Tim: Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of "Tim and Patricia at the Movies." I'm Tim Hutchinson.

Patricia: And I'm Patricia Sunderland.

Tim: Our first movie we'll be reviewing today is Hungry Hungry Hippos, the remake of the popular game by Milton Bradley, starring Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston, directed by Michael Bay. In it, a couple of tourists on Safari, played by Pitt and Anniston, stumble upon a giant plain where hippos are fighting over the quickly diminishing supply of food.

Patricia: First off, let me say how disappointed I was in the film's deviation from the original storyline. For anyone who's played the game, you know it's a complicated story of survival, economics, and of course the theological issue of free will. But in the movie, I just felt that there was way too much emphasis on the actual food-grabbing, and not enough on the emotional plight of the hippos. Granted, the special effects were fantastic, I just think that they traded eye candy for what could have been the potential tear-jerker of the year. On our rating scale of garbage to gold bar, I give Hungry Hungry Hippos a stinky banana.

Tim: I couldn't agree more, Patricia. I was sad to see Michael Bay go the direction of thoughtless action movie here, when we've seen him deal with such heartwarming stories of the struggle of the human spirit, like The Island or Transformers.

Patricia: Agreed. And what about the forced romance between the two tourists on safari? The movie is supposed to be about the hippos, isn't it? How did Pitt and Anniston even get more than two lines?

Tim: A cheap trick by the movie execs to get the bright-eyed teenagers in the seats. And don't even get me started on picking Pitt and Anniston amidst the whole Angelina Jolie fiasco. Just disgusting. The whole movie was like an ad from The National Inquirer. I give Hungry Hungry Hippos a maggot-covered crab apple.

Patricia: Ooh, harsh. Well, our next film is Got Milk?, an adaptation of the popular milk ads from the late 90's. I have to say, Tim, I think we may have found a winner here.

Tim: A winner indeed, Patricia. I never thought that two hours of constantly changing celebrity cameos with milk moustaches breaking the fourth wall and smiling would be so damn entertaining. But you know what? I was on the edge of my seat the whole time.

Patricia: And wanting a glass of milk, I'm sure.

Tim: Au contraire: I thought ahead and brought my Thermos with me, packed full of 2%.

Patricia: You sly devil!

Tim: I know, right?

Patricia: And how about the sex scene?

Tim: Oh, my! Tim Allen and Dakota Fanning? Who would have thought? Such creativity. Despite my low expectations, I give Got Milk? a sturdy chair.

Patricia: And as for myself, I give it a napping baby.

Tim: Well done. Our last film for today's show is The New York Times, January 13th, 2005. You know, Patricia, when I first heard the title of the film, I was a bit confused.

Patricia: I was too, Tim. But apparently, every book in the entire history of the world has already been adapted into a movie, so the obvious next step is to try to adapt an entire newspaper into one. I was intrigued.

Tim: I was at first, too, but it turned out to be too ambitious. They literally took every story from the day's paper and dramatized it. There were easily fifty story lines. It was an impossible film to follow.

Patricia: Ah, but that's just why it was genius! For too long, we've watched and read stories that are unified and have a "theme." Here, they took the old fashioned art of storytelling and threw it out the window!

Tim: I maybe would have liked it if the film had stuck to just the "World" section. But it literally did everything. Nation, local, editorial-

Patricia: Complete coverage!

Tim: Sports, Real Estate-

Patricia: Diversity!

Tim: Didn't you find it disconcerting when they reviewed movies? I mean, you're watching a film that's reviewing other films...

Patricia: Circles within circles! Postmodernism at its best!

Tim: And the worst part of it was that the day itself was pretty boring. Nothing of real importance happened. They spent thirteen minutes on the cat in Brooklyn that juggles mice.

Patricia: That was pretty amazing, actually.

Tim: And with the running time of the film clocking in at just over five hours, I just couldn't give it a good rating.

Patricia: Gone With the Wind was four hours long, and that's one of your favorite films.

Tim: Gone with the Wind didn't spend three minutes blasting the new low prices of Projection TVs. For one, those prices are over three years old, and I don't even think they make projection TVs anymore. Hell, half the movie was advertising.

Patricia: Well, you can't put history in a box.

Tim: I don't know what that means. But I'm going to have to give The New York Times, January 13th, 2005 a mediocre rating of a dry orange.

Patricia: Well, this is America, and I'm going to have to disagree with you. I'm going to give it an almost perfect rating of a non-fat milkshake.

Tim: Fair enough. Well, that's about all the time we have for today. Next time we'll be reviewing Girls Gone Wild: The Movie, The Diary of Anne Frank 2: The Reckoning, and the documentary that's literally sweeping the nation: The History of the Broom.

Patricia: Until then...

Both: Be moved by the movies!

Fade out.

Feel free to add any of your own to this list in the comments and i'll re-post a big list of everyone elses in a week.

Things that Shouldn't Make Me Laugh but that I Laugh at Anyway -

David Schwimmer
Dog attacks
When girls put "Kissing" in their About Me's on Facebook
Women's Basketball
Wheelchairs
Family Circus, the cartoon
Ducks
Cocaine
The end of Million Dollar Baby
Vegans
War Protests
When people are really into Death Cab for Cutie
Anti-Crystal Meth commercials
Drunk people singing Journey
When someone is really really serious about the song they are singing at a Karaoke bar
Hunting shows on OLN
Any sort of erection including my own
Blink 182
If someone loves Chuck Palahniuk
Hot Hot Heat
Poetry readings at an open mic night
The movie Stepmom
When people get worked up and argue politics 
When drunk indie kids talk about music
Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs

Why do I let myself daydream? In my head, my life is adventurous: I am a dashing prince upon a majestic horse, with a much deeper voice, striving valiantly to save the damsel. And I also don't have to pluck my eyebrows.

But in reality, when I try to make my dreams come true, things go differently. I'll show you what I mean. Here's a scene from the inside of my head:

Paul is waiting in line for a burrito, and a beautiful girl gets in line behind him. Paul turns around to talk to her.

Paul: Can you believe this line?

Girl: I know, seriously. It's like, I have places to be, please.

Paul: Ha, me too. Maybe they'll open a new line for people who are busy.

Girl: (winking slightly) Yeah, but then you'd still be in front of me, and I'd still be late.

Paul: Well, I'd think about letting you go in front of me.

Girl: Oh you would, would you?

Paul: (smiling coyly) Maybe. If you were good.

Girl: (getting closer) And what would I need to do to be... good? (strong sexual voice on 'good')

Paul: Well you could start with giving me your phone number.

Girl: (taking a small piece of paper from her cleavage, and a pen from Paul's pocket) Okay. (writes down the number, and stuffs it down the front of pants) But this better be just the start...

And so on and so forth. But here's what actually takes place when I try to make that happen.