CollegeHumor: University of Iowa Stuff

Why moms shouldn't have facebook.

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 20:43:49 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1927691"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/0/collegehumor.c63f7fe8519f00c397c9b0b053cc800c.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1390413">Brad Zelnio</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1127"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1927691">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Best Clockwork Orange costume u'll find

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 21:18:25 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1926464"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/f/0/collegehumor.bd2717af80220ad23f5370c0eddec3e6.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:481789">benjamin jensen</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1127"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1926464">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Free Money from the Government!

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 20:06:21 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1925281"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/b/collegehumor.15060aae87ff362cc081334b560be25b.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:76070">Chris</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1127"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1925281">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Keep Rollin Rollin Rollin Rollin

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 20:03:07 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1925275"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/f/collegehumor.f414f590515f55166770c29f5fca63f4.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:76070">Chris</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1127"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1925275">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Beer Pong Table

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 15:02:58 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1922161"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/9/collegehumor.6068168479ade2ff5704e3d988a70f3d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1632192">Andy Goodell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1127"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

'that girl' at the iowa football game. go hawks.

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 19:25:28 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1921250"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/1/collegehumor.5baf2c7d9b6c44e5e7396261a1cdf6df.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2168660">Sean P</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1127"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1921250">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

A post-production meeting for Roman Polanski's 'The Pianist'

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 17:00:28 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Polanski: Good morning, gentlemen. What did you think of the film?
Studio Executive 1: For the most part, we thought it was amazing, but we are a little concerned about the direction you took the ending...
Polanski: How so?
Studio Executive 2: Well it was all good until the rape scene at the end.
Studio Executive 1: We thought it was a little tacked-on and frankly, quite disturbing.
Studio Executive 2: I'm fairly sure that wasn't anywhere in the script.
Polanski: I see, I thought I was going to be given free artistic license on this film, but I guess I was lied to.
Studio Executive 1: First of all, it doesn't really even make sense. I'm pretty sure quaaludes weren't even invented until the 50s.
Polanski: Um... I can change it to morphine or something, I'll work it out.
Studio Executive 1: We're just not sure the average viewer will have sympathy for a character who rapes a 13-year-old girl.
Polanski: But... but he was a Holocaust survivor, they have to have sympathy for him! What are these viewers? Nazis?!
Studio Executive 2: That's not really how sympathy works, Mr. Polanski.
Polanski: Okay, what if his wife is killed by the Manson family? Will they have sympathy then?
Studio Executive 1: Um...
Polanski: Okay, nevermind.
Studio Executive 2: We're going to cut the scene.
Polanski: No! You can't do that! People must see that rape isn't always bad!
Studio Executive 1: No. No, they don't.
Studio Executive 2: In fact, the exact opposite is true.
Polanski: You can't cut it, I won't allow you to release any of my work unless that scene is included.
Studio Executive 1: We'll tell the Police where you are if you don't let us cut it.
Polanski: F*CK!
Studio Executive 2: So we've reached an agreement.
(Studio Executives leave)
Polanski: Why does this happen with every film? No one understands my genius!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:565851"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/b/collegehumor.6373d99cdef768d5a492fa8b017600f7.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:565851">Goroman</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1127"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

2 Guys 8 Cups...well almost

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 14:13:31 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1919035"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/default/collegehumor.jester.31.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2095543">Clint Hansen</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1127"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1919035">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

2 Guys 8 Cups...well almost

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 14:12:35 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1919034"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/default/collegehumor.jester.31.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2095543">Clint Hansen</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1127"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1919034">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

2 Guys 8 Cups...well almost

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 14:11:39 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1919033"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/default/collegehumor.jester.31.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2095543">Clint Hansen</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1127"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1919033">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Morning After More To Love, Episode 3

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 14:49:15 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> This episode starts off with all the girls discussing Luke's body. They eventually end up trying to guess how many fat rolls he has like one of those "guess how many jelly-beans are in the jar" competitions where, if you win, you get all the jelly-beans. It was some stiff competition. Then Kristian starts talking about how she wants t pour barbeque sauce on him and eat him (why do the make it so easy?!). The impressive thing about this is that she says it all while chugging a bottle of maple syrup.

