If my Paladinhad a penis, I'd totally Hammer of Justice this. Amirite?

Fake boobs are better than no boobsat all.  Whether it's a clump of pixels on a blood elfor a baggy of silicon, it's something. No guy ever says, "Know what's hot? Having the chest of an 11 year old. Nom nom nom."  Or hopefullynot. 

Stealing is okay if it you pretendyou didn't mean to.  You can ninja the hell out of something ifyou quickly follow it up with "zomg guys I'm soo sorry...i totally meant toclick greed."  And then repeat this invent, making sure to sound thoroughly guilty. And then giggle to yourself as you equip your new piece of freshlystolen gear.  Suckers!

You can bail on anything for a blowjob.  Tired of wiping on trash in a raid?  Sick of listening to the annoying girl jabberin vent?  Iron Chef just come on FoodNetwork?  Just say your girlfriendpromised you a BJ and everyone will cyber high five you as you hearth out.  Nobody is going to rank anything moreimportant than getting your balls sucked. Ever.

Being a girl amongst guys oftentimes makesthings easier.  Being a girl with a hot accent always makesthings easier.  Need some extragold?  Get in vent, talk in a strongsouthern accent, giggle.  Thanks for thegold, ya'll!

Doing things the hard is way is oftentimes...harder. Sure you could do all twenty-five dailies or go grinding or circle your miningroute for hours.  In a few hours youcould have a respectable couple hundred gold under your belt.  Well done you.  Of course in a fraction of that time youcould've just bought ten times that from a farmer. 

Some people will be twelve forever. Ever had that guy in your guild " the whiney, flaccid dick thatcontributed nothing more than spamming guild chat with Chuck Norris jokes?  And then you found out he was actuallythirty-five, married, and had two children? Yah, that guy will always be that guy. And he'll probably be your boss.

You can get out of almost anything byblaming it on technology.  Felt like making a sandwichduring KT and killed everyone?  Nobiggie, just say you lagged out.  If theycan't prove you wrong, they can't be mad at you. 

Progressing is oftentimes based onluck.  How many times have you gone to Naxx?  A hundred or so?  And how many times have you seen turning tidedrop?  None?  Even though it has a 15% chance ofdropping?  Yah that sounds about right.  You'll be a noob forever, not from a lack of timeor effort, but because that's just how things go. 

Me: What? 

Treadmill: Hmm?  Sorry...didn't catch that. Please select your workout program.

Me: Cardio.

Treadmill: Please enter your weight.

Me  Oh geez, I don't even own a scale. Last time I weighed myself it was like 120 pounds or something.

Treadmill: (snickers.)

Me: Excuse me? 

Treadmill: Oh, sorry. Just laughing about something I heard earlier. Please select your age.

Me: 23.

Treadmill: Really? Never would've guessed that.

Me: I know right? People always say I look younger.

Treadmill: Yes...younger...exactly what I was thinking. Please select the length of your workout.

For bonus points, try and sitnext to someone who plans on sleeping off their hangover during class.  They really love this sort of thing.

Second, get those shoulder muscles ready because itsarm-raising time.  Now don't botherraising your hand to ask actual questions. You're better than that.  That's for the noobs who don't understand what'sgoing on.  You're going to be the guythat interrupts class every two minutes to ask statements.  Just to prove that you're better thaneveryone.  Sample dialogue of your awesomenessin action:

Professor:  During the firstyears of WWI, America actually made many treaties with Germany in order tomaintain their isolatio...yes?

StatementMan: So what you're saying is that the US wanted to remainisolated from Europe in WWI?

Professor: That's what I just said, yes. 

Look smugly at the two people next to you.  Ignore their disgusted glares, they're justjealous.

Third, make sure to step up the frequency of this asthe class keeps going.  Don't let anyonethink that you've running out of steam. If necessary, just ask statements that are only slightly relevant to thesubject matter.  More dialogue of your(if it's even possible) increasing awesomeness:

&nbsp

Professor:  Jane Eyre istypically viewed as a struggle of love versus autonomy and...

StatemnetMan: So what you're saying is that women today have tochoose between marriage and keeping their independence?

Professor: Um, well, not exactly...

Just cross your arms and start nodding. You so showed her up. 

&nbsp

You might notice that after one or two or thirty-seven "questions",the teacher starts pretending that they can't see you.  Don't let that keep you down.  Just interrupt, especially if he's justblabbering about something unimportant like what questions will be on tomorrow'stest.  Boooring.  At this point youmight have to raise your voice to a yell. 

Finally,and most importantly, you can't let class get out without making sure everyoneunderstood that you're a genius.  Surethe professor already dismissed everyone, but don't a thing like that stopyou.  Other students will reallyappreciate that you're willing to go the extra mile " to squeeze an extra fiveminutes out of an already miserable class. Dialogue of how you really couldn't be any more awesome:

Professor:  Just make sureand finish up chapter six for tomorrow and we can actually wrap things up earlytoday.  Enjoy your weekend everyone and...

StatementMan: (you might haveto really belt this out to be heard over the unrelated groaning) I justwanted to clarify that both chapter five and chapter six will be on the finalin a few months?

Professor: Probably, but since its only March, I haven't reallymade up the exam yet.

StatementMan:  SO WHAT YOU'RESAYING IS THAT WE SHOULD READ CHAPTER SIX FOR TOMORROW?

&nbsp

Make sure and keep this dialogue up until people start "accidentally"knocking their backpacks into you on the way out the door. Or even better, directlyshoving you to the floor.  This is a signthat you have truly impressed them. 

Because hey, you're the guy that spends all class taking averbal quiz that nobody is giving out. You're the guy that risked dislocating his shoulder and losing his voicein order to make things take a lot a bit longer.  You're the guy that kept the class togetherfor a few extra minutes.  On aFriday.  Before Spring Break. 

So here's to you StatementMan!  Where would we be without you?

The Writing on the Wall

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Everybody stay inside!

Quick let's have some fun

Sit and stare at one great wall

Watch Fahrenheit 451

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And while Bradbury dances a stance with a twitch

America, replace-embrace a one-fifty inch

Delighted excited that's like a whole wall

Got a woody in my hoodie and I might have to crawl

¼o:p>

Panasonic your God

Unveil your golden calf

Markets and Consumers

Smoke a little laugh

¼o:p>

And while outside is nice once to twice when we wish

Sedentary lounging's arousing so fuck what we miss

¼o:p>

Inject in some pixels

Freebase the sea

I love my HD plasma

Drugs are T.V.

¼o:p>

So all you concerned with the turn of my thought

Look steep deep inside and under the pot

See a world hurled -smell propaganda stinking

Stop this maze of a haze - start the Free Thinking

¼o:p>

But what do I know?

Just sit inside!

Maybe you'll get famous

Or life will pass you by

¼o:p>

¼o:p>

¼o:p>

¼o:p>

¼o:p>

¼o:p>

¼o:p>

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OK, since tis the season and all, which Olympian would you want to nail the most who's name does not end with "Phelps"?

Hmm.you kinda threw me a curve ball there

Just fulfill my fantasy and say Stephanie Rice from Aussie swimming

how about Stephanie rice and Michael Phelps together?that's like hitting two fantasies of mine

And actually two of mine as well.  Speaking of, what have you always wanted to do knowing you could get away with it?

These are tough questions.

And I actually pull these out of my ass (Literally).

I'm not sure I'm ready for the CH masses to see how insane I am

Probably porn though.

If there were absolutely no repercussions

No social ramifications, no stds

And no sleeping with random guys either. 

Porn with my boyfriend.  I'm a bit of an exhibitionist.

Your weekly creepy PM's are going to go up 1000% now. 

You recently said "Anything on the internet with tits is a celebrity."  Since you're pretty much the golden sex symbol of CH, what's the strangest thing you've heard?

What do you mean, overall on CH or what someone's said to me directly?

On CH, and then go for the second one if ya like (i know how much of a sausage fest GT is)

Well, I "overhear" lots of strange things on CH.

There's always random hatemail for absolutely no reason, even though the person's liked every single one of your pictures.  That's always entertaining.  Oh and once this dude told me he'd like to fellate a cucumber while I watch.

...........................?awesome

I hit the delete button on that one very quickly

I also get regular hatemail, but that's because I enjoy it.  As a grad student, what do you do with your spare 9 minutes every week?

Drink,  tallk to matt on my webcam,  work out, and belly dance.  I lead a fairly boring life.  oh and I'm also a secret assassin for the government of Zimbabwe, but don't tell anyone that.

Your economy is doing awesome over there.

OK, now do you want to give a moment of silence for your fallen, half eaten lab mouse now from last month?

He would have wanted us to party. It's a New Orleans style funeral you know. He was creole.

Aside form the other awkward questions, I have one more awkward question to ask you: what are you studying?  I couldn't even find it lurking.

chemical/biomolecular engineering and cancer biology

Alright, now how the hell am I supposed to make a sexual innuendo with that?

You're a man, I'm sure you can find a way. Besides, engineers are sexy.

I have some potential melanoma I would like you to check out

*pulls out wang*

*long silence*

Well that was terrible.

I could excise the tumor, isolate the cells and grow it in mice. Now if that's not sexy, I don't know what is.

Zimbabwe's Coventry just barely lost Stephanie Rice for the Gold Medal, did you have anything to do with this?>!!!!!?!!1
 

If I told you I'd have to kill you.

You better pray she's a good kisser.

I don't believe in prayer.  I believe in experimentation

Totally a normal hobby. WTF are you looking at, buddy?!

Dance like no Ginger is watching

How did this lose to Babs in 2007??? Oh yeah. Nudity.

Hey CH, do you want to be the next Commenter interview?  If so, you must be totally awesome and perfect in all way/shape/form.  To be considered, send me a message on CH and we'll go from there!

Katie, first off, are you sober right now?

Umm more than I was a bit ago, yes.

It's thursday.... any special reason why you're out getting loaded?

Just did a little tokey toke before the movie, nothing crazy.

How was the Dark Knight?

Fucking amazing.

Kind of creeped out that I knew what movie you saw?

Oh no no...I'm watching 29 days later right now

Psh, I saw dark night the minute it came out. Oh, and I mean 28.

29 Days Later sounds like it fucking sucks. I mean, they're just hanging out in a cabin. 

LOL, yeah seriously.

Speaking of creepy, how many creepy messages do you get per week from random CHers?

A whole fucking lot.  I try to respond to the less creepy ones

Any favorite gems you'd like to share with us?

Oh def.

Lemme cue that up.

"just a note, you are freaking HOT!"

"Your avatar fucking rules"

Are these just from today?

LOL, no I'm just picking random ones.

You archive all of your fan mail?

Oddly enough I had a long thread of messages with some guy about books

LOL, I don't archive, just don't delete.

One guy asked if I would meet him for coffee.

Jesus, and you're notorious for not showing your face in every one of your CH pictures. Does anyone think you're hiding something?

Once there were rumors that I was a Cyclops.

Now they just think I'm a butterface.

I'm not sure which I prefer.

The first one. Anyone would date a Cyclops chick.  OK, speed round. Best Beer?

AHH yuengling

Best movie?

Titanic.... Fuck!

The next question was going to be will you marry me.  Now you are dying alone.

My heart is racing... Fuck!

Are you dying?

I think so

Will you marry me now?

Def.

DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A BUTTERFACE TO YOU?!!!

The most famous avatar currently on CH

Hey CH, do you want to be the next Commenter interview?  If so, you must be totally awesome and perfect in all way/shape/form.  To be considered, send me a message on CH and we'll go from there!

Ok, So Ox. Word around the interwebs is that you may or may not have slain many a CHette. Who on CH would you like to get to know in the biblical sense?

"Many" may be an overstatement.

And a gentleman never tells.

Plus, I think doing so would be severely detrimental to my chances.

Sounds like you've got an agenda. I'll just interpret that answer as Sarah on the staff.

Oh dear Lord I can only dream.

Who would win in a cage fight, Steve Irwin or Bear Grylls?

If we're talking strict bare hands then I'd go with Steve. Bear may have military training but that dude wrestled crocodiles! Plus he can take some punishment

Yeah, you know he's dead right? I mean I'll give you odds if you really wanna take a corpse in a fight.

Zombies always win

I think I would actually let Zombie Irwin bite me. Is he like a Dawn of the Dead or a 28 Days Later zombie?

Hopefully, Dawn of the Dead. No one stands a fuckin' chance against the 28 Days Later ones. But in a perfect world, all zombies would be from Shaun of the Dead

I'm the only one who cannot stand that fucking movie. Why does anyone like it?

I just really like British movies. And I think Simon Pegg is a pretty funny dude

Must be a stoner thing I haven't caught on to yet. Is that why you quit your summer job only two months into the summer?

Haha I haven't even smoked weed since freshman year of high school

You're missing out. Quick, what's your favorite word of the moment?

Bamboozle

That's a word, right?

Did you go to an ethnic high school?

Bamboozle is a black word?

Socks

Year:             Senior
School:          Mount Saint Mary's
Hometown:     Philadelphia, PA
Major:            Business

So what do you like best about the thousands of kissy face pictures on Collegehumor?

Ha i dunno, it makes the girls look like retards kind of.

True true. Would you prefer if Collegehumor picked Downs girl of the day? I'm sure that Amir is probably cool with that.

*long pause*

Wow. I like submissive girls but thats a little much.

If there was one person you've seen on CH that you would like to euthanize, who would it be?

Dildo. Easily.

Even though he's acting kind of normal lately purely from peer pressure?

I have a friend down at Hopkins now for nursing school and I really am afraid for her.

This sounds like it would be a really good episode for CSI. Is she hot?

Nice body, OK face.  I was hooking up with her for a while end of last year.

You sort of self-burned yourself there. Anything else you want to say about your goals coming up after your senior year?

She's not ugly and I was hooking up with other girls at the same time. I'm out though.  Be back in like 20 to 30 minutes. Don't post this until I get back.

No chance.

Facebook tags are a powerful tool.