CollegeHumor: University of Cincinnati Stuff

Harry Caray

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 23:48:00 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1923700"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/9/collegehumor.a31f0fd9760542979655d5b90f7f8f3b.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:266152">Zach Mueller</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:402"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 5 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Hi, Billy Mays here!

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 12:09:46 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1923676"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/f/collegehumor.7436303ca2ebc2a38de29bcf691c5f48.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1809060">Robin DeJager</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:402"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1923676">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Go Bearcats, fight fight fight!

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 12:00:57 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1923670"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/3/collegehumor.398940967d901716e994fb735f140ad2.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1809060">Robin DeJager</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:402"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1923670">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Expressing Sadness in Song

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 02:31:42 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1919777"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/3/7/collegehumor.a9f46b83a52f485ff44139a78480fb7d.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:509425">ZombieLennon</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:402"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 21:25:35 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1916283"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/4/collegehumor.0c609febe6c364687684b33499383d85.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:718203">BigRick</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:402"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1916283">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

i go sleepy now

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 23:48:03 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1915999"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/f/3/collegehumor.6d139a2f7dd4c819ce4daa632b9dafee.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:32042">nick heath</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:402"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1915999">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Yo no hablo...

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 07:54:51 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1914194"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/5/0/collegehumor.12322db56247d3af0de668709d879f48.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1706840">Jordan</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:402"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Ralphie May

Thu, 14 May 2009 13:56:18 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1911122"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/8/collegehumor.eac056e6c5ac2b62efd4b198794cccf5.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:506870">Justin</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:402"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1911122">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Single in the city. . .

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 21:16:04 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> So as of approximately 72 hours ago, I am officially the only single girl left in my circle of friends. My last remaining single girl friend has abandoned ship and reeled in herself a man. I'm mixed between feelings of being extremely happy for her and horribly depressed for myself. Although, to be quite honest, I really have no one to blame for why I'm single but myself; I'm far too picky for my own good. But I am actually working on changing this, and by that I mean that I have gone on several dates this year. Yes, you read that correctly. I have gone on several dates. I know, you're not use to hearing the word "date" from me without "can't get a" or "hasn't gone on a" or "hell would have to freeze over and such unlikely events as world peace or the ending of world hunger or Lindsay Lohan winning an Oscar before I would ever go on a" in front of it. My roommate told me how proud she was of me. I said, "More proud than that time I saved that kid from that burning building?" She said she would be, had I actually saved a kid from a burning building. I figure that I need to give people more chances rather than forming judgements and opinions right away. The effect of this is probably what you can predict: I usually end up only going on one date with these guys because my suspicions are often confirmed. It's what I like to call The First Date Curse. I never make it to a second date.

My friend, lets call her "Kari", has a boyfriend who recently relocated for a job; so until she graduates and moves down there to be with him, she has a lot more free time. She has taken it upon herself to play matchmaker. I value her opinion on guys, because her boyfriend is actually a really great guy. This might be because he is caring and nice, or it might be because he wasn't at all weirded out when I asked him if the carpet matched the drapes. This led to a spontaneous conversation regarding pubic hair, which then led to a comment by "Kari" telling me that the next time I have sex with a guy, I need to make sure he knows it's BYO Lemon Pledge, because there's probably some serious cobweb build-up going on down there. "And remember, Ashley," she said, "Go WITH the grain, not against it."

Where was I before I went off on my pubic hair tangent? Oh, The First Date Curse. This curse is not helpful at all and I'm trying to get passed it. I told one of my other friends that this was my year, that 2009 was the year I was going to get engaged. I just had to get a few things in line: first, I have to find a guy that I can spend more than 2 hours with and not be completely irritated by him. Next, I need to get this guy to agree to be my boyfriend. Then, I need to trick him into falling in love with me. And lastly, I have to convince him that spending $10,000 on an engagement ring would be a good decision for him. Once the "I do's" happen, it's too late for him to turn back. I still have 8 months to get this to happen. Oh man, I pity that poor bastard. Probably sitting out there, right now, on a couch watching ESPN, completely unsuspecting. He never had a chance. (I should note right now that most of this paragraph is a joke. I say this to prevent coming off like a crazy person. . .although, I do have a vagina and I am a woman and therefore crazy by default.)

On a completely unrelated, irrelevant topic as a way to end this article: have you ever had a moment that just completely humbles you to the core? You know, like you see someone less fortunate than you giving their last penny to someone who has even less than them? Or you hear about some guy rescuing his entire family from a car wreck? I just had one of those moments. I just realized that my underwear is on inside out. 23 years old and I can still manage to put my underwear on inside out. Well, I guess the better statement would be, 23 years old and I still think it's acceptable to sit around in my apartment in my underwear. My roommate and I, I have recently discovered, are underwear people. I mean, I always knew I was; I enjoy doing pretty much everything in my underwear: folding laundry, writing blog entries, re-wiring a light fixture in my living room. I didn't know my roommate was an underwear person until the other day, when I went to go into her room and she was in there gift wrapping presents. . .in her underwear. It was quite the bonding experience.

View Article

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:41794"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/9/collegehumor.ccc66c24b9741afa6074a09952eb43a1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:41794">Ashley</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:402"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Abracadabra

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 17:28:28 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> I'm taking this English class and the other day we were talking about this story we were reading. In the story there's this guy who is granted three wishes (no, it's not Aladdin) and as the story progresses, you learn about the consequences of the wishes he makes. Anyway, I got to thinking about what I would wish for if I had three wishes. . .except for the sake of having this blog entry be sufficiently long enough, I've decided I would have ten wishes. Because this is my blog. And I do what I want. After much thought and effort, I would now like to share my wishes with you:

Wish #1
I would wish for smaller boobs. I feel oddly disproportionate most of the time, I feel like in order for my top half to match my bottom half, I should be a B or C cup; however, I'm a D cup. I have to wear at least two sports bras when I run. At work, they make it into a game to see who can get the most espresso beans between my boobs. The other day I was changing and I found a piece of popcorn down there. I guess I was saving it for later, maybe a midnight snack.

Wish #2
I would turn my kitchen into a Bruegger's Bagels. It combines my two great passions in life: coffee and bagels. Well, actually my two great passions in life include coffee and anything you can put cheese on (and trust me, there's not much you can't put cheese on without it being delicious).

Wish #3
I would wish for a guy to write a song about me and then serenade me with it. It would be called Hey There Ashley and would feature a 5 minute and 11 second guitar solo, ala Lynard Skynard's Free Bird.

Wish #4
My next wish would be that there would never be a time when I would go into a computer lab on campus and the printer would not be working. Which seems to be the case 90% of the time. One time I went to print out my American History final paper--I literally went to three different computer labs and none of them had working printers. I finally had to go into the main library and print it off there. Consequently, that was the first time I ever step foot into a library here on UC's campus. Wait, that's a lie. I went into the College of Law library once, but that was just to use the bathroom. Which brings me to my next wish:

Wish #5
I would wish for a bigger bladder. My doctor says I have an over-active bladder and it has greatly hindered my social life: I always have to sit on the oustide of the booth when my friends and I go out to dinner. Upon entering any new environmental setting, I immediately have to locate and use the bathroom. Don't even get me started on roadtrips. The bathroom at work has also been nicknamed "Ashley's Office." I'm 10 years away from admitting defeat and just wearing adult diapers.

Wish #6
I would wish to be more classy. I feel my level of classiness can be summed up in one photo:
Please note the bottle of Miller Lite in my right hand and, most importantly, the fact that my bra is hanging out for all the world to see. Also, don't forget to take in the half-glazed look in my eyes following beer #4.

My roommate is probably going to kill me for putting her photo up on here, but ultimately she'll understand it was necessary for a visual aid.

Wish #7
I would wish for the 6 hours of my life back that I lost my sophomore year of college and have no memory of. I don't know exactly what occurred in these 6 hours, I just know that I woke up in my dorm room bed with no pants on. My friend Megan was spooning me and I was spooning a loaf of day-old Jimmy John's bread. This marked the first and last time I played the Saved by the Bell drinking game using liquor.

Wish #8
I would wish for more rhythm. Or just rhythm in general. I never realized how truly white I was until this last Saturday when I was willingly and soberly dancing on top of a table at the Hofbrauhuas to the chicken dance. It was at that moment when I looked around at all the other white folk dancing on the tables and realized, these are my people. And my people can't dance.

Wish #9
This wish would be that I would be able to have fewer dirty thoughts. Stay with me on this one. I can honestly say that about 70% of my thoughts are dirty or trying to make something non-dirty into being dirty. I don't know why I do this, but it just happens all the time. One time my Geography professor was talking about caves and how they were dark tunnels and sometimes hard to get into. . .I'm pretty sure I said "that's what she said" like, eight times in my head.

Wish #10
My last wish would be to create a channel that showed nothing but The Golden Girls reruns. That way I could choose any time of the day I wanted to spend some quality time with Blanche Devereaux, Dorothy Zbornak, Rose Nylund and Sophia Petrillo. My four greatest, oldest friends.

In hindsight, I probably should've paid more attention to what my English professor was discussing when we were talking about the story rather than coming up with this list, but oh well. I guess I'll never know the answers to those five-related questions that are gonna be on the final.

View Article

Paper Rape Prank

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 18:52:44 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1903881"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/d/collegehumor.80941dedfa173df235ccda0dab445ccb.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1953856">Alex</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:402"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1903881">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

That guy at the Oscars.

