Take Up Blindness

Boomer
A pre-adolescent nugget-scarfing habit and the emotional fallout from an illicit relationship with Steve Harvey ballooned her trim physique to an obscene 300 pounds, after which she switched her allegiances to Subway. Unaware that Jared never ate the "Pile-All-The-Meats-On-There-And-Charge-Me-Ten-Bucks on Italian herbs and cheese," she eventually topped the scale at 423, and then became pregnant for six consecutive years to maintain an excuse for being fat. Like every other living person named Boomer, she lives on a catfish farm in the Mississippi Delta. And in case you're wondering, she named all her kids after dipping sauces.

 

 

Wheels

After years of regenerative physical therapy and undergoing a costly experimental bionics procedure, Wheels took his first steps in 2002 and...nah, I'm just yankin' your chain. He tears tickets at a movie theatre. Still living that semi-harmed kinda life, if you know what I mean.

 

 

Kid Vid
Equipped with two kinds of skills that are rarely simultaneous--technological and interpersonal--Kid Vid founded an online consulting firm, Kiddie Kommodities, for parents who want to exploit their children through corporate advertising. Approached in 2003 by Billy Ray Cyrus, Kid Vid assembled a dream team of Kit Culkin, Lynne Spears, and Michael Jackson's father's ghost, and created the Frankenstein of child stars using his newly-patented fame formula of virtue, bubbliness, and pheromonal sexuality. They called her Miley.

 

 

Snaps
Good college, dream wedding, adorable baby--that whole shtick. Had a gluten reaction at 22, turned out to be celiac disease. Chronic diarrhea, severe vomiting, distended bowels. Pretty much the works. If you want to see an eruption, give her a Wheat Thin.

 

 

I.Q.
A brilliant young chemist with accumulating student loans, I.Q. started spending time in a new kind of laboratory, producing wholesale methamphetamine under the street name "Burger Zing." Knowing his way around an ephedrine molecule, he found a way to synergize Alka-Seltzer with his product, allowing him to pocket an extra 30 bucks a gram. Once his debts were paid, he found himself too deep in the trafficking game, and one thing led to another until he became the top dawg in southwestern distribution for the Latin Kings.

 

 

Lingo
Speaking of Latin Kings, guess who became a Latin Queen, that is a total sets-off-your-smoke-detector, five alarm flamer? Bingo--it's Lingo. Fresh out of high school, he decided to explore the theme park industry.While drawing caricatures at Six Flags let him pursue his art and stare at soaking wet boy toys as they got off water rides, Bugs Bunny National Park wasn't as fabulous as he'd hoped. So he quit and opened a boutique in Wrigleyville, where he does nude portraits on commission.   

 

 

J.D.
Dead; ate a lot of chocolate.

 

 

Jaws
He graduated magna cum laude from an esteemed east coast university and took work with an ad agency in Brooklyn. After bottom-feeding in the company for a number of years, a couple of big clients came his way and he eventually found success as a freelancer. He's recently worked on a series of print ads for Vitamin Water. And no, nothing with basketball, nothing with fried chicken. Tell your assumptions to suck it.

The Resurrection of Ray
In a summer of sequels, Ray Charles returns to the big screen, admitting he never really died but instead got lost in the mall for five years. Tired of listening to "Goosebumps" on audio-book, Ray opts to undergo a procedure to install digital cornea implants so he can read them on his own. But when the surgeon turns out to be an Al Qaeda operative, Ray finds his only chance of survival is through his gift of song. Rated PG-13 for an extended musical montage of heroin use.

A Country For Old Men: Florida Secedes
As America becomes too loud what with the iCars and confounded HCTV transversion doocritters, the Federalists south of Kissimmee sell what's left in the cotton exchange and announce the formation of the Goodly Christian Nation Of Industrial Regression For The Having Of Restful Porches And Bountiful Taffy. Things go sour in the GCNOIRFTHORPABT when they find their senior discounts no longer work at Dennys when there aren't young people around.

Frost/Snowman
Fifty-five years after his network television debut, Frosty the Snowman returns in this intimate documentary, delivering a dire warning against global climate change. "Trapped greenhouse gas can take my coal eyes and button nose, but it'll never tame my spirit." Shot in a meat locker, the film features appearances by Al Gore, Santa Claus, and Gene Autry's suspended corpse animated by a puppeteer.

Titanic 2: The Human Skeleton As An Aquatic Habitat
Any dummy familiar with the hemolization of blood and the microbial lure of seeping abdominal gasses just knew that Jack was soon to be a Sunday buffet for calliphoridae, trogidae, and then sphaeroceridae. But what happens when the gradual depletion of flesh nutrients leaves Jack a vacant exoskeletal hovel? Move in day! Damon Wayans and Gilbert Gottfried have an osteoblast starring as two far-from-home anemones on a journey to find a commodious domicile for hermaphroditic reproduction!

Dreamworks Presents: A Crapload of Animals Voiced by Whoopi Goldberg
What do you get when you put a roller-skating giraffe, a ping pong playing octopus, and a cocker spaniel with a speech impediment in the same room? A par-tay! Whoopi Goldberg stars as seven different animals assuming the following archetypal roles: The Urban One, The Surprisingly Level-Headed Female, The Mysterious One With A Spanish Accent, The One Who Farts In Suspenseful Silences, The Villain Whose Temper/Greed Will Be His Downfall, The Villain's Brainless Henchman, and The Annoying One. Buy the lunchbox now before it goes on clearance at Target in the fall.

You know my friends, there comes a time when people get tired of being trampled by the iron feet of oppression. This is the time when we all come together with jalapeno poppers and soda pop, and watch a dolphin fry in a tanning bed. - Martin Luther King Jr.

The long hours spent with animals in the forest have enriched my life beyond measure. Especially when I fit a baby giraffe with a pair of roller skates and stick it on a treadmill. - Jane Goodall

I did not get on the bus to get arrested. I got on that bus to go string an octopus to a tetherball pole and watch the kids go nuts. - Rosa Parks

I believe that in the 20th century, humanity has learned from many, many experiences. Like cutting open a football and filling it with broken glass, newspaper, and a hamster, and then playing catch for a while. This teaches us grace. - The Dalai Lama

A man does what he must - even if it means forcing a lemur to stare at a solar eclipse - and that is the basis of all human morality. - John F. Kennedy

No one is as capable of gratitude as one who has emerged from the kingdom of night. Except maybe the squirrel who's been strapped to a boomerang and dipped in a highly corrosive substance. It's a close call. - Elie Wiesel

If I were not a physicist, I would probably be a musician, or maybe I'd pursue my dream of building the world's first koala bomb. - Albert Einstein

Every Hindu boy and girl should possess sound Samskrit learning. And a car battery to electrocute elephants after school. - Mohandas Gandhi

Man, was Sasha ever pissed at her birthday party when she discovered the piñata was just a cocker spaniel covered in papier-mâché. - Barack Obama

Oprah: So, Baracky boy--

Obama: --Please, Mr. Obama or President Obama works fine.

Oprah: Oh? But shouldn't we be on a first name basis? After all, I'm irrefutably the most powerful black woman on the planet and you're the most powerful black man. You'd think that'd constitute some sort of...affinity.

(She reaches forward and strokes his thigh. He immediately jerks his leg away.)

Obama: Miss Winfrey, this is entirely uncou--

Oprah: --Ope. Just call me Ope. Like Hope without the H.

Obama: Oprah, this is exceedingly inappropriate, and who we are as professionals shouldn't license us as individuals to...

(President Obama lectures about ethics while Oprah, not actually listening, applies very bright lipstick and unbuttons the top button on her jacket.)

Obama: ...people of integrity to a higher standard. Is that understood?

Oprah: You know, Mr. President, I never married because I didn't think there was a man who could ball in my court. But as I understand, you truly are commander in chief when you play.

(Oprah is somehow eating Combos suggestively.)

The first round of auditions took place in scorching Phoenix, where the talent and landscape were comparably barren. Randy, still sporting a modest layer of blubber, was literally melting all over the carpet, much to the dismay of Manuel, the mop-wielding custodian with the villainous mustache visible in certain celebratory shots.

The first surprise of the new season was the fourth judge, Kara DioGuardi, the big-time songwriter/producer who must literally sit outside Disney World with an enormous net, as she is behind the, ahem, music of bubbalicious stars like Hillary Duff, Miley Cyrus, Raven Symone, Vanessa Hudgens, and, go figure, Carlos Santana. She and Paula totally had the girl power thing going on, and it was expectedly irritating.

The Diseased?: On the shadowy end of your hallway lives a guy who, by all indicators, must have a disease or something. The evidence stacks up like coats at a house party, and though everyone's afraid to ask him, the general consensus is that he's either highly diseased or a graduate of Professor Xavier's School for the Unloved Mutants. There's just something about his scrawny frame, his inflated and unbalanced skull, and his prolonged blinks which make people leery to use the same shower he's used (and probably shed radioactive skin particles in). You try to be nice to the guy, but it's hard to concentrate on a conversation when he's maniacally stacking Coke cans on his window sill and combing the carpet for a missing piece of lead. As long as you don't lend him your loofa or anything, you should be fine. It's advisable, though, to return to your room immediately if you see glowing eyes in the hallway late at night.

The No-Vacancy: Keep a "Caution: wet floor" sign around this grandma, because she drools more than Sarah Palin during an episode of Rocky and Bullwinkle. If a No-Vacancy can walk, which they usually can't, it's only to the nearest window to talk to clouds. A No-Vacancy is completely checked out, will mutter in a way that makes Dikembe Mutombo seem articulate, and has all the composure of Michael Jackson in a moon bounce. If your grandma is a No-Vacancy, it's alright to be disappointed. Just remember: she never counts what's in her purse.

Primeval Barbie: Usually found thumbing through sports bras in Macy's, the Primeval Barbie is the grandma who clings to youth like a dingleberry that just won't come loose. Primeval Barbie has her cosmetic surgeon on speed dial, and thinks of herself as an intergenerational liaison, an idea that is flagrantly malformed and senseless. If you can't poop without supplements, you shouldn't be allowed to have a normal conversation with your granddaughter. End of discussion.