome andthat is the only way I can see it happening. Then Jesus goes on to cure leprosy and raise people from the dead. TheDEAD! Death is usually pretty permanent, and to completely nullify that fact isa big deal.

Now, I'm not here to go all Sunday morning worship on yourass, but with a little background we can move on to other things. Like whatwouldn't Jesus do, this is where the rest of us step in.

1)     Delegate- Jesus couldn't do that. I mean I'msure he tried to make getting nailed to a cross sound like a sweet party thateveryone would be at , but no one would take his spot.

2)     Sex- This one is controversial, but Jesus wassaid to have never been able to nail...bad choice of words.

3)     Eat a burger on Fridays- This just sucks, whichis why I'm glad I was raised Catholic, because as long as you go to confessionyou and the big man are all good.

4)     Dirty Jokes- I'm just guessing someone who wasgoing to die for sins would never be able to make his own version of theAristocrats. "The father, I, and the holy spirit go in to a talent agent...."

5)     Stare at boobs- And why would you need to whenyour pops made boobs. Just ask for some for your birthday (aka Christmas).

I figured I have probably offended enough people by now. The End.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2157939"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/5/collegehumor.bc02820cfcb356b32627c195d8e803a0.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2157939">Tim</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:866"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792252">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

That Guy

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 19:32:39 -0400

Every so often, going to school, you will meet a certaintype of guy. Usually he is just known as"that guy" and for anonymity purposes it will have to stay that way. Now this guy usually varies from place toplace but has a certain few qualities that stay the same.

1)     Stench-Usually just body odor from when heworked out... four days ago. If you want the girls to know you worked out, buy asleeveless shirt and wash your tiny grease ball of a body.

2)     Head- The one on his shoulders, guy who thinkseverything is an innuendo, is huge! Usually swollen from his totallyunwarranted sense of confidence. It's like one giant zit.

3)     Talking-There is too much of it. It doesn'tmatter what he says, in fact this idea needs a paragraph to explain better.

OK, so talking. TodayI had a run in with said guy after a rather boring session of class. He doesn't start with a standard, "hey" or "what'sup?" no that would be just too normal. Instead it was, "Please shoot me now."Nice to see you too, from there he proceeds to tell me how he thinks the classis pointless and doesn't care at all what the professor has to say. Which wasnice of him to talk to me, and not even talk "to" me more like "rape my ears",because then I could really relate to his feeling of boredom and utter agony. He didn't ask if he could talk to me likethat, he just forcibly and without consent shoved unwanted utterances into myhead.

Unfortunately there are no known cures for "that guy". Weare fighting for a cure. Please help.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2157939"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/5/collegehumor.bc02820cfcb356b32627c195d8e803a0.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2157939">Tim</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:866"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792201">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Swine Flu and You

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 09:56:47 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> With swine flu running amok across college campuses I've decided to not research the disease and instead just write an article based on fear.

So the main tip every health center is giving out this fall and winter is to wash your hands, and keep them away from your face. Instead just have your hands removed and put on ice until swine flu is over with. It may sound extreme but what person has ever needed hands? Plus everything tastes good as a shake (even steak, hence the restaurant chain Steak n' Shake).

Next, drink hand sanitizer. This will thouroughly sanitize your insides while also getting you hammered...before it kills you.

Don't f*&$ pigs. I feel like this one needs no explanation.

Eat bacon. This shows the pigs whose boss and that you're not backing down.

Read "Lord of the Flies". We've seen what pigs have done to us in the past. Let us not repeat it. (oh and sucks to your assmar)

Now grant it this is not real medical advice so don't try any of these. And if you thought to try one and then sue me for, well I don't have any money. Leaving you handless and poor.

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RACE WAR!!! (if in an enclosed space do not shout this, as the exclamation marks imply)

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 09:43:28 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Ok, this post isn't actually about a race war (sorry Rev. AlSharpie-ton (haha, i hate myself sometimes)), but I just thought thatcalling a track meet a race war would greatly increase people in theseats.

