What are these people doing in this kitchen?

Did that British asshole and his fake wife just have a sleepover? Why is that old hag there and why won't she ash her cigarette? These people clearly aren't related so what on earth are they doing there? And why do we need to know that fat, bald guys name is Berman and that he likes to party? Our we to believe that this rag tag group of losers are actually friends? I'm surprised that the director didn't make the group more diverse.Wouldn'tit havebeen better ifall nine white people were showinga fifteen year old Haitian boy how to use the Magic Bullet?

Why are these people so excited about the Magic Bullet?

If I was at someone's house and they started spouting of bullshit about some crappy blender I would leave. Who wants to hear about what you can make with it for forty-five minutes? It can make chocolate mouse, really? Do you think Berman came when he saw the chocolate mouse? Smart money is on yes.

But what about frozen drinks for a party?

The entire commercial they won't shut up about gettingthe party started. Did they just wake up from a party the night before and now they're going to startpartying again? They're wearing fucking bathrobes and they're going to start drinking again. And how do you start a party when everyone who was invited is already sitting around and conversing? In cheesy English accent, "Okay guys, strip down naked, lets do some body shots and Berman tell me you remembered to bring the blow?"

Why can't Magic Bullet just film a regular crappy informercial?

Just tell us about the product and tell us how many easy payments it is. Who isn't tired of hearing a bunch of assholes yap about how great things are and give their own "personal experiences"? If the Extenzecreeps met up with the Magic Bullet drunks it would then be one hell of a party? Frozen daiquiris and hard ons for everyone! Hell at that party Berman and that old woman might even get laid. They'd be fucking eachother but it still counts.

Why do they run this informercial sixty-eight times between midnight and seven in the morning?

Who exactly is the Magic Bullets target audience? Insomniacs? Drunks? Petophiles (hence why Berman is there)? Can they not afford ad time during the hours that regular people keep? Orare those hours reserved for products that people actually give a damn about? Smart money is on yes.

In actuality the Magic Bullet Corporation is truly genius. The lameness of their infomercial is and continues to spark conversation about their shitty product. May you rot in hell Magic Bullet.

“I’m here today to announce that I will be stepping down as Thomas’ penis. As you know I have been with Thomas over twenty years but I believe that it‘s best if we go our separate ways.

Things began to deteriorate around the time that Thomas met his future wife. The restrictions that she has put on me have caused irreparable damage of my goals, as a penis, along with my self esteem. When I started here I had a set of goals and unfortunately we did not reach those goals. Among these goals, I wished to have had sex with at least six women by Thomas’ twenty-first birthday, but with the deadline nearing I do not believe this to be feasible anymore. Having won only once in the last seven years it seems impossible for me to make up the ground that I have lost.

Unfortunately for Thomas, the program is not in solid shape. After my offensive coordinator, Tom’s brain, left many years ago we have not been able to effectively hit on any new women. Thomas’ ‘fianc?squo; doesn’t help things much either. She has constantly been around trying to run my program as if she has my job. It was this mentality that forced Tom’s balls to resign once Thomas and her began dating.

In closing, it has been a wild ride. Actually, its been a lack of a wild ride. And for that reason I must part ways with a program that once showed so much promise. In middle school we were the shit Tom, don’t you ever forget that! Granted back then that the girls didn’t go all the way but if we had stayed on track we would’ve been bathing in ’tang once we got to high school. It’s all that bitches fault, man! I hate her! I fuckin hate her, man!

Thank you.”

Thomas’ Penis (1987-2007)