She also goes on to talk about how a man she's known for roughly 3 days is the most perfect person ever and will kill a bitch to get him if she has to. She then goes on to show off her encyclopedic knowledge of everything Luke except maybe his parents' mailing address. Way to challenge that "crazy fat girl" stereotype, Kristian. We're really breaking some barriers here.

She's getting ready to do what all fat girls do best on Prom night

Then Luke comes down and gives them a speech about how he has so much in common with them because he was left out of everything in high school because of his weight (besides football and pretty much everything else except going to the pool without a shirt on). Anyway he tells them he wants to take them all to Prom. Good thing they have those reinforced limos. This is going to be so much better than their first Proms because now they know there will be at least one guy that might want to dance with them.

Whoops, how did my copy of Big Beautiful Lesbos #9 get here?

They all try on dresses and say a bunch of annoying things, then they go get their hair and make-up done and say a bunch more annoying things about how their first proms weren't so great. Listening to girls talk about Prom is pretty much like listening to guys talk about their fantasy sports teams.

So Kristian starts saying something about how she drafted Tom Brady with the first pick last year and all the other girls showed her the proper sympathy. Lauren says something about her kicker getting injured and blames it on her weight. Nobody really cares.

Sorry, I thought it was an orange popsicle

At this point, you may be thinking "WHERE IS MELISSA AND WHY IS SHE NOT CRYING?!" Don't worry, I am too. I'm pretty sure they just decided to cut the show into 1/2 without Melissa and 1/2 of her crying. I am looking forward to a straight half hour block of watching that bitch bawl.

So anyway they all help each other put on dresses and talk about how much they love Luke and how accepting (read: desperate) he is. Then they all go down and where Luke is waiting and he talks about how beautiful they all are. In his defense he may have just been talking about Tali, because she actually looked pretty good. She better go home tonight. This show is no place for sex appeal.

WHEW!

And here come the waterworks. Wait, is Melissa wearing the same clothes she was crying in last episode? I smell some editing shenanigans, either way, keep those tears a-flowin!

Oh good, my shipment of dairy cattle has finally arrived

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, their limo is literally a fucking semi!

Anyway they get to prom, and just like every prom, it's boring as hell. Everybody talks about fantasy football for a while, while some band with a bunch of skinny (WTF!?) bitches plays. The only interesting thing was Melissa actually gets through a dance and an interview without breaking down in tears. Good for her, I guess.

The three douchekateers

Then the host lady comes on and surprises Luke by bringing two of (read: only) his friends from college in to make the night sufficiently awkward. Then she announces that there will be a competition for Prom Queen, picked by his friends, to make the night more than sufficiently awkward. The winner gets an alone date with Luke.

So the friends start getting to know the ladies whether they like it or not. The white one with the goatee seems like a complete tool and the black one doesn't really talk much. Which really surprises me from a black man surrounded by fat white women. Breaking down barriers, breaking down barriers.

Anyway, Danielle bores them for a long time, then the rest of them bore them for a while. In the end the end up picking Danielle because either they're morons or they really just don't care. I'm guessing the latter. Everybody including Luke, is shocked because nobody, including Luke, likes Danielle. At all. She is later asked what her dream date would be. She responds "something active." Obviously she hasn't been on too many dream dates then.

Anyway, they end up leaving for the date and Danielle talks about how she's so glad she can finally talk about "boy stuff" without all the other girls around. Yeah, boy stuff, like... dancing, and daddy issues, that kind of stuff. They go to dinner and Luke finds out that she doesn't like seafood. He is disappointed by this, but I'm pretty sure most guys would count this as a plus... youknowhatImean?

Meanwhile, back at the house, they are all talking about Danielle and Luke and Kristian starts talking about strangling people. You know, the usual.

OMNOMNOMNOM

Back at the restaraunt, they apparently skipped straight to dessert because Danielle doesn't really eat entrees. She starts stuffing her face with a chocolate covered banana and talking with her mouth full for the rest of the date. At least she was being active.

At this point, Luke has pretty much made up his mind about how much he hates Danielle and you can see it in his face the whole date. She goes on to say how amazing their date was and how Luke gave her the perfect "second date" and how they have "endless possibilities." I can't wait to see the look on her face when she gets dumped. Priceless.

The next day, Heather gets a note from Luke (somebody's got a boyfriend! Oooooooh!) saying he wants an alone date with her since she barfed everywhere on the first group date. Hard to argue with that logic. They end up going to a ranch and riding horses. Poor horses. Heather laments not wearing her sports bra and Luke responds that he has his on. It's called a Mansiere, Luke, MANSIERE!

Meanwhile, back at the house, Kristian talks about choking people again. Then she tries to make Melissa cry and fails. What is happening to the Melissa I've grown to love making fun of?!

On the date, Heather talks about her greatest gift, her singing. I don't know if she sang, or if it was good, because the sound went out on my computer halfway through the episode so I had to watch with closed captions the rest of the time. But I'm assuming she's a good singer because it's a scientific fact that all fat/ugly people can sing, I mean, look at Susan Boyle, or Meatloaf.

They get back to the house for the mixer and Luke talks about what a hard decision he has to make. I'm assuming it's because he wants to get rid of all of them and have them replaced with hot chicks. Sorry, I don't think that's an option, buddy (or is it?!).

This is what happens when you show any interest in a fat girl. They go crazy.

So they all mix and Danielle sits in the corner and drinks like every other former Prom Queen in her late 20s does. Bonnie gives him a creepy drawing that he has to get from out of her cleavage. I'm pretty sure he immediately burnt it and went and washed his hands with bleach. Kristian talks about wanting to get to know him better, you know like his Social Security Number, credit cards, mother's maiden name. Then they make out a little bit and in the interview she goes crazy and starts crying about how scared she is that he's going to reject him.

Elimination time: He wait until the very last ring to pick Kristian, because watching a crazy fat girl go crazy is just good television. 4 girls go home: Christina, Bonnie, Amanda, and Danielle. No real surprises here, the three girls that really weren't even in the episode and Danielle. Amanda did throw a parting shot, saying "I don't know what he could see in Mel. B. I've never lost a guy to a girl bigger than me..." Oooooooh! COWFIGHT.

Here are some final thoughts:

I think Heather is actually starting to grow on me... I'm actually starting to like her a little bit too. Maybe I'm just going soft or it's because she's from Iowa, but she actually seems like a sweet girl. I don't like this at all. Please get her off the show.
Kristian is legit crazy. Please keep her on the show.
The frontrunners are currently Heather and Lauren. I think he's keeping Kristian around out of pity, and also for the entertainment value.

Stay tuned next week when the limo is actually a freight train!

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The Morning After More To Love, Episode 2

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 23:49:25 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> One of the things I hate most about most reality dating shows like The Bachelor/ette, Joe Millionaire, Average Joe, etc., is that the contestants all invariably "fall deeply in love" with the person they're competing for. This is nearly always contrived and done solely for the purpose of winning the competition. The thing I love about More To Love is that I'm pretty sure when these girls say that they're in love with Luke, they're not lying. None of these girls have ever been shown any attention (and probably shouldn't), so they're bound to fall in love (read: become crazily obsessed) with the first man who shows them the least bit of affection. Luckily for us, there are cameras watching this phenomenon unfold , and Luke slowly becoming scared for his life.

The episode starts out by showing the girls getting ready to eat and getting interrupted by the host. The girls are visibly upset. The host announces that they get to go on their first dates with Luke today. They must split up into two group dates.

The way they decide who gets to go on which date is to assign two girls captains (Anna and Malissa) and have them pick teams, like picking elementary school kickball teams (or for these girls, elementary school pie-eating teams). This is genius. There's nothing these girls need more than another blow to the self-esteem like getting picked last for an eating competition. Melissa makes this obvious in her interview by saying that "this is the moment that I'm going to realize that no one likes me" and starts crying. Christina talks about how when she was young nobody wanted to pick her for Red Rover, which makes no sense because you would want the fattest person on your team for Red Rover. She also says that "being overlooked because of your weight... makes you feel like less of a person" which also makes no sense. Then Mellisa starts crying for some reason.

So the two captains pick their teams and since there's an odd number, one is left out. This girl is Christina and it's revealed that none of the other girls like her because she's not fat enough or something. Anyway, the host then tells them that because Christina was picked last, she gets a one-on-one date with Luke

Lauren is visibly upset, get used to this face

(what a tweest!). Now there is roughly 3000 lbs of angry woman to be dealt with. This is going to be entertaining.

Who wouldn't want to get inside of THIS!?

Then they all go to get ready for their dates and Danielle once again talks about wanting someone to "look inside her." Jesus woman, ease up with that talk, I'm pretty sure nobody wants to see 200 lbs. of Crisco.

Kristian says that she thinks Luke is the "bee's knees" revealing that she is not only fat, but also from the 1920s. How is this woman single?! Heather has apparently never dated a guy bigger than her (suprise surprise) and she had butterflies in her stomach... and also that she was nervous. They must have been chocolate butterflies or something.

So the first group gets into the limo wondering where they're going and Luke tells them that it's a surprise, leading one girl (I'm not sure which one, but I'm guessing she was fat) to ask "WHERE ARE YOU TAKING US?!" as the limo pulls away. This proves that fat women are just like all women: annoying and stupid. HE SAID IT WAS A SUPRISE, BITCH!

So they get to a yacht and Luke takes them on board. Kristian says she would have been happy on a rowboat, but I doubt that the rowboat would have reciprocated those feelings. The first thing that happens is that

Too many chocolate butterflies

Heather gets sick and vomits into the water (she may want to consider doing that more...).

Then Luke kisses Malissa or something blah blah blah. Then they eat. In what may be the most unnecessary statement of all time, Luke tells them "Don't be bashful, dig in!" Malissa says something catty, then it's revealed that Kristian hates her because she wasn't fat growing up, and gained all her weight after high school. She's worse than a Colts fan who didn't start liking them until after they won the Super Bowl.

The Luke talks to Kristian and says some generic, I-wanna-get-in-your-size-20-pants stuff and she talks about how he's the perfect guy for her and she's basically in love with him. It begins.

Then he goes and talks to Heather and she says he's so sweet because he called her "precious" and apparently nobody has ever called her "precious." Apparently she's never dated Gollum before. Then she cries... two times, in different clothes.

So it's clear now, out of this date, the two front-runners are Heather and Kristian, mainly because they're the most unstable, and that makes for great television.

We go back to the house and the girls all gather around to read a note from Luke. It's to Christina.

Visibly upset fat girl is visibly upset

The other women are visibly upset. Lauren tells Christina not to blow it and when she responds, Lauren's all like "that's what the 5 girls that went home said." "Oh no she di'int!"

Anyway, Christina leaves for her date and Luke starts talking about how "banging" her body is. I left to vomit for the next ten minutes so I'm not too clear on what happened. I assume they talked about how much they liked each other and all that boring shit. Oh yeah, I guess they went to Vegas or something.

Meanwhile, back at the Ranch,

the girls sit by the pool and talk about how much they love Luke. The only girl who is actually in the pool is the old stripper, probably because they don't want it to overflow or anything. Kristian's crazy obsession with Luke is wearing thin (no pun intended?) on the other contestants.

Back in Vegas, Christina talks about her ex-boyfriend (again with the great first date conversation!) and how he cheated on her because she was fat. What Luke doesn't know is that her "boyfriend" was actually just some dude who once sat next to her once in High School. They go back to his suite and they kiss and Christina stakes her claim to him being her "boyfriend" now. I don't know if she can out-crazy Kristian, but she it's gonna be fun to watch.

So they go back and it's time for the second group's first date. They're told to get their bathing suits(!!!!) and get into the reinforced limo outside. Obviously the swimsuit thing makes them a bit nervous and Melissa says she "just has to not cry." Yeah, good luck with that.

Then Melissa starts to cry.

Then they go to his pool and he makes them drinks and Melissa starts to cry again. She talks about how being in a bathing suit for the first time in front of a

This is her "trying hard not to cry"

guy she likes makes her "not know whether to cry or laugh." I'm pretty sure we all know the answer to that one.

Anyway they all get in their swimsuits and get in the pool and again I had to leave for a vomit break. I can only assume that the all the water overflowed and the pool broke apart forcing a tragic end to the date.

Back at the Ranch, the girls decide to leave Luke notes in his house. They are warned that this will make them look creepy, but when has that ever stopped any fat girl before?

So we go back to the pool and Arriane looks out of place because she actually looks like she belongs in a pool. The irony is lost somewhere in Melissa's fat rolls. So Luke takes Melissa for some alone time and somehow she gets through it without crying(!!!).

Then he talks to Lauren and she tells him how much she loves everything that he loves, I'm pretty sure she doesn't know what those things are, but she loves them, especially since she knows one of them is food.

After this date Luke goes back to the mansion and talks to some of the girls to figure out which ones are fat enough for him. He learns that Bonnie is a 50s housewife, Kristian is crazy, Heather is insecure, and Lauren is a gossip. Lauren tells him about how Arianne doesn't want kids and how she's old enough to be his mom. Since Arianne is 37, either Lauren doesn't know how to do math or doesn't think very highly of 11 year olds. Luke doesn't seem amused or really care what Lauren has to say about anything. Smart man.

Then Melissa cries again.

Elimination time! Three girls go home. These girls are Arianne, Maglia, and Vanessa. This doesn't surprise anyone because Arianne was too skinny and we never even saw any of the other two in this episode. Stay tuned next week, when they go to Prom and Melissa cries some more!

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The Morning After More To Love, Episode 1

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 12:47:01 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Sometime in 2007, Fox executives were watching Kid Nation and one of them said, "Hmmm, what do people like making fun of more than children? I got it! FAT PEOPLE!" And because it took 2 years for them to fatten up their contestants, in 2009, More To Love was born. Of course this isn't the reason they say they started this show. One of the women in the intro says "It's time to show America that plus-sized women can do it too." By 'it', she obviously means 'be emotionally unstable, conniving bitches on national television.' And man oh man, are they successful. And hilarious.

The first episode starts off with a little montage talking about how fat people are beautiful too or some bullshit, you can fast forward through that. Eventually we meet Luke, occupation: fat guy. He actually doesn't look that fat, until they show him with his shirt off and it is revealed that he has more rolls than Ford's line of SUVs (get it?!). He reveals that he doesn't care what a woman looks like, it's more about "how they carry themselves and who they are as a person." I think he's going to be disappointed because I'm pretty sure fat girls can't carry themselves, or anything else that isn't a box of doughnuts.

Anyway, it's obvious by the time they introduce the host that Luke is in on the whole premise of the show, which is very uncharacteristic of Fox. It actually would have been so much more entertaining if they would have told him that they were going to be normal, hot, reality show contestants, and instead he gets these obese trolls. The look on his face would have been priceless. But they didn't, oh well, we can't change the past, let's look towards the more recent past now. Then they start introducing all the girls, they walk out of the limo (I'm pretty sure most of their budget went into reinforcing the limo's suspension), go meet Luke, where he somehow manages to refrain from vomiting and tell them how beauAHHAHAHAHA, I'm sorry, beautiful they are. So here's the breakdown of the 20 contestants:

Malissa: Actually has a somewhat skinny face, and has giant boobs, unfortunately everything else is giant too. She never thought of herself as being "fat" but rather "big-boned" and "curvier women are attractive, who wants to look at a stick?" As you can see, Malissa is the most original fat girl on the face of the Earth.

Christina: Typical DUFF.

Heather: She is the first of the fatties to start crying in her little introduction interview (SPOILER ALERT: get used to it), and "has never been in love." This must be because she's fat and not because she's emotionally unstable and clingy.

Bonnie: Looks like the typical Goth fat chick, but apparently is the "chubby fashionless girl who bakes cookies with her mom." Much... better? She also talks about wanting to stay in the kitchen all the time. While it's good that she knows her place, I have my doubts about her motives.

Amanda: Fat, boring and awkward. She's the triple threat!

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Michelle: First of all, I'm pretty sure this is a fat man who got a sex change and didn't even bother to get implants. Second, her interview consists of her crying and talking about how much she loves the way she is. Because we all know the #1 sign of great self-esteem, is crying whenever you talk about yourself.

Anna: Plus-sized model. Not actually that fat. She won't last long on this show.

Natasha: She is a rocket scientist (although she's definitely no brain surgeon). She feels it necessary to lead with this fact because it is the ONLY INTERESTING FACT ABOUT HER.

Lauren: Another DUFF.

Vanessa: "I stand out because I'm confident, I'm big, I'm tall, and I'm all real." Nobody likes a confident fatty, Vanessa. Start crying like the rest of them, you fat whore!

Mellisa (with an E): She cries in her interview because she's "awesome." Uh huh.

Danielle: Has only been on 3 dates in her entire life, which beats most of these girls by roughly 3 dates. She also comes up with perhaps the most original rationalization for being fat I've ever heard: "I feel like if I keep weight on, somebody's gonna love me for me, instead of how I look." Nice, Danielle, that's really thinking with your gut!

FAIL

Mandy: Fitness Instructer. BWAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHHA!

Tali: "I've never been in a position where I've judged a person just by the way they look." I can name a lot more positions you've probably never been in, Tali.

Kristian: "Guys are afraid to date a bigger girl..." no they're just afraid to date you. Mainly because you're fat, but also because you're nuts.

Arianne: Not actually that fat. 37 year-old stripper. She must go.

Sandy: From Iowa, she wants to show Luke "how to milk a cow sometime." Now excuse me while I go vomit from laughter.

Shari: BORING.

Magali: BORING.

Natalia: Another cryer, but she doesn't pretend to love herself, she just doesn't "want to be alone for the rest of her life. It's scary."

Then they all get together for a while to talk about being fat and eating ice cream. Then Luke comes in and tells them that they're all "gorgeous on the outside." I'm pretty sure you got that backwards, buddy, or actually just completely wrong. It's clear that none of these girls are gorgeous on any sides. Then he gives them all diamond rings to promise that they'll always be fat or something. Finally some goals they can achieve.

Danielle then talks about how she wants Luke to "get to know her from the inside" and "look inside her." Easy there, Tiger, this is still the first episode. Another girl says "I do" when Luke puts the ring on her. That doesn't look desperate at all.

Then Mellisa cries some more (get used to it) and one girl asks another "If you make it to the end of this and he proposes, will you say yes" "OF COURSE!" At least we know these fat girls aren't afraid of commitment.

Then Kristian talks to Luke about her ex and how he was embarrassed by her weight (definitely good first date conversation there, Kristian). Luke tells her "Well then he really didn't deserve you then." No he didn't Luke, no he didn't.

Then he talks to the women about food for a while, I can tell this will be a popular topic of conversation. Then Anna kisses him on the lips and it's revealed that Lauren is a jealous bitch who is going to play a large role in this reality show whether Luke likes it or not. Then Bonnie says something about food, because the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, unfortunately with this man, it's a very long way. Then somebody else says something about food.

Mellisa reveals to Luke that she's never been on a date because she's always afraid it's gonna be a joke. Oh shit, she's onto us!

Then Danielle jumps into the pool because if it's one thing guys love, it's a fat attention whore. She tells Luke to jump in because the water is lukewarm (GET IT?!). Then Bonnie quips "you know what I bet you wish you had in there? A SWIMSUIT" OHHH SNAP. But it doesn't end there, she later tells one of the other girls that "She looked like an otter"... wait, what? Otters are cute. Then Danielle, realizing her ploy for Luke's attention didn't work, tells some other girls that she "must look like a beached whale." No you don't! That doesn't look like a beach at all!

Anyway the girls all end up getting drunk and being fat and boring. Then they have the elimination ceremony and 5 of them get sent home. This must be a huge self-esteem blow to them. Getting sent home from this show is like getting kicked out of Special Olympics for being too retarded. Anyway these 5 poor souls are Natalia, Shari, Sandy, Natasha and Michelle.

Coming soon: Episode 2: The one where they eat a bunch of food and cry some more!

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"3-way sex led to 2 stabbings"

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 13:52:26 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1916032"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/6/collegehumor.b9cd030990c4428b15a94a7610b4333a.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:565851">Goroman</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1127"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

My Rejected Attempts at Historical Internet Articles

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 17:00:00 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Ever since Chuck Norris invented the internet in 2003, one of the most successful formulas for comedic internet articles has been Popular social media website + history/The Bible = hilarity. Unfortunately I've never been able to get it quite right...

Challenger's Twitter

Missed Connections from 1929

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:565851"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/b/collegehumor.6373d99cdef768d5a492fa8b017600f7.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-06-23 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:565851">Goroman</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1127"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 36 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

icanhasdoublethink.com

Tue, 19 May 2009 17:00:00 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> 1984 as told by the internet's most obnoxious felines

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:565851"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/b/collegehumor.6373d99cdef768d5a492fa8b017600f7.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-05-19 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:565851">Goroman</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1127"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 70 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Very Enticing...what little kid could resist?

Sun, 19 Apr 2009 23:35:20 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1908213"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/c/collegehumor.74d214601fb20057df14ba5c467aedd1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1202087">Poison</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1127"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Morning After - American Idol - Final 9 Results Show

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 23:01:11 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Let me start off by saying that I don't think I've ever watched an American Idol results show in its entirety, so this was a whole new experience for me. I thought it would be boring as hell, which it was. But it did contain some very very entertaining awkward moments that I found hilarious. I'll get into that later. But first I'll do a quick overview of the show:

The show started out with the Final 9 doing the most overplayed song in America which I didn't watch because I was making mashed potatoes, but from what it sounded like it may have been that commercial for FOX's "Glee" coming this Fall (or Spring, I can't remember)! Anyway there was that, then there was some music video thing or Ryan talked to the judges, I can't really remember (mashed potatoes take longer than I thought). Anyway that was boring. Moving on...

Ryan strategically divided the nine contestants into three groups, which coincidentally worked out to three groups of three punctuating each group with a commercial break. The must have planned it that way or something. Anyway the groups went like this:

Group 1
Guy who sang "Ain't No Sunshine", Hot Blonde, some dude nobody cares about

Group 2
Adam Lambert, Lil Rounds, and Pink-haired girl

Group 3
Indian Dude, Blind Dude, Guy with Glasses

Then he made them stand there in their meaningless groups through two commercial breaks and one performance by some guy that apparently won last year's. Then one person from every group was sent to the bottom three, which was obvious, but that didn't stop Seacrest from building the suspense with Lambert after he sent Pinky to the chair. Anyway, the bottom three were Hot Blonde, Pinky, and Indian Dude. Although not surprising, it did confirm my obvious hypothesis that the majority of AI voters are females or gay males by putting the two hottest girls and the ugliest guy in the bottom three.

Think of this, but less masculine and more wrapping paper

Then somebody named Lady Gaga sang some crappy song dressed in what looked like robotic wrapping paper while playing a piano filled with pink bubbles. Then a dancer removed the wrapping paper when she got up and left the piano because you're only allowed to wear something that ridiculous while playing a pink bubble piano.

Then Hot Blonde got kicked off. The judges refused to use the judges' save on her because she said she "didn't care" about what Simon said last night (Oh snap!). Although I would have liked to see them use it because then there would have been a chance that my prediction about the Indian Dude might have come true. Anyway she sung her last song which was an even worse version of "Turn Your Lights Down Low" and then there was a montage and everybody cried.

So now we're left with 8 finalists and it's pretty much a giant sausage party because the only two females are either underage or only slightly more attractive than Queen Latifah. I really picked a bad season to start watching this shit.

Anyway, this episode had three hilarious awkward moments that really stuck out to me and almost made it watchable. I will recount them from least hilarious to most hilarious:

Awkard moment 1: Seacrest telling that one dude to take a seat even though he was safe. It was really funny because the I think the crowd was cheering while he walked to the bottom three chairs which must have been awful for his self-esteem. Anyway somebody grabbed him and made some lame April Fool's excuse, but we all know Seacrest screwed the pooch on this one.

Awkward moment 2: Paula standing up and dancing during Blondie's swan song (which is a completely un-dancable song). The greatest part was when she got lost in the middle of the song, which basically has like two fucking lines. But it's still sad to see her go because she's hot, here's hoping she gets a record deal or at least a Playboy deal in the future

Awkward moment 3: Pretty much any moment with Blind Guy is a hilarious awkward moment, but seeing him reach his arm out for Indian Dude while he was being directed towards the couch was like watching a scene from Brokeback Mountain meets Slumdog Millionaire meets Scent of Woman. They may have been torn apart but their gay-blind-interracial love will live forever.
"I wish I knew how to quit you!"

Anyway these three moments were almost enough to make me keep watching this show another week, so stay tuned for next week, when there's one less contestant for me to forget.