Now if you're still with me, great! Because from here onout the rest of the post is going to get just as arbitrary as the firstpart. Essentially I'm going to give you a little run down of what the"real" college experience is like. Spoiler Alert!! It's nothing likethe show "Greek". Sorry 15 yr. old girl who loves Nick Jonas. (P.S ifyour 15 and your reading my blog, odds are you have a terrible case ofBack acne)

OK first off, much of your time will be spent waitingto go eat. Not eating, just sitting in great anticipation of what willcause your next round of the runs.

Then, for guys this is, you will play more hours of than you can possible imagine. Here some fun things to do once you beat the game:

1)Spawn a helicpoter, fly as high as you can and jump out. Hitting a carwith your body is one of the most rewarding things you will accomplishin a semester. (yes, it's sad)

2) Spawn a fast car and just start running down hobo's. (my spell check actually corrected my spelling of hobo's. odd)

3) Just shoot S@#T! It's fun and relaxing after those long hours of procrastinating your stats homework.

4) Find some train tracks, get a car, and start playing chicken

Alright,then you have parties. Which are essentially a bunch of sweaty dudestrying to act cool in front of girls. Then you have the girls who startout the night saying "I'm only going to have one!" but eventually pukeon the carpet. Always on carpet.

For all the worried parents(including my mom) school work does get done...eventually. Now I'm notsaying to let your grades slip. Because then you would have to get areal job and besides reality TV I'm happy with my bubble.

Hopefully this has shed some light on stuff that was previously...not in the light?

P.S-i want to start a petition to change the "Olympics" to WAR OF THE WORLDS

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The (other) Last Supper.

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 13:56:44 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1919375"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/8/collegehumor.4baa87b4bc97ad130bf7b0e85ad075a9.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2131010">Corey</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:866"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

I stopped over at a co-workers house after work, got in the car after to find the Omen

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 01:39:16 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1917196"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/d/collegehumor.41565a56a6bebc2724986b1d21456081.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:510639">Dirt</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:866"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1917196">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Top Ten Jobs of the Future based off Current College Trends

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 15:36:14 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> 1. Will Ferrell Impersonator: Because you haven't seen Anchorman enough.

2. Herpes Remover: Herpes, it's not for life anymore!

3. Blunt Roller: For all of those who cannot smoke a dutch without rolling it themselves.

4. Wingman for Hire: Because your boys will let you go home with anyone just so they can make fun of you the next day.

5. SportsCenter Analyst Analyzer: When getting your sports news isn't enough, you can have it regurgetated verbatim by those who got cut from little league.

6. Beer Pong Trophy Maker: It's the next big Olympic sport. Or X-Games.

7. Hot-girl-stronomer: Just like most science regarding heavenly bodies, most research will be done by geeks using pure speculation with no testable methods for proving theory.

8. Windows Cleaner: Good for wiping your computer clean after your roommate's three hour binge of internet porn.

9. Gourmet Ramen Noodle Chef: You'd never imagine the flavor combinations a little packet of seasoning can offer.

10. Unemployed: Between the economy and your apathy towards attending class, you're a natural!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1481723"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/0/collegehumor.838429ca5f4ed60411d0884013ec491f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1481723">Rones</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:866"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1778098">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Now there's a Batman!

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 14:54:03 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1915124"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/8/collegehumor.d830a97d9e5cd4ac8fd6e398d322829c.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1481723">Rones</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:866"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1915124">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

little taste o the Bridge Street Run

Sun, 10 May 2009 04:41:09 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1910667"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/5/6/collegehumor.ca3816c56b3f9fea0503448638b4476e.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:316188">OMG its Wilson</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:866"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1910667">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

3 pm, start of the bridge street run

Sun, 10 May 2009 04:26:59 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1910665"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/7/1/collegehumor.1bb93d2793a01f4178bd41416d062d6e.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:316188">OMG its Wilson</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:866"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1910665">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

In that guy's defense, it WAS Walmart

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 18:38:44 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1906022"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/7/8/collegehumor.f06c52175bb85e685088cba87add5c70.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:66623">GodDamnitTabor</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:866"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1906022">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Someone needs to see a doctor...