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 11:09:25 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1901695"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/f/collegehumor.17aaf84674cc2c754c1773cffcdb088d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:76752">Cozmo</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:402"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1901695">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

eGarmany

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 17:49:23 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Valentine's Day was on Saturday and as to not let go of tradition, I spent it alone and of course, writing about how I spent it alone in an embarrassingly detailed article. Like the past three years. I wouldn't want to disappoint anyone by, you know, having an actual date. I know how most people hate change. Well, actually I didn't get asked on any dates and the only person who got me a Valentine's gift was my dad. Which, I don't know if that's a step up from the year the only Valentine's gift I got was a dozen of my favorite flowers, yellow roses, from my one of friends, who's a lesbian. Or the year I spent the entire night lying on my aunt and uncle's couch, watching Dancing With the Stars. I've pretty much come to terms with my singledom, so this year it won't be so depressing when I see other people getting presents and flowers and holding hands. Oh, who am I kidding? We all know I'm about seven years away from succumbing to online dating sites. My friend pointed out the other day that I start about 40% of our conversations with the phrase, "So I was on Netflix the other night. . .", which has caused her to dub Netflix as my new boyfriend. This only made me realize further that I need a romantic life, stat. So although I refuse to actually give in and sign up for Match.com or eHarmony until I'm at least closing in on 30, I started imagining what my profile would look like on one of those sites:

Name: Ashley Garmany

Age: 23

Sex: Not for the better part of 2008. Oh wait, in terms of what this question is asking? Female.

Occupation: Student: 15th year senior; Barista--fancy term for "I get paid minimum wage to hit a button that says 'espresso', I also expect you to tip me for pouring your coffee into a cup."

I'm a: woman seeking a man. If this doesn't pan out, will consider woman seeking a woman.

Hobbies: Stalking people on facebook, talking about doing things but never actually doing them, masturbating, talking about masturbating, masturbating to guys' pictures on facebook--haha, jk. But no, really.

Goals: Eventually get my Ph. D. in Psychology. Half, because I want to help people and change their lives. And half because I want people to call me Dr. Garmany, including but not limited to my patients, my friends and my immediate family.

Pen my autobiography. Again, half because I think it'd be therapeutic for me to share my trials and tribulations with the rest of the world. And half because I think it would make an amazing Lifetime Original Movie entitled, She Stood Alone: The Ashley Garmany Story. It would star Tori Spelling as myself and would go on to be nominated for, however not win, an Emmy for Best Made-for-Television movie.

Bring back scrunchiis. Not only are they a fashionable way to hold back your hair, they can double as an even more fashionable bracelet. And in dire situations, they can hold together the engine of a car.

Do you want. . .

. . .to get married? Maybe one day, if I can find a guy who doesn't annoy me. Or maybe we'll just annoy each other equally, so it'll cancel each annoyance out. And we can spend the rest of our lives together, irritated but with really great make-up sex. Oh, and he has to massage my back whenever I ask.

. . .to have children? I like to practice safe sex. And by that I mean involuntary celibacy.

. . .to one day have Christian Bale realize that you two were meant for each other and who cares if he sometimes goes into fits of rage and yells at you using every variation of the word "fuck" so long as at the end of the night you two make sweet love together while Phil Collins' timeless classic In The Air Tonight plays softly in the distance? Yes.

I don't really know how these dating sites work, but I'm sure my profile would get a ton of views and even more subsequent rejections.

View Article

Hugh Hefner career change? Please go back to publishing Playboy!

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 11:48:12 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1900130"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/3/collegehumor.70f3eff8d79520f713f789b351a35f52.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1809060">Robin DeJager</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:402"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1900130">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Little John must make some sweet bikes, considering it is Berlin's biggest bike shop, LOL!

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 21:01:42 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1900059"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/f/8/collegehumor.335fee2f74baeab8bfff6cc82ed27660.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:266152">Zach Mueller</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:402"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1900059">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

I guess women in Germany get to carry guns, but only in this special bag."

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 20:58:35 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1900057"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/7/collegehumor.d648760a360e07511351d6678c1f1c1f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:266152">Zach Mueller</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:402"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1900057">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Boobs are so great, even girls sneak a feel of other girl's once in a while.

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 22:05:39 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1898018"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/5/6/collegehumor.2ddcba95fce09d03522b2486658ae7d1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:76752">Cozmo</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:402"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1898018">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Dang, I hate it when my marshmallow catches on fire!

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 11:11:52 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1895822"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/8/collegehumor.a90fb31b60b5350b54f5b7c805157f03.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1809060">Robin DeJager</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:402"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1895822">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Room 219, Cincinnati.

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 21:03:26 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1895277"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/4/collegehumor.63d9185af4119807593e96b41b306fb9.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1808135">cincy</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:402"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1895277">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

That's no ghost...

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 16:51:13 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1892483"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/0/collegehumor.93bbcc8abd51bacaa1799e7053e8a1cf.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1323593">Lupon Trumpernaught</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:402"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1892483">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />