Tufts

What they say / What they mean - Your parents one week after graduation

We understand the economy is terrible, don't worry honey, you'll figure it out. (We resent you for not having a job.)You can live at home until you get on your feet. (You are a burden. Get a job)It's OK to not know what you want to do with your...

Reasons that Harrison Ford is obviously the second coming of christ.

His mother was jewish and his father was never aroundHe worked as a carpenter until he gave it up for a career as an oratorHe spent 6 days and 7 nights in the wilderness.There is almost no documentation of his life until he was 31.You love him. He...

An Increasingly Drunk Guy at a Party Reviews Movies

For the first installation of An Increasingly Drunk Guy atat Party Reviews Movies, we present a review of an old favorite: Independence Day.Wait, dude, you don't like Independence Day? Are you insane,what's not to like? It's got Aliens, stuff...

Your Random Hook-Up Translated

Simply roll your mouse over the text to reveal its true meaning!Don't worry, we just broke up. We're going to break up once he/she finds out about this. I need to wake up early. You need to leave after I'm done. Have you been tested? You...

Tyson's Choice

Dear Beechwood State - RE: Brian Ackerson's Acceptance

To Whom It May Concern in the Admissions Office of Beechwood State University: I am writing to provide supplementary information for one of your recently accepted students, Brian Ackerson. I am sure that your staff in the admissions office is...

Perez Hilton Blogs Through History

The Clintons Are At It Again

A Former Contestant On MTV's "Next"

Brandon walks into his favorite restaurant Picante del Sol. Maitre d': Yes sir, how can I help you? Brandon: What's up? I'm Brandon, a twenty one year old surfer who spends my time riding the waves and straight up chillin'. I love classic cars and...

John Mayer's 10 Year Reunion

Lydia: Wow, it's so great to see you guys. Ted: Definitely. I can't believe it's been ten years already. Brian: We sure had some good times back in high school. Lydia: Oh no. Ted: What? Lydia: Look who just burst through the double doors. Brian:...

Verona: Based on a True Story

Juliet stands waiting by her window while a swift breeze blows by.Juliet: Romeo, O Romeo. Wherefore art thou Romeo?Romeo: Hey, I'm down here. Will you shut up? You're gonna wake up the whole neighborhood.Juliet: I can't but keep my lips silent yet...

How I Met Your Mother

Jeremy and his parents are sitting at the kitchen table over dinner during winter break.Mom: It's so good to have you home Jeremy.Jeremy: Yeah, OK.Dad: You're making a lot of friends at school son?Jeremy: Yeah, actually...there's something I want...

Lesser Known Lists By Oskar Schindler

The Kid Who Grew Up Without a TV

Jesse: So, I was watching the Disney Channel last night...Roger: Wow. Don't even talk to me. Jesse: Dude, they have re-runs of Boy Meets World. Shut up.Roger: Oh, for real?Jesse: Yeah, so good. Roger: Man, I used to have the biggest crush on...

People Who Won't Be Celebrating All Souls Day Tomorrow

Lucifer Geraldo Rivera White R&B Singers Carlos Mencia Suri Cruise

Never Before Seen: Back To The Future - 1st Draft

Many people know that actor Eric Stoltz, originally cast as Marty McFly in the film "Back to the Future" was replaced by Michael J. Fox after only four weeks of shooting. According to recently uncovered documents, however, that wasn't the only...

Insensitive Guy at an Intervention

A small group of friends and family stand around a kitchen in an apartment talking. Tom: I hope Mike appreciates what we're doing for him.Scott: I think even if he doesn't appreciate it now, he will understand eventually.Ellen: Oh my God you guys....

On Columbus Day

October 12, 1492 - Somewhere in the Americas Christopher Columbus steps off his ship onto land. His shipmates are wide-eyed and eager to explore the riches of the land they have just stumbled upon. Columbus: You see? I told you we'd make it here....

Frat Shirt Translations

Woohoo! It's time for that big homecoming game! That means you get to do two things 1) drink beer while pretending to feign passing interest in your school's football team and 2) get to see what clever T-shirt slogans the fraternities on campus...

The Therapist's Son

Sean Johnson, 9, sits in the school cafeteria eating his lunch when Ron Gunner, the school bully approaches.Ron: Hey loser, give me your sandwich.Sean: Well, Ron, this is my only source of nourishment until I get home but if you'd like a bite I'd...