Ok folks, now that summer is coming to a close, it is time for me to look back on a potential checklist for a college student home for the summer, and what actually happened on the path to achieving these goals.

1. Eat Healthier Food/Average 3 Hot Pockets per hour

2. Read Some Novels/Read a Sharper Image catalog on the toilet

3. Sleep With The Hot Girl From High School/Jerked it so much that my sheets look like they have been snowed on

4. Master The Guitar/Can now play the chorus section to Bon Jovi's Livin' On a Prayer

5. Learn Something New/Figured out that jacking off with two hands feels a bit like an orgy

6. Run 5 Miles a Day/Can't drive 3 miles without breaking a sweat

7. Watch Less TV/Watched every episode of Full House

8. Watch Fewer Movies/Watched The Postman and Weekend at Bernies biweekly

9. Get a Good Internship/Scrubbed shit and piss off of toilets for gas money

10. Spend Time Outdoors/Saw the sun once, threw up everywhere

11. Don't Drink and Drive/Shotgunned beers on the hood of my car while ghost riding it

12. Work On My Novel/Did a really hard maze in Ranger Rick Magazine

13. Get a Tan/Caught some rays next to the microwave while working on my H Pockets

14. Go To Tons of Concerts/Thought about seeing Hootie and the Blowfish, realized I was about to see Hootie and the Blowfish, got drunk instead

15. Drink Less/Drank Tons

16. Drink Good Beer/Drank Schlitz

17. Get Motivated By Michael Phelps/Drunk drove like Michael Phelps

18. Get Ready For Next Semester/Thought about transferring to ITT Tech

19, Do Something Unheard Of/Whacked it to Shark Week

20. Seriously, Do Nothing/Check

So I didn't really accomplish much. Oh well, there's always next summer.

Right Ball: Wait, what is he doing up there? Oh no...come on, he already did this like 2 hours ago.

Left Hand: Oh, he's going back at it, and of course, I just sit over here, watching the whole thing go down.

Left Ball: Shit, don't complain, every time he jerks it it looks like the god damn apocalypse from our view.

RB: Yeah, honestly. One moment we are enjoying the sun, then the next thing you know, that thing comes out of nowhere and puts us in the shade. It gets cold, you know?

LH: Have you thought about how lonely it gets for me? He doesn't even give me a chance. ONE TIME he had a broken right wrist and he tried to use me. So I didn't do that well, and maybe his junk has a weird right turn in it now, but I need practice dammit! He went and did the only smart thing I've ever seen him do. He made some molding cushion for his cast, and kept using that playboy Righty.

RB: True, that is kind of shitty. Man, he is really going at it right now, putting us in the blender down here. Makes me think of that fateful night a few years back. What kind of girl doesn't finish off a blowjob? When we got home, he beat the living shit out of us. Not to mention, we were already frozen blue

LB: All that flopping and flying. I think I got a concussion that night.

LH: A sad day indeed. At least you weren't there the other night when he got drunk enough to stick ME up that new girls ass. 2 of my fingers were soiled that night, they haven't said a word since. Righty was just sitting there, laughing from inside that cozy cave he often calls home.

LB: Why do I have to hang so damn low? The more he pulls, the more I keep moving closer to the taint. Swingin' in the breeze all alone down here.

LH: Great, I'm on the move now. Oh wow, he is changing the the video on the computer now.

***CLICK CLICK CLICK***

LH: 1:20, still undressing, next. 3:48, blowjobs, I know he doesn't like that. 5:23, ah, dick going in, guess my work is done.

RB: WHOA, we are moving now! You know, when he first starting doing this, we loved it down here. All the movement, the bouncing, everything. But now, we are so sick of it, all of it.

LB: Why doesn't he get you into the action as well Lefty? Maybe it would feel like an orgy or something.

LH: He tried doubling up once, it didn't work. The fucked up thing is, sometimes, he uses me as some kind of jizz shield. Just there, hovering over his member, waiting for the big moment. You have no idea what this is like, it is like standing in front of a loaded gun, just waiting, not knowing what might happen, but then, BOOM, ghostly.

RB: Uh oh, I'm starting to choke...it is almost time!

LB: ***COUGH COUGH*** I'm gonna puke!

RB: SHE'S GONNA BLOW!

***SPLACK***

LB: You OK up there Lefty?

LH: Soaked.

RB: Bastard.

LH: Jesus, I'm on the move again. Oh no, not the ass check, not the damn ass check. Why is this always my job!

***SCRAPE***

LH: NO, swamp ass! Oh god. Yup, bring me up to the nose. There ya go, you happy, it smells like shit - what did you expect? I see that little smile, you like it don't you. You sick jerk, think about me for once. Well, I guess it is off to the sink with me. But really, who knows, even that is 50/50. What are you guys up to later?

RB: Probably just sweating.

LH: Sounds good, I'll see you later.

***ZIP***

Right Hand: I hate my life.

Name: Dicktective Max Fear

Bio: Max Fear is the cities top cock. He lays down the law the only way he knows how, hard core anal. You won't have to wait until you get to the pen to get your salad tossed, Max Fear will do it in the back of the squad car.

Best Film: Obey the Law, or Obey his Cock 4

Signature Move: The Cavity Search

Name: Philip K. Bendherover

Bio: The Law Offices of Bendherover and Stein are now open. Philip will fill a case the moment it is opened. He has successfully sued over 400 times, and been sued only once himself. What for? Reckless penile endangerment and possession of a venomous snake. This case was dismissed on the grounds of being blessed by nature.

Best Film: Cockrane and Me: The Philip K. Bendherover story

Signature Move: The Hung Jury

Name: Charlton Hezton

Bio: Half man, half ape, all dick. Charlton Hezton doesn't speak much English, but his junk does. Women get lost in his chest hair that doubles as a reservoir for misfired splooge. He may not speak much english, but he knows the only phrase that matters: 'Prepare for entry!'.

Best Film: Triple Vag, Triple Ass, Singular Pleasure 18

Signature Move: Erectile Evolution

Name: The Hamburglar

Bio: Porn's fattest star, also has porn's best stroke. The Hamburglar is no joke in the sack, but watch out, always be on top with the Hamburglar or you could be lost forever. In a haze of fat and sensuality, Hamburglar doesn't climax, he goes into cardiac arrest.

Best Film: The Fat and the Furious 7: Fill Er' With Gravy

Signature Move: Just find his dick first

Name: Steve Normaldick

Bio: The only guy to get into porno based on his acting skills, but there was one problem, he has a normal dick. Instead of packing a lead pipe in his pants, he keeps it real, he keeps it - AVERAGE. He cums early, but he ALWAYS cums. His money shot is so potent that he doubled as a special effects contributer on the movie Flubber.

Best Film: Uncircumcised 3: Find the Lint

Signature Move: Socks On-Pink Sock

Name: Tyranasarous Sex

Bio: This is my brain-child, my true dream, a porno with a dinosaur. Don't be bashful, don't be ashamed, we have ALL dreamed of this. I am talking about a full on T-Rex slamming chicks relentlessly, or until he wants to go eat something. It is as simple as that.

Best Film: The Land Before Condoms 8: Make Babies and Run

Signature Move: Uh? Being a T-Rex and having sex with a chick, I think.
Those are just a few of the ideas I have had along the way about which porn name I would adopt. I hope you liked them, and if you can think of anything else, post a comment.

(p.s., these Gamertags are fictional, I am joking, it is satire.)

Drug/Alcohol Related:

Perhaps the most popular of all Gamertag categories is the Drug/Alcohol variety. What I mean by this are the people that insist on letting you know that they love to drink, they love to smoke, and fuck...they love to game. Upon entering a game, they will always tell you: "Damn, I am so high." or "Me and my bro's been drinkin' all night, you fags, now I'm gonna kick your asses." Without further delay, here are some examples.

luvz2smoke420headies

BeerGodFratDaddy

2high2play2stoned2talk

xXx Cirrhosis of da Liver xXx

BongRipsForMasterChief

Fantasy, Fantasy, Fantasy:

Though perhaps not as popular as the drug related names, these are probably my favorite. The fantasy names are the best because they seem to follow a formula that ever nerd uses. The formula seems to dictate that their gamertags have some completely outlandish adjective that describes a mind-blowingly fantasy weapon, place, person, whatever. What it adds up to is usually a mess and it really ends up meaning nothing, except comedy for anyone who is willing and ready to laugh at these dorks. Or, they will just overwhelm with an exceedingly nerdy, long, technical, gross name in general.

h4t3ful dr4g0nfl4m3

Golden Sword of Destiny and Destruction Wielded Atop Theajestic‚eauty of a Flame Dragon

(LOTR)JockSlayer

StoicVirgin

Halo3isUNREALISTIC666

Personal ASSAULT:

These guys are the classiest. Their names are an assault towards anyone who reads them, and basically to themselves as well. I am talking about the people who join the game and immediately start talking shit, but they don't even have to, their name already does it for them.

Pwninj00sinceDAw0mb

Sm1le 4 My M0ntage

(MLG)SuckMeImDaChamp

MyPractizAccount

I H8 U

Utterly Offensive:

These are the names that are truly vile. They are the kind of names that get you suspended or banned from Xbox Live, and they have also been the catalyst for my two suspensions from Xbox Live. Anyway, they are the bottom of the barrel.

Da P1NK3ST S0CK

F3cal Behemoth69

(2g1c)Lllllemon Partay

Cumguzzler 3000

FlacidDixInFatChix

Of course, there are some regular names out there, but that is no fun for us. Please post any other names that you think would be fitting, as I surely have just scratched the surface. That is all for now, and remember, when you make your gamertag, set out to offend, out-nerd, out-skill, or simply disgust anyone who will be viewing it.

1988 Michaelangelo

This is a basic turtle, but shit, it's still better than half the toys the pussy kids play with today. Michelangelo is a walking action movie. He has more plastic weaponry than the set of Small Soldiers. Michelangelo will not only shove his nun chucks up Shredders tight asshole, he will poke your sissy kid's eyes out. Alright but enough with the soft stuff, time to dig in.

Viper: Alright guys, we are getting intel that puts at least 4 Mig bogies approaching our position, fast. Since we aren't supposed to be in Russian territory, it is best to assume that they will open fire. Iceman, Slider get out there. Maverick, Goose, I want you guys backing them up. Remember, we are a team, act like one.

Iceman: Yes sir, we are on it.

David Robinson rookie card.

Iceman: We are picking up speed, reaching maximum acceleration in 5 minutes.

Maverick: I'm already at top speed. Hey, Iceman, remember that time‡oose and I pulled a negative G and took a picture of you and Slider sunbathing naked by your pool?

Iceman: No, actually I don't. Keep your mind on the mission men.

Goose: Yeah, that was a good shot. Oh, nice job in volley ball the other day guys. Maverick is only 5'2 and he still spiked the shit outta you.

Iceman: Listen, the targets are almost on us, can you PLEASE focus?

Slider: Yeah, well Goose wears a fucking tank top when he plays volleyball while the rest of us go shirtless, showing off the bods. What a fag.

Maverick: Goose goes shirtless because he has a mountain of chest hair, and the rest of us can't grow any. Besides, you know that call out is off limits.

Kenny Loggins is the next to join Scientology.

Slider: You're right, sorry.

Iceman: 2 Migs, at our twelve. Firing missiles. Got him! One tango down, Maverick, get the other.

Maverick: I got him, I got him. BOOM, tango down. Fuck, I am good. Scary good. You know something Iceman, when I was fucking Charlie the other night, she told me that I have the biggest dick she has ever seen. Seriously, I pulled out with brain on my cock. You like that?

Iceman: Alright Maverick, fuck this. Since you can't be professional for one second, let alone in a life threatening mission, the gloves are off. I had Slider jizz inside your shampoo in the locker room the other day, and you know what? I saw a little bit go into your mouth.

Slider: It was the motherload.

Viper: GUYS! Shut the fuck up! More Migs coming in form behind!

Iceman: Alright, focus. I'm gonna pull up and come around behind them in three. One, two -

Maverick: Haha.

Iceman: Maverick, are you bumping the back of my jet right now? Seriously?

Goose: God, I love that prank Maverick, you are the best. Oh shit! They hit our right engine, turn it off! Taking massive fire!

Iceman: Put on your air brake and get back, I got this one.

Maverick: Why don't you put on YOUR air brake. Besides, I took mine out. I live at one speed - fucking extreme.

Iceman: Jesus Christ. Alright, well I just took one out, that leaves one left, got him Maverick?

Maverick: No problem. BANG BANG BANG! Oh yeah, those machine guns give me a boner, whatta ya say Goose?

Goose: Raging hard on Mav. Dude, look over, I can see Slider giving Iceman a tug job from the backseat!

There's 2 A's in 'bad actor', boys.

Maverick: Oh wow, great team work guys!

Iceman: Fuck off. Let's head in. Somehow, we got this mission done, no thanks to you guys.

Maverick: What was that noise in my headset? Iceman, did you just bite your teeth real hard into the microphone?

Iceman: No...

Goose: Ooooh, what's this button do?

SPLAT

Standard. Beyond standard. This is what fantasy metal is all about baby. Swords and snow, f*cking metal dude! Check out this lavish warrior. He knows that he is gonna storm this castle with pride and swiftness, ¡nd once he gets there, he is gonna pour out a face melting solo while f*cking the Princess til' she hits higher vocal notes than he can.

Everyone had their favorite toys or fads growing up, it just so happens that if you grew up in the 90's, you really had the best. I decided to take a look at some of the more popular of these, and analyze what they say about your life today. Enjoy.

Furby: You are somewhere in L.A. giving tub jobs and blow jobs under a freeway overpass.

Goosebumps: You only bought these for the covers, and you have yet yet read any book in it's entirety.

Tamagotchi: You seriously love shit, cleaning up shit, and shit of any kind. You are a fecal aficionado. (Wait, Tamagotchi DIDN'T come up on my spell check?)

G.I. Joe: You are currently in Iraq, getting your ass shot up.

Laser Pointers: You are a peeping tom, and you are in jail.

Magic Eye Books: You are only 21, but you already have Glaucoma.

Pogs: You have been trapped in your house for years because it is packed to the brim with Pokemon cards, Beanie Babies, Cabbage Patch Kids, Trolls, and of course - Pogs. You simply can't resist any bullshit fad.

Slap Bracelets: You cut yourself daily and are probably fat.

Magic The Gathering: Virgin.

Power Rangers: You are a total frat-daddy, and a hyper masculine bro. But, you question your sexuality on the hour, every hour.

Talkboy: Your dream was to utilize the Talkboy with the efficiency that Kevin McCallister did in Home Alone. Since this is impossible, you now own a store that only sells glass Turtle Dove's.

L.A. Lights: Damn, you are probably fly as shit.

Pokemon: You never overcame your intense ADHD and you tour the country doing speed Rubik's Cube competitions.

Bowlcuts: You have serious problems with premature ejaculation.

Rat-tails: You have serious problems reading at a third grade level.

Ninja Turtles: You love to party and you have sex with hot chicks five times a day. If Turtles were your favorite, you lived the 90's right.