The term "queef" actually originates from the name of Saint Queef of Barnaby, whom you might have heard of in school or in your nightly recitation of the Litany. She was born Queef Mallery in the east of France in 1639. Extraordinarily devoted to faith as a young girl, Queef spent the majority of her time amongst her local diocese, trying to steal Goddish Things to worship. Notably, she was once caught in her quarters weeping upon a seven hundred pound iron door from the Church of Blingy Blong in Lyons, which had been missing for several days. As there was no earthly explanation for her ability to lift the door, and as this was during the blasé period of witch-hunting in Europe, this incident later counted as her first miracle.

Later on in life, Queef fell into the fad of helping the sick and the poor. Also in this time, much to the embarrassment of her parents, Queef began to fashion her hair into a right-facing gremment, also known as God's Hairstyle. When she was reproached, she clawed her face with her fingernails and dropped an anvil on her foot. Although French anvils in those times were made of cheese, her further ability to walk became her second miracle due to an oversight in the Catholic Church, which has still not been corrected. Shhhh.

Queef of Barnaby died in Genoa on April 20, 1671 of swallowbite. This was not counted as martyrdom, even though it was a pagan swallow. However, Pope Clement X was in attendance at the wake, as he happened to be in the region supervising the creation of relics from dog bones. Although she had been deceased for days, in the presence of Clement, the corpse of Queef Mallery miraculously and audibly performed the bodily function that would soon become attributed to her name. Stunned to tears, the Pope quickly returned to Rome and Saint Queef was canonized shortly after, forgoing the usual five-year waiting period and swimsuit competition. Saint Queef is the patron saint of concrete, runny things, and Tyra Banks.

There was once an esteemed physician from Illinois by the name of Charles Painbread. He garnered acclaim early in his career for his groundbreaking research on the effects of bees on headaches, and his hospital, St. Queef's in Chicago, was a model of reform. Painbread's most radical proposal came in 1917, when he announced the discontinuation of all overly complicated medical terms in order to facilitate patient relations. As part of the proposal, all congenital disorders were re-categorized with easy-to-understand names including "drippers," "twitchers," "chokers," "freakers, and "deaders."

"Boners" referred to children born with any form of abnormal bone development, including Umberto's Syndrome, in which a boy's hipbones are grossly overdeveloped in one direction. Oftentimes with Umberto's, this growth will align with the reproductive organ creating the appearance of a permanent priapism. Please note that this affliction is not Dumberto's Syndrome, in which the penis is in the shape of a small elephant.

The term "boner" came to refer to erections because of Chicagoan songwriter Julian Pigg's hit from 1919, "Henrietta," which contains these lines: "Henrietta, Henrietta, / You've made me a loner. / Now that I am without you, / I've only a boner." The song was referencing Pigg's divorce from obesity model Henrietta DeToot and the custody of their son, who had Umberto's Syndrome, but listeners generally made their own interpretations. The popularity of the song outlasted Painbread's proposal, which was withdrawn after the doctor tried to get the speculum renamed "the clamdigger." Nevertheless, "boner" also refers to an error or blunder because of Painbread's blanket term for birth defects: "God's Mistakes."

In the beginning, human reproduction was a relatively complicated procedure involving whistles and handshakes and often took as long as ten months. The genitalia that males currently had to work with was a small, fork-like appendage used mainly for holding olives which females were or were not allowed to consume depending on whimsy. Thus, the population at this point in history was only about seventy thousand strong.

All of this changed in the year 35,000 B.T. when the first man with genitals resembling those of modern man was born. He was a vile, unpleasant fiend with a gaping suckerhole of a mouth and a shock of frizzy red hair running from his ears to his arse. His name was Richard, but for reasons known only to him he referred to himself – and his member – as "Dick."

The forerunning males were effortlessly cast aside as Dick swiftly and violently became the progenitor of our species as it exists today. All of us, including myself, are the direct descendents of the first dick or Dick Prime. "Dick" is actually the proper term for the male sex organ, as it was in antiquity. The usage was changed in the fifteenth century when the first biology textbook was published by James Penis.

The Olympic games have existed in one form or another for thousands of years. Since their revival in the mid-nineteenth century, the games have been in a constant state of flux. In recent years, we have seen the time between games change from four years to two; the recognition of Canada as a place; and the inclusion of such new events as snowboarding, speed knitting, and dwarf-eating. Little is said, however, about the events that we have lost over the years.

The 1890's saw the heyday of a series of urine-themed events and indeed of the breed of man who participated in them. There was distance pissing, urine-gulping, and precision urination in snow. In addition, the triathlon at one point consisted of riding a bicycle, strangling a goose, and then pissing one's pants. Remarkably, there developed sects of athletes who chose to participate in these events exclusively. These titans of micturition spent weeks isolating their pubococcygeus muscles and drinking ever larger quantities of water mixed with sand to expand the bladder and urethra. They lived, breathed, drank, and urinated urination. They formed their own unique lifestyle which they called l'âme du pipi, because the Parisian avant-garde set had already been pissing on each other for centuries.

The urine games in the Olympics died out during the Progressive Era of the early twentieth century, when playing with one's liquid waste was no longer considered acceptable by polite society. A bit of yellow in one’s afternoon tea was nothing to be ashamed of, but these people were hedonists. At the opening of the 1912 games in Stockholm, the first "dry" Olympics, champion distance pisser Odo Humbolt from Germany famously made this statement: "If I can never again make water in sport, then I shall forever make water out of love." It is said that for this reason, those who fetishize pee pee and love to wallow in it call their despicable pastime "watersports." The current world record for distance pissing is 73.8 meters, held by Odo Humbolt of Germany.

The g-spot was first theorized in 1944 by Ernst Gräfenberg, a German gynecologist. Prior to Gräfenberg, the primary female erogenous zone was believed to be behind the eyeball or irrelevant. When the doctor presented his findings of a bundle of highly sensitive nerves near the urethra to his colleagues, he was reminded that there was a war on and told to "stop thinking about pussy so much." He was eventually forced out of his practice for this reason, although the fact that he was Jewish might have also had something to do with it. G-spot stands for: Gräfenberg – Super Posilating Ophenian Tuvanin.

(From Dr. Gräfenberg's journals, one of his original hypotheses)

It is widely believed that bukkake was invented and popularized in the 1970's by Japanese pornographers. This is false. Like most Japanese expressions of creativity such as anime or suicide, bukkake was copied from an American notion.

It is well documented that women have used penile surrogates throughout history, often taking the form of foreign objects such as vegetables or scimitars. However, the actual word "dildo" can only be traced back to the Middle Ages, when it had its original spelling: "dilldough." Dilldoughs were elongated loaves of bread impregnated with the oils and leaves of the dill plant, which peasant women in parts of Europe and Africa would insert into their vaginas for a variety of reasons: to house the bread while traveling to avoid taxation, to hide it from their neighbors or children, a generally ineffective deterrent to rape, Tuesday, and as a repellent to witchcraft. Dilldoughs for pleasure were not developed until the nineteenth century, because women had not yet evolved clitorises until this point.

(From The Vespasian Psalter – Naughty Bits, Eighth Century A.D.)