Dear HGH,
Firstly, bears are dangerous and should be avoided... Unless we are discussing polar bears. They are very cute, and much like the pleasures of Coca-Cola. But dear, I'm perplexed; a slow sex-life is desired by most human females, as prolonged envagination is beneficial for tentacular romulation. Most likely, the long hours your husband spends in the fields of medicine has led him to inferiorate your sex-life. Perhaps the more comfortable clothing would be beneficial for him rather than you. The typical field denim is terrible for the epidermis, so I proffer a silk of some sort. I'm quite sure he will enjoy the "show" you put on for him. Could I suggest a program of sport? Athletic events typically excite men through the excretion of adrenaline reprise glands. If you would like to pique his sexual curiosity further, I suggest you follow my 3 P's of Male Sexual Health.

1. Phallafel - Not only are the delicious fried balls from Central Arabia fantastic for filling in your pita pocket, it is also a noted afrodisiac (ah-ßHRO-d??-???). And it is useful to attract men also!
2. Papa ghanoush - Every man wants to be a daddy, so make him one. And fry some eggplants as a side. They go very well with Phallafel!
3. Parseley - Sometimes you have to regulate (or parse) your loving into small quantums of sexuality. Any more or less and it cannot be truly appreciated by the hormonal masculine mind.
Hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius

Dear Professor Genius,

I was dating a girl from work for a month. After dumping me, I come to find out she's with another guy from work. How do I go to work without being angry? Should I quit? - Still Working

Dear SW,

First of all, you should thank this other man, because you do not want to be dating someone from work. Fortunately, this other man is now in the awkward situation, and you are now home free! Youcan take advantage of this new start by joining a hobby club, hangingout at the grocery store, or making a gingerbread house. I always advice young people to never ever date a person from work, as this will create a potentially awkward situation. Hereare some other situations where you should avoid forming relationships,as they have historically been shown to end in misery.

1. Never date someone your friend introduced you to. It will place your friend in an awkward position.
2. Never date someone from church, because this puts God in an awkward position.
3. Never date live performers (gymnasts, actors, rock stars, stand-up comedians, ceremonial DJs, clowns). They are all freaks.
4. Neverdate anyone with your address or who knows where you live (pizza guy,mailman, Jehovah's witness, or anyone from the census bureau). You don't want to get a stalker.
5. Don't date dope fiends, people with bad credit, or vegans. These people can't be trusted, and will break your heart.
6. Don't date any doctor, teacher, government employee, or anyone with access to your social security number. Ifthey break up with you (which they probably will), they can steal yourmoney when you are old (assuming social security is still around).
7. Never date foreigners, because they may have to go back their country and you'll never see them again.
8. Never date Americans, because it'll be awkward when you run into them on the street.
9. Never date somebody you meet at the bar, because they probably only find you attractive when they're drunk.
10. Finally, never date people younger or older than you. Nothing is more awkward than trying to explain what the Go-Bots or Pogs are.

This is my list. Stick with the clubs and grocery stores and listen to lots of music that features the sousaphone. Good luck my friend. I hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius

I keep asking this girl out, and she keeps saying she's busy. She doesn't go to school and she doesn't have a job. Do you think she's lying? - Lonely in LasVegas

Dear LiLV,

I don't know what you mean by "busy", but I'll give it a go. Have no fears my friend, your paramour is not lying to you, it's obvious to me that your girl has VD (Volunteering Disease). She is what we call in the professional world, a "volunteer". Volunteering is a process that many women go through in their lives from the ages of 16-25. Its symptoms include depleted self worth, misguided idealism, poversion (it means attraction to poverty), and relative indifference to success. You may also be curious to know that the predisposing factors for women to become volunteers are being unemployed and single. Preventative measures for women in the 16-25 age range usually is to go to college and/or find a husband and/or get pregnant (and/or become an atheist). Most men do not become volunteers, unless they are attracted to women who are volunteers. This is why many people believe that VD is a sexually transmitted disease. There are a few therapies used to treat VD, though the preventative measures are far more practical. These measures include flu shots (injections of influenza intended to prevent one from attendance for volunteerism), sudoku books (gives people something useful to do, since volunteering is an empty passion), and a government bond certificate (requires them to pay taxes and therefore get a REAL job). Hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius.