Santa Clara

Back From Abroad

Shotgun drums!

Things Only Slightly Less Scary Than Kimbo Slice

A chainsaw-wielding grizzly bear Watching your grandparents boneGetting your fingernails ripped off one by one Dad after four beersVigo the CarpathianKimbo Slice's turdsErectile dysfunction

Things I Learned My First Day Working at a Biochemical Company

¢ People from Louisiana are next to impossible to understand on the phone.¢ Never contact a company in French Canada.¢ Spilling chemicals on yourself does not give you superpowers.¢ The boss's secretary is off-limits.¢ The...

Bro, Not Even, I Got A Boo

In response to yesterday's Dude, Don't Even Bother, Cause I Got The StarOh you think you're hot sh*t now that you got the star, huh? Well you better watch out, because I'm taking it like those gangbangers took your sister's virginity. In yo' face!...

Famous LOLCats

Point-Counterpoint: Who's A Puppy?

COUNTERPONT - Oh dear lord, she's back. Please, someone kill me. If this crazy bitch ever let me out of her sight I'd get hit by a car so fast. For cryin' out loud lady, of course I'm a puppy! Yes! It's me! You figured it out Sherlock,...

Differences Between "The Real World" and The Real World

This is the true story... :: God, I haven't had any time to read lately, let alone non-fiction...of seven strangers... :: I don't think I even have 7 numbers in my phonebook...picked to live in a...

How Is That A Strike?!

That ball was almost in the dirt! Are you blind, ump?!I mean, seriously, how is that a strike?! It was nowhere near the plate! Zambrano's thrown that pitch at least 5 times for a ball all game, and now you're gonna call this a strike? Call it both...

Rejected Titles For "Live Free or Die Hard"

Live Free and/or Die Hard Snakes on a McClane Die Hard with a Vengeancer Live Free or John McClane Will F*cking Kill You Yippee-Ki-Yay Mother F*cker: The Movie

Differences Between Grand Theft Auto and the Real World

Changing clothes erases wanted level Changing clothes in Wal-Mart parking lot has increased wanted level in Dayton, OH Cars are always readily available "Mom,...

Please, Have Some Consideration

Yea!  Summer's here man!  No more school for a few months!  PARTAYYYY!If you've felt this way recently, I have two words for you: fuck you."How can such a handsome man have so much hostility?" you might ask.  The answer, my friends, is because my...

Ways to Effectively Cockblock Yourself

At Dinner "So your last name is Goldstein, huh?  Well, congratulations for escaping der Fuhrer's wrath." Wear a blazer with jorts, claiming you were unsure if this was a formal or casual place. "Man, I coulda sworn you were...

Complaints From The Guy Who Misses The Big Picture

Every single time I'm done boning my girlfriend, she makes me take a shower.  It's so f*cking annoying! I swear, if I have to make one more trip to the bank to deposit a check, I'm going to straight up murder someone. Why did you guys...

An Open Letter to Facebook From Creepy Stalker Guy

Dear Facebook,     Hi there, it's the Creepy Stalker Guy.  As you no doubt are aware, spring has sprung and the weather is getting much sunnier, which means two things: I have to keep my curtains closed almost the whole day so I don't get glare on...

Shows the Discovery Channel Would Air if Acquired by Larry Flynt

   * Dirty Knobs   * It Takes A Queef   * Deadliest Snatch   * CherryBusters   * Really Big Things (that one will stay the same)   * Cunt Junkies   * How It's Laid

The Thought Process Behind Ingesting an Entire Bottle of Ibuprofen

1 - Oh man, I have such a headache.  Should not have had those shots of Jager last night.  Just a few of these should do it.  Why is there all this f*cking cotton here?!  Get out of here!  Isn't there some horribly racist joke about this stuff? ...

Pioneers in Immaturity: The Hand Vagina

Christian Jones is not a name you might recognize, but he has had a profound impact on history.  A world-renowned shadow puppeteer in his time, Jones’s contribution to this world was stumbled across by chance.  “I was just sitting in...

New "Morning After" Articles

Have you ever wanted to write a regularly featured article for CollegeHumor? Well here are some of the new “Morning After” articles that are waiting to be written by any of you brave readers The Morning After: According to Jim...

Wii-ness Envy

Hey guys, I know I might be a little late on this one, but I really want a Nintendo Wii.  I've played it a few times and thought the bowling game was kinda cool, but I just looked at everything it can do, and one thing in particular really aroused...

A Poetry Slam Enthusiast Explains Beer Pong

Cups numbered ten on opposing sides,Beer flowing like the swelling tides.Not too much, it is early yet, hold it, hold it:Pong, pong, pong.A majestic pyramid laid horizontal, balls soaring,Gravity paints a furious arc as spheres slice through air,...