It's orientation, so everybody play name games for the next three hours.

It's orientation, so everybody play Drunk Marco Polo, until it turns into Drunk Aquatic Making Out.

It might take you a few weeks to get used to the layout of campus.

It might take you a few weeks to get used to the layout of the stars. So use the GPS until you can navigate on your own.

This will be a lot different from your high school years. You'll have to really buckle down in class.

This will be a lot different from your high school years. The previous El Niño event was back when you all were in middle school.

The grading scale for classes is as follows: A, B, C, D, F.

The grading scale for classes is as follows: happy dolphin, frowny dolphin.

Dude, Tyler is so drunk!

Dude, Tyler is so drunk, or possibly seasick!

Why are all these townies at our party?

Why are all these Somali pirates at our party?

Time to sing our school's alma mater, "Something In Latin", written by Dead White Male Alumnus.

Time to sing our school's alma mater, "I'm On A Boat", written by The Lonely Island featuring T-Pain.

I'm not sitting out in the snow to watch our football team lose again.

I'm not playing shuffleboard unless we all take body shots off of whoever wins.

We've got to slow down the fun, it's Finals Week.

We've got to slow down the fun, it's a No Wake Zone in this particular harbor.

As the Chancellor/President/Provost, I have to enforce a strict alcohol policy.

As the Captain/Admiral/Commodore, I have to enforce an alcohol policy in keeping with the rules of international waters...which means no rules at all! [whole student body cheers]