CollegeHumor: Providence Articles

Middle School Janitor Wanted Ad

Tue, 07 Oct 2008 23:01:17 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> From herdingscapegoats.wordpress.com

Has anyone ever noticed that the majority of middle school janitors are cut from the same cloth? I imagine that the wanted ad in the local newspaper looks remarkably close to this...

Must be Vietnam Veteran - Applicant need not worry as student body does not resemble Vietcong as much as high school and college students. Movements are more predictable and physical prowess has not developed as much in a 13 year old as in an 18 year old.

Must have missing appendages - Whether it be teeth, fingers, the majority of their left ear or a full head of hair, applicants must be easily identifiable to the student body with a minor deformity that they're more than happy to show-off as long as you are willing to make physical contact with them. Withered hands and/or limp are also acceptable.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:243163"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/8/collegehumor.2aa2fe89e95a350ab6ef52d884ee33de.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-10-07 23:01:17 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:243163">Tom</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:291"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 24 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Your Brain on Drugs

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 02:16:10 -0400

What was said = What was meant

Let's go for a ride. = Let's go get fast food.

Let's go to the mall. = Let's go eat at the food court.

Let's hang out in someone's basement. = Let's go eat snacks in someone's basement.

Let's watch teenage mutant ninja turtles. = Let's order pizza and not pay attention to the TV.

Let's go smoke again. = Let's go get even hungrier.

Can I eat your food? = I'm going to eat your food.

Do you have anymore food? = I ate your food.

Can I put on music? = I want to hear a different song every 30 f*cking seconds.

You can pass out here if you want. = I'm going to teabag you.

Yo, just chill, man = Yo, just chill, man.

I'm freakin' out! = I'm freakin' out! ...Let's go get fast food.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:257224"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/3/collegehumor.edf4ca868ddc114bb888c893aa7ca43e.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:257224">Bud Jay</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:291"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1760739">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Gay Pot Head

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 16:59:44 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> The gay pot head arrives at a quiet location ready to chill with 2 new friends.

Gay Pot Head: Hey guys! Ready to get high?

Kid 1: Yeah, tone it down a bit, we don't want to draw any attention to ourselves. Did you have to wear a bright pink shirt and white pants?

Gay Pot Head: Whoopsy! Guilty as charged! All right let's huddle in nice and close, should I pack the bowl?

Kid 2: Yeah go for it, I'll pack the next one.

Kid 1: You can let go of my hand.

The gay pot head pulls out a phallic shaped piece.

Kid 1: What the...

Kid 2: I've never seen a pipe like that before...is that a penis pipe?

Gay Pot Head: Hehe, no silly! It's just a regular pipe. These balls are for holding in case the shaft gets too hot and wet.

Kid 1: Wet...?

Gay Pot Head: Okay guys let's smoke this shit!

Kid 2: Chill for a second, someone's walking over here.

A good-looking girl walks bye, minding her own business.

Kid 1: Damn, look at that ass.

Gay Pot Head: Oh my gawd, I wonder if that Fendii bag is real!

The gay pot head proceeds to insert the pipe deep into his mouth, much deeper than necessary.

Kid 1: Ahh....what...why are you doing that?

Kid 2: Dude you're putting that thing way too far into your mouth.

Gay Pot Head: This is just the way I smoke, what can I say, I like to take nice long deep hits.

Kid 1: I think you just like to take it deep.

Gay Pot Head: cough cough Okay who wants it next?

Kid 1: Shit, I think I have a test tomorrow, I'm gonna take a rain check.

Kid 1 leaves, Kid 2 remains, determined to get high.

Gay Pot Head: Aww, that's no fun! My my my, I'm already high! This weed is FABULOUS!

Kid 2: Alright just give me the damn pipe.

Kid 2 puts the penis up to his mouth, hesitates, and then takes a hit. He inhales some smoke and exhales some dignity.

Gay Pot Head: Just the tip? Mmm, take a nice hit. Yeahhh, that's it, suck it in bad boy!

Kid 2: cough cough What'd you just say?!

Gay Pot Head: Okay my turn!

Kid 2: Shit dude, I'm good after one hit. ...Ehh, I'll see you around dude.

Gay Pot Head: Ugh! I have to finish all this by myself! Whatevs! Soo...tomorrow, same time same place? Toodles!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:12143"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/default/collegehumor.baby.23.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:12143">Terence M</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:291"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

My Weird Ass School: Orientation Icebreakers

Mon, 03 Sep 2007 00:22:26 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Let's face the facts: orientation games are about as fun as getting molested by uncle Roy. Every college over these past few weeks has tried to put their own fun spin on icebreakers, so they think up fun things for students to do. The problem with these alleged activities is that they're not actually any fun.
In all fairness, it's not like we as incoming freshman don't expect to see them. They're everything we've heard about from our friends, told about from our parents, and informed about from books and websites (I'm looking at you collegehumor). Yet even with all this information we as incoming freshman find ourselves continually ass raped by the big brother of icebreakers.
Orientation games - or icebreakers if you will - come in a few different styles, all of which are painful in their own separate ways.

