Count von Count's Screen Test for Twilight

Casting Director: I'm going to have you read the part of Edward, the compassionate vampire, and I'll be reading Bella, his human love interest. This is the scene where they confess their love for each other, so it'd help for you to really bring...

Guide to a Recession-Proof Summer

Poverty's gone Megazord, and cash is hard to come by. Whatever job you had last summer has now been taken by someone older and sadder. What's worse, your friends all spike their hair and wear those cool MMA shirts, and thus have no reason to hang...

Burger King Kids Club: All Grown Up

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2010 Summer Movie Preview

College Musical: The End Of InnocenceZac Efron forgoes college because why go to college anyway if you can make, like, sixteen an hour sealing decks? In the first week he suffers irreparable brain damage from poor worksite ventilation, culminating...

Distinguished People Describing Really Sad Things To Do To Animals

Blessed are the people whose leaders can look a turtle in the eye without flinching while dousing it in lighter fluid and dropping it into a blender. - Henry KissingerYou know my friends, there comes a time when people get tired of being trampled...

Transcript of the Secret Meeting Between President Obama and Oprah

(President Obama and Oprah are seated across from one another in two arm chairs. The president is well postured and dignified. Oprah is wearing a yellow pantsuit and a button that reads "Yes Oprah Can." She lifts her leg and farts. The room begins...

Let's Be Wiisonable

How I Used the Coupon Book My Girlfriend Gave Me for Christmas, by the Worst Boyfriend Ever

After the gravy/blood transfusion, I stuffed her gullet with chopped sage, polenta, parsley, and finely grated Parmigiano-Reggiano. Next I cooked her slowly-about twenty minutes per pound. Then I called all the Native Americans in the phone book...

Monthly Review from an Obsessive Compulsive Roommate

To Lucas, My University-Designated Rooming Person,I would first like to thank you for being a tolerant and non-judgmental friend. I thank you for understanding why it is important to play Arctic Whale Songs, tracks three, seven, and eleven at...

The University Circus

Five oddities every undergrad's sure to encounter.Gym Rat: Most people visit the gym with a clear goal in mind. Usually it's either to get in shape, to improve physical appearance, or simply to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Then there's the guy...

The Seven Types of Grandma

The Textbook: Kind eyes, a precise five-centimeter half-ro extended off her shriveled skull, godlike pie-making skills, and a card-carrying Wheel Watchers member, the Textbook is the grandma we've all heard of yet never actually encountered. I'll...

The Ugg-ly Truth

Dear Ugg-Boot Wearing Friend,      If a woman's best friend is her shoes, I suggest you meet new people. You started wearing Ugg boots four or five years ago, and we all thought it was a pretty funny joke. Everyone was...

Web MD Guest Editors

Yang Wins All-Around Bronze After "Old MacDonald" Routine

After a masterful showing on the uneven bars in Beijing on Thursday night, Yilin Yang of China took home the bronze medal. Her hopes for gold or silver faded after a great, but not perfect, performance on the floor to "Old...

I am Going to Count to Three

You have 'til the count of three to come down from that coffee table, mister. What happens at three is a mystery to you. I could spank you, I suppose. Three swift smacks to the bottom, you run crying to your room, and ten minutes later you've...

Adverse Effects of Baby Einstein Videos

Style Changes

1994Mom: Steve, try on these Bugle Boy pants I bought you.Me: OK.Mom: The cuffs are stretchy so you don't tear them when you play.Me: I pooped in them already.!slice1996Me: Fellas, the Big Dog is in da house! See, it says so on my shirt.Lucas: We...

Historical(ly accurate) Haikus

Jane AustenI feign interestBecause my girlfriend loves you But you suck goat balls

How My Friends and I Appear to My Grandma

Steve: Hey Lucas, what do you want to do tonight? Lucas: The same thing I want to do every night: have some of your Grandmama's delicious cherry pie with coo' whip. Steve: Mmm mmm, I declare, nothing is more satisfying than my Grandmama's cherry...