Taylor

My Failed Attempts at Finding a Summer Fling on Craigslist

Approach 1: Single out my dream girl.

How My Friends and I Appear to My Grandpa

Steve: Hey Lucas, ready for yet another night of insolent vagrancy? Lucas: Yeah, I can't wait to stay out past ten o'clock doing all those bad things we like to do, like wearing scary clothes and making loud noises in restaurants....

Style Changes

1994Mom: Steve, try on these Bugle Boy pants I bought you.Me: OK.Mom: The cuffs are stretchy so you don't tear them when you play.Me: I pooped in them already.!slice1996Me: Fellas, the Big Dog is in da house! See, it says so on my shirt.Lucas: We...

How My Friends and I Appear to My Grandma

Steve: Hey Lucas, what do you want to do tonight? Lucas: The same thing I want to do every night: have some of your Grandmama's delicious cherry pie with coo' whip. Steve: Mmm mmm, I declare, nothing is more satisfying than my Grandmama's cherry...

Count von Count's Screen Test for Twilight

Casting Director: I'm going to have you read the part of Edward, the compassionate vampire, and I'll be reading Bella, his human love interest. This is the scene where they confess their love for each other, so it'd help for you to really bring...

The Seven Types of Grandma

The Textbook: Kind eyes, a precise five-centimeter half-ro extended off her shriveled skull, godlike pie-making skills, and a card-carrying Wheel Watchers member, the Textbook is the grandma we've all heard of yet never actually encountered. I'll...

A Field Guide to Summer Jobs

House Painting: It's a pity job. You're pitied more than an armless kid in an Easter egg hunt. No one hires college painters and doesn't expect do redo all the trimmings the following day. Only mothers who have kids in college will ever hire you,...

Why Facebook Should be Limited to College Students

I don't really use Facebook much, but I am a little annoyed by how it's turned into an orgy of pointless applications used mostly by people who shouldn't have social networking profiles in the first place. Here are a few examples of people who...

My Second Grade Conception of College

Stretch Armstrong: Hello Steve, I'm your new roommate.Me: Wow...Stretch Armstrong: I hope you're ready for a year of no homework, no baths, and tons of fun!Me: (Nods head)Stretch Armstrong: Say, those are some pretty sweet glasses you got there....

Guide to a Recession-Proof Summer

Poverty's gone Megazord, and cash is hard to come by. Whatever job you had last summer has now been taken by someone older and sadder. What's worse, your friends all spike their hair and wear those cool MMA shirts, and thus have no reason to hang...

How I Used the Coupon Book My Girlfriend Gave Me for Christmas, by the Worst Boyfriend Ever

After the gravy/blood transfusion, I stuffed her gullet with chopped sage, polenta, parsley, and finely grated Parmigiano-Reggiano. Next I cooked her slowly-about twenty minutes per pound. Then I called all the Native Americans in the phone book...

Adverse Effects of Baby Einstein Videos

The University Circus

Five oddities every undergrad's sure to encounter.Gym Rat: Most people visit the gym with a clear goal in mind. Usually it's either to get in shape, to improve physical appearance, or simply to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Then there's the guy...

How the Far Left Imagines a Conservative Family and Vice Versa

How the Far Left Imagines a Conservative FamilyBoyfriend: Hey dear, how was your day?Girlfriend: It was wonderful, I had an abortion. It was the bomb.Boyfriend: Ah the fruits of our premarital relations. Anyways, what’s for dinner?...

Monthly Review from an Obsessive Compulsive Roommate

To Lucas, My University-Designated Rooming Person,I would first like to thank you for being a tolerant and non-judgmental friend. I thank you for understanding why it is important to play Arctic Whale Songs, tracks three, seven, and eleven at...

Transcript of the Secret Meeting Between President Obama and Oprah

(President Obama and Oprah are seated across from one another in two arm chairs. The president is well postured and dignified. Oprah is wearing a yellow pantsuit and a button that reads "Yes Oprah Can." She lifts her leg and farts. The room begins...

Mad Libs Wikipedia

Why Dudes Should Be Banned From the Delivery Room

Doctor: Alright, just keep pushing, you’re doing fine. This will all be done before you know it.Karen: I HATE YOU I HATE YOU GARRRRFFFFF OOOOOOOO I HAAATTEEE YOUUU!!!!!Jeff: Ok, like this is my fault. You're responsibly for at least fifty...

Let's Be Wiisonable