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The Morning After - American Idol - Final 9 or Something

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 23:41:31 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> I just started watching American Idol these last few weeks since by now the show is so irrelevant that I'm interested in it because other people aren't. Anyway, I noticed that there wasn't a TMA (or I just couldn't find it), so I decided to write one. This was roughly the 6th time I've ever watched the show in the past 10 years so bear with me.

This week everybody was shaken up (not really) about whoever got kicked off last week. And tensions flared (not really) as we get to the final 9, which is the most important stage because there are only 3 more odd-numbered episodes left. This week's theme actually wasn't a theme at all. They got to sing any song they want as long as it was a "popular download on iTunes" (Yay synergy!). Next week's theme will be songs featured in Coca-Cola commercials. Predictably, most of the contestants picked incredibly boring songs because America loves boring songs.

The show started off with the Indian Dude singing some Usher song. He sucked. Moving on...

Next up was the blonde chick singing a great song: Bob Marley and Lauryn Hill's "Turn Your Lights Down Low". Which was really a shame because she butchered it in an incredibly awkward faux-British, retarded Lily Allen-esque singing voice. But hey, she looked kind of hot so she'll probably stay on for a few more weeks.

Then came Danny Gokey (more like Danny Dorkey! AMIRITE!?) singing Rascal Flatts' "What Hurts The Most" and believe me what hurt the most was listening to this four-eyed douche sing some crappy country song. Not really, it was decent.

Anyway then came the 16-year-old, pink-haired girl singing No Doubt's "Don't Speak" which was a great song choice for her since "she grew up a few miles away from where No Doubt formed" (LA? What are the odds!?) and she had "grown up listening to No Doubt", like, 3 years ago. She did a pretty good job and looked adorable doing it in her retarded outfit and hair.

It's actually more terrifying without the machete

Then the Blind Guy sang some Billy Joel song. His singing performance was only matched by his awkward creepiness onstage while being interviewed by Seacrest, especially when Paula mentioned that he was the one she was most proud of and assured everyone that it wasn't because of his "impairment" (sure, Paula). Everybody knows if you want to make it as a blind musician you have to be black, which for all he knows, he could be.

Lil Rounds, who already has won the award for name most fit for a rapper/stripper, sang Celene Dion's "I Surrender" wearing a dress that accentuated her not-so-lil rounds. She did a good job, but the judges ripped her for bad song choice, which apparently has been her problem the past few weeks or something. Female Judge Who's Not Paula suggested that she should've gone with a Mariah Carey song, or something else that showed off her vocal range and wasn't by a French-Canadian. Then to add injury to insult, Seacrest decided to traumatize Lil's adorable daughters by sticking a mic in the oldest one's face, trying to incite a fight between her and Randy Jackson (as if we don't have enough black on black crime in America). Then he picked up the little one and threw her at Randy.

Then some guy that looked vaguely like Justin Timberlake but uglier sang The Fray's "You Found Me" which isn't a horrible song when sung by The Fray. Unfortunately instead of actually trying to sing it his way, dude tryed to imitate The Fray if the lead singer had a rock lodged in his esophagus. The judges ripped him because he is more of an R&B/Pop singer and not a Rock/Pop singer. Pick a side, we're at war!

Then Adam Lambert, my favorite to win the whole thing, sang "Play That Funky Music" and actually did a great job, putting his own spin on the corny classic, while looking like a complete and utter douchenozzle. Then all the judges took turns fellating him while they set up the stage for the last performer.

The last guy, Kris I think, sang a beautiful version of "Ain't No Sunshine" with him at the keyboad and some chicks playing strings. He was the only contestant that actually perfected the combination of a good song and a good performance. It was all very touching.

And that was it for tonight (that was 9 right?). My prediction for tomorrow is the Indian Dude is going to get kicked off, not because he got the fewest votes, but just because he really really sucks. Seriously, I think the only reason he's on the show is because he couldn't cut it in Bollywood. Stay tuned for tomorrow's episode which I may or may not watch because the results shows are usually pretty boring.

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That is one veiny Sand Penis

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 21:52:31 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1904156"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/c/collegehumor.a81c6cfc1befaa6af574371ca6dd7016.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359041">Kaz</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1127"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />