Guy Sitting in the Back Looking At His Watch: Oh! Oh! Call on Jim Peterson! Jim Peterson! His hand has been in the air for, like, a minute now. Call on him, he always knows the answer! Man, how is he able to hold his hand up in the air for so long? I am so impressed with his dedication despite the fact that his arm must be exhausted by now. Whoops, better check my watch again. I don't do it to see how much time is left in class, but merely to time how quickly Jim gets the answers to each and every question. He's brilliant. Every time I grumble "Shut up, you loser" under my breath, I'm just talking to anyone else who may be interrupting Jim while he asks a question or answers one. I wish I could tell him how much I respect and admire him, but I have to leave class really fast so I can tell all of my friends about how awesome he is.

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FILM/TV 307: Introduction to Lost Theorizing - "Learn how to properly theorize about the television program, Lost. Example: Like, what if Jack's dad, Sun's dad, and Penny's dad planned the plane crash to happen? What if they've been working together since the beginning? And the smoke monster could be the remnant consciousness of a superadvanced race (who had four toes) that was separated corporeally due to a large electromagnetic event - known as 'The Incident.' Wouldn't that be crazy?! Requires rudimentary knowledge of the program and a lot of time spent sifting through Lostpedia." 3 credits.

Required: Lostpedia.com, EW's Doc Jensen, Lost - Seasons 1-4

Online course. Meets in chatroom immediately after new episode airs.

BIOL 431: Advanced Blowjob Reception - "Learn when and how to tell her (or him) to: go faster, go slower, more tongue, shit! Less teeth!, Oh yeah baby, oh god that feels so good, mmmm yeah, swallow me baby, oh god oh god oh god, ohhhhhhhh, it feels so, oh my god, I'm so sorry, let me get you a glass of water. Learn proper warning time and how to clean up the mess afterwards." 15 credits.

Required: Penis

Meets MTWThFSSu, 6:30 p.m. - 7:15 p.m.

FR 512: Introduction to Useful French - "Learn how to say swear words in French, to trick your douchebag roommate phrases that he thinks will impress French chicks when he backpacks through Europe. God, what a douche. Also, learn phrases like 'You are the most beautiful thing in the world' and 'I have never felt this way about a woman before' and 'Yes, I am Johnny Depp's cousin' to impress French girls or girls who like guys who speak French." 2 credits.

Required: Maybe a beret, try to grow a goatee, but if you can't it's no biggie

Meets T, 3:00 p.m. - 3:15 p.m.

CHEM 131: Fireworks! - "Watch fireworks explode in the air. Learn when to say 'ooo' and 'ahhh' and when to say 'that wasn't very impressive.' Watch as various professional fireworks designers try to dazzle you. Understand the fundamentals of blowing stuff up with the bigger fireworks." 4 credits.

Required: School provides the fireworks.

Meets W, 9:30 p.m. - 10:30 p.m.

BOT 420: Heh, Get It? - "Duuude. I'll show you some of the stickiest icky you'll ever see. Learn how to use bongs, pipes, and how to roll a joint. Make a bong out of almost anything. Spot me this time, bro? I'll smoke you out later, promise." 420 credits...psh, hahaha! Just kiddin', I have no idea. Like, three probably.

Required: Heat lamps, hemp, Adult Swim, cannabis, eye drops, cough drops

Meets later at the TA's place. He shares an apartment with this old guy who is hilarious when he tokes up.

 

May 1st, 1766

Independence, Missouri. Beautiful town, situated right between Harsh Dictatorship, MO and Dependence, MO (I wonder if one ever were to ever say something in the realm of "I will meet you in Dependence," would it lead to utter confusion? Ha! Thoughts such as these tickle my funny bone and will no doubt get me through the harsh fordings and pace-adjusting adventures that lie ahead!). This is where myself and my party of fellow manifest destiny-believing compatriots (Obadiah, Joanna, and Marvin) will begin our epic journey across the treacherous Oregon territory. There are several other parties making the trip as well, including a wealthy banker and a proud doctor. I have been recruited by a schoolteacher with little in the way of funds, but rich in spirit and point multipliers. Oops! Andrew has told me that my name has been changed to FART. Not a Biblical name, I'm pretty sure. Obadiah, Joanna, and Marvin are now POO, PEE, and ASS. I trust that Andrew has done this for a reason, perhaps this codename system will prove invaluable later on. We have purchased three oxen, 300 lbs. of food, some axles, some spare wheels, quite a few boxes of bullets, and yet only a single pair of clothes. Andrew, our leader, claims that this will save money and "doesn't really affect anything anyhow."

May 2nd, 1766

We have begun our trek across this harsh terrain! Moving at a steady pace has kept our health from taking a turn for the worse. Things are looking up already. We are eating hearty rations and just the other day Andrew shot over 1200 lbs. of food! However, we could only lug back 200 lbs. The strange thing? It was all squirrel meat.
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Gentlemen,

Dear God! I mean...dear GOD! This is bad. Like, I'm talking reeeeeal bad. Remember that time that kid found the severed head of a leper in a bag of our marshmallows? That was the golden age compared to what we're up against now. I mean, have you seen the news lately? Did you guys hear about this craziness? What the hell happened, people?!

Okay, I don't expect to have anyone in this room own up to it - I doubt its even possible that anyone in this room could be responsible - but I'll ask anyway:

Did any of you authorize the creation of a 100-ft. tall marshmallow creature bearing the copyrighted Stay-Puft Marshmallow logo and bearing a very strong resemblance to our mascot? Huh?

Johnson! I think we should cut funding to our "genetic modification" sector. Just in case.

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