University of Connecticut

Neil Armstrong's Tweets

Decanter Fever

It seems as if every rich white guy in the movies have one thing in common. They always own Whiskey/Scotch Decanters. These lavish booze dispensers tell people one thing, they are better than you because you are relatively poor. They also always...

Regarding the "Jizz in My Pants"

  To the Producers and Artists of "Jizz in My Pants"                            My name is Robert Nimble, and I...

A Message on Drugs from a Guy on Drugs

Hello there College Humor!Mike here! I just wanted to say a few words on the dangers and perils of drug use. Now all you guys are at that age where smoking a little dope or eating some magic mushrooms may seem like a cool and fun thing to do....

Conversations With My 92' Volvo

Me: Hey buddy, ya ready to go for a little drive? The Volve: We'll see...Me: What do you mean we'll see? I need to get to the packy before it closes.The Volve: I meant we'll see... I don't know if I feel like going anywhere right now, it's cold...

Planets Rule

This is an original novel to be I wrote in 4th grade about the planets that I found in my basement. Not one word has been changed.  Jupiter: Jupiter has 16 moons. That is a lot. There is no air and land. Jupiter does not make sense. A year on...

Soundtrack to "A Very Zombie Christmas"

1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus2. It Came Upon A Midnight Clear3. A Child This Day Is Born4. What Child Is This?5. Do You Hear What I Hear?6. Mary Did You Know?7. Up On the House Top8. Here Comes Santa Claus9. Christmas Dinner10. Rudolph The...

Marching Band National Council

Recently a momentous occasion occurred for all those people who associate themselves with a "Band" across this great nation of whatever. One representative from each section of the Marching Band met in Stillwater, Oklahoma to speak of issues,...

American Revolution Text Messaging

A team of researchers recently discovered that Ben Franklin was a much more prolific inventor than we all thought - As well as being a wizard who created kites, he also invented Text Messaging - His phone was found hidden in his coffin...it fell...

China FTL

I have an unhealthy obsession with the Olympics; this is a known fact by virtue of me being aware that I need help. But am I going to get help? No, probably not, I don't have time really, the Olympics are on. You are not even getting my point...

Mo from Guts: Behind the Crag Interview

Recently I sat down with "Mo", the referee from the 90's Nickelodeon TV Show "GUTS" in a segment I like to call, "Behind the Crag" Mo: It feels like it was just yesterday that I was putting 60 seconds on the clock, Mike was pointing at me to read...

Ode To Popcorn

Oh, Popcorn, you have been helping poor college students forever, and for that I commend you. From the time you are planted in the soft fertile soil of Bolivia to the times where butter is added to you within the mines of Peru, to that epic moment...

What Miley Cyrus is Really Trying to Say

Song: See you Again, by Miley Cyrus. I recommend listening to the song while reading this article. It almost makes it like a Rock Opera, except way more creepy. Enjoy.  I've got my sight set on you, and I'm ready to wait = I've been watching...

Realistic Away Message

Here is my attempt an away message taken a bit farther than needed. "Gone" would have been fine.

If a Freshman's Stomach could Talk

1 Month before Freshman Year:                Hey, I heard you got into college, mad props on that one! The Twinkie you ate a week ago and I are rooting for you. Now, I know...

I. Love. Coffee.

I woke up around 11:45am today, jumped in the shower, washed the last days filth and failure off, got out and was ready for the day. But not quite. One more thing had to happen for me to be even close to throwing myself into this ever changing...

Stoner Revelations

I carry around a piece of paper and a pencil whenever I get high so that I can remember everything I say. Here are a few memorable ones.1. Dude, have you ever thought that calculus is just like weed? Seriously? Being high is like the derivative of...

Steven Seagal is a Pretentious Douchebag

        A few days ago I had the "pleasure" of trying Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drink. For those of you who were not aware, and I was one of them, Steven Seagal does in fact have his own energy drink, manufactured by Seagal...

Elementary Days

Kindergarten:  The days when you were graded on a scale of 1-6.  Shitting your pants on a regular basis and soaking in your feces all day was normal.  There was nothing you could do about it because your mom still wiped your ass....

When you black out at 9, you turn into 'that guy' for the night

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