Disclaimer- Everything to follow this is completely satirical. It is not meant for anyone to catch feelings. These comments are childish, immature, and nonfactual.

Life is all about how people interpret things. In my rants, I have drawn life down to many things before which is probably the overall theme of the rants in general. Now, people may choose to take things harshly and bring up their pitchforks and burn the place but some people are able to take things and deal with it. Some people do not understand what a "joke" is.

You're ugly.

That was a joke but it is sad that you took it seriously and have now stopped reading this rant.

Ha.

Stare at this page very hard for a second. There is something here that you probably have not read it.

The disclaimer. When is the last time you read the disclaimer?

That disclaimer tells me, Jacques "5'6 Wonder" Morel, that I can say what EVER I want.

Eat it.

Now that is a drastic overstatement and I do not actually say whatever I WANT but it does give me that sort of "leeway" to say what I want within reason.

Screw reason.

Sometimes my view on certain things is completely misconstrued such as my view on women -

I do not have a bad view on women. I love you guys.

No pun intended. No homo.

Lol.

However, that disclaimer should be the only thing taken seriously in this entire rant. When I say something it is whatever is the first to spew out of the cesspool I call a mind and is not checked. It is only checked when I hit F7 in Word to get a good spell-check. Now, some people will actually sit there and take what I said to heart. I have that type of power.

You're still ugly.

Are we taking things to seriously? Is life just one big misunderstanding? Are we really taking a loss every time we step out of bed and out of our comfort zone? The people that are truly living life are the same people that can read something terrible about them and act like nothing happened. Now none of that fake "screw the world" confidence, I am talking serious confidence where you will not just blow off anyone who says this about you or your race. It actually makes you think about what could happen and if they are right and then you move along with your day.

Or you sit at that computer and angrily comment me. I love comments so please, if you read constantly...shoot a comment every now and then.

Nevertheless, that disclaimer is there so you know what you are dealing with before you start. You already know what you are going to read in here is raunchy, edgy, and slightly arousing.

Growl.

We need to start taking jokes and not taking shots. Shots are not always good.

 

Disclaimer- Everything to follow this is completely satirical. It is not meant for anyone to catch feelings. These comments are childish, immature, and nonfactual.

As I write this rant, the sun is rising over the overly-windy smutfilled school of St Johns University. Depressingly, this means that I have not gone to sleep at all because why would I wake up before 6 in the first place?

Psh, are you kidding? No black person wakes up before 11.

Breaking morning should be on everyone's list to do before they get married.

Yes married because it is the same thing as death.

That might be discussed later if my brain travels into that direction.

I look outside and I see a squirrel getting busy searching for nuts.

Their lives are so monotonous.

Search for nuts.

Climb tree.

Take down female squirrel.

Die.

That's a squirrels life.

But, if you take this into perspective, does it not represent a normal college students life?

Search for free food.

Stumble back to the dorm.

Have sex with female college student

Fail/pass.

Life is one giant record that is constantly revolving. Everything has a revolving door and people come and they go but sometimes, people hang out in the lobby of life with you and as stated before they take that bow out of your life when the time need be. This happens in everything that we do that involves human interaction.

Family members being born, living, dying.

Girlfriends/wives, which you meet, fall in love, and break up.

The one night stand girl which you meet, have back breaking sex, and cum on/in the nearest available body part.

A squirrels life is no where near as complicated as a humans though, but it does have the same principles.

Like 50 Cent said, we are all looking to find a "slut" with a nice butt to get a nut. In most cases they are not sluts and we are not trying to get a nut. The women walks into your lobby through that same revolving door and plants her self right between your heart and your penis.

Total control.

That squirrel depends on the woman to accept him so he can further spread his genes through out the genepool. Sometimes is like fighting an uphill battle for the squirrel to spread his genes but if he works at it he is accepted and baby squirrels are made.

(P.S. He take Enyzte).

We stumble back to dorm in order to get as much love as possible from other people while we are in our most uncomfortable and satiable spot -

Drunkenness.

And the free food is a completely different story at the time.

It is sad to find out when someone is trying to walk through that door but cannot because you have the keys to either set them free or bring them back to the nice, plush leather, chair which is made from real Seabiscuit. Someone is trying to walk out of the are but it will not let them walk no matter how hard you try -

Sorta like white kids on leashes.

People have problems.

 

Disclaimer- Everything to follow this is completely satirical. It is not meant for anyone to catch feelings. These comments are childish, immature, and nonfactual.

On Wednesday May 14, 2008, I will move out of St Johns and back home. The first year of college will officially end as soon as I ace my Management Final and secure my 4.0.

More like a 3.6 since I am pulling a solid C in that class but let us move on.

Now everyone knows the things that should happen during freshman year and I am not going to lie, most of it really did happen. It was amazing how you could watch someone slowly fail out or someone excel or someone slowly turn into a smut.

The italics made that sentence SO much better.

I believe that in order to get the true college experience that you must dorm. Now I went home about 2 weekends out of the month every month and I partially regret that because of all the things I missed out on that happened on the weekends but there is nothing I can take back.

However, I did manage to see my share of true and scary stuff that was predicted by everyone that went through his or her first year of college already.

Let us look.

Get some popcorn - this might be good.

The Freshman 15

Lets start out by saying that I lost weight through out my freshman year. Me being the former wrestler I was (ladies, I LOVE being on top. Get at me.) I was able to not eat food at 3AM like some of the things I have witnessed here. Now it was also extremely (you do not even KNOW) entertaining to watch people gain that 15 pounds. Everyday you would see a new love handle on them or a new chin and you would laugh because they just left the dining hall. And the dining hall should be doing the OPPOSITE.

(P.S. If you wanted to be regular you went to the dining hall.

Catch my drift?

No really, I just came from the dining hall.)

The Power of Free Food
Hey, want to know what is the easiest way to get girls in college?

No, not roofies. That only works at bars.

Free Food. Shoot, if you wanted PEOPLE to come and bother you, you would have free food.

Pizza was probably the freshman favorite RIGHT next to the sub par Chinese food that is located around the campus. How many times would people walk into your room and ask for something to eat, drink, or suck on?

Yes, suck on.

You could have a Gay Rights rally and if you wanted conservative freshman you had free food.

Shit, I would go to a Feminist rally if they cooked and had free food for me.

Is that not COMPLETE irony?

Smutness

Ahhh the favorite part about college. The smutness levels. I will not even entertain this one because Jarell and I ALREADY HAVE.

Check it out. It is good.
http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=14618918108&id=1377300273&index=23

 

Disclaimer- Everything to follow this is completely satirical. It is not meant for anyone to catch feelings. These comments are childish, immature, and nonfactual.

Happy Birthday Stephanie and Katie

As of this writing, May 8th 2008 at 2:06AM, I have 4 facial hairs on my chin. This is an all time record for numbers of facial hairs and since it is SUCH a special occasion, I am going to name them -

Jose
Soo-Yung
Darnell
Bob

I am so stereotypical.

But these facial hairs mean more to me than life itself. Seriously. I cut people who try to cut my facial hairs. The barber asked to cut them once and it was a scene. A serious scene. I started breaking the windows on his car because he tried to mess with Jose. And Jose told me to cut him. Soo-Yung told me to chop him, Darnell told me to cap his ass and Bob? Well he told me to kill him and wear his skin as a costume.

Bob is the weird one.

In all seriousness though (ha.) The common saying is that you become a man when you have facial hair. I mean shoot, they send a razor to your house with your draft card (my father took that razor because he automatically assumed that I could not use the four blades of glory). Is this what makes you a man?

What really defines a man anyway? Someone who takes care of his kids and provides for his family? Someone who treats women with respect? Someone who goes to Church on Sunday and does not have sex on a Sunday FOR IT IS THE LORD'S DAY PEOPLE.

Jeez, while Jarell and I are chilling with sexy ass angels, you women can burn for wanting sex on a Sunday.

Gosh.

You expected "God" right? Ha! No blasphemy in this rant today!

However, what really makes men? Must one fit all of those qualities to be a man? What if we are missing one quality?

Or do we need facial hair?

Or chest hair?

I mean take a look at our society. The idea of a "man" has changed for years. Ken dolls used to only have a 4 pack, now they have 12 packs and lets just say Ken has been taking enzyte. No longer a man needs to provide SOLEY for his family as our partners in crime, women, have become an influx in the work force and now the pie is shared. No more cooking in front of a stove all day and being a baby machine.

Nope.

Now they work all day and are baby machines.

I kid.

But what really makes a man? They say the shoes make the man...

Well I rock Dunks and I cannot play basketball. How does that talk about me?

Or, the person who signed their paycheck for some Jordans or Pradas, are they automatically better men because they have shoes?

If so, then I am buying moon boots.

Think about it.

No homo.

Lol.

 

Disclaimer- Everything to follow this is completely satirical. It is not meant for anyone to catch feelings. These comments are childish, immature, and nonfactual.

Think very hard for a second. I mean seriously. Turn around, stare at your roommate, and think very hard (if you do not have a roommate stare at your favorite body part). Have you watched a sporting event in the past 9 months? Probably. Either it was the Super Bowl, (where the Giants shitted on the waste of a city Boston), Baseball, or Basketball there has been one constant through out this.

No, not Boston being a continuing waste of a city, but it is a close second.

Soulja Boy.

Yea So- YA TRICK YA- ulja Boy

Soulja Boy is the most popular rapper in the "game" right now. If rap was a high school, Soulja Boy would be that foreign exchange student everyone liked because he did something that was the same; he just added his own little retarded twist on it. Now everyone loves the foreign exchange student -

I like ones that walk around naked. Remember, forward pictures to my email!

Now before we go in to depth on how I am usually right (FOR EXAMPLE, MILEY CYRUS MESSED UP! AND I CALLED THAT REMEMBER? If you did not see that rant, click HERE

Soulja Boy made enough money off RINGTONES to never work ever again in his entire life.

Well he is black, so the four baby mothers and the flashy cars for everyone on the block will make him pay.

Depressing right?

Just watch.

However, I MUST make a bold statement here. Drum roll please... (Clap your breastases for the same effect!)

SOULJA BOY Is the Vanilla Ice of the 20's. Now if you remember, Vanilla Ice was a flaming piece crap that basically dictated rap for two years. When I say dictated, I mean that he was on top of the rap game.

If you honestly take this into perspective, Soulja Boy will never have something as catchy and as ignorant as "Crank Dat" which Vanilla Ice did also with "Ice Ice Baby". Both of their songs get played in succession at various sporting events. In a club, they are both played and WILL be played for years to come.

That is impressive.

Soulja Boy, just like Vanilla, is crankin it all over girls faces as we speak, and Vanilla was icing girls faces too, but it caught up to him, and now he is a one hit wonder.

He will slowly fall out of existence and resort to doing porn.

Which Vanilla Ice (if I remember correctly, I think there was a news story about it) did.

Well, he already has the perfect name for it. (no homo)[does it not seem gay as hell now? See I was right!]

 

Disclaimer- Everything to follow this is completely satirical. It is not meant for anyone to catch feelings. These comments are childish, immature, and nonfactual.

Camron does it. All of Dipset does it. Pretty much all of the rap game does it. It is running rampant through the African Community right now. Everyone that does this is suffering from something that cannot be cured. The symptoms are abstract stupidity, loud voices, and ignorance. What is it?

No-Homoness.

Yes. That is running through the black lifestyle right now and it is killing the drive of the black man. Besides the fact that we took extra time to do things as it is, now it just slows us down even more. Why? Because we are afraid to touch someone.

Now before you all pick up your pitchforks and make your way to my dorm room to attack me, lets clear this up. I am not homosexual nor have I ever had the thought of being one. I am comfortable with my sexuality and I do not ever second guess my self. This is one of the many reasons I consider my self an Elitist. That is saved for another rant.

Now I am not going to sit here and act like I have not used the word my self because I did. I used it avidly for a point because it is really frustrating having someone catch your words on a word by word basis. Therefore, I started saying it so I could stop people from annoying me. I do not like being annoyed.

Saying "No Homo" is extremely immature in my opinion. It has turned into a fad with people saying it that have no idea why they are saying it. If you know that someone is not talking about anything homosexual, why must one call it out? I mean here is a normal black conversation -

"Yo was good my nigga - No homo

Nothing chillin holdin my nuts - No homo

Word yo, I wanna get in this niggas ass - PAUSE

Really nigga what he do to you? - Pause

I have no idea, but he smells good - Pause

Word is bond yo, hold on, - rewind

Oy donb si dorw - fast forward

Word is bond yo. "

That is what we have become. I mean it is great that people are actually listening to the conversations enough in order to be able to butcher your words?

The major flaw with "No Homo" is the fact that when you say it, it MAKES what you are saying is gay.

Seriously think about it.

When you are having a conversation about how you accidentally bumped a dude walking down the street, when you say "No Homo" you sound gay. Why? Because it changed the context of the saying. Now you are sitting there thinking about him bumping into another man.

No homo.

See does that not sound gay now?

Shoot, I have even witnessed homosexuals saying no homo. Get out of here. We have a problem and it can only be solved by a smart black man.

No homo.

See? Now you're thinking about it all gay. Shame on you!

 

Disclaimer- Everything to follow this is completely satirical. It is not meant for anyone to catch feelings. These comments are childish, immature, and nonfactual.

Happy Birthday Kelly and Allyson

The whole immigrant thing is a hot topic for debate in this country. Now we already know the facts and I am not here to talk about them but I am here to shed some light on it and make you think of it differently. Now, we are not here to argue if illegal immigrants should receive amnesty or not we are here to think objectively. I mean that should be our job as humans.

(Yo, Bro, She is so ugly yo)

(Dude, your thinking out side the box, I bet you do not notice how she looks when shes naked)

Today is Cino De Mayo which traditionally is an Mexican holiday and an American drinking fest. St Patricks Day is an American Holiday about an Irish man. Irish Day in Long Beach is just another excuse for them to get Zooted.

Crazy people living there.

Think about it. Besides all of the hatred, deep down, Americans LOVE immigrants. Immigrants is what makes this country go around. This is not directed to Hispanics at all since the influx of African American immigrants rises daily.

Damn Trini's!

It helps to actually take this in perspective. Today, everyone will be as drunk as they possibly CAN or WANT to be. Now there will be a ton of sober people (virgins...psh lol jk) but there is still the people that are going to party like it was the 80's. Why?

For a Mexican holiday.

The same people that are saying that all of them should go back to their country will be out drinking themselves stupid, or even worse, into bed with a fat man, in the name of the people they hate so much.

THIS IS A MEXICAN HOLIDAY PEOPLE. You cannot be any sort of racist to even celebrate this holiday. For all you prissy white chicks (even black chicks) who give dirty looks when they come to mow the lawn?

Do not drink today because you cannot accept them as people, than why drink in their name?

America loves being in altered states of mind. I mean, look at our president. He is in a constant altered state of mind. Americans favorite catch phrase is,

"I slept with him/her last night?"

That is the smuts favorite catch phrase too.

We need a set aside just plain out, DRINKING DAY. A day where the roads close, schools close, etc and everyone is allowed to get as blitzed as they want. Condoms should be passed out because if not, a baby boom will commence.

Lol. But, lets play a game. I have written 3 rants drunk, can any of you pick out which one?

Try it out.

 

Disclaimer- Everything to follow this is completely satirical. It is not meant for anyone to catch feelings. These comments are childish, immature, and nonfactual.

It is 4AM as of the writing of this rant. My palms are sweating and I am shaking. My neck itches. My eyes are watery and my head is throbbing. I cannot even see straight. The only thing that will save the correct grammar of this rant is the little paper clip that always butchers my spelling.

I need help.

I am scared right now. I spent all day selling it to other black people. I spent all day touching it. I was using it immensely last week and now I really need it again.

It is so cold.

My dog just woke up. I screamed at it in a fit of withdrawal rage.

I need some Grand Theft Auto.

Now, before everyone here does a WTFBBQSAUCE!!!1111 YoU aLrEaDy DiiD GTaa!

This is different. I did not notice how good GTA was until I have had a week to play it. The game is phenomenal. Asides from sex, money, and world domination, GTA is the next thing I think about. I was about to pass up going out on Wednesday AND Friday just because I was in the middle a mission.

Kill the Haitians - LOOK IT UP BEFORE YOU GET ANGRY.

Now I did eventually go out to do completely worthwhile and hysterical things, it was still hard to get over this game. I spoke to a fellow E-THUG a few days ago and he told me how he broke morning playing this game.

I believe it.

Running over old ladies and getting prostitutes is so much fun.

Putting the prostitutes to sleep is one of the most fun parts too.

Literally.

GTA has probably changed many lives just in this week alone. I will acknowledge that I have stayed in my room longer to play it. The shower compared to GTA is nothing.

Church? We cannot play GTA in there.

Shoot, some men would postpone the birth of their BABY in order shoot someone in the face with a rocket launcher. That is just as smart as parents naming their kids, Bret and Farve.

If I have two kids I will name them ass and titties. Or in the more politically correct way, Gludious maximus, and breastases.

Think about it, are we, as humans, completely obsessed with entirely different realities than our own? I mean why are we so damn obsessed with heaven? Why are we so obsessed with learning new things...with going to space? Because we are always looking for something better...and depends on your religion

That is how you will find something better.

 

Disclaimer- Everything to follow this is completely satirical. It is not meant for anyone to catch feelings. These comments are childish, immature, and nonfactual.

Everyone loves kids. That is probably one of a teenagers favorite things to do. Everything that leads up to actually...having them. Now when you think about it, it is a rampant problem in society. I work at an area where the kids parents are the same age as me. Now besides the fact that a few mothers are drop dead gorgeous (Man I Like Fries - if you get this we are on the same page) some of them look like they have never even had a life.

Well besides their kids at least.

Now in the Ed Hardy rant I already touched on how young parents dress their kids to look like smaller, boogier, cuter images of themselves.

What does this get us?

Weaved up, hoodratted up, kids. These kids have worse attitudes than Susan B Anthony at a steakhouse.

Hehe.

This is why I am going to start a campaign - I Support Taking Candy from Hoodrat Babies.

Yes! This is just like the no child left behind act, except it resembles the Jacques Sweet tooth Act of 2005.

I am all for taking candy from a baby that looks flyer than me. Why? Because he obviously does not need it.

I want some damn Jordans. But I cannot afford them. Why?!!? Because I have to pay for some other stuff. And what gets lost in the translation of the other stuff?

Some fucking candy.

So, I am going to take candy from every little kid with fresh Jordans I see on Jamaica Avenue. When their parents get mad at me, (when they are not hitting on other women, WELCOME TO JAMAICA AVENUE) I will say,

"He does not need any candy. He might drop it on his fresh Jordans. Me and my Vans need some candy".

I am all for punting the kids shortly afterwards too.

I mean, dressing your kid to look like you just because you could not spend 3 dollars on a condom is something that really should not be happening. Instead of working on the alphabet or making sure, the most prominent figure in your child's life is not Kayla Suxxx and 50 Cent, you spend money on Jordans.

Not only Jordans, any other overly priced made by Asians in a sweatshop sneaker.

Depressing.

I am talking about the Asian sweatshop workers, not the babies. It is actually pretty funny. I laugh when I see that the kid talks in broken English (not because he did not speak English when he was born. THOSE parents know the deal. You will NEVER see those kids growing on those circumstances).

Something you people should think about, if a child does not learn his/her alphabet colors and numbers by kindergarden, they have an 80% chance of dropping out of high school.

And becoming a statistic.

I am a statistic though.

95% Sexy dark chocolate male. 5% Short.

The short is not that important.

 

Disclaimer- Everything to follow this is completely satirical. It is not meant for anyone to catch feelings. These comments are childish, immature, and nonfactual.

Many people ask me what is my actual reason for writing these rants. I mean, I try to educate the youth, (Jacques luh da kiiidzzz), I try to provoke conversations after reading, and I try to turn as many girls on with my written words as possible.

You can wipe the keyboard now - nasty.

Weave.

That one word strikes so many emotions in many people. Most black men, white women, and white men laugh hysterically. Now before I catch fire from all of my black female readers I point to the disclaimer...and my lower body.

Yes. Suck it.

I am talking about my toes.

Ugh nasty either way. I am ashamed.

But weave is basically horse hair died and created in China for giving women with out the blessing of long hair - long hair. Or if they need a new and intense style change, they can use this also. Or if they are in their lesbian stage in life and they need to show up to dinner with the parents that do not understand that their daughter loves the box -

This is for them too.

(To any lesbians reading this, I am only kidding. I love you people. Really.)

But it is sometime necessary for some people to carry on the look they have.

Now I have a sister and a mother (obviously) so I have a basic grasp on black female hair. Now some Hispanic girls are born with this hair (their mothers cry about it everyday) and it must be taken care of properly in order to grow in CORRECTLY. Now do not misunderstand me here, it MUST be taken care of.

Now every black girl had her "doodoo" braids part of life. This is the part of life which is probably the funniest all together and most entertaining. When my own sister had this, before she became all mean and intellectual and pretty and stuff, the insults would rain down on her like Sodom and Gomorrah.

I mean we were supportive, but damn vicious. Thirteen long years she had that doodoo inspired hair, then she got it permed and she had nice hair after that.

Now would you like to know where a lot of black girls went wrong?

They get their hair permed at 4 years old.

What happens with that? They ruin their hair. For pretty much the rest of their lives.

Now, do not get me wrong some girls look great with the short hair but that ruins it.

Then they get the weave. The weave is an integral part. I am proud to say NONE of my family members uses weave. Now I know some girls walking down the street use weave, but that is a problem they must settle on their own.

But that is like me wearing ACG boots to get a few inches on my height yanno?

Ugh. If I was only taller...

 

Disclaimer- Everything to follow this is completely satirical. It is not meant for anyone to catch feelings. These comments are childish, immature, and nonfactual.

No matter what anyone says or what anyone tries to make you think, religion plays an integral part in everyone's life. It is on our money, it is everywhere, and during the throws of sexual passion it is on everyone's mouth.

Ew. Sexual passion...mouth...lol.

Now we are constantly treading the fine line of religion and reason and sometimes you must veer to one side, but one thing I am very adamant about is -

(Its not gay marriage...they can do what ever they want)

Sex on Sunday.

Yes.

Sex on a Sunday is going against everything we are raised taught to do on a regular basis. Now we are all thought to not have sex before marriage, (unlike me, I am a virgin...virgin fo lyfe), not to drink, (some of you are hungover/drunk reading this RIGHT now), and not to play with yourself.

Now church/state are separated and that is great for the other minority religions in this country to practice their own and speak out.

But sex on a Sunday? Strict no no. I am really cool for all day Saturday and all day Monday and even Sunday night, but sex on a time where we are supposed to be going to church is just downright disrespectful. That makes me think though, what is wrong with us now a days that we need specific rules to govern when I stick my peniculour muscle in her vigrinitus griptus.

Now the main argument against sex on Sunday is that I should be going to church as it is. Now many people I know DO NOT go to church so they do not care, but we are supposed to. So if I wake up next to a girl and she wants to do it, BUT I am supposed to be praising the Lord at that same time...it is not going to happen.

Tease all you want, I do not want Jesus asking me why I was getting down with the business of getting down when I was supposed to be singing.

Now, I am all about sex on Saturday GOING INTO Sunday which or even Sunday night, but Sunday morning? Get out.

People get excommunicated for that kind of stuff.

Does this not raise an interesting question? In college it is rare to see a very religious kid. The most common saying has to be,

"When did I realize if I was God? When I was praying and I felt I was talking to myself"

Everyone's idea of religion should be respected no matter WHAT the idea is.

Now no matter what, if you are hitting it right you are going to hear God during sex.

In many languages.

Lets not get into death.

Adios Meo.

That was DEFINITELY spelt wrong.