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 18:36:20 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1906021"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/e/collegehumor.56bc758b4183bfd17adc290e445325fe.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:66623">GodDamnitTabor</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:866"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1906021">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Mi bos spels grate

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 18:34:11 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1906020"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/a/collegehumor.af33893db5b300fe31b6a60a00ce6137.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:66623">GodDamnitTabor</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:866"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1906020">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

If any of those flying v's shit on T-Pain, there's gonna be trouble.

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 21:49:02 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1905920"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/0/collegehumor.a4156806e15ab16ed15655e03076543f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1915652">Danielle</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:866"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Brotherhood

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 10:22:05 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1904942"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/3/e/collegehumor.a5cc2de3d79ba6fdda666b5ebc12287a.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1861076">Eli Ouderkirk</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:866"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1904942">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Darth Vader Jr.

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 19:24:14 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1902284"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/f/2/collegehumor.693bdd6f71b9938bb3f27f52c1bb4b4d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:6532">Tony</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:866"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1902284">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

This sign is a lie!

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 15:24:35 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1900882"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/7/6/collegehumor.f0b83957f2cc0608ce9911b670332d8e.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1481723">Rones</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:866"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1900882">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Grab your prize!

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 04:40:43 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1896437"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/3/0/collegehumor.c12ae6e3dac8773348d813c0ca2e643c.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1887150">Actor6453</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:866"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

I think Chuck Norris would disagree.

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 15:07:46 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1895363"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/f/collegehumor.dc14cfc90f253199d7d5db3fb907f9ce.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1874335">Josh</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:866"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

College Girls....Sigh

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 15:42:52 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Every guy goes to college assuming that there will be a vast sea of women from which he has his choosing. He will pack his bags and move into his dorm with a massive grin, greeting every he meets with a smile and a handshake. However, little does he know the true college girl. He will be rather disappointed.¼div>First of all, pretty much any girl you meet at a frat party will be high maintenance, very close to being classified as a "bitch." These girls are rather attractive but have very little self confidence and they fish for compliments consistently. These girls will seem like girlfriend material at first but they really are not, unfortunately, they will want to be your girlfriend. Sadly, this lack of confidence is a sure sign that she will sleep with guys just so they like her. This party girl is also known for her obnoxious laugh and the constant clicking of texting coming from her hands at all times. She is also the most likely to anipulate¹our words and force you to look like the bad guy to her easy friends, but you shouldn't worry too much about them. Additionally, she will text you months later, when her annoying tendencies have faded from your mind and you will more than likely consider it and visit her at least once. Yes, you will once again consider the girl who pre-games and parties so frequently that vodka runs through her£irculatory³ystem.

Moreover, the majority of girls you will meet in your classes will bizarre. I'd say one out of twenty girls has potential. I'm not trying to be rude, but to find a girl who actually fits your personality is a rare find. Most of the girls in class will be awkward or strange. She may talk weird. She may be way too work oriented. She could have an odd affinity for the Jonas Brothers. And if she does, leave her immediately, you will thank me later. However, most of the girls I've met that throughly enjoy the Jonas Brothers are the girls most likely to do crazier things sexually. It is a weird relation, but I may have to construct some experiments on the topic.... But if the Jonas Brothers is evident, run. Other than that the girl from class will most likely be smart, perhaps funny, but you can have intellectual conversations with her, but you will most likely disagree with her on every topic you discuss.

You will also meet the chill girl, who will seem appealing at first, but is in fact the craziest of the girls. Most girls will find something to complain about even if it seems pointless, or she has no real evidence to warrant her claim. The chill girl will also do this, but it will be more dramatic and thus funnier when she has her epiphany and realizes she could not have been more wrong. Sure, she will listen to Radiohead with you, but she will also drive you mentally insane when you realize how many "debates" she actually has.¼br>

Eventually you may or may not find the proverbial "cool girl" but just look out for these types of girls. I know they are stereotypes. But where do stereotypes come from? Actual mannerisms and nuances that can categorize people. So, this isn't meant to be offensive, just informative. Also to prove the fact that girls are definitely still crazy. We are still missing some critical advances in technology...but one day we will understand.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1861076"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/5/0/collegehumor.a2ebc4953b83042dcef89f20ca890ba2.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1861076">Eli Ouderkirk</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:866"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1767690">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />