Thankfully we're told it is NOT a depression (whew!), and if I recall the government even says that we will get out of this mess by 2010. Sounds great... really. But that's about it. So the government tries to calm people down and tell us this crisis will have a happy ending... have you ever heard the government admit they have no idea how to fix a problem and they're just as clueless as the rest of us? Of course not, how are they supposed to maintain control over a mass population if they admit that we're facing a problem that they can't even fix for us. Actually, when I say "a problem they can't even fix" I'm obviously ignoring the solutions of significantly cutting government spending and getting rid of the Federal Reserve which operates separate from our government yet practically runs our country at this point (but that would just be bad business, wouldn't it?).

Aside from the opinions and theories many people have to end our economic crisis... what does this mean for our fellow college graduates? Well, from one unemployed college graduate who is desperate for work (a clever way of saying "me"), I would say this economic crisis means:

- More time at home with the "rents" (CLEAN YOUR ROOM!!)

- Less employers returning phone calls/e-mails about job inquiries (maybe they lost your number...)

- The increasing probability of landing a job where you have to work with your hands rather than using your $40,000 college education (that at one time seemed like a magic "get a job" card)

- If you're single... the dating scene is really not as fun (but actually more awkward) when you're 23 and still live with your parents

- If you're already dating someone... it's hard for the lack of money and unclear life path to NOT affect the relationship (found this out the hard way... and as a result, I am now dealing with the previous bullet on my list)

- A lot of working for free hoping somebody will appreciate the work you do and decide to pay you (after a while of working for free, the idea of this leading to a 'payday' seems more and more like finding water in the Sahara desert)

- At one time, the artistic ambitions you had that seemed unrealistic to rely on for a living... seems like the best shot at supporting yourself (music, writing, acting... pursuing the dreams that set you apart from the rest now appears to be a better solution than working Maintenance at Shop Rite with people who don't speak English and never finished college)

- You're actually told that you are "overqualified" to perform a job, and they won't hire you because they thought you would get bored too easily (I guess this bullet is more specifically something that happened to me, but you will hear a wide variety of excuses why you won't get hired... the most common being "I'm sorry, but due to this unfortunate economy...")

- Craigslist becomes the permanent home page on your computer (I kid you not)

Anyway, I wish to all of those graduates who find themselves in the same boat as me: "good luck job-hunting" (I truly hate when people say this to me... why do they care?  They already have a job... It's like when you tell someone who's sick "get better", when all you're really thinking is "thank god, I'm not sick").  And mayhaps someday soon we will all find our way out of this "depression"...oops, what have I done...?

Here are my thoughts...

I like to carry a brick around wherever I go so every window is an emergency exit.

I once owned this very cocky, dyslexic dog...he thought he was god.

I was walking through the desert and I thought I saw a mirage, but it was a figment of my imagination.

I'm fluent in French, but I only speak in subtitles.

Some people say "life" is too short, even though "death" only has one more letter.

Ambition is putting a ladder against the sky... greed is kicking that ladder down after you get to the top.

When I was a doctor, I practiced malpractice.

Sometimes I paint my entire body in whiteout, so if I make a mistake people look right over me.

I wanted to know the meaning of life...so I looked it up.

When I was a child, my mother had to work to put the food on the table...but we didn't have a very big table, so she didn't have to work very hard.

I imagine before the invention of showers, when someone said, "You smell nice"...it really wouldn't mean much.

I think a funny thing to do would be to go back in time and convince theinventor of the washing machine that his idea is stupid and he shouldconsider retirement.  Then when he gives up, take his idea and rename it "The Litter Box."  Cats would be all confused, and it would teach them to hold it in.

I was fired from waiting tables because I waited too long.

The other day this cop gave me fantastic tickets for a band called "Speeding."  I hear they really push the limit.

When I was a child, I offered candy to strangers.

If you put your money where your mouth is...I wouldn't take it.

I was taking a walk across London Bridge...and it fell down.  I was all right, but the guy who wrote that song is being questioned by authorities.

I used to work at Carnegie Hall, but only for one show.  I was fired because I accidentally replaced the main stage lights with the clapper.  End of the show...standing ovation...people thought it was the end of the world.

WHERE'S WALDO?

- THE RE-IMAGINING -

Coming soon in 2010

In the height of America's "War on Terror" the U.S. Government discover that Osama Bin Laden was only a puppet in a greater plot against the American people. Heading this master plan is a smarter, quicker, and more vindictive terrorist leader who goes by one name: "Waldo". With no leads as to Waldo's whereabouts, the Government grows desperate and turns to their last resort... Odlaw, a bounty hunter who plays by his own rules. Having tangoed with Waldo before, Odlaw stole his dog 'Woof', and together they scour the Middle East for the source of all terrorism on American soil... WALDO.

Will Odlaw reach Waldo before he finds the "Keeper of Black Magic" Wizard Whitebeard? Only time will tell...

But for now everyone is begging the question:

"WHERE'S WALDO??!!" 

Ohhhhhh-- So close! Once again Waldo slips through the American Government's fingers!

Do: Flowers

Don't: Herpes

"I try to flat load my feet so I can snap load my power package that way I can amplify both lag and drag pressure through impact fix as long as my number 2 power cumulator doesn't break down I can reach maximum centripetal force with minimal pivotal resistance.  You see the pivot is the utilization of multiple centers to produce a circular motion for generating centrifical force on an adjusted plane plus it maintains the balance necessary to ???? the two-line delivery path. See golf is geometrically oriented in layered force and involves a physically muscular thrust and a geometry as a circle. You can divide the golf swing into 24 basic components, each having between 12 and 15 variations."

Does anyone have any idea what this means?

Don't: Show up late everyday

Do: Your boss's wife

    The sandwich, now the relative size a Cheez-it, was not even large enough to suffice his now radioactively large stomach. Now needing an elephant sized meal, he looked around. All there was was test tubes, chemicals, and peanuts (which we all know don't make a nice dinner, screw you Planter's).  With a  large growl that sounded like,"GEORGE SMASH!!!!",  he smashed his giant green fists against the experiment table.  CRASH!  The table was obliterated.  The only remnant of the table that had not been hit so hard that it's grandmother cried was an awkward goo on the hand of the titan. Doing what all fourth graders do, he licked his hands clean of the slime. With an ecstatic,"Oh!", he quivered and shrunk back to his normal size.

    He had discovered the anti-serum to his transformation, the stop sign to his traffic,the Fergie to his music enjoyment, the public to his idea of the right to marriage of gay people, the pregnancy of one of his one night stands to his bachelor days. That was how George Washington Carver invented Peanut Butter. It was magical, and went well with jelly. The end.

Don't: help him to his bed

Do: fart in his face

Don't: Lock it for him

Do: meatspin.com

Do: Girls

Don't: Guys