1) The Awkward Situations Icebreaker: anyone who's ever been in a group of 10-12 people they don't know expect silence more or less. Everyone is afraid of being that person to put themselves out there and try to get a conversation going. This is normal and while there are exceptions about 98% of the time you'll end up with a very uncomfortable and nervous silence. To help get everyone comfortable with everyone else, orientation leaders devise little activities to say unique things about you to cause a chain reaction and spark conversation. These do not work because nobody wants to talk for fear of looking like an ass in front of potential drinking buddies and friends. The real problem however is that when you don't want to say anything you feel even worse because then you're the punk bitch who doesn't have enough nuts to say his favorite food (answer: Spaggett-O's with meatballs. Gotta have the meatballs...). Now you might want to say "well that's not the orientation leader's fault, that's your fault for not being able to say anything" and you're absolutely right on that too. Grow a pair of nuts you pussy and say something. The problem is nobody has nuts until after orientation and thus you're stuck with situations that leave you feeling awkward with those in your group. Way to make a few friends early on slugger.

2) The Drinking Games Without Alcohol Icebreakers: So you've sat through enough of the awkward silence games and your orientation leaders decide to change pace by playing games that have a pre-school homage to them in some light. Suddenly you're all sititng in a circle playing a game where you have to keep in rhythm and call out numbers. Does this game remind you of another game you play with a couple friends and some alcohol? Because it should. That's right, after those awkward silences are finally over you walk into a new trap, which is, in essence, drinking games without the drinking. Sure, games like "Never Have I Ever" seem fun when you're sober and trying to get to know people, but that's only because you haven't played it while drinking. Is there anything wrong with playing these games sober and in an orientation group? God no. In face, they might even be better icebreakers than most other ones because they don't force you to talk, either step in a circle if you've done some shit like accidentally run over a cat (and I use the word "accidentally" loosely because you know deep down your love is for dogs and dogs alone), or just say numbers off the top of your head. You can say numbers like a pro, you've been doing it almost all your life! All that said, it's still kind of strange to play "zoomie zoomie" without a cold one in hand.

3) The "Dude I Feel like a Fag" Icebreakers: By this point in orientation your small group of 10-12 has joined forces with the other 16 groups of 10-12 to create the ultimate Power Ranger. Does that analogy sound gay? Clearly you haven't seen shit until you're asked to stand back to back and lock arms with a guy and start dancing. That's right, this is the point at orientation where you're continually saying to your buddy "Mark I think I'm turning gayer by the second." It's a good thing you picked up on those signals, cause you probably are. Screaming out silly things with over-energetic people, having to sit on another guy's lap (yes, you did read that correctly), and lying down on your stomach and talking about your favorite movies are all a part of this section of orientation. Guard your asshole like it's gold during this part, there's no better advice I can give you other than that.

So there you have it: icebreakers in a nutshell. Is your school different? Eh, maybe, but that doesn't excuse any one of you from the fact that at some point during your orientation you had to turn to your friend and say "dude, I feel like a total fag. What's your favorite movie that starts with the first letter of your name?"

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The Fine Line

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 22:29:04 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> I sit in my living room watching TV with my best friend Sam Donovan while my dog, Samson Blackjack, lays at my feet...

Me: ...Dane Cook is really starting to piss me off. I mean, get over it.

Sam: What the hell are you talking about? Cook is the modern Seinfeld. Observations, dude! We live his jokes!

Me: Whatever. Agree to disagree.

Sam: Idiot.

...a few seconds of silence pass by...

Me: I love you Sam. You're my little guy.

Sam: What? Are you-- what'd you just say?

Me: What?

Sam: You just said you loved me and that I'm your little guy.

Me: No you fag ass, I was talking to my dog. Get over yourself Dane.

Sam: Oh...*laughs*...I thought you were talking to me, creepy.

...a few more seconds pass by...

Sam: So tonight, do you want to--

Me: I really think you're a cute boy Sam. I love giving you kisses.

Sam: Dude what the fuck? What are you trying to do?

Me: Holy shit man I was talking to my dog. Can you relax for a minute and get comfortable. You know that I have a girlfriend that I love.

Sam: True. It's just that, everything you're saying could go both ways.

Me: Yea, well, I guess I could go both ways.

Sam: What does that even mean?

Me: Forget it, you're so gay.

...the next few seconds seem to take an eternity with the amount of awkward that fills the air; it's palpable and can be cut with a knife...

Me: Listen Sam, I just want to say that I think about you when you're not here and that I really enjoy everytime we make physical contact.

Sam: Alright asshole. There's no way that you were talking to your dog that time.

Me: Wow, you're ridiculous. I was merely saying that whenever Sam goes to the vet I miss him and that I like petting him and wrestling around. Not unlike when you and I wrestle. Can I show some affection to my dog without you accusing me of making a move on you? God, you're not even my type.

Sam: You're ty--?

Me: You're so gay sometimes. I don't even know why I bother.

...unbearable seconds tick past...

Me: I'm wearing your underwear.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:243163"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/8/collegehumor.2aa2fe89e95a350ab6ef52d884ee33de.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:243163">Tom</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:291"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1739501">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />